Tuesday, February 21, 2006
I've Wanted to Settle Down
I went out on Saturday night and spent most of Sunday recovering from a hangover that I'm sure was the result not of drinking too much but from a purposeful poisoning which my body survived Rasputin-style. I think I was slipped some of the drain cleaner that killed Heather Chandler.

We saw a friend of ours do stand-up comedy and then went to Margaritaville, where an incredibly short girl "freaked" me (I'm sure "freaked" is an outdated term, but I don't know the latest word for when someone grinds into your crotch uninvited; I'm old, help me out here). She was so short she was grinding me with her face. I finally had to tell her, "That's enough honey, unless you want your eye poked out." The band was horrible but apparently knew who to blow to get a Saturday night gig on the Las Vegas Strip. I guess middle-aged white guys in bands think it's okay to rap Eminem songs since he's white too, but it doesn't look or sound any less pathetic. Really, just stop it. And the next time I hear any band butcher "Hey Ya" that fucking brutally I'm rushing the stage with a blunt instrument. The ladies in the crowd did, however, shake it like a Polaroid picture like it was still 2oo4.

I had a good time, really I did, but it's times like this I wish I would have found my special woman-friend a long time ago. A couple of my posts last week were crass even by my low standards; but I certainly didn't write about the stripper/blowjob incident to brag. If anything, it was a sad commentary on the lives of myself and the girl involved. I wish I had been married or cohabitating during the summer of 2002, but I wasn't and I played the cards I was dealt. Also, I have to admit I thought it was funny because that sort of thing NEVER happens to me.

All of the drunken memories I have I'd have given up for real happiness. I didn't have it then, I don't have it now, and maybe it will elude me forever. In that case, is the white guy wearing the sans-a-belt slacks really rapping "Baby Got Back"? I'm late for the dance floor.


42 Comments:

Blogger Knitty Kitty said...

Sometimes I wish I could write like you and get away with it.
I was going to do a whole post on watching "ice-fucking" last night on the olympic coverage and all the crass things that went through my head while watching it.

Didn't have the ovaries for it though.
I'm sure you have wanted to settle down, but in the meantime you did live it up a little here and there!

Blogger Nick said...

This guy I work with makes fun of me because his paraplegic friend has a girlfriend and I don't.

Blogger Egan said...

Belbin is hot.

Todd, that is definitely an advantage to being married. I don't miss the dating scene at all. It was dreadful to go out there night after night feel all self-conscious and shit. Breakdancing turned things around for me though.

Blogger Cherry! said...

I feel you pain. But after reading Egan's comment, I'm off to buy a hot sweat suit like Pants and see if I can't breakdance my way out of this romantically challenged, eternally single rut I'm in. See you on the dance floor!

Blogger katarina said...

There are times that I wish I had someone to come home to. But there are also times that I'm glad I'm alone. I'm sure married people feel that way too.

Did she "Drop it like it's hot, drop it like it's hot, drop it like it's hot."

Egan, are you bragging?

Blogger tlsd said...

Todd... it's rather imaginatively called "grinding" in the UK and is usually practiced by drunken men/women who are incapable of holding themselves up on the dance floor… it's not pleasant... yuck... I hope you showered afterwards.

If everyone did the same things in life, wouldn’t the predictability and uniformity be somewhat tiresome?

Blogger SalamiSalome said...

Fuck me gently with a chainsaw. A Heather Chandler reference? I'll definitely keep reading.

Blogger Übermilf said...

Todd, being single is better than being married to the wrong person.

So... you're only temporarily miserable, not permanently miserable. See? I helped.

Also, I have ovaries. I'm gonna kick some ass.

Blogger da buttah said...

awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww toddy *big hug and kiss*...believe it or not, you're still young...no depressing talk of not having a lady friend! there's still time!

(all hypocritical views expressed by me in this comment are totally legit seeing as i live by the "do as i say" not "weep over the shit i weep over" credo!)

Blogger Karen said...

Henderson, you'll find that special someone someday, when you least expect it. Don't give up hope, and don't stop going out! Ya never know where she is or who she is! Good luck!

V~V

Blogger miss kendra said...

ubie is right.

that said, have you tried internet dating? the internet is your friend. (i met my Boy there.)

Blogger afromabq said...

I knew you were all bark. Your tender side is showing, careful!

Blogger Gwen said...

Being married can suck just as bad. Even if you love the person you're with, it's daunting to realize that you're supposed to be with them FOREVER.

You have to try to be as happy as you can on your own, so that any potential mates will be gravy. Have you considered taking up crocheting, Todd? Crocheting can be fun. Or you could form an addiction to an online video game, and maybe even meet a nice elf or troll girl there.

Blogger Egan said...

Katarina, nope... I am not bragging. I just happened to get really lucky. My wife totally rocks.

Marriage is a wonderful thing, provided you find the right partner. I think some rush into it too quickly. Of course there are rough times, but nothing in life is easy.

And yes, the grass is always greener. I'm happy to be married, but there are certain aspects of singlehood that I miss. Meeting new people for instance, now I just use Todd's blog to meet new people. Thanks Todd.

Blogger your anti-hero said...

Happiness can be fleeting. Maybe VegASS is the problem. Move to some podunk town where you'r a big fish in a small pond.

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

After some of the trouble my friends have experienced with marriage recently I'm glad to be single.

Blogger Trix said...

Todd, we all want that. You'll find it...when you're least expecting it. And if not, there's always Egan!

Blogger Egan said...

Well said Trix.

Blogger JJ said...

Dude, you sound totally bummed. How about a brew... I mean trip to church?

Blogger Tumbleweed said...

We are in the same boat....let's drink beer and fish, that will make everything better!

Blogger little ol' me? said...

Don't be so down Todd......you will find your love when you least expect it......trust me.

I love being married and find comfort that I don't have to deal with the single scene. However, there are moments that I would like to strangle my boy.....but then I have another shot of Tequila and the feeling passes.

You are NOT pathetic!

Blogger Shelly said...

I second and third everything everyone else said. : ) You sound like an awesome guy, Todd. I'm sure that there's someone special out there for you. Just keep trying and don't give up hope. Like someone else said, it will happen when you least expect it.

Blogger yournamehere said...

knitty,
sadly, I really haven't lived it up that much. I'm not one of those guys who never got married because he was getting so much as a single.

nick,
I think we need to focus more on the saintly nature of that guy's girlfriend than your lack of a partner.

egan,
if only I could breakdance as well as you and Pants.

cherry,
dance with me and shield me from the midget grinders.

kat,
why do you tease me with these incredibly cute profile pics? I want to have a doomed-before-it-starts long distance relationship with Kat, everyone, but she keeps rejecting me.

tlsd,
I appreciate your opinion, but when I'm sitting alone watching myself get older I don't feel like much of a rebel for being different.

salamisalome,
Heathers is one of the funniest movies ever.

ubie,
your comments always help, but I've been temporarily miserable my entire life.

Blogger yournamehere said...

buttah,
you're a fellow hypocrite, and I love you for it.

vv,
I'll go out as long as they still serve booze.

kendra,
my last two heart-wretching, soul-draining dates have been via the internet. I've resorted to pimping myself on my blog, but sooner or later they'll have to meet me, and then I'm doomed.

afromabq,
my tender side is losing the battle.

gwen,
yeah, the problem is I'm not exactly thrilled by any aspect of my life.

egan,
your blog is the hotspot, my friend. Don't you get about eighty comments per post?

your a-h,
Louisville is the smallest town I will ever live in, and there's over a million people in the metro area. Podunk gets on my nerves.

I'm drunk, but let's settle down. And I'd say the same even if I wasn't.

Blogger yournamehere said...

pants,
I would accept being a more successful single.

trix,
the first part of your comment was very supportive.

egan,
don't encourage her.

jj,
a good brewpub could easily become my church.

tumbleweed,
If by "fish" you mean "fool around" I'm all for it.

little ol' me,
you're married? My valentine was a married woman? Cool. I'm off to buy a scarlet "A".

shelly,
I never expect it anymore.

Blogger yournamehere said...

andi,
I have this in writing now. With witnesses. Do you want to move to Vegas or should I come to you?

Blogger little ol' me? said...

I'm sorry.....I didn't mean to mislead you. I truly love your blog and your exploits. If we had only met.................but maybe we did and I didn't realize what a catch I had!

Come to me. Until I get my Master's at least.

But there are more drinks in Vegas.

Let me think about it.

Blogger katarina said...

If you were my next door neighbor, I would knock on your window every night and you could give me a Todd-shot.

You make my little heart go pitter-patter.

I'll send you a picture of my tittie. That'll make things better.

Blogger Egan said...

Todd, half those comments are from Pants' alternate ego... someone she calls Thérèse. So you take those away and you take away my comments and you have single digits.

Give a shout out to Boardgrrrl for me. Ya know.

Blogger Blonde said...

Was it Brigget the Midget the porn star? Last time I was in Vegas, I saw her at the Palms. I approached her to let her know that I am a fan, and she was a rude cunt.

If it was her, I hope that you poked her eye out with your hardness.

I posted a comment on my blog after a month away...I miss all you guys!

Blogger MoDigli said...

Awww, Todd. Only you can get away with a post that starts out about a girl freak grinding with her face, and ends with a heartfelt admission.

I hope you find your special lady-friend sooner than later. You deserve it! And whoever she is, she deserves it too! I'm sure she's waiting and wondering where you are as well.

Blogger Jo said...

I can't imagine why you think you need validation from me when you've got these absolute HOARDS of commenters, but here I am anyhow! I've missed you while I've been busy these last few days (weeks? months?? I don't even know anymore!) Anyhow, you're loved and adored... does that make you feel better?

Blogger yournamehere said...

andi,
I know you're kidding, but I'm happy anyway. And if you're not kidding, I'll live anywhere.

kat,
is the house next door to you for sale?

Shit, did I just tell two people I've never met that I'd relocate to be with them? I really need to get a life.

egan,
Therese is Pants? Really? Or this another deception?

blonde,
I exaggerated her smallness for comedic effect, but she was a very short Latina. She was cute, but I don't think she spoke English. Grinding into a stranger's crotch IS the universal language, though.

mo,
I wish I had your optimism.

jo,
welcome back. Too busy to comment on my blog? Perish the thought. Your compliments are like crack to me.

Blogger Egan said...

What would you think Todd? Yes, it's another deception.

Blogger Princess LadyBug said...

I was going to comment that the more I read your blog the sweeter I think you are.

Now I think I'll just pout because you haven't offered to relocate for me. Is it me you don't like or just Texas?! :P

Todd, I just know the right woman for you is out there somewhere. Or maybe even in here (blogdom) somewhere. Don't give up. My Grammy always said, "You won't find love, Angel Baby. It will find you. And when you least expect it."

I truly believe that. Just be patient and it will find you.

Blogger tlsd said...

Todd... you may well know the lady for you already... but you just haven't met her yet...

... don't suppose you'd fancy relocating to the uk?

;0p

*smirk*
(I sent that in an English accent btw)

Blogger katarina said...

I can make it available.
I'll pull a Brady Kids on them and scare tehm away.

Blogger Tumbleweed said...

You so get me!

Blogger joanne said...

Now I know why you get 41 comments when I average about 5. I am boring as hell compared to you.

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