Friday, February 10, 2006
The Abc's of vegASS (Part One)
I know what you're thinking: "There has to be more to this blog than the quasi-sane ramblings of a lonely, bitter, overweight, transplanted lower midwest/upper southerner." No, that's about it, cats and kittens. I will, however, give you an A to Z glossary of words that mean a lot in the world of vegASS. I'll break it up into two parts, as you and I both have short attention spans.

A is for "asinine".. I love this word. It so perfectly describes just about every person I've ever come into contact with since I started remembering things.

B is for "bootylicious"..'Cause I'll always make passes at girls with big asses.

C is for "cunt"..Didn't see this one coming, did you?

D is for "dickwad"..Webster's Dictionary defines "dickwad" as That which possesses the characteristics of a wad of dick. So true. So true.

E is for "empty"..My life, my soul, her promises...

F is for "Federline"..The new gold standard for douchebags; he is to white trash what Frank Sinatra was to crooners.

G is for "gawd-awful"..Yeah, I watched the Grammys last night. It was so boring it didn't even inspire an "I watch it so you don't have to" post.

H is for "hubris"..This goes out to me for thinking anyone really gives a fuck about the Abc's of this insignificant blog.

I is for "I Met Pants"..My much-anticipated forthcoming blog, dedicated to the glorious evening when I met noted blog celebrity and all-around fine slice of femalehood Melliferous Pants. Funny, Egan's name never came up. Not even in passing.

J is for "Jessica"..Alba, that is.

K is for "kiss the fattest part of my ass"..That'll learn ya.

L is for "left of center"..I don't have a bumper sticker depicting President Bush in a circle jerk with John Wayne, Abe Lincoln, and Jesus.

M is for "man-whore"..A status to which I've always aspired but will never attain.

I'll post the rest some other time.


33 Comments:

Blogger Cincysundevil said...

I, too, aspire to be a man-whore. Or a He-Bitch. Or a Mangina. Hopefully I'll score as many pieces of ass as Duece Bigalow ... only with some real talent of some sort!

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

I can't wait for Egan to see this.

Blogger Egan said...

Oh I see it alright. Now I see why you never gave me your address Todd. It's all so clear. Do I really make it that obvious that Pants is on my blogger hot list? Am I jealous you have met her, yes. And I just found your address Todd, yes! It's really hard for me to hide my true love, or dislike, for someone or something.

Todd, is that two Egan Shout Outs this week?

Blogger Cherry! said...

I love the word asinine! That will definitely come in handy!

Blogger tlsd said...

I loved it when you bitch-slapped Egan then... oooo did it smart?

Todd you can be my "man-whore" anyday...

ps: my promises are never empty... and that's a promise

Blogger Brookelina said...

I will not rest until I read part two of this outstanding piece of literature. Or until I meet Pants. Whichever comes first.

Blogger Secret said...

I shall await with baited breathe!

Blogger The real me said...

Todd, why do you feed his need?
Egan, I mean... he's stalking people everywhere!

I say this knowing that I will withstand an angry email from the boy, but I feel it had to be said.

BTW, the other Todd, Moviequill Todd has some interesting little insider info about your precious starlett, Scarlett. Go see. (his link is on my blog if you need it)

Blogger SalamiSalome said...

Are you sure you want the manwhoredom? It comes with a lot of burning, itching, and scratching of inappropriate bits...

Blogger MollyNormal said...

I liked the list - but M should stand for MollyNormal, with whom you have hot, steaming phone and cybersex on a weekly basis. Where is the love????

Blogger Trix said...

Once again, Todd, you had me at "cunt."

XOXO

Blogger Egan said...

And E should be for "Egan", your first true gay lover in Seattle.

Blogger Claudia said...

oooooh. SNAP!

Egan is getting personal!

Blogger Tumbleweed said...

You met pants? So jealous I am! I want to meet you both and Egan too. Can't wait for the rest of the alphabet. I have not felt very smarmy lately, so my comments are just pleasant and not at all entertaining. Sorry!

Blogger The real me said...

Egan, you're admitting to that?!

Blogger The real me said...

Not that there's anything wrong with it....

Blogger Egan said...

Yes, I am so gay for Todd. I knew he would reciprocate. It's why he has a fondness for my fair city.

Claudia, je kidde.

Blogger tlsd said...

Egan... it really got to you that todd didn't list you at E didn't it? oooo rattle out of pram

Todd, Egan feels regected...

Blogger Anna said...

I'll go warsh my hair while I wait for enn thru zed.

Blogger Slutbag said...

i love lists...especially when they say the word cunt

Blogger AWE said...

F should have been for Fucktart. Every now and then a Fucktart pops up.

Blogger Kris said...

Mmmmm. J.

I can't believe you met Pants.

Blogger Egan said...

Yep, regected is accurate.

Blogger da buttah said...

now what is the fattest part of your ass?

show me, and i'll pucker up

Blogger yournamehere said...

cincy,
the fact that you are literate makes you more talented than Rob Schneider.

pants,
he saw it, all right.

egan,
were you drunk when you wrote this comment?

cherry,
I like that someone named cherry reads my blog.

tlsd,
I didn't "bitch slap" anyone, but I really want to be your man-whore.

brooke,
you just made the list for part two.

teri,
are you on the toilet in your profile pic?

salamisalome,
I would be a selective man-whore.

molly,
yes, without you I would have even less of a sex life. I'll call you tonight.

Blogger yournamehere said...

trix,
I'm going to send you a cuntogram for Valentine's Day.

egan,
as opposed to all of the false gay lovers I've had in Seattle.

claudia,
see Egan, you've upset Claudia. She Canadian. And hot. I'll get over this vicious attack, Claudia.

tumbleweed,
don't apologise. This post could use some pleasant comments.

real,
yes, there would be something wrong with it: I would be getting raped.

egan,
does your wife know you're gay for me?

tlsd,
I didn't mention any bloggers except for pants, whom I've met.

anna,
zed's dead, baby. Zed's dead.

slutbag,
if you like lists that contain the word "cunt", there will be more of them.

awe,
not for me they don't. Damn it.

kris,
that's right, you dig the Alba. And yes, I had to schedule through her publicist and wait in a receiving line, but I did indeed meet Pants.

egan,
the thing is, she's from the UK, so is that even a typo?

da buttah,
you make me swoon. Seriously.

Blogger Egan said...

Typo, what typo. I have nothing but love for Claudia. I declare war on all your other commenters though.. that includes Pants.


- heavy sarcasm in use

Blogger The real me said...

Je kidde.... I'll have to look that up in my French dictionary to make sure that's actually a properly conjugated verb...

Nope. Retournes à l'école Egan.

Blogger tlsd said...

Crikey!!! Bugger off... you're such a smart arse... stop banging on about it. In my defence I was rushing out to a party, ok, it was a cock-up... I thought about deleting comment... but that would have just been piss-poor...

Fucking septic tanks they can be such berk's...

PS:
septic tank = yank
berk from: berkshire hunt = cunt

Blogger Blonde said...

I sit here and stew over the fact that you are with another female blogger :(.

I love that you use the word cunt so freely...it is liberating!

Blogger yournamehere said...

egan,
declare war on pants? We always hurt the ones we love, huh?

real,
the fact that you own a French dictionary makes me angry.

tlsd,
"Crikey"? I thought only the Crocodile Hunter said that. Do you have some Australian in you? Would you like some American in you?

blonde,
how am I "with" another female blogger? Please tell that to my lonely penis. And if you mean "with" as in "think about them when I rub one out", then I've been "with" you before, babe.

Blogger tlsd said...

... "crikey" spoken with the correct Queens English, is very much a british thing as opposed to the exagerated Australian drawl... I'll say it for you when your putting some American in me...

Ahem...

Blogger The real me said...

Not only do I own a French dictionary, I don't even have to use it... bilingualism is my middle name.

Well, not really, it's Ann.

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