Now I Shop at "Old" Von's

I've written in the past about the "dirty" Von's I used to go to when I first moved to the Las Vegas area. Dirty Von's is a distant, horrible memory now. These days I shop at Old Von's.

I don't call it Old Von's because the building is ancient. It's dubbed Old Von's because most of the customers are hovering around the century mark age-wise. There's an upscale retirement community near my neighborhood, and the fossils flock to Old Von's to buy deli soups, prunes, adult diapers, Cream of Wheat, and other old people staples.

Yes, these people are old AND they have money, so the collective sense of entitlement is enough to give Paris Hilton pink-eye. The parking lot is more dangerous than any Las Vegas freeway, because these people don't think they should have to lower themselves by using a turn signal, stopping for stop signs, or looking at all when they back out of a parking spot. This lot is fraught with peril, I tell you.

Their questionable automobile skills transfer to the inside of the store, where they wield their carts with reckless abandon. The other day a woman, who was so old her first dildo was made of wood, slammed right into my stationary cart as I perused the soup aisle. Then she had the fucking gall to give me the stink eye. My cart was pushed to the side of the aisle with plenty of room for her to get through, and she shook her head at me so vigorously the folds of skin on her neck made the sound of leaves falling from a tree; thus making me homesick for autumn in the Midwest.

The last time I was there, an elderly couple were making out in front of the produce. I guess brussel sprouts are like Spanish Fly to old people, because they were going at it so hard I thought I'd be killed by flying denture shrapnel. The woman actually moaned a little, and I couldn't help but wonder if she was still capable of wetness, or if her wrinkled souse-curtains remained as dry as July in Vegas.

I complain, but the store is sparkling clean, well-stocked, and always has plenty of checkouts open, mostly because the obnoxious old fuckers who shop there wouldn't have it any other way. I'm glad they serve some purpose other than geriatric porn.