Thursday, May 18, 2006
Puke Depot (or Rage Against the Texfinish Machine)
This is the Magnum Graco Texfinish machine. It is used to apply texture to drywall and retails for around $650 at your neighborhood Home Depot.

As a vendor, it is my job to make sure this machine is displayed properly and always stocked with informative brochures. I also clean it when it gets dusty, which is every time I'm in the store.

Wednesday I was cleaning it when I smelled something quite foul. What was the source of this odor, you might ask? Very simply, SOMEONE HAD THROWN UP IN THE MACHINE!

Not on the machine, IN the machine. Someone had used this expensive piece of equipment as their own personal Roman trough. What the cunting fuck?!? Who is evil enough to think of something so disgusting when they're getting ready to vomit? What kind of a human dungheap doesn't just hurl on the floor like everyone else? The utter depravity of mankind never fucking ceases to amaze me.

I resisted the urge to run out the door, get into my vehicle, and ride through the desert until I ran out of gas. Instead, I found an assistant store manager, or asm.

me: "I have some rather disturbing news to report."

asm: "What is it?"

me: "Someone threw up in the Graco machine."

asm: "Oh, I know. Apparently it happened last night." (Way to ignore the problem, Home Depot)

me: "Yeah....uhm, that really shouldn't be on the sales floor like that."

asm: "Well, it probably needs to be taken to the janitorial room and hosed down."

me: "I'll be happy to wheel it to the back of the store, but that's where my obligation ends."

So I wheeled it to the back, holding my breath the entire time, and a few minutes later the asm cleaned the stranger sick out of it. I would have thrown the thing in the garbage.

What is it about Home Depot that brings out the worst in people? About once or twice a month I'll open a bathroom stall door and there'll be a shit-filled pair of tighty-whities on the floor by the toilet. Who are these people who can't control their bowels? If you're too sick to NOT shit your pants, you're too sick to be wandering around Home Depot. And if you, a grown man, poop your britches like an infant, try to regain a shred of human dignity by disposing of the evidence. Is it, at long last, asking too much to expect a person to exhibit behavior above that of a wild animal?


Blogger MoDigli said...

people suck!

That is just GROSS!

Blogger myboyfriendiscrazy said...

who thought that was an okay place to puke??

I used to work at a retirement home in the dining room, and one time a lady (wearing white, of course) crapped her pants at the table and left at the end of dinner with a huge stain in her pants. I <3 old people

I'm sorry, I'm howling like a HOWLER MONKEY.

Blogger The Lone Rangers said...

Jesus Christ in a pub Crawl, sounds like it was only a matter of time before you found someone squatting ON the TexFinish machine, asking you for toilet paper...

Blogger katarina said...

Sorry, I thought you'd find it funny.

Blogger Rachel said...

Yeah honey, it's time to go home!

Blogger Violet said...

If people can't regulate these issues themselves, maybe it's time for a friendly and understanding Home Depot policy that encourages proper bodily emissions. I'm thinking well-labeled "designated puke zones" and "$10 off every crap-filled pair of undies turned in to the Haz-Mat team." From past BO entries, perhaps "complimentary spray-down upon entry" might be nice, too.

Blogger Onyx said...


Blogger Tumbleweed said...

Wow that is really unbelieveable! Just reading that actually makes me happy to be where I am. Okay....that was pushing it!

Blogger Nick said...

God, you're such a cry baby.

Blogger Trix said...

Apparently, the same people that visit Home Depot also visit my bar.

Blogger ChiroMum said...

I commend your amazing power to NOT blow chunks upon discovery (or smell) that the horror. And for what it's worth...upon discovery that the ASM KNEW about the nastiness, I'd have aimed said chunks onto their shoes. As an aside...I work with a non-elderly lady that craps her pants about once a month. And she has to 'Febreeze' her office chair daily. God, I love SC.

Blogger MsHellion said...

If you had left the puke in the machine, it could have been used to create a limited edition Jackson Pollock texture.

Blogger Egan said...

I love human interest stories involving both vomit and poop. You seldom disappoint Todd.

Todd, are you kidding? I wish somebody would catch the asshole ditching his shit filled britches in the John and flog the Christ out of them with a set of tire chains. Because of this story, I have now added Home Depot to my list of retail establishments I will never step foot in again, along with Wal Mart. Reminds me of when I was in the mobile home business. One guy took a shit on the kitchen table in one of our model homes, and kindly wiped his fucking ass on the curtains hanging nearby. Another douchebag took a shit in one of the homes bathtubs! I lost all faith in human decency years ago.

Blogger Brookelina said...

This was such a heartwarming tale.

Blogger Jo said...

How scary is it that I don't even find that story disgusting? I'm so used to the domicile-challenged population of SoBe using the toilet at Starbucks for the most disgusting purposes that I'm totally unphased by hurling in inappropriate places.

Blogger yournamehere said...

people do indeed suck.

the public shitters will end up in that retirement home. Oh, the circle of life.

monkey mc,
I laugh now, after hours of therapy.

I expect the inventory control manager to one day mate with the Texfinish machine in lieu of ordering a new one.

you would get a free pass.

oh, I can totally see someone in Louisville puking into the Texfinish.

I think shooting them on sight would be more satisfying than spraying them down with cologne.

I aim to please.

Blogger yournamehere said...

go ahead and push it...push it real good.

how would you feel if a customer ralphed on a copy machine?

but I'm never tipped.

if your coworker has a medical condition, she needs to wear Depends. Otherwise, tell her to lay off the Monster Double Jalapeno Whoppers at Burger King.

or it could have been used to create the cover art for a Carpenter's retrospective CD.

but when I do disappoint, ,lives are lost.

Home Depots are like stationary trailer homes.

I do it all for you. By the way, I'm still recovering from your announcement that you won't come to Louisville to visit me. That hurt.

you're too young to be so jaded.

Blogger Claudia said...

nasty. Animals, I tell you.

Blogger WunEyedDog said...

My friend had to clean up shit-filled undies once, and he knew who had done it. Seriously. Of course, the ignoring it by the asm was impressivley bad. I'd get the fucker fired. Next time something like that happens, let us know and we'll all call and complain.

Blogger Ćœbermilf said...

Who is so desperate to go to Home Depot that they arrive either drunk or horribly ill? What could be that important?

Blogger JJ said...

It's just the further collapse of Western Civilization that started with Elvis.

Blogger Nick said...

I would laugh the entire time I was getting the person who did it a roll of paper towels.

Blogger aughra said...

That's terrible. 'Yeah, it happened last night'? Awful!!

Blogger Lush said...

Your wanting to walk out has made me wonder how you are planning on departing Home Depot? Are you going cause a scene for the final 'Fuck You' or leave quietly in order to get a job in Louisville?

Blogger yournamehere said...

some humans should be placed in a zoo.

I couldn't get anyone fired. Those fuckers don't listen to vendors. And besides, this guy is the only asm I can stand in that store.

no kidding. If I was running a fever or had my drunk on, I'd stay away from the Depot.

Elvis threw up everywhere.

I always wanted someone to throw up on our District Manager at Organized Living, but it never happened.

I was in the Lowe's less than a mile from this store and it was damn near spotless.

my boss is a friend of mine, and anything I did would just come back on him.

Blogger tlsd said...

I so never want to go to a home depot... ever!!

ew ew ew...

I feel really nauseous now... don't suppose you can point me in the direction of the nearest texfinish machine... *smirk*

For one god-awful moment I thought you were going to say someone had turned it on, and had rendered the drywall in crusty sick...

oh.... I wish I hadn't repeated that thought...

*clutches hand over mouth*

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