Saturday, March 04, 2006
Drama at the Home Depot
As some of you may know, I am an in-store service rep for Home Depot; I'm actually an employee of the generic-named Professional Services, Inc. and not Home Depot, which means I get treated like shit by clueless, disinterested airheads in California instead of the brutal, soulless, ruthless corporate vipers at Home Depot headquarters in Atlanta (and, thank sweet merciful god, I don't have to wear an apron). It also means in a past life I must have been the guy who drove the final nail at Christ's crucifixion to deserve such an occupation.

My job is easy, but for the most part life-numbingly boring. There was a recent incident, however, that was a bit exciting.

Last week I was sitting right outside of the store, talking to some of my friends from a different service group, when a very muscle-bound individual walked past us followed by the not-at-all-muscular loss prevention manager. The lp stopped the mountain with a face and told him he saw the guy steal something. The shoplifter gave the merchandise back, there was some squabbling back and forth, then BAM! And no, it wasn't Emeril seasoning the potatoes, it was the loss prevention guy getting hit in the face and dropping like a lead dildo. Luckily the store manager was just coming out of the store so I didn't have to give up my comfy bench seat and pretend to care if the guy was still alive. He was, just a little dazed. The perp ran to his car and took off while we vendors sat there with awe-struck looks on our faces.

It doesn't end there. After I had left for the day, a different behemoth came in the store looking for the loss prevention guy. He was told to wait outside while they tracked him down, and he did just that. He waited in his car with the original assailant while the store manager called the cops, who promptly arrived and arrested the two. It seems they both had a long list of felony convictions and were stealing supplies to make crack pipes. Several pipes and enough crack to give Whitney Houston the bends were found in their car. And this was at my NICE Home Depot, in a decent neighborhood. Well, crooks have cars, and in the suburbs it seems they hire security personnel who can't take a punch. If they weren't so stupid as to sit in a car at the scene of the crime while the cops finished their doughnuts, they would still be free to smoke the rock and sell the remainder to school kids; living a version of the American Dream, I suppose.


Blogger MoDigli said...

Oh my god! The only thing that could have made this story even better is if they somehow killed themselves while waiting in the car (a la Darwin Award style).

What a couple of IDIOTS!

Still, it sounds like you got some entertainment out of your mind numbingly boring job that day.

And I'm tickled to be the first to comment! :)

Blogger Ćœbermilf said...

I don't think gangs make the guy with the brains steal the supplies.

At least you get to watch a show every now and again.

Blogger Claudia said...

Seriously. Returning to the place from which you stole stuff earlier in the day is the BEST IDEA EVER!

I think I'm in love.

Blogger tlsd said...

Todds... they honestly just sat there??!!! That's beyond dumb!!

... on the plus side... and I know you said you didn't but... now I'm picturing you wearing nothing but an apron...

*aroused smirk*

Dumb fucks can really spice up the day.

Blogger yournamehere said...

I think they were trying to kill themselves with crack.
By the way, I voted for the neck picture. Nice neck.

they should have at least sent people who could function.

I'm sure you could be one of their bitches if that's what you aspire to.

your aroused smirks are quite arousing.

thank god for dumb fucks.

Blogger Cherry! said...

If it's one thing I love more than a muscle man, it's a crack addicted muscle man with no brain.

Blogger n.v. said...

Todderick, good on you for not getting involved. Judas taught us all to turn the other cheek unless there's a bag of chocolate-covered pork rinds in the deal.

Blogger Princess LadyBug said...

OMG! Thank goodness nothing worse happened. And I'm glad you're okay.

Blogger tlsd said...

Todds... knowing you're aroused arouses me even more...

*highly aroused smirk*

Blogger Empress said...

Now, I like 'em dumb, but not THAT dumb!

At least it broke up the boredom a little!

Blogger MoDigli said...

Hey, I'm happy with the neck, too, Todd. Thanks for voting. I'm glad your pick made it. :)

Blogger Lush said...

Dumb and Dumber, huh. If only they returned wearing a disguise of some sort.

Blogger thepoetryman said...
Blogger Knitty Kitty said...

Home Depot is the reason I had to move to alabama.

Blogger Egan said...

I honestly thought someone was going to be shot with your first story. Oh, the lure of crack.

Blogger Ilovebawlz said...

Have you ever read that blog about those guys that made the bet that one of them couldn't stay in Home Depot for 24 hours (or whatever the hours there are) in exchange for a keg of beer?

It was the funniest thing I think I've ever read online, with the exception of your blog, of course. God, I wish I could find that. You would truly appreciate it.

Blogger Brookelina said...

This story would have been much better if you had done some ass-kicking.

Blogger Blonde said...


All that drama at the Home Depot? I usually get bombarded by guys in orange aprons following clueless me around like a puppy.

Criminals go to the nicer neighborhoods to steal because there is better shit to steal ;).

Blogger miss kendra said...

i like home depot.

it makes me happy to be around all that wood.

Blogger yournamehere said...

he's the strong, violent type.

"What would Judas Do?" is my motto. Seriously, I guess I could have ran after him and gotten punched in the face as well, but I decided against it.

oh, I'm fine, except for splinters in my ass from sitting on that bench.

I'm totally aroused knowing that my arousal arouses you. Jesus, this is starting to sound like an Abbot and Costello routine.

I'm sure when they get out of jail, all hell will break loose.

I hadn't voted on a winning side since Clinton in '96.

they would have chosen the plastic glasses, nose and moustache combo.

Blogger yournamehere said...

feel free to use my blog to promote yours any damn time. That's what I'm here for.

"If it wasn't for that horse, I wouldn't have spent that year in college."

someone may eventually get shot over this, but it hasn't happened yet.

I was in a Home Depot for ten hours once during a reset, but I left for meals and breaks.

I haven't read that particular blog, but it was damn sweet of you to say "...with the exception of your blog, of course." That made me smile inside.

but I would then be writing this blog FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE. They would have killed me, is what I'm sayin'.

nice looking ladies are the only people who get any sort of customer service at Home Depot.

This is the only Home Depot in town that's clean. It's the "district store" meaning all of the big wigs have their offices there, so they keep it tidy.

I have to "spy" on the stores and take pictures of lumber with my PDA to prove that they keep it well-stocked. I've taken more pictures of wood than Robert Mapplethorpe.

"I'm totally aroused knowing that my arousal arouses you. Jesus, this is starting to sound like an Abbot and Costello routine."

..."A Little To The Left" is on second, "I'm Almost There" is on third...

Blogger Princess LadyBug said...

Would it be too forward of me to offer to remove those splinters? :P

Blogger FRITZ said...

Maybe both assailants will lay pipe at the federal pen.

Har har har.

Blogger mk99 said...

Thank them, no thank you...for making me feel so much better about myself.

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