Thursday, January 05, 2006
Jimmy, the Nazi with a speech impediment
No, that's not the title of the worst ABC Afterschool Special ever; this is a true story from back in my college days. Allow me to spin this yarn, will you?

One day as I sat in the University of Louisville's student center with a group of friends and acquaintances, a girl named Amy, who was pretty close to my circle of friends, introduced us to her new boyfriend, Jimmy.

When I looked up, espresso shot out of my nose. This guy lived across the street from my dad and brother; in that neighborhood he was known as Jimmy the Skinhead. Really, "the Skinhead" was his last name for all I knew.

I had never heard him speak until that moment. "Hewwo, evewyone," he said. I had to suppress major laughage. This guy combined the views of Adolph Hitler with the speech pattern of Elmer Fudd. No wonder Amy was so smitten.

At first Amy said he was a skinhead, but not a Nazi skinhead. Okay, there are about four non-Nazi skinheads, whatever. Then one day she admitted to us that he might indeed be a fascist.

"So," I asked, "does he go on and on about 'Hitwer's mastew wace'?"

"Shut up. I still love him," she said with that pathetic infatuation look in her eyes. I tried to explain that the original Nazis would have slaughtered Jimmy because of the way he talked, but she was beyond reasoning with by that point.

That was pretty much the end of our friendship with Amy. She actually had the outside-ovaries to bring him around a few more times, and that was a big mistake. I would just talk about how much I wanted to fuck Vanessa Williams. In fact, I'd fawn over almost every black girl who walked by our table. Adolph Fudd would just sit there and silently stew, since he was, like most racists, a giant pussy.

Amy stopped hanging out with us, even after she and Jimmy the Skinhead had broken up (I think they had a fight because she had a Prince CD in her collection, I don't know). The entire situation sickened me. I don't think everyone you date should have to mirror your social and political ideals, but a gothish English major dating a Nazi? This had sitcom written all over it.

In fact, I wrote a theme song, sung to the tune of The Patty Duke Show theme.

"Meet Amy who loves most everyone,
Black and white and Mexican;
But Jimmy only thinks you're right
If your skin is lily white,
What a crazy pair."


19 Comments:

Blogger Spirit Of Owl said...

The Nazis would have expewimented on him.

Blogger Jo said...

"Hitwer's mastew wace"

Seriously, I don't think I'll EVER stop laughing.

Hey, don't write anything good for the next couple of days... I'm going on a roadtrip and won't be able to read!

Blogger katarina said...

Love is blind...

And stupid.

Blogger Claudia said...

sometimes when no one's paying attention to me I speak like Jimmy the Nazi and say things like "Weally, I will wip you to pieces with my huge outside ovaries"

Blogger Shannon said...

I had the same speech issues with "r" and "l" when I was a kid. I underwent years of speech therapy. Thanks for bring up all those painful memories. So insensitive!

Just kidding, that was fucking hilarious!!!

I did have the speech impedement, but if you can't laugh at your childhood what can you laugh at. My gawd, that was a funny story.

Blogger Ćœbermilf said...

It's one thing to date someone who has a differing opinion on how to properly fund the public school system or the virtues of socialism over a pure free market system.

It is another thing entirely to hook up with someone who endorses evil.

More They Might Be Giants: "I can't stand here Wistening to wou, Wou and wou Wacist fwiend."

Blogger miss kendra said...

are you telling me hitler isn't cool?

i'm pretty sure that's the lesson i gleaned from 13 years of hebrew school.

no?

Blogger MollyNormal said...

Hey punk ass. I sent you a text msg with VERY EXCITING NEWS and you totally didn't reply. What's up with that?

Blogger Egan said...

By the title of this post, I thought this would be about Dick Clark.

Blogger Princess Steph said...

holy shit that girl needed a swift kick to the head

Blogger Lulu said...

So, have you talked to Amy since? Did she end up marrying a Grand Wizard? Or a Gwand Wizawd, as it were.

Blogger AWE said...

Damn You!

I have to clean my computer screen now and explain to the people around me what is wrong.

I think Jimmy opened his own club it is called the Pawty Hut in Gatwinbuwg.

Blogger Used Hack said...

Great story. Reminded me of a good speech impediment story from my past. Anything that sparks a blog entry these days in a good thing. Thanks.

Blogger Knitty Kitty said...

the two of them could do that Carmen reenactment!

a Nazi with a speech impediment.... only you could enlighten us on his existence so eloquently..

Blogger Brookelina said...

Seriously, if I never blog again, I will always be happy that I did because I got to read that title.

Blogger WunEyedDog said...

His name was Jimmy the Skinhead, cause it was the only thing he could say without fuckin' it up.

Dude, that's hysterical.

Blogger yournamehere said...

owl,
Dr. Mengele would have tried to cure his speech problem by removing his spleen.

jo,
you have to eventually stop laughing. But if you don't, and you make it to the Book of Records, I want a shout out.

kat,
and it drinks from the toilet.

claudia,
you and your outside ovaries excite me.

shannon,
the kids in my class used to call it "peach class" because that's how one kid pronounced it.

ubie,
They Might Be Fudd. Cool.

miss kendra,
Hitler never drank whiskey. It made him mean.

molly,
it is so hot when you call me punk ass.

Blogger yournamehere said...

egan,
a Dick Clark joke? Yeah.

princess steph,
you could oil-wrestle her.

lipstick,
I think she became a lesbian.

awe,
at least the Pawty Hut would have been funny.

used hack,
there should be a Nobel Prize for best speech impediment story.

knitty,
the story had to be told.

brooke,
I'll always be happen when I'm picturing you naked.

wuneye,
he was one dumb son of a bitch.

Blogger The DogGrrrrl said...

Tell me again how I've stayed away this long? I wish we'd grown up together.

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