Tuesday, January 17, 2006
I Watch the Golden Globes So You Don't Have To
The Golden Globes are like the RC Cola of award shows; it's kind of an also-ran. They honor achievement in film and television, which insures an awkward mix of genuine superstars and people who play "wacky neighbors" on shitty UPN sitcoms. "Hey, is that Clint Eastwood talking to the cast of 'Eve'?"

I did one of these capsule reviews of the last two award shows on M-TV, and while this one wasn't as wretched, it was every bit as boring, maybe more so. The usual easy targets weren't there: No P. Diddy or Lindsay Lohan or Andy Dick to make the jokes practically write themselves. I did go ahead and take a few notes.

-Adrian Brody looks like someone gave the lead singer of the Black Crowes a shave and a shower.

-George Clooney wins some award. He's from Kentucky, you know. Whenever someone meets me and says, "Jesus, is everyone from Kentucky as ugly as you?" I always answer, "Not George Clooney."

-Paul Newman wins something and not only doesn't show up, he can't be bothered to appear via satellite and pretend to care. A wise man, as it turns out.

-Drew Barrymore is wearing a dress made from pool table felt.

-Why do I suspect Nicolette Sheridan has the biggest cock in the room?

-I know Pamela Anderson has fake tits, fake lips, fake hair, etc. Dear god, I think she's hot. I can't help myself.

-Chris Rock presents an award. He makes fun of Mary Louise Parker's chances, and she wins.

-At this point I really start to lose interest.

-In my humble opinion, Pulp Fiction is the only thing saving John Travolta from becoming Tom Cruise.

-Was I inspired by the mere sight of Scarlet Johannsen to temporarily forgo my viewing in order to rub one out? I'll never tell.

-Leonardo Dicaprio took time off from fucking every cocktail waitress, startlet and super model on the face of the earth to hand out an award.

-Brokeback Mountain won for best picture. I'm sure "Bill the Apostle" has a full-on rager.

There was more, but who cares? And please read the post right under this one. I buried it fairly quickly and it would be nice if someone read it.


25 Comments:

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

Thank you for the rundown. It leaves my time open to watch sappy love story dvd's and still get the 411.

Blogger Knitty Kitty said...

I'm commenting, and I'm not drunk.

Just a slight buzz from flying and drinking on the plane.

Blogger katarina said...

I have to disagree. I do not think George Clooney is better looking than you.
And why is Leo DiCap giving out awards? What has he done lately?

Blogger Heather said...

What??? No comment about Jessica Alba?

Blogger Rachel said...

Did you notice they had to pan in on Drew B since she was working the SNE pretty hard in that green pool table dress.

Thrilled to see Brokeback Mountain win so many Golden Globes (the only reason I was interested) but have yet to see the movie - damn semi-rural communities, I'm sick of this tiny, whiney ass city.

Blogger Shannon said...

You answered the question "Who watches the Golden Globes?" for me. I heard Phillip Seymore Hoffman won for Capote, which makes me respect the awards a little more.

Blogger AWE said...

What's the Golden Globes? Is that something from the movie Brokeback Mountain?

Blogger MsHellion said...

Didn't Scarlett win an award for best supporting garment?

Blogger Tumbleweed said...

Thank you, thank you, I wanted the scoop but didn't want to have to watch the shit myself. I always love your take on things anyway, makes it more interesting!

Blogger The real me said...

I was thinking the same thing about Adrian Brody. Man, that guy's ugly!

The Courtney Love picture is enough to make me never visit your blog again, but since you blog often, she'll be outta my sight range in no time.

Blogger miss kendra said...

george clooney is from kentucky?

Blogger Ćœbermilf said...

Did you have to read a very intellectually-stimulating book before you watched, to prevent brain deterioration?

Blogger Blonde said...

DRew Barrymore needed to put a bra on.

Scarlet is hotter then hot...but you didn't rub one out to Jessica Alba?!?!?! I nearly rubbed one out to her and her hotness.

George Clooney is still one of the top 3 in my masturbatory fantasies. Hot Irishman from KY. I love all KY men ;).

I loved the movie Brokeback Mountain and glad that it one.

Blogger Bill the Apostle said...

Jesus would like it if you stopped writing about my penis.

Blogger yournamehere said...

pants,
I do all of this for you.

kitty,
okay, not stumbling drunk is a start. Buzzed isn't sober, but you're on your way.

kat,
You don't think Clooney is better looking than me? WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO TO GET YOU TO VEGAS?

heather,
I must have missed Jessica Alba. Can you believe it?

rachel,
the cameraman almost molested Drew.

shannon,
I only watched for the sake of this post, which isn't that good, to be honest.

awe,
Selma Hayek has some golden globes.

Blogger yournamehere said...

mshellion,
oh, she should have.

tumbleweed,
this is a public service. I don't know if I can sit through the Academy Awards, though.

real,
I blogged twice yesterday just to push that picture on down the page.

kendra,
Clooney and Johnny Dep. Both from Kentucky.

ubie,
no, I welcome brain deterioration. I'm happier already.

blonde,
I didn't see Jessica. I must have been "out of the room" when she appeared on screen. Tonight, however, I'll rub one out thinking about you rubbing one out to Jessica and her hotness.

bill,
I hope Jesus never finds my "secret" blog, which is all about your penis.

Blogger Bill the Apostle said...

I've got a blog about my penis too

Blogger Brookelina said...

I watched 24 and only turned on the Globes during commercials. Was Viggo there?

Blogger The real me said...

Egan - you haven't made it here yet, but I know you will... in response to your comment on the other post, I can't stand you either. (je t'aime) In fact I find you repulsive. (je t'adore) Come to think of it, just die. (cheri d'amour)


Todd, I doubt I'll ever respond directly to your blog. Maybe I should pay you rent? (Wait a minute... I just DID comment directly to you... Courtney Love... See?)

Blogger yournamehere said...

bill,
what a coincidence.

brooke,
I don't know. He could have made an appearance when I was "out of the room".

real,
yeah, thanks for that one direct comment.

Astute observations. A few of my thoughts:

I would fuck Adrian Brody in a heartbeat. I *heart* big noses.

Nicolette's balls are as big as her adam's apple.

John and Tom share very similar sets of man-boobies. It's not pretty I tell you. If they'd rub off on Pam Anderson she would've been saved several painful surgeries.

I jilled off for Scarlett. Ain't no shame in it.

Blogger Egan said...

The Real Me, the love is thick there. I love it when you speak French to me.

Todd, it appears you've been watching too much E! In other news our first issue of People arrived today. We are so in the know now. Take care.

Blogger katarina said...

You'd have to pay for it.
The trip, I mean.

Blogger Jo said...

This is a great idea Todd. Could you now watch the 2nd seasons of Lost and Desperate Housewives and give me the scoop there?

Blogger The real me said...

So the French thing works both ways, huh?
I'll have to remember that...

Todd. I directly respond many many times... if you'd only pay attention (sigh)...

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