Friday, June 02, 2006
A Guide to the Summer Concert Season
Season-wise, it won't be summer until June 21st, but it's after Memorial Day so summer is here, damn it. Summer means big rock concerts. Festivals, superstars, reunions; all at prices that could reach into the hundreds. I'm going to miss the Pearl Jam concert for which I have tickets, unless I want to spend five hundred dollars to fly back to Vegas for the show.

If you're going to a BIG SUMMER CONCERT, here are some tips from someone who's been to a few.

-Get drunk in the parking lot
Do you enjoy paying six to ten dollars for a tiny plastic cup of watery, mass-produced domestic beer? Of course not, unless you're a regular of the Las Vegas club scene. Bring a cooler of good beer, or a bottle of bourbon. Or a gallon of embalming fluid and a large straw.

-Know your crowd
Wanna see girls flash their boobs? They'll eagerly comply at Ozzfest. Not so much at an Amy Grant concert. For those with a fetish for hairy female armpit, I hear the Indigo Girls are touring this summer.

-Do not stare directly at the opening act
Really, it will only encourage them to play longer. No one wants to hear "deep album cuts" from a Scottish punk-bagpipe quartet. I once saw an opening act where the lead singer had the nerve to ask the audience to sing along to a song no one had ever heard. He had a thick accent, and he said "Repeat after me: Eghoa addlieadlg, dueqztd." The crowd turned on him after that.

-To kill downtime, play a game
When I saw 10,000 Maniacs in concert oh-so many years ago, I played a little game called Find the Black People at the 10,000 Maniacs Concert. I counted three, and they were all with Caucasian dates. In other words, there were no black people at the 10,000 Maniacs concert of their own free will.

-If the band you're seeing plays more than one song that's over ten minutes long, you're a damn dirty hippie
This is more a rule than a tip, but it needed to be said.

-Take advantage of 'The Man'
Some venues charge an extra five-to-ten dollars PER TICKET for parking, so if the show's in your town or you don't have too far to travel, don't carpool. If four of you are going, drive four cars and take up the four parking spaces that rightfully belong to you.

-Pretend to be a narc
I always like to approach a group of people who are smoking pot, look at them quizzically, and pretend to say something into my wristwatch. They almost always scatter.

-If a woman who shakes violently and has scratched her forearms bloody offers to blow you in a Port-a-Can, turn her down
Really, just take my word on this one.

-Don't buy bootleg t-shirts
The first time you wash a bootleg t-shirt, it will shrink so much it won't cover Verne Troyer's junk.

-Ladies, don't fall for the ol' "blow a roadie first" trick
Invented by a Black Sabbath road manager back in the seventies and perfected by Motley Crue's tour support over a decade later, the clever scam of having to perform oral sex on a scuzzy roadie in order to meet the band has but one flaw (other than having an unwashed, diseased cock in your mouth): If you smell like roadie lovin', even Tommy Lee won't fuck you.

Have a great Summer Concert Season!


13 Comments:

Blogger katarina said...

I think I would rather smell like roadie lovin' than Tommy Lee.

Blogger tlsd said...

Hahahahah....Thanks for the tips Todds. So educational as always!

I particularly enjoy the 'Pretend to be a narc' when clubbing in London- this works equally well if you have a bluetooth earpiece for your phone...

*snigger*

oh hours of fun...

Blogger Dawn said...

LOL -- I have only counted 3 black people in South Orange County Calif. since I moved here back in 1982. Weird, huh? Come out Come out wherever you are. ;0

Blogger Claudia said...

Oh the joys of summer concert season.

I especially agree with the dirty, hippies tip.

As someone with the attention span of a 3 year old I say boo to trippy 10 minute long songs. And dirty hippies.

Blogger Kris said...

I just knew you'd be a sucker for Amy Grant.

Blogger JJ said...

Golden Earring (I know, shut up) played a 15 minute version of Radar Love. And even though that was my favorite song in the world, I couldn't listen to it anymore after that.

Plus that whole blowing a roadie thing...

The best concert ever was Air Supply. The Little River Band opened for them. Ahh, their songs just touched my heart. I get misty just th...

Sorry folks. My gay nephew was using my computer for a few minutes. Just a little break from our reprogramming efforts. We'll make a goddamn man outta him yet!

Best concert scenes ever personally witnessed...

1. A guy who apparently so loved AC/DC's rendition of "For Those About To Rock" that he just had to whip it out and pop a load in front of 25,000 other fans. The look on the 12 year olds' faces who were seated just behind him is forever burned into my memory. God bless you, AC/DC whacker!

2. Watching a drunk chick roll around in her own vomit for over an hour during a Foreigner concert. God, the 80s were fucking AWESOME!

Blogger AWE said...

You would have to spend extra time in the parking lot for a Nickel Back concert.

Blogger Hulkster said...

No one wants to hear a Scottish punk bagpipe quartet? Are you kidding me? I'd pay more to hear a Scottish punk bagpipe quartet than I would for 95% of the "big acts" coming to Denver for the "Coors Lite Summer of Stars." I'd certainly rather hear someone rockin' out on a bagpipe than Korn or some of the other crappy acts coming to town. Wouldn't you?

Blogger MadMeer said...

Indigo Girls are so in touch! I kind of want to douse them with gasoline light them on fire.
That goes for Pearl Jam too. Don't worry; the only thing you'll be missing is Eddie Vedder slowing torching his career on stage.

My first concert was Pink Floyd which was pretty cool, except that my parents wished I wasn't there so they could "smoke." Hippies.

Blogger Ćœbermilf said...

Concerts tend to attract people I'd like to beat about the head with a rolling pin.

I prefer to hear my live music within the cozy confines of a smokey bar.

Blogger yournamehere said...

kat,
wise thinkin', my dear.

tlsd,
I always try to amuse myself.

dawn,
they aren't at the 10,000 Maniacs reunion show, that's for sure.

claudia,
the worst thing about dirty hippies? They're dirty. And they're fucking hippies.

kris,
I've never seen Amy Grant, probably because of the lack of boob flashing.

jj,
but did you get to hang out with Golden Earring? If so, blowing a roadie was totally worth it.

so I,
ugh, someone beat off to AC/DC? I can understand if Bon Scott was still lead singer, but Brian Johnson-era AC/DC? C'mon.

awe,
I'd slip into an alcoholic coma before I got drunk enough to enjoy them.

hulkster,
the point was, an opening act is standing between you and who you really want to see. You don't want them playing for a second longer than they have to.

madmeer,
I'll have to disagree. Pearl Jam was as good in concert in 2003 as they were in 1994. I was looking forward to the show.

ubie,
there are reasons why you're my hero, and that comment is one of them.

Blogger DogGirl said...

Damn, I've been using the band members to get to the roadies.

I'd rather smell like Amy Lee.

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