Thursday, April 27, 2006
The Stupidity Chronicles
Yesterday I overheard the following conversation between a creepy guy buying lumber and a female Home Depot associate.

Creepy guy buying lumber: "You married?"
Female Home Depot associate: "Yes."
Creepy guy buying lumber: "Are you happy?" (Said as luridly as humanly possible)
Female Home Depot associate: "Yes."

What the deuce? What result was this guy looking for? Did he expect the woman to swoon at his smooth delivery and feathered mullet? Did he think she'd say "No, I'm not happy with my husband and his non-Trailer park haircut and his unwillingness to harass strangers. Let's have unprotected sex in the parking lot"?

What possesses someone to think they have the right to say whatever they want to someone who's just trying to get through another crappy shift at work? I wanted to scream out "This isn't a swinger's club, motherfucker! The sawdust on the floor and her orange apron should have clued you in."

There are days, I promise you, when someone doesn't annoy me; those are the days I don't leave the house. I'm seriously considering a career in the growing field of in-home trinket assembly.


28 Comments:

Blogger little ol' me? said...

I'm convinced that most people are pretty screwed up, especially the ones with a mullet.

Blogger Karen said...

Todd, you should know by now that any jackass sporting a mullet is going to be, well, a mullet wearing jackass. lol

As for why some people think they can say anything they want: there's been a lot of talk in the media about freedom of speech, that even uneducated mullet wearing jackasses have heard about.

Stupid media.

Blogger Faltenin said...

Consider yourself lucky he wasn't bright enough to think up jokes about his "wood"...

Blogger myboyfriendiscrazy said...

This is like the time I was walking through Times Square with my 2 friends and this short 30-something foreigner looks at my friend and goes "Do you have a boyfriend?" She says yes (a lie), at which point the man turns to me and asks if I have a boyfriend and I say yes. As he turned to the final friend, before he could say anything, she said "yes."

Of course, he had another creepy friend right behind him. Were they about to suggest a menage-a-cinq in the middle of Times Square?

Blogger Cherry! said...

OMG. How revolting! Where do peeps with mullets get their confidence?

Blogger FRITZ said...

It's not 'in-home trinket assembly', Todd. It's 'sheltered workshop'.

And, yes, these stupid idiots are everywhere.

Michael was sitting in the car once while I went in to buy smokes. Some guy made a lurid comment while passing by me, and Michael stopped him and said,
"Excuse me? Does that really work? Is your sex life better when you tell a woman she's got nice tits?"

That was fun.

Blogger Secret said...

This is so true. One time this guy I had NEVER EVER seen before in my life asked me if I wanted to go home with him. All the while wiggling his eyebrows in some weird sort of way at me. I very nicely, smiled widely and said "Sure, do you happen to have a really big dog at home too?" *crazy wide eyes*
I think that kinda sobered him up 'cause he backed off and said never mind. Like I was the crazy one. As if.
Come on people, has this ever worked for ANYONE?(Just blurting out suggestive comments at a woman) I would love to know...

Blogger The Lone Rangers said...

I've actually had someone say that to an ex of mine (she wasn't an ex at the time)while I left her at the bar to use the mens room. 'Course she didn't tell me until after we left....

Blogger Knitty Kitty said...

I had a guy tell me he wanted to "eat me like biscuits and gravy"

Another good one when a married man in his forties thought it was okay to hit on me (I was 16) his reply to finding out my age?
"Well you are alive aren't you?"

I love a man with standards.

Blogger Mushy said...

I wish people would leave me alone when I am merely walking down the street. One time I was walking home from work and I was stupid enough to be nice to some guy who said hello to me. When he continued to talk to me, I continued to walk away and when he realized I stopped paying attention to him (my attention span for assholes is really short) he started screaming at me! He was calling me a bitch, saying I was a snob. All of which is true, but only I have the right to scream those sorts of things out in the middle of the street after dark. I only lived a block away from this adventure, so I just had an extra shot of Jack to mellow out.

Blogger Rachel said...

Oh man, wood jokes would have been the worst!

Sorry I missed you darlin', we'll get together soon.


Lovin' you!

Blogger Tumbleweed said...

You know what guys are even bigger asses? The ones still trying to sport a mullet, but are going bald on top.
Do you have connection in the trinket industry? Hook me up!

Blogger Trix said...

Thanks, Todd. I've always felt uncomfortable as a woman inside Home Depot...leering men and all. Now that I've read this, I'm never setting foot in there again.

Blogger JJ said...

You have to figure a guy like that just tries it on every woman. So what if it only works 1 in 1,000 tries. Besides, with a haircut like that, you know he knows no shame.

Blogger Cold Hands said...

welcome to my world.

a few weeks ago an idiot thought it was ok to ask me out in front of my coworkers - all 15 of them. When I lied and told him I was with somebody he said "I wont tell him if you wont."

You men!!! (well some of you)

Blogger solethoughts said...

If you ever work out the whole 'work from home' scheme let me know.

Blogger MadMeer said...

In this "free country" anyone reserves the right to walk right up to me and say anything they want, no matter how insulting or over the line it is. That is, so long as they don't mind me exercising my right to chin-check their ass and knee them straight in the balls.

Blogger Jersey Joe said...

Ever wonder what happened to self proclaimed Pro Poker player Mike "MC Poker" Cunningham ?

Find out by going to:

http://mikecunningham-whereareyou.blogspot.com/

Jersey Joe

Blogger Dennis! said...

I've wondered how lines like that are supposed to work too. I recall reading about an incident once that went something along the lines of:

Guy: Suck my dick.
Girl: Hell no.
[Guy drops pants.]
Guy: Oh yeah? Check it out!

Seriously, is a girl supposed to suddenly see the thing and decide, "Hey, I think I WILL put that in my mouth!"? I think not.

Blogger Phain said...

have you ever considered a career in medical transcription? HAAHAAHAA

I crack myself up sometimes...ok..all the time ;)

Blogger Todd said...

I was behind a douche at a grocery store a few months ago and the conversation went like this.

Douche: What time do you get off?
Female cashier: 11.
Douche: Can I watch?

I soon as he said it, I apologized to the cashier so she would know that not all dudes are idiots. The jackass even waited for me in the parking lot, but while I was putting down my bags to oblige his request, he went to his car.

Blogger tlsd said...

A couple of weeks ago I was followed to work by an ass in a car, who insisted on leaning out of the window and asking for my number... he followed me down 3 streets harrasing me. I had to walk the wrong way down a one way street to get rid of the fucker. Men can be such wankers... of course there are exceptions, and you Todds are one.

Blogger yournamehere said...

little,
the mullet is a dead giveaway.

vixen,
freedom of speech doesn't include harassment. He deserved a CVB.

faltenin,
that's his "A" material.

mbfic,
it's a numbers game. You should have said "Yes I have a boyfriend, and he's CRAZEEE."

cherry,
stupidity is a strong confidence booster.

fritz,
does your boyfriend hate me for all the lurid comments I've made?

teri,
I think it has worked in cases of extreme drunkeness on the part of the woman.

lone,
even though she's an ex, you have to admire someone who wants to avoid drama.

knitty,
even I haven't said anything that revolting to you. Yet. HA. He was no doubt mesmorized by your hotness.

mushy,
I'm so sorry I lost my temper. It's just that when I said Hello and you responded, I naturally assumed you'd want to have sex with me. My bad.

rachel,
wood jokes are so the best icebreaker. Really.

Blogger yournamehere said...

tumbleweed,
mullet but bald on top, ala the Gallagher, may be the worst haircut this side of the one Moe from the Three Stooges sported.

trix,
come on, you work weekends as a bartender. Hot female bartenders must get leered at more than a Home Depot customer.

jj,
I'll bet he's like Norm from "Cheers" at the local Supercuts.

cold hands,
I clumsily flirt with you in front of the entire internets, so I must be a major idiot.

solethoughts,
I'm thinking of becoming a faith healer/pornographer.

madmeer,
no, men don't have the right to harass women, and I have the restraining order from Jessica Alba to prove it.

jersey joe,
OH MY GOD!!!! Someone knows what happened to self-proclaimed Pro Poker player Mike "MC Poker" Cunningham? THANK JESUS CHRIST OUR SAVIOR!! My prayers have been answered.

"MC Poker" sounds like a DJ at a strip club.

dennis,
*Sigh* That never works.

le chat,
sadly, I've seriously considered it.

todd,
what did he think you were going to do when you saw him waiting for you, throw your groceries to the ground, scream like a little girl, and scurry off?

tlsd,
am I nice or just shy? Oh well, the results are the same.

Blogger Livia said...

Can you let me know when the whole trinket thing takes off because I wouldn't mind joining that business.

Thanks!

Blogger Trix said...

Yeah, Todd, that's true. But in the bar, I can throw a drink in their face, tell them to fuck off, and have them thrown out!

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

Ack!

Blogger DogGirl said...

I totally HAD to have this guy who told me

"You have dick sucking lips. Women pay alot of money for those now... are they real?"

What A Charmer. I had to prove him right.

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