Wednesday, January 04, 2006
It's About Fuckin' Time, Huh?
Yes, vacation and faulty routers have conspired to effectively place on blog on the dreaded "hiatus", but I'm back now, beeeeyotches. I'll be boring the christ out of the lot of you in no time.

Okay, here's a rundown since I last blogged.

-On the way back to Vegas, I thought they were going to turn our plane around. A group of frat/sorority man-cunts and she-pricks created quite the ruckus. One douchebag screamed at the top of his lungs during takeoff, which prompted a flight attendant to tell him to shut it or U.S. marshals would be waiting for him in Vegas. And these yahoos weren't even from Louisville; they were from a connecting flight. Louisville yahoos would have at least been amusing, and they would have bought drinks for everyone they annoyed.

Even more frustrating a piece of human flotsom as far as I was concerned was this borderline retarded girl who insisted on singing along with her i-pod for four fucking hours. Imagine a shitty top-forty singalong with Fran Drescher if she was booze-hungover and cum-drunk. I actually made a mental note that this cooze was going to be trouble before we even boarded the plane. She was one of those people who thinks they're much more attractive and interesting than they really are. Someone needs to tell ms. jizz jar that just because the local frat uses her as a human pincushion, that doesn't make her entertaining. During the plane ride, while she was scream-singing Ashley Simpson songs I wanted her to give someone, anyone, a blowjob. I would have appreciated the silence. Since this happened on January 1st, she's an early candidate for the coveted title of "vivalasvegASS cunt of the year".

-While in Louisville, I visited the Muhammad Ali Center. It was fantastic. Admission was only nine dollars and it was well worth it. I urge anyone who lives in that area of the country to visit; and if you have children, by all means take them. As another example of my duality, this life-enriching experience is only a mile or so away from my favorite strip club.

-Speaking of strip clubs, why do strippers insist on taking off my glasses and rubbing them on their cootchies? My face is never attached, so this does nothing for me. I don't wear glasses because I like looking like a nerd; I need them to see, god damn it. I wonder if they do the same thing with hearing aides, crutches, and artificial limbs? "Honey, why is your wooden leg all sticky?"

-I'm not mentioning any names because the parties involved may not want their names mentioned, but a few of my blogger friends have deleted or altered their blogs because of harassment. Holy cunting shit, why does this happen? Do you know how many blogs I read and really despise? No, because I only read them once. I move on if I don't like them. Some people live such empty, hollow lives, however, and I guess passing judgment on strangers makes them feel better about themselves. I hope their genitals rot and fall off.

-Thanks to everyone for the kind comments. I'm really glad to be back.


34 Comments:

I'm so glad you're back. My life was empty and flacid without you. I would've bitch-slapped the 'tard and donkey punched the sorority and frat lemmings. I'm feeling violent today.

Blogger Knitty Kitty said...

people who talk excessively or treat the airplane like their own personal bar piss the fucking hell out of me.
I'm getting mentally prepared for 22 hours of flying in a couple weeks.
Thank god for business class and noise-cancelling headphones.

Blogger Trix said...

The answer to your stripper question is simple. It is because they're gutter trash with no class. Any self-respecting woman would remove your glasses and carefully place them on the the table...and then rub their "coochies" on your face instead.

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

Since I've been sporting my "walking boot" on my lame foot I've had to stop using public transportation for that same reason, there's not really a good way to wipe the stick off the fabric.

Blogger Claudia said...

I hate anon assholes, frat anything, and dirty glasses. I wear them too and nothing is worse than walking in a warm room from the cold outdoors and having them fog up...oh wait a second, I can think of something worse...blurry cum stained glasses.

Blogger Jo said...

So SO glad you're back. Don't ever leave again!

I'm having loads of trouble getting "Louisville" and "stippers" to sound right together in my head.

Blogger Egan said...

Great to have the surly Todd back. Damn that router of yours.

Thank you for that. :)

Blogger ItsTJoint said...

That iPod pop-singer is spreading like a disease from a spider-monkey. I see versions of her everywhere now.

Blogger yournamehere said...

andi,
no way your life is empty. You're too babetastic!

knitty,
I can't fly for more than four or five hours; and can't afford anything but Southwest.

trix,
you are indeed wise.

pants,
stay out of strip clubs with that thing. They'll hump the bejesus out of it.

claudia,
you have quite a way with words. You're me if I was female, Canadian, young, and attractive.

jo,
there are many fine looking women in Louisville, my dear. Some of them strip.

egan,
there apparently was some kind of power surge.

shaken,
you're welcome, my friend.

joint,
I blame the commercials. And the fact that the average person has cesspool runoff between their ears.

Blogger katarina said...

Did you complain about fratgirl?
I wouldve complained and if she didn't stop we would've had a talk.
I bet she's fun in a movie theatre.

Thanks for the advice. I shall wear my contacts to the strip club.

Blogger AWE said...

This is why you should be allowed to carry hammers on a plane. You never know when you will meet someone with a nail sticking out of their forehead like the frat girl.

Blogger Rachel said...

LOL, I am so glad you're back!!

*hugs and kisses*

Blogger Ćœbermilf said...

Who was sitting next to the singing strumpet? It was his or her responsibility to stop the madness.

As to the strippers, why do they all have the same act? Is there a "Stripper's Handbook?" I've never been to a strip club, but I would think that it would be in a dancer's best interest to develop a unique act.

Blogger sandegaye said...

Your blog makes my day.. keep it coming.

Blogger WunEyedDog said...

That's totally grody. I'll remember to leave the glasses at home next time I go to the strip club. The glasses are a new addition. And I would have just complained to the flight bitches about the singing cunt. Tell them to cut her off, or shove a dildo down her throat.

Blogger Tumbleweed said...

I live a hollow life, but that's why I stalk you. I have been to several strip clubs including the Rino in Vegas. I agree with Ubie, they should get a new act. Maybe that could be a new job for me choreographer for the clothes deficient.

Blogger Tumbleweed said...

Rhino....idiot

Blogger Nick said...

I thought Ali was from Georgia.

Blogger Spirit Of Owl said...

Sometimes I think I would cut my left arm off (just below the pinky knuckle at least) to know what a stripper does with prosthetics. I think glass eyes are probably a given, though.

I know I'm late, but so what... Happy New Year for 2006! :D

Blogger Brookelina said...

You went to a strip club!?!? I'm shocked and horrified!!!

You'll take me to one when I come out there, right?

Blogger Nick said...

I'd be upset if he didn't.

Blogger wmy said...

missed ya baby!!! I was starting to shake and shit! LOL

Blogger wmy said...

Those damn strippers are sneaky bitches huh?

Blogger Blonde said...

I always want to know why strippers run their fingers through my hair and nibble on my ear while they are straddling me?

Thanks for the shout out of defense, as well, in the War On Cunts. Yes, many a cuntified anal dweller is sucking the fun out of blogs including my own.

I love your blog so much and you make me laugh out loud everyday. Thanks for being the highlight of my blogging day, and also MY FRIEND.

I love you, Blonde

Blogger Calzone said...

I thought you were in prison

Blogger Lulu said...

Was the name of the strip club Deja Vu? Strippers crack me up.

One of my favorite bloggers had to delete her blog and create a new identity recently because of losers.

Glad your back.

Blogger Evil Petting Zoo said...

I missed the poetic way you say cunt.

Blogger JackassJimmy said...

Happy Belated Holidays and New Year Todd! Glad to have you back regaling us with tails of Christmas past, aggrevation and cunts who need invitations to the, "dead bitch under the house dance."

Blogger MoDigli said...

alright, todd. Glad to see you're back. And sorry to hear about that horrific plane ride. I hate annoying ppl who think they're cute; when really they're just another "flea on the dog" that makes an uncomfortable flight even more difficult to deal with.

Blogger Dan-E said...

when you bitch about some uhh, bitch who thinks she's cuter than she really is and feels she's entitled to annoy others you get sympathy. when i gripe about the same type of person, i get labeled "bitter." what the fuck?

anyway, welcome back.

Blogger yournamehere said...

Kat,
I didn't complain. For two hours I watched "Sin City" on my portable DVD player. Mmmm, Jessica Alba.

awe,
I don't carry a gun because I know I'd shoot a fool.

rachel,
I cherish every hug and kiss.

ubie,
the guy who screamed was sitting next to her. Hardly a stern taskmaster.

sande,
thank you. If that's a recent picture, you're the hottest grandmother ever.

wun,
I'm pretty sure she was drunk when she got on the plane, or just intoxicated by stupidity.

tumbleweed,
people who live hollow lives and stalk me are okay in my book. Let me know the next time you're in Vegas.

Nick,
no, he graduated from Central high school in Louisville, and sadly, after he won the Olympic gold medal in 1960, a restaurant downtown wouldn't serve him because of his race.

owl,
I saw a stripper open a beer bottle without using her hands, if you know what I mean.

brooke,
will I take you to a strip club? Hmmm, dare I live the dream of all of your blogger fans? The answer would be hell yes.

Blogger yournamehere said...

nick,
I'd hate myself if I didn't.

wmy,
strippers are the cause of and answer to all of life's problems. No wait, that's alcohol.

blonde,
please, we are going to a strip club when you're in town. If I can't do the straddling of you, I want to see a hot chick do it. Also, damn right I'll defend you, with all of the kindness you've shown me and my blog. Can't wait to meet you.

calzone,
not prison, Kentucky. The food's better, and no one fucked me up the ass.

lipstick,
there are Deja Vu's in Louisville and Vegas, but this place was called PT's Showclub. They can serve alcohol there.

evil,
it is truly my only gift.

jimmy,
someone needed to throw her off the plane sans parachute.

mo,
yeah, it's not bad enough that I'm in a seat designed for a dwarf; I have to put up with all of that other shit as well.

dan,
I can't explain that, really.

Blogger Shannon said...

Welcome back, Todd. Happy New year.

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