I am too tired to be entertaining tonight, so I'm turning this blog over to you, gentle reader. Your assignment: Tell me your favorite jokes in the comments. Here are two examples.
How come Hitler never drank whiskey?
It made him mean.
-and-
How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A fish.
Please keep your jokes short and to the point. Also: politically incorrect, okay. Racist, not okay.
Thanks for your continued support.
How come Hitler never drank whiskey?
It made him mean.
-and-
How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A fish.
Please keep your jokes short and to the point. Also: politically incorrect, okay. Racist, not okay.
Thanks for your continued support.
27 Comments:
Me: Knock knock
You: Who's there?
Me: Control freak
Me: Now you say control freak who.
Todds... hahah I asked for jokes yesterday too...
On getting into bed one night a man rolls over & gives his wife a big grin. His wife says: "Not tonight honey, I have a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow & I want to stay clean & fresh." The man, feeling rejected, rolls over & tries to go to sleep. A few minutes later he rolls back over & asks: "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow?"
I thought it was suitably Todd themed...
Politically incorrect:
4 guys stranded. White, Black, Indian, Japanese. White guy stands up and says I will find shelter, he then tells the black guy to go find wood and tells the Indian to go find food. He instructs the Japanese guy to find supplies. Little bit later White guy, black guy and Indian come back....no Japanese. They go search for him and he jumps out from behind a tree and say "SUPPLIES"
Ok, I will do the Religious.
Two nuns are riding their bicycles down the back streets of Rome, trying to find their way to the convent.
One leans over to the other and says, ".....I've never come this way before."
The other nun blushes and whispers. "...It's the cobblestones!"
How do you keep a dog from humping your leg?
Give him a blow job.
One night a man bursts into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm.
He says, "Honey, this is the woman I've been cheating on you with."
The man's wife says, "That's not a woman, it's a sheep!"
The man says, "I wasn't talking to you."
Bada bing!
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead!
Why did the elephant fall out of the tree?
Because it was stapled to the monkey!
why don't ant eaters ever get sick?
because they're full of little ant-ibodies!
Two friends on a business trip each hook up with a hot girl in a bar and decide to have a contest: whoever can lay the girl the most times in one night wins.
So each of the guys takes their respective girl into their hotel rooms for a night of fun. The first guy has no problem, as he and his excited partner tear up the sheets. After they're done, he goes into the bathroom and makes a notch on the mirror with the girl's lipstick.
They go at it again. This time it's not quite as feverish, but it's still good. The guy drags himself into the bathroom again and adds another notch next to the first one. Though both are tired, the couple tries again a third time. After a long, fumbling session, both finish again. The guy staggers into the bathroom and adds a third mark on the mirror. When he gets back to the bed, his girl's already asleep and he collapses as well.
The next morning, the guy wakes up to his friend knocking on his door. He lets him in and says, "Well, let's see how you did." Spotting the three notches on the mirror, he says, "Damn, 111? You beat me by four, you bastard!"
What's red, white and blue?
Red, white and blue?
And sounds and looks exactly the same, before, during, and after?...
...that's right, Todd, Nickleback in a blender!
This is how I remind, just how much they really suck.
Q: How is a divorce in Alabama like a tornado in Alabama?
A: One of them's gonna get the double wide.
Tumbleweed: That was AWESOME!!!
Long and religious...sorry.
A priest is hearing confession when he realizes that he really has to go pee, so he pokes his head out of the confessional and waves down the janior. He tells the janitor, “I have to go pee, just sit in here, listen to what people have to say and give out some penance”. The shocked janitor replies, “How do I know what penance to give out”. The priest explains, “It very easy, just look at this chart and it will tell you the penance to give out for each sin”. So, the janitor is sitting in the confessional doing as asked, lying=1 Our Father, stealing=2 Hail Mary’s…when a lady comes into the confessional and says that she’s been giving out blow jobs. The janitor looks on the chart and blow jobs are not listed, so he pokes his head out of the confessional hoping to see the priest returning, but only sees an alter boy. So, he flags down the alter boy and asks him, “What does the priest give for blow jobs?” To which the alter boy replies, “Usually a coke and a candy bar”.
A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier.
He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.
Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore."
At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. Look", she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."
Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the redhead saw her boyfriend buying flowers.
The redhead sighed and said, "Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again."
The blonde looked quizzically at her and said, "You don't like getting flowers from your boyfriend?"
The redhead said, "I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."
The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?
What do you do in a Jamaican jail?
Pokemon
What's Bushes position on Roe vs. Wade?
He doesn't really care how people got out of New Orleans.
MLE STOLE MY JOKES!!!!!! The hell?
I don't have any jokes.
But I didn't want you to think I didn't stop by.
How many Freudians does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to hold the lightbulb and another to turn the penis...er... ladder
A little long...
A pregnant brunette, red head and blonde are in the waiting room of their ob/gyn. The doctor comes out and asks the brunette, "In what position did you conceive?" She replies, "I was on top." The doctor quickly states, "It will be a girl."
He asks the red head the same question. She replies, "He was on top." The doctor declares, "It will be a boy."
With that the blonde bursts into tears and sobs, "I don't want to have puppies."
A fireman, a lawyer and a Catholic priest are on a cruise ship. One night, the boat starts to sink. The fireman starts organizing the evacuation. He says, "Get to the lifeboats! Women and children first!"
The lawyer says, "Fuck the women and children!"
The priest says, "Do you think there's time?"
I got nothing, but I did stop by and was highly amused. I remember my friends in high school used to tell really sexist jokes so here is one:
"Why don't women need a wristwatch? Because there is a clock on the stove"
There ya go, now I feel dirty!
how do you make a dead hooker float?
one scoop of ice cream, one scoop of dead hooker.
why do mice have such tiny balls?
because so few of them know how to dance.
What did George Bush say when he opened a box of Cheerios?
Donut seeds!!
On one side of the world, a man is walking a tightrope 57 stories off the ground. on the other side of the world, a man is getting a blowjob from and 80 year old. what are both of them thinking?
Don't look down, don't look down.
My favoritest joke EVER -
A mushroom walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve your kind here." The mushroom replies, "Why not? I'm a funghi!"
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