Friday, May 05, 2006
Thoughts that keep me from sleeping
I don't claim to be all that smart, but I do think a lot, mostly about insignificant trifles. That's probably why I get about three or four hours of sleep a night. Maybe it will help if I write them down.

-Unlike most Democrats, I take no pleasure in George Bush's record-low approval ratings. Why? BECAUSE HE'S STILL PRESIDENT. Our time for action was in the months leading up to November 2004, and we failed miserably.

-Home Depot managers have to be the most useless spunk-sacks on this planet. I have more respect for people who swindle the elderly for a living; at least they have to use their brains.

-There's a Pet Cemetery in Las Vegas that also buries humans who don't want to be away from their pets. I'm sorry, but their corpses need to be violated. We need to have a necrophyllia fund raiser and sell their rotting asses to the highest bidders. "I want to be next to Pookie for all eternity." FUCK YOU!!! Larry the unemployed carnie is going to desecrate your dead body to the repulsion/amusement of on-lookers and an audience of several hundred thousand on basic cable. We might even rough up your survivors, dickface.

-You know what needs to happen to Moussaoui? Well, he needs to be killed, but more importantly, he needs to be buried improperly. Send him to eternity wrapped head to toe in bloody pigskin, with a Matisyahu CD shoved up his bung for good measure. Bury terrorists in a way that, according to their beliefs, prevents them from entering paradise.

-If gas prices were frozen at $1.50 a gallon, the oil companies would still make an enormous profit. Not only that, but the economy would thrive because more people would travel over the summer. It's never going to happen, of course.

-Are Fall Out Boy, Hawthorne Heights, Yellow Card, and Taking Back Sunday the same fucking band? Are whiny-voiced lead singers being manufactured by a wholly-owned subsidiary of Dow Chemical?

-I have tickets to see Pearl Jam on July 6th at the MGM Grand Garden Arena. Anyone going to be in town that day that wants to see Pearl Jam?

-I want a new job, a different car, a better life somewhere other than Las Vegas. I've tried to like it here; I even gamble occasionally even though I can't afford to lose a penny. Every single day I regret with all of my heart ever moving away from my hometown. And if I move back, I'll regret that. I'm a miserable bastard, and always will be.


Blogger Richie McWhite said...

Additionally, Moussaoui should be embalmed by menstruating women.

I'll say it again: move to Texas. It's fun. Pretty girls. Great food.

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

When I die I want to be buried with all thirty of my imaginary cats. And my knitting.

Blogger Cherry! said...

Leave Las Vegas!

Blogger katarina said...

Join the miserable bastard club.
Nothing is the way it should be.

There are bigger things to lose sleep over than Fall Out Boy and Pearl Jam. You should be losing sleep from the stress of picking up your life and moving to Pennsylvania. I know. It's a big change. But you've made the right decision.

Blogger Rachel said...

I thought the only thing good about Las Vegas was leaving it?

I keed, I keed, it can be a cool city but then again, I don't live there so how cool can it be?

Love you!

Blogger myboyfriendiscrazy said...

Pearl Jam.. Did you just invite your readers on a date? Pretty smooth.

Blogger Mushy said...

I'll see Pearl Jam with you! I love them and me mum lives in Vegas, so I can tell her I'm also visiting her!

Blogger AWE said...

I don't know how you sleep at all if you have all of that on your mind.

Blogger Hoochie said...

I'm bummed...Pearl Jam is too big (and probably has been for a long time) to play Reno or Sacramento. I'm jealous, but I hope you enjoy them!

Blogger Ćœbermilf said...

If you are ever to return to Kentucky, the time is now.

Blogger Karen said...

I saw that story about the pet cemmetary on the news the other night. I think it's rather kareepy myself. Talk about being obsessed with your pet! YIKES!

Blogger Claudia said...

#1. You are a miserable bastard, but we all are deep down inside.

#2. I'll be seeing Pearl Jam MAY 9th woot woot! biatch, I'll let you know how it was by using the words "awesome" "kickass" and "in your face mo-fo"

#3. I woke up this morning feeling old and 25 but then walked to the mirror and found a huge zit on my forehead. YAY!

Blogger Cold Hands said...

Dammit to hell I wanna go to the concert (I'm pretty sure were I there and they played Indifference I would be humping everything in sight!)

There is such a thing as useless spunk sacks? Who knew?

I love my cat and dog but there is no way I'm giving up a part of the shrine that surely will be built to me upon my death to those little fuckers. No way.

Just a few more days til I come to see ya!!!

Blogger Nick said...

I like how you bitch about whiny voiced bands and then brag about having tickets to a fucking Pearl Jam show. Eddie Vedder is the most annoying-voiced motherfucker in the history of spoken language.

Also, I disagree with you (for once), I think jail time is exactly what Moussaoui needs. Six life sentences seems almost enough. But what was up with that judge? She was rubbing that shit in his face, she was all "you're going to jail forever, you stupid fuck, ha ha! in your face" That kind of behavior isn't becoming for a US District Judge. The whole thing was a fucking circus, but I digress.

Blogger JJ said...

Get out of that cesspool, Todd. You don't have to move home. Go somewhere new. Start a new life. Start it with Prozac.

Blogger solethoughts said...

It may be too easy for me to type it, but why not move? Tighten up the finances for a few months towards that goal. Or move home for a short while to get things straightened out. While you're doing that you can also figure out your next move. Everyone has done it at some point in their lives.

If you're miserable it makes no sense to continue being that way. Make a plan to get out.

Blogger DogGirl said...

Tool is coming but they suck like Pearl Jam. I have 1st row tix to Whiney Boys June 9

Blogger DogGirl said...

And we all know the best way to remember Pookie is to BBQ him and make him part of you. Well, until the morning constitutional in the head.

Blogger MoDigli said...

Vegas sucks. I say get out, too. You could use Home Depot as a means to transfer somewhere, right? Once you're settled in a new place, you could job search to get out of the depot, too!

BTW, that Moussaoui thing was actually thought provoking. And when those suicide bombers die, don't they worry about their remains, too?

On an unrelated note - how can SO many vowels be in just one name?!

Blogger Lush said...

Write us a list of ten reasons to stay in Vegas and ten reasons to leave. We'll vote on it and that will be your decision. It's democracy in action for you.

Blogger FRITZ said...

I agree about these freaks that want to be buried next to their pets. Why pay twice? I plan to mummify Delilah in plaster of paris and then just bury her along with me when I croak. Easy.

Oh, Hey, Look! Todd just solved the oil crisis! Look! LOOK! We could travel and use gas and not break the banks and suddenly have a new lease on life and begin to love one another again! And we could create more revenue to invest in alternate forms of energy and soon, we'd make the air cleaner and this would increase intelligence and then Todd could quit his job and just become a speaker about goodwill and gas!

Holy Shit, Todd, I think you're fucking on to something.

Look, you miserable bastard, cheer the fuck up. We respect and admire you. Even if you move to fucking New Guinea and live in a shack on the beach with a dozen beautiful teenage girls allowing you to drink cocunut milk off their burgeoning tits, you'd still be cynical. It's a curse and a blessing. Stay in the seedy town of Las Vegas. It's feeding your hatred of humanity, and that, in turn, is making the rest of us jealous of your talents.

Blogger Nick said...

You're an immensely popular blogger with an audience composed mostly of women. What the hell else do you want? Shitloads of women who think I'm really cool but I'll never have sex with... now that's something that would keep me up at night.

Blogger yournamehere said...

that's using your head...

there's pretty girls everywhere. If you'll marry me, I'll move to Texas.

do you knit sweaters for your imaginary cats?

I just might.

I can't handle brutal winters. I'm just too old for that. Can't we negotiate a compromise?

it would be cooler if you lived here.

I'm the least smooth person ever.

if you're serious, I'd love to go to the Pearl Jam concert with you. Email me at

I don't fall asleep as much as I eventually pass out from exhaustion.

you never know. Go to for details.

I think it's so stylish because I'm not there.

it gives me the creeps.

Blogger yournamehere said...

I still get the occasional zit. When you're my age, though, it just pisses you off.
I've seen Pearl Jam several times and they may be one of the best live bands ever.

they should reschedule just for you. They should, really. Can't wait to meet you.

none of the bands I mentioned will be around five years from now. If they are, they'll be playing dog shows and supermarket openings.

I refuse to take Prozac. I'm not suicidal and I can function without a chemically induced sense of happiness. If that ever changes, I'll run to the doctor to get a prescription.

but I think I'd be miserable anywhere.

you don't like Tool or Pearl Jam? Which of those flash-in-the-pan musical abortions are you going to see? I'd go with you though; that's how much I like you.

I don't officially work for Home Depot. My company does business in Utah, Nevada, Arizona and California. I can't afford California and don't want to live in any of the other states.

when I see your neck I can't concentrate. You have such a great neck.

I know my solution was simplistic, and also improbable because it would require government intervention. Oh well.

it's even worse when you meet some of these female bloggers and can actually see the look of disappointment on their faces.

Blogger Nick said...

I thought you were talking to me again and I was all "I didn't leave a second comment, my first one was rude enough." And then I remembered that there are probably other people named Nick in the world. Not that any of them matter.

Also, Fall Out Boy has already been around for 5 years, but your point is taken.

Blogger The Lone Rangers said...

Glad to know I'm not the only miserable one no matter what...

Blogger Ruben said...

Now didn't it feel good to rant like that! I'm inspired to go on a tyrade also.

Blogger yournamehere said...

has Fall Out Boy been popular on the national stage for five years?

miserable bastards love company.

rants are a cure-all.

Blogger Nick said...

DO you mean have the been a mainstream band for five years? Obviously not. That doesn't make them bad though.

Blogger katarina said...

Too old???? I think not.
We could fuck the cold away.

Blogger Egan said...

Umm... I will be in town that night Todd.

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