Monday, January 09, 2006
A History of Drunken Replies
Note: Yeah, I'm posting this early, but I've milked that last post for all it's worth.

When I drink and someone asks me a question or directs a comment my way, I usually have the good sense to reply with tact; but sometimes I drink too much, and these are the results.

Girl at bar: "So, do you find me attractive?"
Me: "No, but I'd have sex with you anyway."
(Note: She was really annoying the buzz off of me, so lighten up).

Bouncer, as we're leaving a crappy bar: "Have a good night."
Me: "They should rename this place 'The Men's Room', 'cause it's where all the dicks hang out."

Douchebag loudmouth new hire at work Christmas party, about ten years ago: "Blah blah blah blah blah blather pablum blah blah blah racist bullshit that set me off."
Me: "There's a breaking-in period, you know. You've been here two days, so drink your free drink and eat your free food and shut the fuck up. Seriously, have you shut your fucking mouth ONCE since you got here? You are a stranger to us, man; we don't want to hear it. DOES ANYONE WANT TO HEAR ANOTHER SYLLABLE OUT OF THIS GUY'S COCKSUCKING MOUTH? We aren't your lifelong friends; circumstances FORCE us to work with you but don't PUSH YOUR FUCKING LUCK. God damn it, I'm getting another drink. Anyone want another drink?"

Overaged frat boy as I walked past him at a bar in Louisville: "Hey, dude, you were great in that Godzilla movie."
Me: "Yeah, my favorite scene was when I butt-fucked your mom with a pogo stick."
(I would have said this sober. He deserved it.)

My dad, drunk for the first time in about a decade at my brother's wedding: "I was never much of a father when you were a kid, and I'm sorry for that, son."
Me: "Well, I wasn't much of a son, either. Of course, I was six, not a grown man like you, but whatever..."

There are so many more, but I don't want to lose every reader all at once.


Blogger Nick said...

You, sir, are an inspiration.

Blogger katarina said...

I wish I could speak so freely. I can't even come remotely close to that or people shun me and make my life miserable.
I need to hang with you.

Blogger Spirit Of Owl said...

Not only cultured, but a principled man of integrity. :)

Blogger Übermilf said...

I say things like that.

But people think I'm kidding.

Blogger MollyNormal said...

Right on, Todd.

Endearing for sure. I especially like the pogo-stick mom fucking. That's classic and should be printed on a Christmas card ASAP.

Blogger Calzone said...

Nice. I love the righteous burn, I am know to employ it myself.

Blogger Rachel said...

Overaged frat boys piss me off.

I'm so glad you aren't one of them, I don't want to be perpetually pissed off at you - I love you too much!

Blogger Übermilf said...

I've been guilty of keeping my mouth shut when I should've said something.

Like when the brain-dead lady in the grocery store was blocking the aisle, staring at the Campbell soups. She caused a back up, and we all just stood there until a fiesty lady in back yelled, "Move it, Blondie! Those labels aren't going to change!" And she was my hero.

Blogger Okibi said...

I have, just now, decided that I absolutely love you. Nope, you do not know me, but that is ok.

Blogger JJ said...

Some random guy in a booth next to mine in a diner: "Some weather, huh?"

Me on a bad day: "Do I look lonely? Does it appear to you that I'm searching for a new best friend?"

Blogger miss kendra said...

i have some people i'd like you to meet.

Blogger Princess Steph said...

I need to keep you in my back pocket for the occasions that arise where I need to be an ass but just cant find it in me....

that would mean you would be in my pants, sounds like a win/win.

Blogger Brookelina said...

I have to be drunk to say things like this, otherwise the jewish guilt sets in.

Blogger Claudia said...

Wow, the only comeback I can ever think of when drunk is "your mom"..I find it gets the point across nevertheless!

Blogger Kris said...

I would now like to see a listing of your most sensitive moments. Come on, bring 'em.

Blogger Sindy said...

Sarcasm and Booze.. Excellent Combo... Sharp toungued men are hot...Brains hanging out all over the place. =)

Blogger Jo said...

Damn, Todd... I sure missed you!! While I was driving down here, I begged MBC to read your blog to me over the phone, but he wouldn't do it. Jealousy is such an ugly thing, isn't it?

Blogger Cincysundevil said...

"Butt fucked your mom with a pogo stick" ... Classic! I'll never be able to watch a Godzilla movie again!

Blogger WunEyedDog said...

I'm too nice, I can't say stuff like that. Damn me.

Blogger Trix said...

A friend of mine felt the same way about her dad. Every fathers day, she'd say, "It's too bad they don't have a 'Happy sperm donor day' card."

Blogger Tumbleweed said...

Those are great! You must be a blast to hang with. I come up with great shit like that sometimes, but half the time it is after I have already walked away.

Blogger megan said...

man, i wish i could come up with stuff like that on the spot! you are blessed.

Blogger Übermilf said...


Blogger katarina said...

How very unlike you to miss a day. You're starting to develop my habit.

Blogger katarina said...

BTW, Ubie, nice cupcakes.

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