Saturday, January 07, 2006
Note: This post was inspired by Ubie's picture of some ugly clock.

People love shit. They go seriously gaga over steaming piles of excrement. During my brief (but not brief enough) trip to Tennessee, I saw some crap that made me want to move to a commune and live with stinking hippies. In Pigeon Forge, the place where cool goes to die, they have several "Dinner shows" usually involving a buffet and country music. One such show, billed as "The Longest Running Show in the Smokies" promised...are you ready for this...Country Gospel and Clogging. They must have done market research to determine the show I would least like to see. The only way it'd be worse would be if the cloggers wore University of Kentucky uniforms and kicked me in the nuts with their wooden shoes. But these places were packed every night, full to bursting with easily amused velveeta-eating simpletons.

I'm not a cultured person, and not because I'm from the upper south/lower midwest. Louisville has a symphony orchestra, an opera company, and a Center for the Arts. I loathe opera, I've never set foot inside the Center, and every time I heard the Louisville Orchestra they were accompanying a fireworks display. I'd rather eat a good pizza and drink microbrewed beer. But at least I don't have a velvet painting depicting George W. Bush, Jesus, and the guy who played "Cooter" on Dukes of Hazard harassing a pregnant teenager outside an abortion clinic. I don't schedule social engagements around airings of "Yes, Dear". I don't have all of the Nascar decorative plates, for the love of Cletus.

Speaking of Nascar, back when Dale Earnhardt was killed, I saw some idiot wearing a t-shirt which read God Must Have Needed a Driver. First of all, I'd like to think God has the good sense to not choose a driver who died while driving; and why bring God into it at all? I know some people really liked Dale Earnhardt, but when Kurt Cobain blew his head off, I didn't run out and buy God Must Have Needed a Heroin Addict t-shirts.

Every year our local newspaper, The Review Journal, which is put together by seals who've been trained to type, publishes a Reader's Choice awards for restaurants. Every year Pizza Hut wins "Best Pizza", as voted by the braindead inhabitants of my adopted city. PIZZA CUNT, I say! If your dog had thumbs he could throw together a better tasting pie. Olive Garden wins "Best Italian". Frank and Dean are rolling in their respective graves at the very notion. Oh, and Taco Bell wins "Best Mexican". Do you know how many Latinos live in this city? Obviously, they don't vote in this poll.

People like to collect shite. When I worked at Organized Living a man asked me for a container to house his sombrero collection. I gave him several shopping bags and sent him on his way. And now I send you on your way. Have a great weekend.


Blogger Egan said...

This was a beautiful post. Love the Best restaurant stuff. How anyone thinks Pizza Hut has the best pizza is beyond me. If you don't get any takers from your last post other than Livia or Brooke, I will be on the next plane down. Have a good weekend.

Blogger wmy said...

Damn you beat me again!!
Gospel and clogging huh?...I am furious that I missed out on that one! I saw a picture of little Frances Bean the other day, and lordy, lordy, does she ever look like her daddy! Guess its safe to say that Courtney Loves... to fuck everybody...didnt...

Blogger Egan said...

I miss Mr. Cobain.

Blogger Brookelina said...

I feel warm all over.

Blogger Ćœbermilf said...

A sombrero collection?


Todd, what is our nation coming to?

Blogger JackassJimmy said...

Rhode Island has some world class italian food as well as some fan-fucking-tastic seafood if you are into that sort of thing.

However, I used to laugh my Uncle Buck -sized ass off at people in the Midwest who would pack the car for a trip to olive garden.

Just cause it's all the bread sticks you can eat, doesn't mean you have to eat all the breadsticks.

Good post.

Jackass Jimmy

Blogger aughra said...

cool goes to die! hee.

Hey Todd.. I nominated you in about 5 categories over at, you should make a push to get some readers to nominate you.

Blogger IndependentGrl said...

There is no chance in hell that a chain restaurant has the best of anything when compared to a family-owned joint. But sadly, this just reflects the basic mentality of taking the road well-travelled. Veer off dammit!

Blogger Claudia said...

I have never agreed with you more. I find it funny to see what kind of "shite" people like to collect-especially old people. I once found a gigantic jar of buttons in my grandmother's closet, right behind a painting of a dog running through a field...

Blogger yournamehere said...

Pizza Hut was at least acceptable several years ago, but they've gone downhill.

I'm sure Frances Bean will one day annoy us with a musical career.

yeah, everytime I hear crap like Nickleback I want Nirvana to destroy them.

you're hot, not warm.

the customer looked like Comic Book Guy from The Simpsons. And he had a wife, who looked like Comic Book Guy wearing a bad wig.

I understand that sometimes there isn't another option, but there are Italian restaurants in this city. Olive Garden doesn't even need to exist here.

it dies a horrid, slow, public death.

doesn't Dooce win everything every year? Thanks for nominating me, though. And if anyone else wants to follow suit, please do.

I like you more and more with each passing comment.

Blogger yournamehere said...

you snuck your comment in, comment-sneaker.

My grandfather on my dad's side used to have a 3-dimensional picture of Jesus in his house.

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

I just received my copy of the Vegas
Zagat Survey. The Pizza Cunt voters make me want to stab myself in the eye with a rusty nail.

I wish God needed a self-righteous, C student, lying politician.

Blogger Claudia said...

Re: 3D Jesus pic.

That is creepy. I feel cold.

Blogger St. Francis said...

You should work on your anger, love yourself.

Blogger Kris said...

I hate your crap about not being cultured. Don't make me come over there.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Imagine the fodder for garage sales! Everyone buying each other's crap for 25 cents... and negotiating a better price for it!

"Geez, ya know, I really would like to buy those heart-shaped ice cube trays, but 25 cents seems a little steep. Would ya take a dime?"

Blogger miss kendra said...

but where am i to keep my leiderhosen?

bags will not do!

Blogger yournamehere said...

I think the tourists have more taste than the locals, which is sad. And I think God has had his fill of lying politicians.

How can someone so hot feel cold?

all I ever do is "love myself" and it's starting to piss me off.

Come on over. We'll visit the fake sphynx, the fake Eiffel Tower, the fake State of Liberty, the fake city of Venice...all of which I think are pretty cool, to be honest.

when I was a kid my mom would have garage sales (called yard sales in the South) and she stopped making me help out because I wouldn't haggle with people. "This is marked fifty cents; can I have it for a quarter?" "No. Come on, lady; take the hit."

Oh, Organized Living had an entire aisle of leiderhosen holders. OL is closed now, but try the Container Store.

Blogger Princess Steph said...

I would wear that Cobain tshirt with pride.

Blogger yournamehere said...

and I would take it off of you with pride. (Pride=horniness)

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Todd!! Look at that post just above mine...
It's someone who wants to date you just for you!!

Blogger Spirit Of Owl said...

Seems to me you're a cultured man of taste, whether you like it or not.

Blogger Rachel said...



Blogger St. Francis said...


I'm sorry for being sarcastic.

Blogger WunEyedDog said...

Okay, the Pizza Hut...well, I'll sort of allow it. It at least resembles pizza. But, Taco Bell? It's not even Mexican food. Not even close. I love the shit, but goddamn, it is so far from mexican it might as well be Korean.

Blogger WunEyedDog said...

I just read the bit about the 3D Jesus. I feel ill. Literally.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dude, better late than never, but my mate DriverChris's missus was given a whole stack of tacky shit from a South African friend of hers. Porcelain Kittens playing with balls of wool and crap like that. Why God? WHY!?!?!?

Anonymous Anonymous said...

PS Excuse the mental spelling - too much French vino.

PPS GO STEELERS!!!! Woo, yeah! YEAH!!!

Blogger Ruben said...

You have a way with words that makes me envious.

Blogger Blonde said... reference to the previous post, I have made solid plans to enjoy mexican and margaritas with you at Pink Taco when I get to Vegas. You will NOT bail on me.

If I saw someone wearing that Nascar shirt, I swear I would pull his mullet and kick him in the junk.

I love you Todd, and I think Egan is a wee bit jealous that you get all the chicks here ;).

Blogger yournamehere said...

I deleted that spam, but I enjoyed your joke nonetheless.

perhaps by the low standards set by American society, I am a bit cultured.

it turns me on when you say you love me in capital letters.

dude, never apologize for being sarcastic.

I agree. Taco Bell is "damn I'm drunk" food, not Mexican food.

I have a soft spot for the Bengals, but my love of Independent Girl makes me like the Steelers. I was conflicted.

yeah, but you know you have more game with the ladies.

why would you think I'd bail on you? I've seriously been wanting to meet you since June. If my piece of shit automobile breaks down I'll take a cab.

Blogger katarina said...

You really hate "Yes, Dear" don't you?

Blogger Princess Steph said...

Kat- it is the spawn of the devil.

Blogger Cincysundevil said...

Please tell me you'll post pics when you get the complete NASCAR decorative plate set.

Blogger Julie said...

I'm from Tennessee, and I'm very embarassed of Pigeon Forge, but I'd like to make clear that the only people that go there are TOURIST, WE locals, don't go there!! We are just as scared of the people that it attracts as you were!

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