Why do I go out in public? Nothing good ever comes of it. I'm never showered with riches or attacked by young women like a guy in an Axe commercial; I'm just, time after time, the witness to life's little curiosities and/or atrocities.
Thursday, for example, I saw a grown man wearing Daisy Duke cut-off shorts. These shorts ended right at scrote level, where a decent guy's shorts would begin. He had his son with him, who thank god was wearing jeans, and his ass cheeks were prepared to bust them some seams.
I slowed the pace of my walking so I wouldn't be killed by a wayward button in case his jeans exploded from the pressure, when it happened. His kid dropped something, and instead of just bending over and picking it up, he did a half turn. That's when I got a brief but harrowing look at "man-el toe". Man-el toe occurs when a man wears pants so tight they flatten and divide his junk until it looks like he has an especially puffy vagina. I immediately threw my glasses to the ground and stomped on them, then I poked out my eyes with a heroin needle I took off the grave of Layne Staley.
I should be as good as new in no time.
Thursday, for example, I saw a grown man wearing Daisy Duke cut-off shorts. These shorts ended right at scrote level, where a decent guy's shorts would begin. He had his son with him, who thank god was wearing jeans, and his ass cheeks were prepared to bust them some seams.
I slowed the pace of my walking so I wouldn't be killed by a wayward button in case his jeans exploded from the pressure, when it happened. His kid dropped something, and instead of just bending over and picking it up, he did a half turn. That's when I got a brief but harrowing look at "man-el toe". Man-el toe occurs when a man wears pants so tight they flatten and divide his junk until it looks like he has an especially puffy vagina. I immediately threw my glasses to the ground and stomped on them, then I poked out my eyes with a heroin needle I took off the grave of Layne Staley.
I should be as good as new in no time.
30 Comments:
I'm worried about you, Viva.
I think God is dead if he is allowing Man-el Toe to go on. Why couldn't a bolt of lightning strike this heathen where he walked?
Divert! Divert! There are just some things that you must immediatley learn to divert your eyes from. Man-el toe and Bea Arthur-elastic-waistband-polyester-camel-toe pants top the list. Divert, man, Divert!
That sounds almost as bad as Anne Coulter.
Is that a technical term?
Lovin' you!
I suddenly feel nauseous...
...you can so kiss goodbye to that job as a Las Vagas Tourist Guide...
I thank god its trying to snow here and I shall be saved from the potential horrors of witnessing the Man-el Toe and exposed scrotum... *shudder*
Todd, admit it... you got the "poke my eyes out" line from my comment, didn't you?
Mmmm...man-el toe...
I think that made me throw up a little in my mouth :-p
They had mullets didn't they?
How long is recovery from poking your eye out? :)
That's just funny! Not the part where you hurt yourself, of course.
That sounds delightful and hot.*
*And by delightful I mean the indescribable feeling I get when I sometimes think of Roseanne Bar in the tub and by hot I mean not hot.
at least it wasn't Manilow-Toe.
i'm with nick.
I'm not a guy but I'm thinking....OW! Wouldn't that hurt to squish your beans and frank like that?
I'm thinking he had a mullet and was wearing a '80's hairband t-shirt.
I'm also thinking...OW! Wouldn't that hurt to squish the frank and beans like that?
That sounds hot. Hot I tell you!
So was he hung?
Sorry for the double post...technical difficulties...
LMFAO, TUMBLEWEED!
cheska,
'tussin is a cure-all. Hey, do you have a blog? Your profile leads to nowhere?
pants,
send a care package then.
lushy,
I should have just turned around until they were out of my line of sight. I took my chances, and I paid dearly.
itstjoint,
if the man-el toe would have said something incredibly stupid, it would have been Ann Coulter.
rachel,
if not, it should be. Lovin' you back, sweetie.
tlsd,
I'm sure when this guy sat down, his grapes made an unsolicited appearance.
teri,
one person's laugh is another person's horrifying nightmare.
real,
no, I really did stick a used syringe in my eyes. Ouch. I don't recommend it.
brian,
you should have seen it.
awe,
the guy had a Joey Butafuco.
afromabq,
a week to ten days.
cincy,
oops. I just think God has a truly sick sense of humor.
tumbleweed,
thanks for not laughing at my pain. And I'm sorry you have to put up with this all the time.
trix,
if this guy wasn't straight, he was the least fashionable homosexual on earth.
claudia,
why do you sometimes think of Roseanne Barr in the tub?
anti,
he was cool, but when he died he weighed seventy pounds and had no teeth. Way to go, heroin.
nick,
that's fucking hilarious. Does the Manilow-toe know the words to "Mandy"?
kendra,
congrats. The two of you make a lovely couple.
little,
it would hurt like hell unless you wore them every day and were numb.
brooke,
oh, you would have been on that like R. Kelly at a slumber party.
tumbleweed,
I really don't know.
little,
post all you want. I loves me some comments.
claudia,
we all want you to be happy.
I'm surprised his tads had the flagellation speed necessary to produce his crotchspawn given this man-toe abuse.
These people are making shorts make love. Don't you see? Oh it's beautiful.
monkey mc,
he literally puts those things through the wringer.
owl,
that's one way to look at it.
megan,
he mentioned a girl named megan who wears large sunglasses and a light blue hoodie. He said he wants to shag her.
What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas ... maybe those guys picked up the wrong suitcase at the airport and decided to wear the clothes anyway?
bill,
Hey, Jesus of all people should know if He comes down to Earth he'd better be prepared to throw hands.
Ubie,
sadly, I think they were locals.
cheska,
Hell, I'll escort you to strip clubs if you'd like.
cheska,
I have a feeling if you saw me you'd run the other way, but let me know if you want to have a drink when you're in town.
there is another term for that... MOOSE KNUCKLE.
"Man-el Toe"
I just wanted you to know that I wanted to comment on this the other day, when my computer burped and dumped me offline.
I comment now just to say, this was simultaneously within the range of genius and irrefutabley repulsive.
I doff my hat to you sir.
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