Monday, April 17, 2006
White People Crack Me Up
I was in the returns office at a Home Depot the other day, patiently waiting for a confirmation number for one of our damaged products, when I saw something that wasn't for my eyes: A sheet compiling the scores and comments of every "secret shop" (people hired to shop and critique) for all of the stores in the Las Vegas area. Under comments, I saw a few choice complaints, but this one was by far the best...

"The male employees were very aggressive toward one another and kept calling each other 'dog'. It made for a rather uncomfortable shopping experience."

In other words, "I'm so white I should never leave the house."


Blogger Egan said...

Did they spell dog with one g or two? I mean the correct spelling is with two in that sense. "What's up dogg?".

Blogger Ian McGibboney said...

I can see how that probably continued:

"Not only that, but they kept following me around, as if I would have the audacity to steal their goods. I felt very insulted; at my establishment, it is policy to only follow the minorities around."


Blogger Knitty Kitty said...

were they calling the customer "dog"? If someone called me "dog" I would feel really cool for about 2 seconds.

Blogger da buttah said...


not dawg? or dogg? or dag?

sometimes being caucassion is just so hard these days..

This person apparently hasn't been out in public since the 80's. Pre-dawg.

Blogger AWE said...

But if they had called each other Bastard it would have been ok?

Blogger JJ said...

At least they weren't doing the "Know how I know you're gay?" routine from 40 Year Old Virgin.

Blogger miss kendra said...

that's why me and my coworkers just call eachother shithead, fuckface and cuntbag.

so there's no confusion.

K-Fed's cousins. May they be sued by Thomas Dolby too.

Blogger Claudia said...

Randy Jackson must be PISSED.

Later, dogg.

Blogger tlsd said...

Yo dawg... thats bitchin'.

What an utter moron.
Sometimes I'm embarrassed to be white. Urgh.

Blogger Shannon said...

I would love to have been on the receiving end of the memo that went out after that comment was received.

Attn: All Emoloyees
RE: Inappropriate use of "Dog" on the floor

Blogger Gwen said...

You know how I know you're gay? Because you spelled dogg with only one G while you were having sex with another man last night.

Blogger Übermilf said...

As long as employees don't hump one another's legs nor sniff each other's asses as dogs, I don't see the problem with using the word "dog."

Blogger yournamehere said...

they may have said "dogg" or "dawg" but she spelled "dog".

no one ever gets followed around at Home Depot. Blacks, whites, Asians, Hispanics all equally free to steal whatever they want.

I'd feel cool if they called me "Big Poppa".

oh, the White Man's Burden.

I would think she's from the Summerlin area of Las Vegas and isn't exposed to much non-anglican culture.

if they'd have used charming British accents I'm sure it would have been just fine.

god knows I've said worse in front of customers.

Blogger yournamehere said...

there's never confusion with cuntbag.

KFed was hatched.

Randy Jackson is pissed because he obviously sold his soul to the devil by the fact that anyone knows who he is.

I'm embarrassed to be white when I dance. Or that time I fucked Shaquille O'Neil's ex-girlfriend.

oh, you know that memo exists. You know it does.

I love you, too.

that's because you're not a repressed bag of shit.

Blogger The DogGrrrrl said...

Is a caucassion a percussion instrument? I'd like one.

Sometimes the comments ARE the best part! (no offense Todd, you know I loves you from lips to loins).

Blogger Tumbleweed said...

shit bro, that white hoochie ain't down with the shiznit. She need to take her cracker ass back to da crib and chill.

Blogger Trix said...

Stupid honkies.

Blogger FRITZ said...

I confess: My mother is the secret-shopper for Vegas.

No, I swear to God, she wrote that.

Because when we go out to eat, and the wait-person (or whatever the hell we're supposed to call them) comes to the table and says, "Hey,guys! What can I get for you?", my mouthy mother says, "PARdon ME, we are LADIES, not GUYS."

And another time at the mall: "Why do young men call each other 'Dog'? It used to be 'Cat' in the sixties. I remember when men were cool cats. Now they are dogs? I don't understand..."

My mom is so white she...well, I can't think of anything clever to follow up with that. She's just really, really white.

Blogger DogGirl said...

Todd, go read my Shit Story :) Dog Girl is returning (not with frequency, but returning)

I thought that the word "dog" used to refer to another human actually traumatized you as a youth, Todd.

Didn't you tell me that you were looking through magazines at a drug store when a couple of homeless guys walked near you, and one of them proceded to rip the worst fart you have ever smelled, and said to the other, "Awwwww, Dog!" You said that punks ass was actually the hell mouth.

Blogger yournamehere said...

you love me that much? Promise?


yes indeed.

your mom is so white...damn, I can't think of anything clever either.

so the date went swimmingly.

well, they were redneck teenagers, not homeless, and they said "dawg" like a good redneck would, but other than that, yes, that was the worst fart ever.

Blogger Mung said...

I for one am going to embrace my overly whiteness. I think I'll say thinks like "for shizzle" and over enunciate my 'R's – all with a straight face.

This could be my new hobby. Yeah, I’m a pretty exciting guy.

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