Tuesday, March 14, 2006
Make Me Laugh!
I am too tired to be entertaining tonight, so I'm turning this blog over to you, gentle reader. Your assignment: Tell me your favorite jokes in the comments. Here are two examples.

How come Hitler never drank whiskey?
It made him mean.


How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A fish.

Please keep your jokes short and to the point. Also: politically incorrect, okay. Racist, not okay.

Thanks for your continued support.


Blogger katarina said...

Me: Knock knock
You: Who's there?
Me: Control freak
Me: Now you say control freak who.

Blogger tlsd said...

Todds... hahah I asked for jokes yesterday too...

On getting into bed one night a man rolls over & gives his wife a big grin. His wife says: "Not tonight honey, I have a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow & I want to stay clean & fresh." The man, feeling rejected, rolls over & tries to go to sleep. A few minutes later he rolls back over & asks: "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow?"

I thought it was suitably Todd themed...

Blogger Nick said...

What do you call a black guy flying a plane?

A pilot, you fucking racist.

Blogger Tumbleweed said...

Politically incorrect:

4 guys stranded. White, Black, Indian, Japanese. White guy stands up and says I will find shelter, he then tells the black guy to go find wood and tells the Indian to go find food. He instructs the Japanese guy to find supplies. Little bit later White guy, black guy and Indian come back....no Japanese. They go search for him and he jumps out from behind a tree and say "SUPPLIES"

Blogger AWE said...

Ok, I will do the Religious.

Two nuns are riding their bicycles down the back streets of Rome, trying to find their way to the convent.

One leans over to the other and says, ".....I've never come this way before."

The other nun blushes and whispers. "...It's the cobblestones!"

Blogger Violet said...

How do you keep a dog from humping your leg?

Give him a blow job.

Blogger MsHellion said...

One night a man bursts into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm.

He says, "Honey, this is the woman I've been cheating on you with."

The man's wife says, "That's not a woman, it's a sheep!"

The man says, "I wasn't talking to you."

Bada bing!

What is better than having sex with a six year old girl?
Flipping her over and pretending it is a six year old boy.

Blogger MLE said...

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

Because it was dead!

Why did the elephant fall out of the tree?

Because it was stapled to the monkey!

Blogger miss kendra said...

why don't ant eaters ever get sick?

because they're full of little ant-ibodies!

Blogger KUYA 180 said...

2 midgets pick up 2 blondes in the hotel bar. They each take one to their rooms. First midget tries everything but can't get it up, all while hearing his midget buddy next door grunting "1,2,3 - uuh! 1,2,3 - uuh!"
Midgets meet the next day as one tells the other "fuck, I couldn't get it up but I heard you all night you lucky bastard." Other midget responds "wtf? I couldn't even get on the damn bed!"

Blogger Ian McGibboney said...

Two friends on a business trip each hook up with a hot girl in a bar and decide to have a contest: whoever can lay the girl the most times in one night wins.

So each of the guys takes their respective girl into their hotel rooms for a night of fun. The first guy has no problem, as he and his excited partner tear up the sheets. After they're done, he goes into the bathroom and makes a notch on the mirror with the girl's lipstick.

They go at it again. This time it's not quite as feverish, but it's still good. The guy drags himself into the bathroom again and adds another notch next to the first one. Though both are tired, the couple tries again a third time. After a long, fumbling session, both finish again. The guy staggers into the bathroom and adds a third mark on the mirror. When he gets back to the bed, his girl's already asleep and he collapses as well.

The next morning, the guy wakes up to his friend knocking on his door. He lets him in and says, "Well, let's see how you did." Spotting the three notches on the mirror, he says, "Damn, 111? You beat me by four, you bastard!"

What's red, white and blue?
Red, white and blue?
And sounds and looks exactly the same, before, during, and after?...

...that's right, Todd, Nickleback in a blender!
This is how I remind, just how much they really suck.

Blogger FRITZ said...

Q: How is a divorce in Alabama like a tornado in Alabama?
A: One of them's gonna get the double wide.

Blogger FRITZ said...

Tumbleweed: That was AWESOME!!!

Blogger AJ said...

A pedophile and a small child walk into the woods.
The small child says, "I'm scared."
"You think you're scared," exclaims the pedophile, "I gotta walk out of these woods alone!"

Blogger Cincysundevil said...

This one is lame:
Did you hear about the guy who got way too turned on by the law?
He got off on a technicality.

(I can hear the groans)

How do you make a hormone?
You fuck her.

Blogger Secret said...

Man 1: How can you tell if a woman has an orgasm?

Man 2: Who the fu~k cares?

Blogger Housekeeper said...

Long and religious...sorry.

A priest is hearing confession when he realizes that he really has to go pee, so he pokes his head out of the confessional and waves down the janior. He tells the janitor, “I have to go pee, just sit in here, listen to what people have to say and give out some penance”. The shocked janitor replies, “How do I know what penance to give out”. The priest explains, “It very easy, just look at this chart and it will tell you the penance to give out for each sin”. So, the janitor is sitting in the confessional doing as asked, lying=1 Our Father, stealing=2 Hail Mary’s…when a lady comes into the confessional and says that she’s been giving out blow jobs. The janitor looks on the chart and blow jobs are not listed, so he pokes his head out of the confessional hoping to see the priest returning, but only sees an alter boy. So, he flags down the alter boy and asks him, “What does the priest give for blow jobs?” To which the alter boy replies, “Usually a coke and a candy bar”.

Blogger afromabq said...

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier.

He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.

Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore."

At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. Look", she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."

Blogger Brookelina said...

Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the redhead saw her boyfriend buying flowers.

The redhead sighed and said, "Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again."

The blonde looked quizzically at her and said, "You don't like getting flowers from your boyfriend?"

The redhead said, "I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."

The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?

Blogger Todd said...

What do you do in a Jamaican jail?

Blogger Susann said...

What's Bushes position on Roe vs. Wade?

He doesn't really care how people got out of New Orleans.

Blogger aughra said...

MLE STOLE MY JOKES!!!!!! The hell?

Blogger Übermilf said...

I don't have any jokes.

But I didn't want you to think I didn't stop by.

Blogger Ilovebawlz said...

Your mom is so sick....

I heard she used to work at a sperm bank but got fired for drinking on the job!

Blogger K said...

How many Freudians does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two. One to hold the lightbulb and another to turn the penis...er... ladder

Blogger Monalicious said...

A little long...

A pregnant brunette, red head and blonde are in the waiting room of their ob/gyn. The doctor comes out and asks the brunette, "In what position did you conceive?" She replies, "I was on top." The doctor quickly states, "It will be a girl."

He asks the red head the same question. She replies, "He was on top." The doctor declares, "It will be a boy."

With that the blonde bursts into tears and sobs, "I don't want to have puppies."

Blogger Hulkster said...

A fireman, a lawyer and a Catholic priest are on a cruise ship. One night, the boat starts to sink. The fireman starts organizing the evacuation. He says, "Get to the lifeboats! Women and children first!"

The lawyer says, "Fuck the women and children!"

The priest says, "Do you think there's time?"

Blogger Knitty Kitty said...

I got nothing, but I did stop by and was highly amused. I remember my friends in high school used to tell really sexist jokes so here is one:

"Why don't women need a wristwatch? Because there is a clock on the stove"

There ya go, now I feel dirty!

Blogger ginonymous said...

how do you make a dead hooker float?

one scoop of ice cream, one scoop of dead hooker.

why do mice have such tiny balls?

because so few of them know how to dance.

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

What did George Bush say when he opened a box of Cheerios?

Donut seeds!!

Blogger megan said...

this one is lame, but i love it.

what's homer simpsons favorite ice cream flavor?

chocolate-chip cookie DOH!

Blogger j said...

what do ethiopians and yoko ono have in common?

they both live off dead beatles.

Blogger MollyNormal said...

What do you say to a one-legged hitch hiker??

HOP IN!!!!!

Blogger Slutbag said...

On one side of the world, a man is walking a tightrope 57 stories off the ground. on the other side of the world, a man is getting a blowjob from and 80 year old. what are both of them thinking?

Don't look down, don't look down.

Blogger Megan said...

Another one with the theme:

How do you get a blowjob from a white trash girl?

Dip it in Ranch...

Blogger Jo said...

My favoritest joke EVER -

A mushroom walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve your kind here." The mushroom replies, "Why not? I'm a funghi!"

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