Saturday, February 11, 2006
Part Two: The Abc's of vegASS
Remember yesterday's post? This would be the second part.

N is for "narcolepsy"..Dating a narcoleptic saves you a ton of money on alcohol and roofies.

O is for "orifice".."I'd like to probe your womanly orifice" is a bad opening line. Trust me on this one.

P is for "pussy"..A guy walks up to a girl at a nightclub and says, "I'd like a little pussy."
The woman replies, "So would I. Mine's as big as a house."

Q is for "Quentin"..Tarrantino, that is. Watch both Kill Bill movies when someone's done ya wrong.

R is for "recreational lesbianism"..It's still the new straight; and it just may be man's best friend.

S is for "sarcasm"..Brooke says, "I shall not rest until I read part two of this outstanding piece of literature."

T is for "toilet"..How come everytime I try to take a piss at a public restroom the urinal is always wearing piss-soaked pubes as its own fur? How violently are these fuckers shaking off when they're done to coat the toilet in curlies? I hardly ever find strays at home.

U is for "ugly"..But I have a great personality. Okay, "great" is stretching it a bit.

V is for "visitor"..Over three years and I still don't feel like I belong in this town.

W is for "winter"..It was seventy-five degrees here today. It gets a bit chilly at night, though.
X is for "x-rated"..I don't watch a lot of porn because I don't like it when the guy jizzes in the woman's face. It disgusts me. When he wipes it off in her hair, though...that's hilarious.

Y is for "Yucca Mountain"..It's in Nevada and the feds want to store nuclear waste there. Yeah, I can't see anything bad happening. Stellar idea.

Z is for "Zed".."Zed's dead, baby. Zed's dead."

Oh yeah...
The Forgotten Celebrity of the Week:
This week it's celebrities, '80s glam-rock also-rans Enuff ZNuff.


Blogger SRB said...

You are hysterical. I now know this as a result of Eek! and Monkey in a Suit. I am now on board with using cunt as an adjective as well. Thanks for inspiring my further downward spiral into crass-dom.

Blogger Karen said...

Yeah, we have it tough here in winter, huh. ;)

great list, btw. Actually had me laughing out loud a couple of times!


Blogger tlsd said...

... you yanks get sarcasm?!?!!

Blogger Egan said...

This is a wonderful post.


Blogger Anna said...

Zed's dead?!? Holy shit, what happened? How's enn, is enn okay?

Blogger Brookelina said...

Zed's dead baby. Zed's dead. Awesome. I used to quote that all the time.

And I do so love being mentioned in posts. Especially when I am sandwiched between recreational lesbianism and pubic hair. I feel pretty!

Blogger Monalicious said...

This will make a stellar children's book.

Blogger Rachel said...

I'm so jealous Brooke, I never get mentioned in posts.

Blogger Blonde said...

Am I a recreational lesbian? Ha! Just kidding.

Enuff Znuff's guitar player had sex with Madonna in the 8-0's. He did her in a bathroom and peed IN HER when he was done. He spoke about this openly on the Howard Stern show.

Blogger yournamehere said...

I'm going to write a book about how I managed, through lack of ambition, to drag myself down to lower-middle class. It's an inspiring story. Welcome to my blog; anyone from Louisville, especially a friend of Eek!, is a friend of mine.

we make up for it with the horrible summers, though.


well, like it or not, it'll have to do.

enn is resting comfortably.

"I used to quote that all the time." You know, when it was cool and not hopelessly outdated. Ha.
And Brooke, I would love to sandwich you between recreational lesbianism and pubic hair.

will you appear on the cover? In that red dress? That would be sweet.

be careful what you wish for.

that's one of the most disturbing stories ever recanted on this blog, and that's saying a lot; kind of like being the ugliest guy in the Black Crowes.

Blogger Shannon said...

Speaking of Toilets coated with piss soaked pubic hair...throughout college, I'd noticed this phenomenon when I'd visit numerous apartments inhabited by men only. There'd be public hair EVERYWHERE. What the fuck do they do?? How does it get behind the toilet? Never in my life have I coated a bathroom in pubic hair- I just don't shed like that. I've always, always wondered how and why...and why doesn't it fucking disgust them like it did me?

Thanks for the opportunity to rant!

Blogger Claudia said...

P is for pee my pants regarding pussy and pubes!!

I have never been so offeded and amused at the same time.

You can't keep taking me on an emotional rollercoaster like this, Todd.

Blogger Secret said...

Loved the alphabet! Now I gotta chance my profile pic! I never noticed that before. BTW, I was playing with one of the kids when it was taken but it DOES look like that! UGH!!!!!

Blogger afromabq said...

I've read all of them, and you had me at "B". You manwhore you!

Blogger Sindy said...

wad of dick.

Blogger Egan said...

Todd, I did love the list. I'm trying not to get anyone angry though this weekend. I will be on Monday. Brooke is cool. Hey Rachel, I think I may have mentioned you in a post of mine.

Blogger tlsd said...


That's it man, the next time I'm out there or you roll into town to see Bauhaus (yeah, I read your archives), we're hanging out.

M is for at least one monkey (potentially more) adores you!

Blogger Egan said...

tlsd - I'm smirking right back at you, if that was intended for me. If it wasn't, then I offer you a hug instead.

Blogger Monkey said...

"M" is for another Monkey who loves you.

I never really knew my ABCs until I read these two posts. I feel like a whole new world of reading is opening up for me.

Blogger katarina said...

I always turn my head during the cum scenes. I can't stand to watch that.

I've been at my job for over 9 years and I still feel like the new girl.

Blogger The real me said...

Brooke needs all the attention she can get, poor thing...

Todd, the toilet stuff is just fucking gross!

Blogger yournamehere said...

feel free to rant here anytime.

the fact that you're so all-around amazing and so far away takes me on an emotional rollercoaster; as does the fact that even if you lived next door I wouldn't stand a chance.

I thought you were taking a squat.

flattery will get you everywhere with me.

you tease me with your snerking.

did you really mention her? Link to it.

even your smirk turns me on.

we'll hang out, but I'm staying sober lest I behave inappropriately.

I thought you were going to go the weekend without getting anyone angry.

you adore me too? I'm up to my crotch in hot monkey love over here.

you have even less self confidence than I do. Maybe that's why I like you so much.

watch out, Brooke will use her legion of devoted fans to destroy you if you piss her off.

Blogger tango jellybean said...

Enuff Z' Nuff. Jesus Christ on a popsicle stick--I didn't realize you were one of the big hair faithful.

Blogger Egan said...

Todd, that was a genuine peace offering. Damn this internet and damn me.

Blogger tlsd said...

Egan... your unnatural eagerness to please is unnerving.
Todd... *smirk*

Blogger Cherry! said...

I heart you 'mynamehere'! Too funny! i like that someone has more of a bitter view on life than I do. (maybe we're on par.... not sure........but oh so possible.....)xxx

Ahh, it's good to be home and reading your blog Todd. Nowhere else can I read about cum in the hair and find it hilllarious.

Blogger Ćœbermilf said...

Todd is delicious.

He's good with crackers and a dry red wine.

Blogger yournamehere said...

I'm not, dammit. That picture is priceless, though. I want to slap "Chip" in the face. Really, what kind of rock-n-roll name is Chip?

it's all right.

egan realizes that I'm especially sensitive to bloggers attacking other bloggers in my comments, that's all.
And your smirks are like Spanish Fly to me.

it's cool that you live in Italy. If I lived in Italy I'd weigh five hundred pounds and urinate Chianti.

Blogger yournamehere said...

it's like the scene in "There's Something About Mary" in convenient blog form.

no one has ever called me "cheesy" with more style and wit.

Blogger Kris said...

Oh I see. There's Brooke's name again! COULD I JUST GET INTO ONE OF THESE DAMN POSTS? Even Orifice will do.

Then again, maybe I should reconsider that request.

Blogger wmy said...

haaaaaaaaaa,,,and haaaaaarrrdddyyyy
haaarrrrr haarrrrrr!!!!!!
Your still my God...always will be!! Missed your fuckin ass okay??

Blogger Egan said...

Todd, I love you!

Blogger yournamehere said...

I'm actually quite envious of your talent and ability to be hilarious without being filthy. Plus I love a woman who gets drunk on occasion.

I'm your God? I demand a sacrifice!!!

you tease.

Blogger Cincysundevil said...

X-rated is very funny. Especially when he wipes it off in her hair ... I nearly shit myself when I read that after having some Starbucks which leaves one with those lovely stomach gurgles.

Blogger Cherry! said...

I'm on the verge of weigh in around that (health regime commencing today) and I'm throwing in the towel as far as the Chianti concerned...well for a bit anyway.....

Blogger Tumbleweed said...

Great alphabet! Maybe you could publish that for illiterate adults. They need some kind of motivation to read. I do have to add that I am thankful you don't like watching jizz on the face. I'm pretty picky about that! You can yank my hair, but if you clean anything up with it, you will get slapped...with your own Peter!

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