Wednesday, June 28, 2006
"...lead a simple life in a quiet town..."
I'm back, mainly because those idiots at Best Buy were dumb enough to give me enough credit to purchase a laptop. I'm still on dial-up, but that should be okay for now. After all, I'm known for my patience.

The first Friday I was back in town, my old friend Wu drove up from Nashville to hang out with me. We went to an outdoor bar, drank Maker's Mark at bargain-basement prices, watched a few Jerry Springeresque fights break out (this was truly a diverse crowd of various ages, races, and social classes, so who punches one another: young preppie white girls), and swayed unrhymically to bad music. As the night progressed, I stopped drinking because I noticed Wu had no intention of slowing down. He drank like Babe Ruth after a bad game.

To make a really long story just plain long, by the time we got back to my house Wu was unconscious to a degree just below "coma". I couldn't wake him up, so he slept in the passenger seat of his car. By a miraculous act of God, he didn't choke to death on his own vomit. Or anyone else's.

The next night Dr. Chingasa and I took the short bus to Titty City. We went to a strip club, in other words. Breasts were gazed upon.

After my camping excursion, I and several friends and evildoers went to a downtown entertainment complex where I purchased the strongest drink I've ever consumed; and that's saying something. A woman walked up and talked to me, I'm guessing because she was so drunk her eyes functioned as funhouse mirrors, making me just tall instead of tall and fat. Either way, she said to me "My name is Brtyuswx." That's what it sounded like to me. I know it started with a 'b', but after that I have no idea. She continued: "Have you ever met a girl named Brydsdfez before?" No, I had to admit, she was the first. She "danced" with me for a few minutes, and by "danced" I mean "grinded her cute little butt into my crotch" but then her party left and I went back to my strong drink.

For the sake of my liver, I might have to move back to Vegas.


33 Comments:

Blogger Brookelina said...

Todd's back!! Todd's back!!! YAY!!!

And you took my suggestion for the blog name!!! Well, the secondary name anyway. YAY!!

Oh, I forgot to read the post.

I'm sure it's great!! YAY!!!

Blogger Nick said...

What up, Poon?

Blogger Nick said...

I love the word "unrhymically", also didn't Wu get a blowjob from some starnge woman once? I think I remember reading about that.

Blogger Ćœbermilf said...

Well, here's one thing to make me happy.

My Todd is here.

My hero, Todd.

Blogger Nick said...

I love how I bust your balls about your greivous misspelling and then fuck up the word "strange".

I'll leave you alone now.

Blogger miss kendra said...

so when i reach the next level in my master plan to become an unrepentant alcoholic, what you're saying is i should move to kentucky?

ok.

Blogger aughra said...

Hey, I haven't been around for your move and stuff, but hello again, and I'm updating my blog roll.

Blogger Egan said...

Your last sentence is so opposite of what most would think. That's what makes you awesome YNH. Glad you're back man.

What's up bro. Glad you listened to my suggestion for the blog name too. Now if I can only get you to do everything else I say.....

Going under the knife on Friday morning. Don't forget about naming me RWDBOTM for July you bastard!!!

Blogger Blonde said...

So happy that you are alive and well and blogging in Kuntucky!!!!!!!!

I love you and miss you!

Blogger MLE said...

*throws confetti, flashes belly and maybe underside of boobs* Woohoo! You're back!

Someday, the Hulk and I will go to Louisville to visit EEK and we'll totally buy you a drink.

First, great blog name. Next, that's a Swedish name.

Blogger Rachel said...

I have missed you so!

Blogger Trix said...

Alright, I'l skip the typical smartass statement and just say this: I'm SO glad you've arrived safe, and even happier that you're back.

MWAH!

Blogger Secret said...

I missed you!

Blogger tlsd said...

yippee....

... and the Disco King Wu is there... hurrah!!!! But is god still a DJ?

You have been missed beyond reason.
Welcome home honey.
Hugs n love n kisses

;0p

Blogger FRITZ said...

Oh, relief. You're back.

Jeez Cheese, man, slow down. You have to make some Todd, Jrs, and like, you're totally killing off the sperm with that funky booze.

On the other hand, if it made me look hot even though I used a disguising name like "Bryhedew" that night, keep drinking. I enjoyed the grinding.

Blogger Flounder said...

I am quite certain that this is the first time that anyone has ever uttered the phrase For the sake of my liver, I might have to move back to Vegas.

Blogger solethoughts said...

You're back. Whew. I was slightly disappointed you didn't use the word cunt though.

Sounds interesting so far.

Blogger yournamehere said...

brooke,
the post isn't that good, so I'm glad you commented first.

nick,
Poon? Oh, how I've missed your monkeyshines.

ubie,
actually, you're my hero. Let's argue over which of us is the other's hero. That should be fascinating.

nick,
with dial up, I had no patience for spell-check.

kendra,
yes, but be careful. A lot of counties in Kentucky are "dry"; no alcohol. Play it safe and move to Louisville. It's the cheap drunk capital of North America.

aughra,
how are things going with you? You're always welcome here.

egan,
glad to be back. Your myspace profile pic is hilarious, by the way.

vast,
I'll call you tonight. I'm retiring the RWBOTM AFTER you. It will be quite an honor.

blonde,
you know I love you. I see a Derby party in your future. Come visit me.

Blogger yournamehere said...

mle,
there's nothing hotter than a little undercleavage. Thanks.

andi,
I'm glad you approve. I'm sorry you never came to Vegas. I would have liked to have met you.

rachel,
I've missed you, too. Call me.

trix,
you are the sweetest. Thanks. I'll look you up if I get to Chicago before you move to the other side of the world.

teri,
I've really missed your "hot ass with the handprint" profile pic.

tlsd,
god is now an event planner. It's a step up from DJ.

fritz,
oh, that was you? You've just insulted your own intelligence, you know.
I assure you I enjoyed the grinding even more.

flounder,
that will be the name of my first novel.

solethoughts,
I'm sure I'll eventually be inspired to use the c-word.

Blogger Tumbleweed said...

Todd, Todd, he's our man. If he can't drink it, then I can! Yayyy!

Kinda different without those Vegas schmucks watering down your drink eh??

Blogger JJ said...

Yikes! But welcome back.

Blogger little ol' me? said...

*yelling, whooping and flashing my tits at you*

Yipee, yahoo my Toddy is back and in true form!

Blogger MoDigli said...

Todd ~ You're back! And you're surviving KY! :)

Blogger n.v. said...

Love the Todd.

Blogger Egan said...

Todd, I'm glad you approve on my lovely MySpace shot. You see all these scantilly clad members, so I thought I would do the opposite. I'm sure I'm on some government watch list now.

Because I can't meet you in KY? I'm more likely to pass through there than Vegasss!

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

You should write travel brochures.

Blogger yournamehere said...

tweed,
here, the secret ingredient is more whiskey.

jj,
you live in Austin, so you know all about the drunken nights I'm sure.

little ol',
did you press your tits up against the computer screen?

mo,
surviving if not yet thriving.

dena,
are you still going to be in Vegas next week? It saddens me that I won't get to meet you and stare longingly at your goods.

egan,
we're all on a watch list for our anti-Bush rantings.
I'm going to miss seeing you in Vegas too, huh?

andi,
that makes me feel better. Look forward to meeting you one day.

pants,
that or start an outreach program for alcoholic twentysomething women.

Blogger Egan said...

Yep, I will be in Vegas next weekend. I guess our love affair just wasn't meant to be Todd. I will have to find another witty and funny blogger to meet.

Perhaps you'll make it out to Seattle some day. Hope things are going well Todd.

Blogger n.v. said...

I have to postpone any vacation until after late-late July! Details in email.

Blogger DogGirl said...

I think her name is Breastfed. Or maybe that was an offer...

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