Monday, January 16, 2006
She Wants to Be the Girl With the Most Cake
I know what you're thinking: "Mr. viva las vegASS, you've gone too far, stealing a body from the morgue, putting a tuft of straw on its head and posting its ghastly image on your blog"; but no, this is Courtney Love, who as of this writing is still alive, somehow. She's apparently had plastic surgery, which means SHE PAID MONEY TO LOOK LIKE THAT. For Lindsay Lohan, this must be like looking into the future, but that's not the point of this post.

Plastic surgery costs money, as does being addicted to every substance one can snort, smoke, shoot up, or guzzle. According to published reports, living the lifestyle of an anorexic junkie and paying to look like a wax figurine has left Ms. Love broke, meaning the thousands she made as the lead singer of Hole and the millions she made when she had the good luck to marry a suicidal genius are all gone.

Before the mad rush to donate money so Courtney can buy her heroin in Beverly Hills instead of Englewood, rest assured that she'll be okay. She'll reportedly receive over 100-million dollars for her share when she SELLS THE RIGHTS TO NIRVANA'S MUSIC. I knew it! I knew it! I knew it!

I'm surprised it took this long for her to feed her husband's corpse to the vultures of big business. As soon as Kurt Cobain blew his brains all over the guestroom of his Seattle house, I've been waiting for the other Doc Marten to drop; and now it has, with a resounding thud. Within the year, Kurt's songs will be used to sell gas-guzzling SUVs, cardboard-tasting pizzas, Old Navy retro flannels, the Chia Kurt, vaginal odor deterrents, Axe body spray, and athletic shoes sewn in overseas sweatshops by child laborers.

Hey, maybe Kenny G will be the highest bidder. That way he can license "Come As You Are" to the United States Army and pay "tribute" by re-recording all of their songs using his patented "cuntophone".

What the fuck do I care? All of my life, anything that ever mattered to me in the least has been watered down, bastardized, shat upon, or otherwise sold to the highest bidder. Why not this as well? I can't wait until Jared from Subway is grinning at me insipidly while singing "Smells Like Toasted Sandwiches" or "Serve the Servants" becomes the new opening theme for Sean Hannity's radio show. All I'll be able to do is laugh at the absurdity of it all.

What other choice will I have when the Demons of Corporate America simultaneously pull out their cocks to piss on me and I'm left without an umbrella?


25 Comments:

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

I don't require vaginal odor deterrents, but I might purchase one if it had a picture of Kurt.

I hope we can still be friends.

Blogger Monkey! said...

I'm sorry but that still makes me kinda sad. Now I know how boomers feel hearing Bowie used to sell Dell or some shit like that.

Blogger Monkey! said...

Not the selling out part-the fact that my youth is now far enough behind me that it invokes nostalgia substantial enough to sell products.

Am I that old? Say it ain't so.

It's too bad, really. I used to love Hole.

She's such a goddamn mess. Who has custody of her daughter?

Well I did read once that plastic surgeons practice on corpse heads. In this case they lucked upon one that could give 'em a lippy blowjob in post-op.

Blogger WhiteBoyBob said...

Spot on dude, spot on!

Video footage of Kurt will also be appearing in adverts for McDonalds and Coke I bet. That's another favourite of the grave robbing ad men.

PS Go Steelers! Whoa! Yeah! Whooo! Yeah! All right! etc, etc.

Blogger katarina said...

I felt that way the first time I heard a Beetles song in a running shoe commercial.
If you're alive and do it, you're a sell-out. If you're dead and someone does it for you, haunt them. He should haunt her until she freaks out and jumps out of the window. Although, she'll be so high it wouldn't do anything to her. You've seen those movies in school...

Blogger Brookelina said...

But I want to be the girl with the most cake!!! That may have to be my new slogan.

Blogger MollyNormal said...

She is a trainwreck and a half. I feel more sorry for her kid than anything.

Blogger Blonde said...

Courtney is a train wreck that has been living on borrowed time since the early 90's. I LOVED Hole, but she is so self destructive that she fucked that up. I am forever convinced that Cobain shot his brains out because of her.

I will lost my shit if I hear "Smells Like Teen Spirit" on a deodorant commercial (either arm pit or vaginal)

Blogger Rachel said...

Uugghh, that is just wrong for so many reasons.

Blogger megan said...

that makes me sad. and pissed.

i cannot believe she is still breathing. she's like a cockroach.

Blogger Cladeedah said...

Why can't she just live on the royalties?? There have to be radio stations and football teams still buying that stuff!

Blogger AWE said...

I will have nightmares tonight.

Blogger MoDigli said...

Courtney is a MESS - although I will admit to enjoying some Hole songs.

I also wonder about the daughter - what's going on with her? Maybe she lives with the grandparents, which is what most junkies do when they have kids, right?

I once saw Courtney shopping in a huge vintage shop in Cleveland. She was with Hole, who played a show the night before. She was a mess back then, even. (though the staff at the shop were waiting on them hand and foot.) She looked pasty and dead in person. I can't imagine all that goin on in a plastic wax figure now. Yikes!

And now I'll admit the worst - I'm pretty sure I share a birthday with courtney! sCaRy!

Blogger Calzone said...

Your alright dude, I didn't know you were into getting pissed on.

I'm in this club, we meet every other Tuesday

Blogger yournamehere said...

pants,
we can still be friends if you buy me a shot.

monkey!,
you ain't as old as me.

shaken,
shockingly, Courtney just regained custody after completing yet another round of rehab.

andi,
that was one WRONG comment. Cool.

bob,
Ronald McDonald will probably stage dive with "him".

kat,
how can you haunt someone who's already dead inside?

brooke,
you are SO the girl with the most cake. Ubie is the girl with the largest number of cupcakes.

molly,
I'll feel less sorry for the kid if "mom" doesn't blow the entire hundred-mil.

Blogger yournamehere said...

blonde,
I loved Hole as well. The worst day of Kurt's life was when he met her.

rachel,
too many reasons to count.

megan,
I know if I was even accidentally pricked by a heroin needle, my heart would explode.

cladeedah,
The royalties aren't enough to sustain her addictions.

awe,
sorry.

mo,
I saw Hole in concert in Cincinnati once. She drank a bottle of something, maybe drain cleaner, and it got ugly.

calzone,
I'm busy every other Tuesday.

Blogger Ćœbermilf said...

I need a hug and cupcakes.

Blogger Jo said...

I must be a soulless cunt. It doesn't matter to me at all when favorite songs get used in commercials.

But I am sorry for your pain.

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

Consider it done...in a few months.

Blogger yournamehere said...

Ubie,
everyone needs a hug and cupcakes, my friend.

jo,
c'mon, you're not soulless.

Ha, see what I did there? You said "I must be a soulless cunt" and I replied, "...you're not soulless," implying that you are, however, a cunt. THAT IS COMEDY. Oh, and although I use the word cunt a lot, I rarely if ever direct it at a specific person, and certainly not you, who I think is a terrific person. In other words, I WAS JUST KIDDING.

pants,
can I drink draft beer out of your comically oversized boot?

Blogger Shannon said...

Wow, with this single post you've completely shattered my New Years resolution to stop being so goddamn negatively, cynical.

And I'd liked Hole.

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

Have you been possessed by Calzone?

Blogger Jo said...

You're trying to kill me... I seriously almost died laughing there :-)

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