No, that's not the title of the worst ABC Afterschool Special ever; this is a true story from back in my college days. Allow me to spin this yarn, will you?
One day as I sat in the University of Louisville's student center with a group of friends and acquaintances, a girl named Amy, who was pretty close to my circle of friends, introduced us to her new boyfriend, Jimmy.
When I looked up, espresso shot out of my nose. This guy lived across the street from my dad and brother; in that neighborhood he was known as Jimmy the Skinhead. Really, "the Skinhead" was his last name for all I knew.
I had never heard him speak until that moment. "Hewwo, evewyone," he said. I had to suppress major laughage. This guy combined the views of Adolph Hitler with the speech pattern of Elmer Fudd. No wonder Amy was so smitten.
At first Amy said he was a skinhead, but not a Nazi skinhead. Okay, there are about four non-Nazi skinheads, whatever. Then one day she admitted to us that he might indeed be a fascist.
"So," I asked, "does he go on and on about 'Hitwer's mastew wace'?"
"Shut up. I still love him," she said with that pathetic infatuation look in her eyes. I tried to explain that the original Nazis would have slaughtered Jimmy because of the way he talked, but she was beyond reasoning with by that point.
That was pretty much the end of our friendship with Amy. She actually had the outside-ovaries to bring him around a few more times, and that was a big mistake. I would just talk about how much I wanted to fuck Vanessa Williams. In fact, I'd fawn over almost every black girl who walked by our table. Adolph Fudd would just sit there and silently stew, since he was, like most racists, a giant pussy.
Amy stopped hanging out with us, even after she and Jimmy the Skinhead had broken up (I think they had a fight because she had a Prince CD in her collection, I don't know). The entire situation sickened me. I don't think everyone you date should have to mirror your social and political ideals, but a gothish English major dating a Nazi? This had sitcom written all over it.
In fact, I wrote a theme song, sung to the tune of The Patty Duke Show theme.
"Meet Amy who loves most everyone,
Black and white and Mexican;
But Jimmy only thinks you're right
If your skin is lily white,
What a crazy pair."
One day as I sat in the University of Louisville's student center with a group of friends and acquaintances, a girl named Amy, who was pretty close to my circle of friends, introduced us to her new boyfriend, Jimmy.
When I looked up, espresso shot out of my nose. This guy lived across the street from my dad and brother; in that neighborhood he was known as Jimmy the Skinhead. Really, "the Skinhead" was his last name for all I knew.
I had never heard him speak until that moment. "Hewwo, evewyone," he said. I had to suppress major laughage. This guy combined the views of Adolph Hitler with the speech pattern of Elmer Fudd. No wonder Amy was so smitten.
At first Amy said he was a skinhead, but not a Nazi skinhead. Okay, there are about four non-Nazi skinheads, whatever. Then one day she admitted to us that he might indeed be a fascist.
"So," I asked, "does he go on and on about 'Hitwer's mastew wace'?"
"Shut up. I still love him," she said with that pathetic infatuation look in her eyes. I tried to explain that the original Nazis would have slaughtered Jimmy because of the way he talked, but she was beyond reasoning with by that point.
That was pretty much the end of our friendship with Amy. She actually had the outside-ovaries to bring him around a few more times, and that was a big mistake. I would just talk about how much I wanted to fuck Vanessa Williams. In fact, I'd fawn over almost every black girl who walked by our table. Adolph Fudd would just sit there and silently stew, since he was, like most racists, a giant pussy.
Amy stopped hanging out with us, even after she and Jimmy the Skinhead had broken up (I think they had a fight because she had a Prince CD in her collection, I don't know). The entire situation sickened me. I don't think everyone you date should have to mirror your social and political ideals, but a gothish English major dating a Nazi? This had sitcom written all over it.
In fact, I wrote a theme song, sung to the tune of The Patty Duke Show theme.
"Meet Amy who loves most everyone,
Black and white and Mexican;
But Jimmy only thinks you're right
If your skin is lily white,
What a crazy pair."
11 Comments:
"Hitwer's mastew wace"
Seriously, I don't think I'll EVER stop laughing.
Hey, don't write anything good for the next couple of days... I'm going on a roadtrip and won't be able to read!
sometimes when no one's paying attention to me I speak like Jimmy the Nazi and say things like "Weally, I will wip you to pieces with my huge outside ovaries"
I had the same speech issues with "r" and "l" when I was a kid. I underwent years of speech therapy. Thanks for bring up all those painful memories. So insensitive!
Just kidding, that was fucking hilarious!!!
I did have the speech impedement, but if you can't laugh at your childhood what can you laugh at. My gawd, that was a funny story.
It's one thing to date someone who has a differing opinion on how to properly fund the public school system or the virtues of socialism over a pure free market system.
It is another thing entirely to hook up with someone who endorses evil.
More They Might Be Giants: "I can't stand here Wistening to wou, Wou and wou Wacist fwiend."
are you telling me hitler isn't cool?
i'm pretty sure that's the lesson i gleaned from 13 years of hebrew school.
no?
By the title of this post, I thought this would be about Dick Clark.
Damn You!
I have to clean my computer screen now and explain to the people around me what is wrong.
I think Jimmy opened his own club it is called the Pawty Hut in Gatwinbuwg.
the two of them could do that Carmen reenactment!
a Nazi with a speech impediment.... only you could enlighten us on his existence so eloquently..
Seriously, if I never blog again, I will always be happy that I did because I got to read that title.
His name was Jimmy the Skinhead, cause it was the only thing he could say without fuckin' it up.
Dude, that's hysterical.
owl,
Dr. Mengele would have tried to cure his speech problem by removing his spleen.
jo,
you have to eventually stop laughing. But if you don't, and you make it to the Book of Records, I want a shout out.
kat,
and it drinks from the toilet.
claudia,
you and your outside ovaries excite me.
shannon,
the kids in my class used to call it "peach class" because that's how one kid pronounced it.
ubie,
They Might Be Fudd. Cool.
miss kendra,
Hitler never drank whiskey. It made him mean.
molly,
it is so hot when you call me punk ass.
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