Saturday, March 25, 2006
Meet the Bloggers
My participation in the lonely, isolated hobby that is blogging has introduced me to fine people throughout the world. I have blog-buddies in Canada, England, Australia, Italy, Ireland, and all across the United States. As someone who doesn't like a lot of people I meet in person, this has been an unexpected but welcome benefit of making an ass of myself for the amusement of dozens on a near-daily basis.

I've even met some bloggers in person. None of the beautiful female bloggers I've met wanted to have sex with me, and that killed me a little inside, but I can't say I've met anyone I haven't liked; and since I openly advertise myself as a fat middle-aged impoverished schlub, I don't think it's possible I've disappointed anyone (except Pants, of course).*

I would like to meet other bloggers in the near future. Actually, Blonde is coming to Vegas in May and I'm very excited. We're gonna drink Patron like we're on Spring Break.

Disclaimer time: I'm going to list some things I'd like to do when I meet certain bloggers. Take it as a given that if you're female and single, I want to have sex with you. Is that clear? Gender: Female, Status: Single = I want to bang you. So, I won't mention that again.
Also, I want to meet all of you, but how long would this post be if I mentioned everyone? Pretty fuckin' long, I'd wager. So no hurt feelings, damn it.

Dena: I wouldn't introduce myself to her, since her inevitable rejection of me would crush my spirit. Instead, I would follow her into a coffee house and stare openly and lustily at her fleshy parts, hoping she would notice and either yell at me, blog about it, or god willing, yell at me AND blog about it. I would then be immortalized and could die a happy man.

Anti-hero: He is a smooth dude, so we'd go bar hopping and he could give me some pointers on how not to come off as a complete assbucket in front of the ladies. Then maybe sex wouldn't avoid me like R. Kelly avoids women who are old enough to drive.

Brooke: I'd want Brooke to give me a walking tour of the Jersey shore, but the entire time I'd want her to talk in a Bruce Springsteen voice: "Well, Todd, a lot of folks used to hang out at the pier, but the factory left town and took the people with it. They say at night, when the wind's still and the moon shines down on the abandoned buildings, you can hear the ghosts who still live here, saying a prayer for our souls."

Nick: I'm thinking either Opera or strip club. What are your thoughts, Nick?

Claudia: This is Canadian Claudia, not Vegas Claudia, whom I've met (she rules, by the way). Claudia already knows I want her to do the Wheelbarrell, the Running Man, and any other outdated Soul Train dance in the middle of a posh, crowded Vegas nightclub, preferably while wearing a Sam's Town belly-shirt.

Ubie: I adore Ubie. Her righteous indignation is like food to me, and I'm a fat guy who likes his food, so I think we should go to an abortion clinic and harass the douchebags who harass the female patients. Most people have an opinion about abortion that is a little more nuanced than the media would have us believe, but I have a feeling the sight of old men screaming pseudo-religious hatespeak at teenage girls is something that would get Ubie all riled up. Then, god help those fuckers.

Calzone: I don't even know if Calzone will ever post again, but I have to meet the person behind this creation. I'd probably just sit in awe as he weaved tales of depravity that would make Larry Flynt get up and walk away.

tlsd: I want to give her a lovely tour of Las Vegas using my worst phony British accent ever. I want to say "Pip pip and all that" and "Cheery-O" and use "shan't" in every sentence I utter. Just thinking about it puts a smile on my face.

Princess Steph: We differ politically, so of course I'd want to have a spirited yet civilized discussion of topical issues; followed, of course, by her having hot sex with another gorgeous woman in my presence. Sort of like Crossfire meets Cinemax.

Egan: I would try to talk him into not liking the French so much, maybe by having him speak French to an actual Frenchman. The resulting snooty critique could very well bring him over to my side. Really, I would just want a tour of Seattle, but what's funny about that?

There are so many others, especially the other single female bloggers with whom I want to do the bone-dance. Hope to see you soon.
*Just kidding, Pants. Get well, babe.


Blogger n.v. said...

Oh, Peaches!

You lie, you know I would fall at your feet. And as for my fleshy parts, how much time do you have to stare? I am too fleshy of late. I have tits on my thighs now, too.

Thanks for the big ups, hotnuts.

Blogger n.v. said...

WOO! First comment - that never happens!

Blogger FRITZ said...

Maybe next time, I'll make it on the VIP list. Otherwise, I'll still hang about and listlessly state random tidbits and laugh. Because while you SAY your blog is running in place, I think it is actually quite indicative of running SOMEWHERE, and find it amusing, and unabashedly TRUE, and frenetic, and soul-crushingly hilarious.

Blogger Nick said...

Strip Club? Why can't we go have a sit down at a coffee shop and talk sports? Wait, fuck that.

Let's go to a strip club and barely look at each other, much less talk to one another. There'll be time enough for talking when our faces aren't doubling as a place for boobs to rest.

Blogger Brookelina said...

I can do that!

Blogger Trix said...

Jesus, I go away on vacation & I'm dropped from the list. Thanks, Todd.

Blogger Ruben said...

Very funny post.

Blogger Knitty Kitty said...

If ubie shows up I want pictures.

Blogger your anti-hero said...

whoa..I'm honored. it sucks that i wasn't able to come down over christmas last year but i promise to make it down before i die. this time be in town so i can crash!

it sucks that i've had to move my blog three times because of circumstances but for anyone interested... is my new blog. shhhh, it's secret.

you really didn't think i was gonna let this oppurtunity pass to plug my new blog did you?? i'm such a whore.

so when i do come down to visit maybe i can drag egan down since he lives somewhat close to me.

Blogger Princess Steph said...

one plane ticket later and we could make that happen for you Todd luv.....


No seriously.

Blogger tlsd said...

So I get a Vegas Bone Dance too... super... is that before, after or during the tour?

Will you say "I shan't stop. I shan't stop until you give me satisfaction, damn you"

Ahem, sorry, erm got a little excited then...

"toodle pip"

Blogger Ćœbermilf said...

I'd need to wash my hair first.

Blogger Nick said...

Wash your hair you smelly hippy.

Blogger katarina said...

Me! Me!
I want to go to the strip club with you and Nick.
I gotta hit the bank for $1 bills first.

Blogger Spirit Of Owl said...

I'm so tired of being unnecessary to people's lists. They think I don't care, these list makers. But, who wouldn't care? I'm listworthy, if only to deride. So deride me you motherfucker, or I swear you're on my list of people who don't have me on a list you heartless cunt.

Blogger Nick said...

There's always room for one more at a strip club.

Blogger Askinstoo said...

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make some nice extra cash secret shopping. Just go to the site below
and put in your zip to see what's available in your area.
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Blogger Nick said...

And by "having fun" he means "sucking cock behind the 7-11".

Blogger yournamehere said...

face it, you're hot and I'm gonna stare at your goodies.

I haven't updated my blogroll in months. Nothing personal.
And thanks for the kind words.

if you go to the right place, you can wear their asses as a hat.

oh, and you'll be topless.

you aren't dropped. I'm in love with you.


what kind of pictures are you talking about. She's married woman.

I should be here.

I've never been more serious.

Blogger yournamehere said...

I'll say what you want me to.

and put on something dressy. This is an upscale abortion clinic.

she asked me for a quarter.

will you give me a lapdance?

that's Mr.Heartless cunt to you.

especially another chick.

Also, I was going to delete the spam but decided against it, since you took care of bidness.

Blogger Monalicious said...

This is a great post, I very well may steal it in the near future. Consider it flattery or plagerism, I don't care.

Blogger MollyNormal said...

Did you get my voicemail Friday night? I drunk dialed you for phone sex but you didn't answer. :(

Blogger katarina said...

Lap dances all around!

Blogger n.v. said...

Hero, I agree that you are a whore.

Todd, I hard-on you.

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

Your description of what you'd like to do with Claudia is exactly what I do in Vegas nightclubs. Except I don't have a Sam's Town belly-shirt but splitting my pants in a Vegas nightclub should somehow make up for that fact.

Blogger yournamehere said...

someone as monalicious as you can steal from me any time.

I fell asleep early on Friday. I can't even get any via phone.

I want to monopolize the lap dances from you.

does this mean your nipples are erect?

the pants-splitting more than makes up for the lack of a Sam's Town belly shirt. I definitely want to watch you do those dances the next time you're in town, though.

Blogger Violet said...

I completely applaud your foray into sex tourism. May your sexual generosity have people coming back for more.

Great choices. Definitely the best of the blogosphere!

Blogger Jo said...

My feelings aren't hurt at all. I totally don't want to meet you either. Cunt.

Blogger Egan said...

Todd, you are the man. I have a feeling my interaction with a real French person would surprise you. Don't underestimate my friends across the pond.

I bet you would love a guided tour of Seattle. I could show you my Erik Estrada autographed photo. Loved the post man.

Blogger Nick said...

I'm actually jealous of the Estrada picture. Damn.

Blogger Claudia said...

Well, I'll be happy to. For a small fee, of course.

Blogger yournamehere said...

sex tourism? Funny.

I want to move to Dallas and marry you, but that had already been discussed in this forum.

you officially aren't married, so I'd certainly want to have sex with you. The fact that you called me a cunt just makes me want you more.

a French college exchange student showed me her boobs at a bar in Louisville a few years ago. She was so attractive her hairy pits didn't even bother me.

I'm still laughing at your 7-11 comment.

Blogger Crystal said...

Is there a, "Bloggers I'd Like To Maybe Grab A Cup of Bitter Coffee With Before Making Excuses About Having To Go Home Because The Coffee Gave Me Diarrhea When In Reality I Just Want To Get Away From You, You Raving Fuck" list that I can be on?


Blogger yournamehere said...

I've said numerous times that your blog is my favorite, and it seemed to make you uncomfortable. Also, didn't you say something about your soon-to-be husband owning a gun?

But still, I'd love to meet you so I can say I know you when you start making money from your writing.

Blogger Blonde said...

NO Blonde on the list??? SHEESH.

I am going to be out there in a month, and no sex with me I guess....

Blogger Crystal said...

Oh. Not uncomfortable in a "gee, can you get your dick off my leg?" kind of way, but more of an, "Aw, shucks, Todd" kind of way.

I'm Southern. We're supposed to be humble and gracious while secretly lapping it up.

No gun. He prefers the "up close and personal" of a crossbow or some such shit.

Blogger yournamehere said...

did you read the entire post? I mention that you're coming out in a month, so that's why you're not on the list, because I'll be meeting you soon.

I'm only upper south southern and was unaware of the false humility thing. I do, however, have the false politeness down pat.

Blogger IndependentGrl said...

As a long lost blogger who's busy fighting the good fight with my idiot neighbor and apt. manager, I am not too insulted that I didn't make the list. I know deep down you have a soft spot (or maybe it's not so soft ;-) for me.

Blogger n.v. said...

Todd: No, but my cock is.

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