Thursday, April 06, 2006
Why American Idol Sucks the Cross-Stitched Cock of a Post-Op Tranny

This is a short list of artists who would have never made it past the first round of American Idol and would have been insulted by that lame-ass douche Simon.

Neil Young
Bob Dylan
Bruce Springsteen
Warren Zevon
Natalie Merchant
Tom Waits
John Lennon
Kurt Cobain
Janis Joplin
Elvis Costello

I know everyone has different musical tastes (I don't like all of the people on this list), but I think original artists who actually write their own songs deserve a little more respect than Carrie Cunting Underwood.

Why is this show still popular? The "bad singing" auditions are funny for about a minute, then it feels like laughing at retarded people. It is sad that not one friend or family member had the scrote-nuggets to tell them they're all dreadful.

After America gets to bust its collective nut snickering at the weak, the "real" show begins, and that's just karaoke for people too young and/or anti-social to step into a bar.

I much prefer an honest-to-Buddha karaoke bar. They serve drinks there, members of the opposite sex are present, and the talentless hacks performing other people's material are delightfully free of affectation and have never met an agent or image consultant. But best of all, if someone like Simon makes a shockingly cruel but somehow unfunny comment, he can quickly be ripped apart limb-from-limb mob justice style.

Someday this shit will run out of its own flatulent gas, but until then, every time some dolled-up trailer tart clears the anonymous-encounter-jizz from her throat and warbles "I Will Always Love You", our society slips a little further into the cesspool. I'm usually all for that, but not this time.


39 Comments:

Robert Plant, Mary J. Blige, Eddie Vedder, Chris Cornell, the ghost of Layne Staley, and George Clinton wouldn't have made it either. Hell, my whole CD collection wouldn't have made it on American Midol.

I betcha the guy from Snick-le-back would.

Blogger Egan said...

I love you Todd, but I have to say the show is amusing. Simon isn't nearly as bad as the show makes him out to be. Most of that banter has to be scripted, but I know you don't watch the show.

I do get your point about a shortcut to a recording deal, but this show didn't start that. Ashlee Simpson.

Blogger Trix said...

Look, the only reason I still watch is because we have an office pool going...it's called, "How many lame-brained, stupid-assed things will that crack-whore Paula Abdul spew from her collagen-injected lips tonight?" The person with the closest count wins. I'm going for 2 in a row.

I'm back, babe. Missed you!

Love, Trixie

Blogger Princess Steph said...

thank you for this post. i just cant understand why perfectly normal people continue to watch this debacle.

oh, and im ready to have your baby now. fyi.

Clay "Fucking" Aiken's rise to fame made me completely lose faith in humanity. Does anybody that votes on this crap have two clicking neurons? I weep for the future.

Blogger Egan said...

I am proud to say I have never voted on any American Idol contestant. Steph, I'm hurt.

Blogger Cherry! said...

I love these shows.

Wasn't there something recently about Paula Abdul being whacked on the show? That's most definitely entertaining.

I also like seeing the 'singers' crying and carrying on when they get their asses kicked out.

Blogger Secret said...

Sorry Todd, I love the show. I call it good family humor. I do agree that a lot of "real" artist would have never made it past Simon though.....Alas, I still think your funny.

Blogger katarina said...

Sorry. I do watch it. I don't vote, but I watch. It's something to talk about at work.
Those people you speak of weren't really considered "American Idols".
They were serious artists. They wouldn't have tried out for the show. It would've been beneath them. But I'm sure they would've watched it purely for the entertainment value.

Blogger Brookelina said...

I watch it. I can't explain why I do, but I do. For some bizarre reason my entire family is watching it this year, and we have never even looked at it twice before. It must be something in the air.

I blame the Bush administration. The dumbing down of America has finally oozed into my family. I feel the need to laugh at inappropriate moments and mispronounce nuclear.

Blogger AWE said...

This is reality tv made over. I think it is all a setup.

Blogger Übermilf said...

Sinbad got his start on Star Search.

If that doesn't teach us all something about these types of programs, nothing else will.

I watched the show once, the first year it was on.

I support your thesis.

Blogger Blonde said...

Wow, you learn something new everyday here. I never knew that Carrie Underwood's middle name was Cunting.

I will name my first born Cunting after her.

Blogger Ian McGibboney said...

Thank you, Todd! I despise all reality shows, because basically they celebrate the jerks in the world. And while some people might get their kicks from watching people go down in flames, often taking their life's ambitions with them, it just reminds me of how hostile the world really is.

And for what? The latest pop tart? The world is run by greedy corporate types appealing to the lowest common denominator, so artistic merit and individuality have an almost inverse relationship with success.

Well said.

Blogger JJ said...

That faux R&B crap where a song is just a collection of torturous high notes with mumbling in between is the problem. This all started with Mariah Carey and should have ended with her. And how stellar a talent scout is Simon when the only one of the Idols who amassed even a little success is the one that cut him loose as soon as she was crowned?

Blogger Jay said...

I knew there was a reason I don't watch that show! I mean, other than I don't have TV.

Blogger Egan said...

Ubie, are you saying Sinbad isn't funny?

Ian, wow... you have given this a lot of thought. It's just tv. Change the channel if you don't like it. I am not forced to read Todd's blog, but I do. Same sort of thing.

Blogger da buttah said...

never watched that god forsaken show.

how much do you love me now?

Blogger solethoughts said...

I admit that I watch it. There. I said it. I watch it because Paula Abdul reminds me how much I hate certain people. I watch it because Randy reminds what not to wear.

Blogger Dale said...

First year I've watched this live train wreck and while amusing, you've got points aplenty on why it's so wrong. Still, I watch because I'm pretty sure Paula's gonna bang one of the contestants right there on stage. Normally I have to pay for that kind of shit.

Blogger Kath said...

I've never watched this show.

Blogger tlsd said...

If only there was the chance to vote off The Cowell... on the plus side whilst he's filming in the US of A, he isn't over here...

In fact could you keep him for ever.

Blogger yournamehere said...

writepro,
Oh, Simon, Mr. Faux-edgy, would PRAISE that Nickleback asshole.

egan,
I have no doubt Simon's "witty banter" is scripted, which makes me hate him even more.

trix,
I missed you too. And congrats on the big news.

steph,
the best thing about having babies is making them. Let's get started.

vast,
every time I hear a Clay Aiken song, blood pours from my anus.

egan,
I'm sure if you weren't married Steph would much rather have your baby.

cherry,
Paula Abdul came to Vegas and got two people who worked at a local hotel fired because she missed their flight (and I guess the workers weren't able to stop time so she could make it to the airport on time). These were two working people who needed their jobs to support their families. So fuck Paula Abdul.

teri,
as long as you still think I'm funny, we're cool.

kat,
I can't imagine Kurt Cobain sitting around mainlining heroin and watching Idol.

brooke,
you can't blame this one on Bush (yes, I know you weren't serious).

awe,
part of it is, sure.

Blogger yournamehere said...

ubie,
I watched the final two episodes of the first season, because I saw that permed douche who came in second on a talk show and I really didn't want him to win. Why I cared is beyond me.

blonde,
if it's a boy or a girl? Interesting.

ian,
reality tv is only real in the fact that the loudmouth, overly-aggressive extroverts who are rewarded in real life are also rewarded there.

jj,
Simon wouldn't know talent if it sat on his face and wiggled.

miss jay,
I don't own an iron. At least your clothes are presentable.

egan,
I must disagree. American Idol is not just TV. If it was only a television show, I wouldn't have written this. Every time I go into a retail establishment I'm bombarded by the shitty music of Kelly Clarkson, Clay Aiken, Ruben whatzizname and Carrie Cunterwood. Same thing if I'm in a car driven by someone with poor taste in music. I also hate Survivor, but it doesn't follow me around like a bad fart, so it doesn't bother me.

buttah,
I didn't think I could possibly love you more, but I was mistaken.

sole,
you watch because of anti-fashion tips? What's the real reason?

dale,
but whatever happened to MC Skat Cat?

kath,
and you are better for it.

tlsd,
is he really from England? I thought his accent, like his entire persona, was fake.

Blogger Violet said...

I watched a full season and routinely watch the train-wreckier first part of the other seasons. But I think I've got a "get-out-of-Todd's-bad-graces-free-card": my job makes me think too much as it is. Also, if you want to see something *really* disturbing, you should check out that "next great invention" show. It's like getting eviscerated with a shiv attached to a broom that can also rake leaves.

Blogger MoDigli said...

Perfect! No one could have said it better, Todd!

Blogger Mung said...

Ok, “Nick” (not the bald one with satanic-blue eyes) pointed me to your site and I have been reading it not stop (including all the comments) from the beginning and I Just Found Out from your Monday, February 06, 2006 entry that you are Mary Worth. That was some funny shit. I was so disappointed when “Mary Worth” only had, like 3 entries and responded to the first few comments. Man, I’m disappointed that I can’t gain more free entertainment from your antics. I understand though, my blog is a total piece of crap because I don’t have enough perseverance to stick with it and actually write anything. So big Effing Whoopty Do, I went to China – I think that is about all the insight one could gain from reading that tripe. My bog is like a floater on the top of the water of the toilet bowl of boggerdom. I love when my idealistic dreams lay like a cheap listless hooker in the gutter of Sam’s Town.

Anyway, Cheers. Here’s to your stick-to-itiveness I’ve enjoyed these 10 months or so I’ve been blog-stocking you. My master plan is to get caught up and then post daily or so in your comments rather than actually create anything of my own.

Sorry for the drivel,
Mung

P.S. Nefarious Pants,
I really like your blog and identify with a lot of your daily trials with the Mormon family. I too was raised Mormon (not in Utah thank...ah...Loki, I guess) but I actually went on a mission after being subjected to the temple experience. I’m still mildly traumatized. I spend the "best 2 years"(yeah, right) in England so at least I got some culture with my brainwashing...And some ale, wine and scotch - which has only fueled my addition...

Sorry this is so long but I've had a few ciders.
Cheers.

Blogger Mung said...

PPS - I hate pps's by the way. I haven't read this particular entry nor the comments so I’m sure I’m way off topic but I was upset about the whole Mary Worth incident that I felt compelled to draw your attention to me – because I’m so interesting – and stuff – and I use a lot of hyphens – or dashes if that is what they are called.

Blogger Cincysundevil said...

This show is just proof that most people are fucking idiots who will watch or listen to whatever you put in front of them. Instead of finding great music, they'll just ingest whatever shit corporate America will shovel through a Wal Mart. I refuse to watch this show and it represents EVERYTHING that is wrong with music today.

Blogger Mung said...

I'm also sorry I misnamed you, Melliferous Pants a.k.a. Pants, pants, PANTS! But I still think the little voice in my head that saw "Nefarious" instead of "Melliferous" is kind of a subconscious and amusing statement on my mentality.

Blogger Todd said...

American Idol sucks. Katharine McPhee would get a penis, though.

Blogger yournamehere said...

violet,
hey, I don't dislike people who watch American Idol. I just don't see what's so entertaining about it.

mo,
someone might have said it better. But he probably doesn't blog.

mung,
yes, I was Mary Worth. Thanks for reading everything. Are you even reading the shitty posts?

cincy,
amen, brother.

mung,
I thought you were talking about someone else. I was thinking "Who is this Nefarious Pants?"

todd,
there are always a few hotties.

Blogger Claudia said...

I love Simon Cowell. He is a fucking brilliant businessman and he offers the only valid critique on the show. Sorry, but I have a thing for assholes.

Blogger Egan said...

Claudia, marry me! I won't let my wife know if you happen to say yes.

Blogger yournamehere said...

claudia,
he is a brilliant businessman, but so was L. Ron Hubbard.

egan,
Clay Aiken. That's my best argument.

Blogger FRITZ said...

If talent in America means sounding exactly like everyone else then...

...well, draw your own damn conclusions. I'm going to listen to Devo, now.

Blogger Cherry! said...

She got them fired because of her fuck up??? How the hell does that work???? What a fucking bitch!

Blogger afromabq said...

honest to buddha - that was funny and good, you know i love that.

and i watched idol the first year and haven't since. kelly was and is their best selection yet, she's proved herself worthy.

Blogger Tumbleweed said...

Okay, here's some honesty...I hate reality TV, but I love Chris Daughtry...my only reason for watching now and then. Plus, it's fun to hear what stupid stuff Simon is going to say.

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