Friday, January 20, 2006
Now I Shop at "Old" Von's
I've written in the past about the "dirty" Von's I used to go to when I first moved to the Las Vegas area. Dirty Von's is a distant, horrible memory now. These days I shop at Old Von's.

I don't call it Old Von's because the building is ancient. It's dubbed Old Von's because most of the customers are hovering around the century mark age-wise. There's an upscale retirement community near my neighborhood, and the fossils flock to Old Von's to buy deli soups, prunes, adult diapers, Cream of Wheat, and other old people staples.

Yes, these people are old AND they have money, so the collective sense of entitlement is enough to give Paris Hilton pink-eye. The parking lot is more dangerous than any Las Vegas freeway, because these people don't think they should have to lower themselves by using a turn signal, stopping for stop signs, or looking at all when they back out of a parking spot. This lot is fraught with peril, I tell you.

Their questionable automobile skills transfer to the inside of the store, where they wield their carts with reckless abandon. The other day a woman, who was so old her first dildo was made of wood, slammed right into my stationary cart as I perused the soup aisle. Then she had the fucking gall to give me the stink eye. My cart was pushed to the side of the aisle with plenty of room for her to get through, and she shook her head at me so vigorously the folds of skin on her neck made the sound of leaves falling from a tree; thus making me homesick for autumn in the Midwest.

The last time I was there, an elderly couple were making out in front of the produce. I guess brussel sprouts are like Spanish Fly to old people, because they were going at it so hard I thought I'd be killed by flying denture shrapnel. The woman actually moaned a little, and I couldn't help but wonder if she was still capable of wetness, or if her wrinkled souse-curtains remained as dry as July in Vegas.

I complain, but the store is sparkling clean, well-stocked, and always has plenty of checkouts open, mostly because the obnoxious old fuckers who shop there wouldn't have it any other way. I'm glad they serve some purpose other than geriatric porn.


Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

Next time someone crashes into your stationary grocery cart you should punch 'em in the belly. You know, really teach 'em a lesson.

Blogger Nick said...

I fucking agree. Tell her you work for the nursing home council and you've come to get her. Tell her that her ungrateful children hate her and they don't want to deal with her anymore.

Blogger Nick said...

Also, I answered your question.

Blogger AWE said...

That gives new meaning to a spill on aisle 5.

Blogger ItsTJoint said...

I think that old lasy just wanted some ointment ASAP from the splinters she got using that wooden dildo.

Blogger Spirit Of Owl said...

It's the Stepford Fogies.

Blogger Cincysundevil said...

I felt a bit of vomit in my throat thinking of two old people getting hot and bothered in front of the brussel sprouts

Anonymous Anonymous said...

All of you just imagine if they were YOUR grandparents!

Blogger Jo said...

Old folks getting it on is sweet, people. Let's all hope we're still getting some when we're all wrinkley and gross.

My grocery store is filled with people who speak Spanish. Or, umm... Cuban? Is that a language? Anyhow, I've no clue what the fuck they're all talking about. Probably about how they wish they could get it on with me in front of the brussel sprouts.

Blogger miss kendra said...

old people are bitter because they can't get wet.

next time an old lady is bitchy you should offer her k-y and just wait.

Blogger Slutbag said...

wouldn't you get splinters from a wooden dildo...or does the 'man' in the relationship sand it before he gives it to the woman

Blogger Princess Steph said...

and now i want to vomit.

Blogger megan said...

eww. too many horrifying mental pictures, but funny just the same.

Blogger Claudia said...

Why, why, Todd??!

See the line:


You crossed it.


Blogger Brookelina said...

1. I like Cream of Wheat.

2. The image of a wooden dildo made me spit my soda out. When will I learn to put my beverages away before coming here?

Blogger Rachel said...

LMAO, I love you so.

I agree that the mental image of two elderlies makin' out just about made me gag. It's like thinking of my parent's getting it on...ewwwww.

Have I ever mentioned to you that I am horrible at backing up, while driving that is ;)

Blogger yournamehere said...

a kick to the belly would be much more painful.

that could be a blanket statement regarding all old people.

they're used to cleaning up bodily fluids, but usually it's urine.

or someone to individually pick the splinters out.

spirt of,
totally. They all shop at Gap for Old People.

yeah, sorry about that.

ugh. My grandparents are dead.

wow, it's always about you, isn't it? Maybe the Cubans are talking about their jobs or families or the high price of red peppers. Do they have to be talking about banging you in front of produce? Ha, I love messing with you.

Blogger yournamehere said...

if I offered her k-y, I certainly wouldn't wait around...I'd run like hell.

I believe a hypoallergenic varnish would be applied.

but do you still love me?

I'll accept horrifying but funny.

they crossed the line. Don't kill the messenger.

I like Cream of Wheat, too. If I ever meet you, you'll have to do a spit-take for me.

I'll bet you're pretty damn good at backing up.

Blogger Jo said...

What? Are you new? OF COURSE it's always about me. As a matter of fact, I'll bet that's why the old people run into you... they're dizzy from rotating around me all day.

Blogger Sindy said...

I am utterly disillusioned by the 'stink eye'..Thanks for the mental candy Todd...What would I do without you.??

Blogger Nick said...

Too true.

Blogger Ćœbermilf said...

Maybe that's how old ladies flirt?

Blogger katarina said...

The check-out is always empty because the old people forget what they were doing and just keep roaming about aimlessly.

Blogger yournamehere said...

yes, and all of my posts are about you, even the ones I wrote before I knew you existed.

no, the question is: What would you do with me?


no, the loud head shaking was clearly a hostile move.

that could be. It's open twenty four hours a day, so they never have to leave if they don't want.

Blogger Princess Steph said...

I love you more now than ever Todd.

Blogger yournamehere said...

that is the main reason I blog, babe.

Blogger Sam said...

OMG. Souse curtains. The imagery is so good I think I might be sick. Great job!

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