Friday, January 13, 2006
Things That Have Recently Irritated the Piss Out of Me
Recently, a few things have really irritated the piss out of me. Without further adieu, here they are:

-Those shoe-skates that kids wear
"Hey, our kids aren't annoying and destructive enough on their own. Let's put them ON WHEELS."

-Big Mama's House 2
Martin Lawrence, the least funny human since Hitler died, is making a sequel to a movie no one with over seven functioning brain cells could even sit through.

-My dad
He insists on praying before every meal, even at the Cheesecake Factory. He should have prayed that he not always be a complete prick.

-Desserts on Chinese Buffets
No matter how delicious the food on a Chinese buffet, rest assured the dessert will be something like sliced bananas in a gelatinous, unsweetened slurry or spice cake with no icing.

-A new breed of cell phone douchebag
The recent proliferation of those Nextel "walkie talkie" phones means I now have to endure the grating tones of both the ass standing near me and the fuckjoint on the other line.

-This asshole who works for my company
Our company had a meeting today and this fucking asshole who thinks he's much funnier than he actually is kept harassing our poor waiter. I CUNTING HATE IT when people belittle service industry workers. This poopstain has the same monkey job I do, so he needs to stop fucking with waiters in the guise of comedy.

This guy is a picky eater to the point of being a major pain in the arse, and that's all well and good, but at one point he was so rude I wanted to attack him with my fork. He's in his forties and acts like a big baby; he only eats red meat, chicken wings, and bread. No veggies, no cheese, no condiments. He eats and behaves like a petulant child. Christ on a speedboat, I hate our monthly meetings.

Oh, there's other things, but I'm beginning to choke on my own bile.


28 Comments:

Blogger Spirit Of Owl said...

Put the asshole on some skates. Let him play with the guys in the park.

Blogger katarina said...

Christ on a speedboat made me giggle.

I just saw a preview for that movie and rolled my eyes so much, my contact popped out. I never saw the first one and I can't believe there's another.

My friend is trying to sell her husband's roller sneakers. He bought them and isn't coordinated enough to wear them. I think he's too old for them anyway.

Blogger megan said...

i agree with katarina.. i think i will def have to use 'christ on a speedboat.'

as for the walkie talkie phones, i feel your pain. i want to jam sharp objects in my ears whenever someone around me has one. what fuckwad invented those? he should be tortured for all eternity.

He's got to be the most constipated person on earth, and that could very well be on of the causes of his idiocy. Brandish the fork next time.

Blogger Blonde said...

Take comfort in the fact that asshole co-worker had a lovely lunch of snot, spit with a side dish of jizz for his behavior. You don't even want to know what I used to do to assholes when I waited tables in college...

I am with you on the Nextel assholes. Did you also notice that they have them on walkie-talkie (like speakerphone) and they still fucking yell into the thing.

I like to accidentally push and trip kids on those fucking skates.

Blogger ItsTJoint said...

I hear you on Martin Lawrence. What pisses me off even more is that he got nearly $20 million to make that shit.

Blogger Steph said...

LMFAO! Christ on a speedboat is my new mantra.

Blogger Jo said...

You did that just to irritate me, didn't you? I think I'm starting to love you :-)

Blogger Brookelina said...

I once broke up with a guy because of the way he treated a waiter. Then I went out with the waiter.

Blogger Rachel said...

What is up with that piece of crap they are attempting to pass off as comedy? I wouldn't sit through that if you tied me to a chair...although you tying me to a chair gives me other ideas ;)

"I cunting hate it" - classic!

Lovin' you in all the right places.

Blogger yournamehere said...

owl,
if I put him on skates, I'd take him to the top of Red Rock canyon and push.

kat,
I've never seen anyone over the age of ten in roller sneakers.

megan,
walkie talkies are for children playing outdoors, not for adults indoors.

andi,
there won't be a next time. I shan't eat with this person again.

blonde,
I honestly love everything about you. I hope he swallowed bodily fluids.

joint,
twenty mil? I'm going to vomit.

steph,
I'm just happy I could provide you with a new mantra.

jo,
it isn't always about you, hon. Oh, most of the time it totally is, but not always. If you fall in love with me, won't that just add unnecessary conflict to your life?

brooke,
that was probably the best tip he ever received.

rachel,
if you'd let me tie you to a chair, we won't be watching movies (unless porn counts).

Blogger Claudia said...

Holy Hell! I can't believe there is another human being on this earth who notices what is going down at Chinese buffets...*shakes fist*

I end up eating "speedboat" loads of green tea ice cream because the desserts are all made out of gelatin. Gross. I think they're trying to cater to the elderly clientele who have limited chewing capabilities.

I'll still eat it though.
It's a buffet, damnit.

Blogger Jo said...

That was TOTALLY about me!! You never EVER make mistakes. And conflict is fun ;-)

Blogger little ol' me? said...

Make the co-worker eat each meal with your father (at a crappy chinese buffet), put him on skates, roll him into a theater, strap him into the seat to watch Big Mama's house for 48 straight hours.

Blogger Ćœbermilf said...

You and I should never be in public together. We will whip each other into an pissed off fury and begin massacring people.

Blogger The real me said...

Brooke, remember what Egan called you? Well, that word would apply here.

But I bow to you in deference.

Blogger The real me said...

Todd, you can add to your list
"People who comment to other people's comments on my blog."

Blogger WunEyedDog said...

Everytime I encounter someone who's like that to the wait staff, I just think "don't worry, they waiter will deal with it." I know I sure as hell did. I'll leave out the details, but suffice it to say, it didn't pay to be an ass to me.

The Nextels are great for their intended purpose with working people. I loved mine when I did deliveries. However, everybody else should just have their conversations on the phone, where we only have to suffer through one end of the conversation.

Blogger Ching Chong Chong said...

He sound dreadful.

Blogger yournamehere said...

claudia,
I can go to Chinese buffets and stay on my diet. I don't eat anything fried and I'm not tempted by desserts.

jo,
you crack me up. I don't mean to seem cynical, but I always seem to be involved in "conflicts" where I'm the guy who's not getting any sex.

little ol',
my dad would slap that guy out of his chair old school style.

ubie,
I think we'd just laugh hysterically.

real,
no, feel free to use my blog as your own little message board.

wun,
I just hope he didn't give the whole table "the treatment".

Blogger katarina said...

This guy is 27, I think. He's very immature for his age. He thinks he's 10.

Brooke, that's the coolest thing I've heard all day. And probably the coolest thing that waiter heard all day.

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

I have relatives that pray in public. I feel your pain.

Blogger Bill the Apostle said...

You are a very angry man....find peace...find jesus

Blogger WhiteBoyBob said...

Well there is one thing you can reasure yourself about that guy at work - he is probably, and unkowingly, eating alot of other guys "baby gravy" with his red meat.

That and he'll die from cancer of the rectum.

Blogger The real me said...

Baby gravy?!
And I thought "man batter" was gross...

Blogger yournamehere said...

kat,
thinks he's ten and married? Not a good combo.

pants,
how can we score with the opposite sex at Applebee's when our fams are bowing their heads in prayer? We have our reps to think of.

bill,
thanks for your concern.

bob,
you are just thrilled about the Steelers, huh?

real,
someday soon I'm sure you'll comment on my post, as opposed to another comment, or a comment on another blog.

Blogger Egan said...

I have nothing but kind words for Brooke. The Real Me, it's you I can't stand. Okay, maybe I like both of you.

Blogger karen! said...

Were you talking about my ex-boyfriend? The meat-eater? Sounded like it.

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