It seems like every day I read about someone moving across the country to be with that special someone they met while blogging. It seems to be a widespread phenomenon, like the i-pod but with sex.
My question: What about me? I blog almost every god damn day, with the exception of vacations and shitty routers, and NOT ONE SINGLE FEMALE has fallen madly in love with me and decided to uproot her life and move to Las Vegas. What have I done wrong?
Oh, yeah...I blog every day about how hideously grotesque and fat I am; about my obsession with strip clubs, recreational lesbianism, and Jessica Alba; about my shitty, low-paying job; about my uncool, dangerous automobile; about how I passed out drunk while two lesbians were getting it on right next to me; about how most women are either immediately repulsed by me or want to be my friend; about my public bowel movements; about how I hate the city of Las Vegas and its sub-moronic inhabitants. Oh, and I use the word "cunt" a lot and take our Lord's name in vain on many occasions.
But I'm funny, or so I've been told. Doesn't that count for something? Doesn't someone want to leave her life behind - her job, her friends, her family - to live with me in abject poverty in a fad city that will probably be a drought-ravaged ghost-town in twenty years? C'mon, I'm hilarious, or so I've been told. We'll laugh our asses off as we sit in our roach-infested studio apartment and eat Beanie Weenie right out of the can.
I think I've made quite a compelling case. I'll sit back and wait for the offers and propositions to pour in. Please, ladies, no fighting.
My question: What about me? I blog almost every god damn day, with the exception of vacations and shitty routers, and NOT ONE SINGLE FEMALE has fallen madly in love with me and decided to uproot her life and move to Las Vegas. What have I done wrong?
Oh, yeah...I blog every day about how hideously grotesque and fat I am; about my obsession with strip clubs, recreational lesbianism, and Jessica Alba; about my shitty, low-paying job; about my uncool, dangerous automobile; about how I passed out drunk while two lesbians were getting it on right next to me; about how most women are either immediately repulsed by me or want to be my friend; about my public bowel movements; about how I hate the city of Las Vegas and its sub-moronic inhabitants. Oh, and I use the word "cunt" a lot and take our Lord's name in vain on many occasions.
But I'm funny, or so I've been told. Doesn't that count for something? Doesn't someone want to leave her life behind - her job, her friends, her family - to live with me in abject poverty in a fad city that will probably be a drought-ravaged ghost-town in twenty years? C'mon, I'm hilarious, or so I've been told. We'll laugh our asses off as we sit in our roach-infested studio apartment and eat Beanie Weenie right out of the can.
I think I've made quite a compelling case. I'll sit back and wait for the offers and propositions to pour in. Please, ladies, no fighting.
35 Comments:
I've never heard of people going cross country to be with new found blog lovers.
Well no that's not true, I did hear of one and it ended badly.
while you don't exactly promote yourself well, I'm sure a nice single gal is lurking on your blog...
maybe this will entice her more.
I am secretly in love with you, but I'm hesitant to move to Vegas because I don't know that I could contain myself around all the rampant boobies. I might convert and I just don't want to hurt you that way, Todd.
*sniffle*
This post should produce some great results. I love the spirit of this post. Of course there's always the "be careful what you wish for" comment, but you're young and single... so why not have fun? You are way too timid, try the forward approach next time.
That's it, sell yourself baby! Work it! Work it!!!
knitty,
I think I'm a master of self-promotion.
petunia,
It's nice of you to say you're the wrong girl for me instead of I'm the wrong guy for you. Oh, sweet rejection.
andi,
I openly love you, but your snarky comments, as much as they amuse me, ain't keepin' me warm at night.
egan,
I'm single, but not getting any younger. I'm basically trolling because I'm desperate.
brooke,
how "pimp" of you. I was going to address this plea directly to you, but I didn't want to frighten you. Any more than I have in the past, anyway.
In all the polls women say that the number one thing they're attracted to in a man is "a sense of humour." It's a little badly defined what they mean by "a sense of humour," but it appears that a fat bank account and movie star looks are very much part it.
Aw, come on, did I ever say women were shallow? I didn't ever say that. Never.
I'll vouch for you sugar!!! Ladies...Todd doesn't SNORE one single bit. He doesn't hog the covers or make nasty bodily noises in the night.
There...that outta hook you a good one. :)
Why do I now have this mental image of a mini hourglass dress and some vinyl thigh-high hooker boots?
"work it...own it"
Secretly lovin' you...oh, and I have hooker boots ;)
Todd is the Ron Jeremy of intellectual prowess!
There, how's that?
You had me at "obsession with strip clubs."
If I were to move to Las Vegas, I would spend my life propped up at a pai gow table with the blue hairs, chain smoking, ordering shiznit after shiznit and having the pit boss tell me to shut up after my 800th time of screaming "fuckin' butt weasel" at my cards. Not that I would really do that, of course. (Chain smoking, I mean. Everything else is absolutely true).
Sorry, I'm married. But maybe if you want to move to Utah...?
Good luck on your woman search. BTW, you'll take any woman? Don't you want to be at least slightly discriminating?
i already have three boyfriends, but you seem ok to me.
i'll endorse you.
Does one have to be female to accept this offer I, uh, ask for a friend.
I'm pretty sure the problem isn't with you or with the women so that leaves the soulless shithole of a city you live in. Give it all up, dude, and move to Atlantic City.
Wait, frying pan, fire...
After reading today's post I can't imagine why people would think that romance is dead! How can any girl refuse?
i guess i should have read all your archives. i never knew all that about you til now! get ready baby, my flight arrives at 9pm. will you be waiting?
You forgot to mention your love of writing all things related to camel toes. Those are my favorite posts.
If Nick moves to Vegas you two should have a housewarming party, or something.
Too bad. If you and Nick would've registered as the first "domestic partnership" for 2006, the City of Chicago would've given you some lovely gifts.
Oh wait. You want a woman.
The first thing I look for in a man is a sense of humor and then teeth. Are you really tall and don't snore? That's a turn on!
owl,
I've met many women's boyfriends who they describe as "hilarious" and every time they're handsome and about as funny as pestilence.
heather,
thanks. It's all true.
rachel,
my love for you is no secret.
eek,
damned by faint praise yet again.
mshellion,
my brain is very hairy.
trix,
I'm thinking of moving back to Louisville. It totally kicks Dubuque's ass.
lushy,
even if I move away I plan on moving back when I'm old and doing exactly what you described.
onyx,
I think they let men have more than one wife, not a women have more than one husband. Another double standard that works in my favor.
miss kendra,
I'll gladly accept your endorsement (or be your fourth boyfriend).
nick,
only rich men with no sex drive who have lost their genitalia will be considered.
egan,
I'm too honest.
steph,
I would spurn them all for you, my dear.
jj,
you have such a problem with Vegas. It cracks me up.
little ol,
how can girls refuse? Very easily, it turns out.
slutbag,
If you were really flying out, I'd probably be arrested for trying to meet you on the runway.
ms. pants,
the camel toe is the smile of carnal lust. And since I doubt Nick is rich and dickless, we won't be living together.
ubie,
did you post a comment? I was staring at your cupcakes.
tumbleweed,
I'm tall, I don't snore, uh...I'm sure I also possess one or two other positive qualities.
evil,
people who read this blog should already know I'm the Robert Frost of the word "cunt".
Todd, I am fearless. You can't scare me. Unless you want a long term commitment. That frightens the crap out of me.
JJ...did you just diss Atlantic City? You are so dead.
It is ok to dis Atlantic City...it is a shithole.
Toddy,
What you are not researching is how many of these life uprooting relationships have worked out into "happily ever after". My guess is none. I would never uproot my life for ANYONE except myself. Though, Livia is selling Vegas to me hard, so I might be moving there anyway.
I love you. You know that all the chicks want you. Shit, every time I read this blog I get tingles of jealousy because of all of the other girly competition.
I'm definitely not rich.
If I ever make it to Vegas, I promise to visit. Is that enough?
But seriously... will anyone actually meet Todd? I'm just playing devil's advocate.
.... I am also too honest Todd. See previous comment for an example. Best of luck.
brooke,
if by long term commitment you mean the whole weekend, then yeah.
blonde,
in the blog world, I have more female readers than I ever imagined (meaning more than two) and they're all lovely, intelligent ladies. In the real world, things are a little different.
nick,
I didn't think so.
aughra,
since you're married to a martial arts and weapons expert, yes, that will be enough. You're awesome and I'd love to meet you someday.
rachel,
I'm thinking of a frontal labotomy.
egan,
I've met bloggers, always in a non-romantic situation. No, Egan, I don't expect to find romance via this blog, or ever in my lifetime to be honest. I think that ship has sailed. A blowjob every now and again would be nice.
petunia,
I was just making a little joke. Thank you for your introduction. This blog notwithstanding, I'm shy myself, and have the self-confidence of a Depression-era matchstick girl.
Todd, come out of your shell a little... open up, tell us how you really feel about stuff...
girls love that kind of thing.
I bet you have lots of other positive qualities. You can tell me, I won't tell anyone else! I am hoping to be in Vegas in March. It's one of those places that you love to visit but wouldn't want to live there. I would be dead within a year with all the drinking and non-sleep I get when I visited last.
Todd, you are way too tough on yourself. Romance can happen. I like what The Real Me wrote.
real,
girls like the opposite of all I am.
livi,
of course I want to meet you. Email me.
tumbleweed,
meet up with me in March and we'll take some time off your life.
egan,
I've just resigned myself to loneliness.
Egan likes everything I write... il m'aime beaucoup.
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