Thursday, January 26, 2006
Please Participate in My Stolen Crap
This fun game and/or activity has been going around the blogworld for awhile now. It is only today that I am bereft of ideas enough to actually feature it here. The latest person to do this can be found at http://anonymousmidwestgirl.blogspot.com/. There are many, many others who I'm stealing this from. If you are one of them, get the fuck over it, please. Here's how it works: Post a comment with a COMPLETELY MADE UP AND FICTIONAL memory of you and me. It can be anything you want -good or bad- BUT IT HAS TO BE FAKE. You've got free reign. Start your sentence "Remember when you and I..."

Even if you know me from Louisville, or Las Vegas, or met me when visiting Vegas, or kind of recall that time at the bar when I felt up your sister (the one who's a little slow, but needs lovin' just the same, thank you very much), MAKE UP SOME SHIT AND POST A COMMENT. I'm talking to you lurkers, too. All you ever do is take take take; it's about time you gave back.

Thanks in advance for playing along.


54 Comments:

Blogger Kath said...

Remeber that time...in band camp?? I asked you to go skinny dipping with me and you wanted to...I think..but were worried about getting your trumpet all wet. So you blew me off (and not in a good way either) and wound up spending the night around the campfire, listening to ghost stories that no one believed, eating smores burnt beyond recognition, and drooling over Jessica White...who had a Hispanic last name that she despised so she used White instead of her real last name.

Yeah...good old band camp.

Blogger Blonde said...

Remember that time you and I...
Did Patron body shots off of Lindsay Lohan's stomach? Oh she was loving it until Paris Hilton got jealous that you were licking Lindsay. What a cat fight ensued at Pink Taco while you and I watched.

Jessica Alba walked scared she was going to get hurt as an innocent bystander in that fight, so you held her close to you. The smell of Patron on your breath made her weak, so she dropped to her knees and started to suck your cock.

I had to leave because I was getting jealous, so I went and smoked pot with the guy in the Killers. We went skinny dipping in the Hard Rock pool, and you and Jessica joined us...

Blogger Übermilf said...

Remember that time you were in a terrible accident, and I donated most of my blood, a kidney and part of my pancreas just so you'd survive? And then, when you woke up from your coma, you thought you were a koala bear and tried to climb the nurse? But she was like 5'4" so you completely flattened her? And then you cried and ate orange jello?

That was cool.

Blogger God said...

Remember when you and I found that crackpipe in the bathroom at Von's? Remember how it led us to those hot prep boy, I think they were 15, that really wanted suck us off? We should meet in the back alley of that church this Sunday and commit some more atrocities in the name of God.... er me. Don't forgot my teachings!

Blogger Susann said...

Remember that time you and I....
Yea, I don't either.
That's what makes this story fun.

Blogger Todd said...

Remember that time you and I....
were doing coke with those asian strippers. I told you that those girls would never understand the "safe" word, but you made such a big deal about the whole thing that neither of us noticed that Ling Ling, or "Heather", had died. I thought burying a stripper in the desert would be fun, but quite frankly, it killed my buzz. The next time, we're doing Italian.

Blogger Claudia said...

Remember that time you and I went to that bar and you threw up off of tequila then that midget called you a pussy and challenged us to a dance off to 20 Fingers' "Don't want no short, short man"?

They really showed us, those limber little people.

Blogger Jo said...

Remember that time? In fourth grade? When you SO DESPERATELY wanted to join Girl Scouts and I said you couldn't cuz you weren't a girl but then you showed me how you could tuck your penis up under your balls and pull it all back so that you could sort of look like a girl? So I said fine, you can come to the meeting with me but you have to be good? And you wore my extra uniform but the knee highs wouldn't come up to your knees and you got SO PISSED off? Remember how you stomped around and cried real actual tears? You were so silly! But you finally got the socks looking the way you liked and we went to the meeting and my mom thought you were like the UGLIEST girl she'd ever seen, so she was super nice to you cuz she kinda felt sorry for you? And she let you have the extra brownies which pissed off all the other girls so they kicked your ass after the meeting? You were all bleeding and shit and you ruined my uniform but I didn't care so much cuz it was SO funny to see you all curled up into a ball and screaming cuz the girls were kicking you. Ahhhh... good times.

Blogger WunEyedDog said...

Remember that time that you and I were rolling joints while rocketing down the freeway in that POS old Nova. Then that fucking deer jumped out in the road in front of us and I totally freaked out and ran off the road. We were stuck in the middle of nowhere with a fucked up car, so we just cracked open the bottles of bourbon and got drunk and stoned off our asses. I still can't believe that old fucking man actually picked our trashed asses up. Then I puked in his car. Good stuff.

Blogger The Funky Bee said...

Remember that time that you and I went to Starbucks and we got some mocha, frappy, latte, frothy, whipped up drinks? We were so happy and giddy after paying six bucks a pop for our coffee's. We got in the car and you put your coffee in between your legs and clicked your seatbelt in place (safety, safety, safety that's what you always say!)...

I put the car in reverse and you must not have been ready because your sweet, fluffy, scalding hot coffee went everywhere. Most importantly, into your no no spot. You screamed and cried like a little girl until I smacked you silly. I stopped the car and came around to your door, unclicked the seatbelt and pulled you out onto the pavement.

When the paramedics were done bandaging your blistering wounds (mostly on the inner thigh and the penis) I took you home - by the way, I never knew you were uncircumsized, weird. You basically spent the next few days sleeping and crying when you were awake. You threatened to sue Starbuck's until they pointed out the "contents are extremely hot, please use caution" quote clearly printed on the cup. They did very kindly give you a $100 gift card to Starbuck's and a pack of adult diapers. That was so fun, Hope we can get together again soon...Next time we'll go to Smoothie King!

Blogger Nick said...

Remember when you and I went to the circus to see that hot trapeze artist who I said was just a really effeminate guy and you were all "Shut up, dude that's totally a chick" and I was all "Why don't we bet on it." I can honestly say that neither of us won that day.

I still wake up screaming from the thought of you seducing that she-male trapeze artist. You poor poor bastard.

Blogger ginonymous said...

remember the time we ran into those angry yiddish Brits? the ones with all the asparagus? those guys have fucking issues. i mean, yeah, they invented punk rock and all (and i know what it means to you, being johnny rotten's nephew) but shit man. funny smelling pee aside, those dudes need to chill.

other than that, that week in Burbank was fucking sweeeet!

Blogger Kopaylopa said...

Remember that time that you and I were in that field and you kept insisting the aliens hadn't come and stuck anything up your ass and then this huge sattellite thing came out your butt and ..... oh wait....

Blogger katarina said...

Remember that one time we were doing it and you missed and it went into the wrong hole. We both found it more pleasureable, but it was then that you also found out that I was in all of the "Ass Invader" movies. 1 through 12.
I'm so glad you love me and my porn star ways.

Blogger IndependentGrl said...

Remember that time when you and I (verb) in a corner at the Venetian and then we (verb) because we were so (adjective) and (adjective). Then we decided to leave and head to (noun) so that we could continue (verb). Suddenly we were approached by (noun) who asked if she could join...of course we said yes and then proceeded to (verb), (verb), and (verb).

Blogger MsAPhillips said...

Remember that time you and I went to Organized Living and that jerky guy they were about to fire told everyone, "Yeah, I guess Todd was the only one who really deserved to work somewhere better" and then we went to the supermarket and the old lady ahead of us said "Oh, I'm looking for coupons and it could take me forever because I'm old, so why don't you go ahead of me?" and then we found $100 in the street and you gave it to a woman who said "You got here first, so that's your parking space"? Good times.

Blogger Cincysundevil said...

Remember that time you and I took out the Bush girls? We got 'em drunk and nekked. We did shit to them you don't do to farm animals. Then when we took them home, their old man threatened to kick our ass. It was so cool when you clocked that fool and he dropped like a sack of shit on that cheap rug in the front room. I thought it was so awesome that did tequila shots off of Laura's tits and then spit the lime in their grandmother's face ... yeah, the grandma who looks like George Washington. Those were the good ole days ......

Blogger Shelly said...

Remember that time you and I took your grandma on a field trip to the casino and she gambled away everything she had, including her dentures? Man, that was fun. Hey, is she still living in your basement?

Blogger Calzone said...

Remember when you made my cry?

I sure do you bastard

Blogger AWE said...

Remember when you and I stole that car in LA and we drove up to San Francisco. I hate that we ran out of money and you had to do the terrible things that you did so that we could eat. But it was your own fault, if you hadn't taken that old lady's purse back to her after we took it out of her buggy because she looked like your uncle George. I only got a broken leg out of the deal, but I hope that someday you can get your left nipple reattached. Thank god that she could understand you through all of that crying when you said "If my hero Ryan Seacrest was here he would save me." When he took off that wig and the tears were in his eyes I knew that he was going to go Brokeback on you. I would have never guessed that he would like your third testicle that much and I guess since you guys have that kid now you won't ever get to fulfill your dream of being a tour guide for Waffle House. But we will always have the good times to remember.

Blogger digitalcowgirl said...

Remember that time you and I went to Akiko's and I insisted you sing me a DavidBowie song? You said 'Only if I can dress like him too!' I gave you my furry, long leopard skin coat, big sunglasses, and lipstick. You painted a lightening bolt on your face, got on stage and sang your heart out. At the end of the night I wouldn't let you drive due to all the Basil Hayden, you got REALLY mad and stormed out, walking away down the middle of Bardstown Rd. I followed you in my car until you stopped. When you saw it was me you tried to karate kick the window out of the car but lost your balance and fell over into the gutter. I got out to drag you into the safety of the car as there were quite a few punk boys hanging outside of Cahoots wanting to kick your drunk, leopard skin clad ass for your poor interpretaion of Bowie. But you stopped me, turned around and serenaded the punk boys with an awesome rendition of Modern Love. You know, they still talk about you at Cahoots!

Blogger miss kendra said...

there was that one time you pulled up next to me and asked me if i needed a ride... i said sure and went to get in, but you put this rag soaked with something up to my mouth and when i woke up you had dressed me as colonel sanders and you made me dance for you to the stylings of spandeau ballet?

Blogger JJ said...

Remember that time in high school when you and I were driving around late at night drinking beer and we saw a bunch of our friends TP'ing a house so we popped that cherry on top of the car and chased them all over the neighborhood until they figured out we weren't cops and then they chased us out of the neighborhood? Let's do that again sometime.

Remember the time I walked in on you and some friends gang-banging those dwarves? I still have the tapes, and I just sold them to a distribution company. Your 15 minutes start NOW!

Blogger MsHellion said...

Remember that time you and I went to Bar Louisville and saw that chick dancing on the table who's cooter looked like a skunk eating shit out of a hairbrush through a picket fence with a sore tongue? Good times.

Actually, that might have happened...

Blogger Nick said...

Remember that time we got stoned on Bardstown road and ended up on Dixie Highway at the White Castle? You ordered way too fries cause you thought (in your stoned state) that THEY came really tiny too, like the burgers. Then you made ME pay. You owe me, dude!

Blogger Gwen said...

Remember when you and I followed the Mr. Roboto tour all summer, right before I got pregnant?

Well, the court just forced us to do a DNA test, and it turns out that Julio is Dennis DeYoung's and not yours, after all. So you don't have to pay me child support anymore.

Hope everything's going good with you. Talk to you later.

Blogger Housekeeper said...

Remember the time you asked me to accompany you to get your ass hole waxed, to be sure they did a thorough job. And in my horror at seeing you face down, naked with a spread brown eye, I was delinquent in my duties, which resulting in the estitician waxing your balls as well. Your bits ended up looking like a sphynx cat, but then the hair grew back in a pattern that resembled the Virgin Mary and all those people made a pilgrimage to see and hold your berries. Just the other day I came across a picture of a group of priest holding your divine nuts….good times.

Blogger Brookelina said...

Remember that time we got drunk and you passed out and I swore that I didn't take naked pictures of you and sell them on the internet?

I lied.

Blogger Secret said...

Remember that time when you and I....were going to run off to Vegas and get married? Why didn't we?

Blogger MollyNormal said...

Hey Todd, remember that time when you and I crossed the border into Mexico to go see that donkey-fucking show? Remember how the chick who was fucking the donkey had some kind of speech impediment and kept yelling "OH DOD! OH DOD!" And then you got all embarassed because you popped a giant boner while watching a chick get fucked by a donkey and you made me leave before the donkey shot his load. I'm still pissed I didn't get to see that.

Blogger yournamehere said...

kath,
Jessica White went on to marry George Lopez.

blonde,
Jessica Alba totally swallows.

ubie,
oh, and I suppose now you want a thank you for the blood, kidney and piece of pancreas? Is it always about you?

god,
this is very disturbing.

susann,
oh, but I remember everything, Susann. You were wonderful.

todd,
she was already dead inside.

claudia,
yeah, and then the guy tried to "go up" on you.

jo,
you must really hate me.

wun,
that old man turned out to be the ghost of a motorist who died exactly ten years prior to that night.

funky bee,
you smacking me silly almost made the whole night worth it.

Blogger yournamehere said...

nick,
but who has a lifetime pass to the circus, my friend?

gin,
Uncle Johnny is a douche.

kopaylopa,
I think you're mistaking me for Eric Cartman. I'm TALL and fat.

kat,
I remember thinking, "This feels like the bunghole of the star of all twelve 'Ass Invader' movies."
Can't wait to do it again.

indie,
I didn't mean to (verb) all over your (noun).

msaphillips,
I remember that day. That night my blog was bereft of mindless bitching for once.

cincy,
I can't believe the Bush twins did each other. Incest has never been so sexy.

shelly,
still in my basement; no longer living.

calzone,
we only hurt the ones we love.

awe,
sorry, I can't even pretend to remember a story involving Ryan Seacrest.

Blogger yournamehere said...

digitalcowgirl,
I still drink for free there, but I'm not allowed to do "China Girl".

kendra,
oh, you don't remember what happened between the rag and Spandeau Ballet? Good.

jj,
you've actually done that, haven't you?

andi,
you know you joined in. The Dwarves made you their queen.

mshellion,
that did happen, more times than I care to remember.

nick,
go to the White Castle on Dixie Highway and ask for Bubba. Tell him Todd sent ya.

gwen,
I always wondered where Julio got his lovely falsetto, and now I know. I'm doing so-so, but thanks for asking.

housekeeper,
I receive no royalties for that, either.

brooke,
I love your lies, babe.

teri,
hey, I'm here. Meet me at the Elvis Chapel.

molly,
I'm no donkey, but a load is a load.

Blogger Jo said...

Hate you? Darling, you're insane! I adore you :-)

Blogger Delal said...

Remember that time when you woke up with my thong knotted around your head? It still doesn't fit right.

Blogger Monkey! said...

remember that time you gave me a brazilian? The next day my Agnes Gooch broke out into hives I mistook for herpes. What slurry-cunted harridan did you beaver strip before me you filthy twat waxer?

Blogger joanne said...

Remember when you and I took that impulsive trip to Rio and actually DID a brazilian? Damn! Brazilians are so HOT! I miss my Brazilian :-(

Blogger Nick said...

Some dude pretending to be me? WTF?! No one's buying it, buddy!

Blogger wmy said...

Remember when you and I were at Macy's, trying on skirts together? It was right after your sex-change operation...you wanted to pick up something "frilly"...member??? Oh, those were fun times huh?

Blogger yournamehere said...

jo,
if you say so.

delal,
I wore your thong over my head as a symbol of...well, of the fact that I just got a sweet piece of ass.

monkey?,
I shouldn't have applied the wax strips with my tongue. I got a little carried away. Sorry.

joanne,
I'm glad you're back. Oh, Brazil was full of beautiful women, but none more so than you.

nick,
yeah, he needs to find a profile pic that looks more like you.

wmy,
I didn't really have a sex change. I just wanted to see you naked in the changing room.

Blogger Monalicious said...

Remember when you and I met at that bar and I accidentally let you buy me a drink so I had to sleep with you?

I don't really hold a grudge since rules are rules, but damn that drink needed to be stronger...

Blogger Spirit Of Owl said...

Remember that time that you and I bought a shared lottery ticket and it came up winning millions and you lost the fucking ticket you dumb fuck! What? I lost the ticket? :sigh: Well, it was for the best in the end. We just weren't ready to be multi-millionaires. Maybe next time, eh?

Blogger megan said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

Blogger megan said...

Remember last week when we went to that party and they all asked us to be in a case race with them? So we were on a team, and we decided to shotgun all of our beers. Needless to say.. we lost, because the rule is you have to go at least 30 minutes after your last beer without throwing up, and you went about 30 seconds (I told you not to pregame for the case race!!) Well I woke up the next morning curled up on some recliner in some random house with your boxers in my mouth, a pyramid of furniture resting on top of my body, and a rather large penis drawn on my forehead (which I didn't notice until the nice lady at McDonald's pointed it out)!! I didn't think that was funny, so I just picked up the pictures from that night, and I'm mailing them to your mommy and your granny right now... I hope they aren't too embarrassed and ashamed of you...

Blogger Mushy said...

Remember when you and I had our first date? I was new to town and you wanted to ‘impress’ me with your knowledge of the strip. It is too bad you misheard me, because what I wanted to see were the Las Vegas ‘strippers’. Anywho, you were regaling me with the history of the casinos along the strip, and in the middle of the pedestrian bridge between Bourbon Street and Bally’s we witnessed one of the most beautiful natural events to happen in Vegas: a young man puking into a garbage can. His female companion was being nice and rubbing his back while he got rid of what ailed him. You and I turned to each other then and smiled, both thinking that that was so sweet. You asked me, “Would you rub my back while I chucked into a garbage can?” I responded, “Of course, but I would rub your back no matter what receptacle you chose.”
We then decided to head to Fremont Street to see what sort of degenerates were milling about. I will never forget our dinner at Hugo’s, where the waiter brought me an extra bowl of whipped cream because I can’t get enough of it. You made a sly joke about your own cream, but I brushed it off. You were so sweet to give me $5 to play the slots at the Four Queens, which lasted for two hours! Next time, can we see the Vegas strippers?

Blogger Gnomey G said...

Remember that time you and I...
decided it was finally time to fool around together but you couldn't perform and I promised you that I wouldn't tell anyone, ever?

Blogger SalamiSalome said...

Remember that time I saw you at Walmart? You were trying to hit on the check out girl with the fake bake, and you suggested that the two of you meet up at Outback Steakhouse for dinner and a little sumpin' sumpin' later that night. She seemed so happy when you told her she looked like the white ho from Hustle and Flow. I was just disappointed I couldn't find anyone to hit on who looked like Terrence Howard.

Blogger EEK! said...

Remember when you and I starred in the Broadway revival of The Music Man? You really turned the critics' heads with your courageous portrayal of skeptical librarian Marian Paroo. Even that cunt Frank Rich had to give you respect.

I still can't hear "Wells Fargo Wagon" without thinking of you, Todd. In fact, I'm slow-clapping. Right. Now.

Blogger Monkey said...

Remember that time, you came to visit me in Lexington and we went to Keeneland? You insisted on wearing an old foreskin for a hat and people kept touching it asking you where you found that fabulous fabric for a hat? And then... we were in the winner's circle, because you thought your horse won, even though you didn't have a horse? And some addled trainer tried to put a saddle on me? And you rode me around the paddock? And they had to use a tranquilizer gun to stop us?

Good times...

Blogger your anti-hero said...

Remember that time...when I I flew down to VegASS and we couldn't get tickets to Barnum and Bailey so we decided to see the off broadway rendition of Rent performed by a midget Kiss tribute band that was done in mime?

..that's the last time I ever buy show tickets from the same guy peddling smut on the strip.

Blogger tlsd said...

Remember that time you and I... thought it would be a good idea to volunteer for medical experiments, just for the hell of it, and they messed up your drugs and you thought you where a flesh-eating 3 headed Gorgian from the planet Gorg. Then when we escaped from the lab you put your pants on your head and rode a goat naked down the street and yodelled in a strange high pitched voice. And suddenly we where both overcome with a primevel animal frenzy and ended up fucking for ages like Viagra-abusing chimps. Same time next week yeah?

Blogger yournamehere said...

monalicious,
if you ever want to do that again I promise to buy you as many strong drinks as you can handle.

owl,
yeah, I enjoy slaving away for chump change. I'm glad you lost the ticket. Ass.

megan,
okay, I shouldn't have violated you, but I was drunk, too. At least you're eighteen, so although I'll likely burn in hell, I won't be sent to prison.

mushy,
yes, we can see the strippers. Oh, and I think I love you.

gnomey,
yes. Thanks for keeping that to yourself.

salamisalome,
she was easy to impress, thank god, since I'm not very impressive.

eek,
the world loves a skeptical librarian.

monkey,
that foreskin hat was a beanie, but when you rubbed it, it turned into a sombrero.

anti-h,
and we had to sit through that four hour time share presentation to get the discount.

tlsd,
only in blogland am I offered a date to fuck like viagra-abusing chimps. I would love to go ape all over you anytime you want.

Blogger Erik Mann said...

great post, i'll come visit again soon...erik

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