Tuesday, January 31, 2006
Shiny Happy Bloggers Holding Hands
It has been brought to my attention that I have been a tad negative lately. The word "bitchy" was even used. I'm sorry if the prospect of living the rest of my life utterly alone has dampened my mood and thus made my blog a little less enjoyable than it might otherwise be, so on Monday I decided to have a better attitude. It's amazing what a positive attitude can do for a gent.

My Positive Day in Review

As I was driving to work at the perfectly reasonable time of 4:45 am, there were only two cars on the road: Mine and the one that pulled out in front of me going twenty miles an hour in a forty five zone. I calmly braked to avoid sending either of us to heaven before St. Peter had our bed made. The gentleman in the aforementioned vehicle thrust his middle finger at me as I passed him in the passing lane; it was then I realized that he was just trying to save me money on gas. After all, nothing says "gas guzzler" like someone who drives the posted speed limit. Shame on me. I was being an environmental terrorist.

The customers at Home Depot were simply lovely this fine day. Please, why waste valuable time and energy to go to a bathroom or walk outside when the floor screams "Spit on me"? Why wear a constricting belt and deprive the world of the wonders of the human ass? Some people see a hairy butt crevice; I see a cracked window to the soul.

Later in the day, as I walked through the aisles of my friendly neighborhood Wal-Mart, I was pleased to see that so many young ladies took heed of God's advice to "go forth and multiply." The delightful piper's song of the children crying in unison was sweet music to my ears; and the undercooked Big Mac I consumed at their McDonald's reminded me, by making me violently ill, that I've really been neglecting my diet lately. Thanks for the culinary wake up call, Mickey D's!

When I got home I watched my beloved University of Louisville basketball team, preseason ranked number four, lose their fourth straight game and fifth out of the last six. What a valuable learning experience it is for these young men to suffer one devastating setback after another, most in front of a national television audience. The character-building is off the charts, people. They will learn humility and....well, more humility. They are so lucky.

As I laid motionless in a pool of my own sweat, still feeling the results of my tainted lunch, I thought about how much time I'd save by being too nauseous to eat dinner. Hellllllo, weight loss.

Everyone have a wonderful Tuesday. It's "Two-fer Tuesday" at the local classic rock radio station, and that, my blog buddies, means back to back Foghat.


42 Comments:

Blogger Claudia said...

I have what looks more like a bay window to my soul.

Watch out for the McSweats.

Blogger Kath said...

Who are you and what have you done with Todd??

Blogger Ilovebawlz said...

asscracks are fun! It's like a game of skee-ball, if you ask me!

Blogger Nick said...

you are so peachy, Todd.

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

Happiness is overrated.

Blogger Sindy said...

umm..4:45
its so wrong.

Blogger Spirit Of Owl said...

Look at that. Foghat are a whole band of Lemmys.

By the way, you felt nauseated, not nauseous. I learned this recently on Citizen of the Month, and I know you'll appreciate me passing it on.

Blogger Egan said...

I love the attitude change. The power of positive thinking is truly amazing. Tuesday is going to splendid indeed. 4:45am huh? How wonderful.

Blogger katarina said...

God, I love it when you talk positive to me.

Blogger tlsd said...

4:45!!! WTF?

No wonder you're such a whinge bag...

Your mood swing disturbs me... you'll be exclaiming that we should let god's love shine in our hearts next...

Blogger Brookelina said...

I am now ready to go out and start my day.

Blogger Mushy said...

I agree with melliferous pants: happiness is overrated.
It is my theory that people have evolved to think that honesty is a bad thing. I don't think many of your true fans/friends would disagree (not completely anyway).

I think every radio station in the country is run by the same people. No matter what city I'm in, on Tuesday, it's "two-fer tuesday" on the Classic Rock station.


And what exactly qualifies a song as "classic"? I heard Pearl Jam and GnR on there the other day.... surely I'm not that old...

Blogger Lushy said...

Do you have to count the points if you vomit McD's? Just wondering.

Blogger SalamiSalome said...

Wait,you forgot to include the part where the permanent scowl on your face is perceived by others as a glowing radiance and invitation to open communication...or something like that...either way, new to your blog by way of another, and I gotta say I love the negativity. It feels good, not good like an ice cream Sunday good, but good like popping a blister good. And the world needs more of that kind of good.

Blogger Übermilf said...

You make me feel alive inside.

Blogger Rachel said...

Toddiekins, are you having bad days?

Come see me and all will be right with the world.

Blogger Onyx said...

Yeah, I agree with the 4:45 comments. You have a right to be angry.

Maybe you should make a stop at your local stripper joint. I bet that'd make you happier. Just make sure you don't stop off at McD's first. The strippers get kind of angry when you vomit on them.

Have a lovely Tuesday!

Blogger MsHellion said...

Happiness is a mild form of dementia. Who needs that shit?

Blogger Trix said...

I think you need to come to Chicago & get that drink. Hopefully, that will cheer you up. But if it doesn't, I'll show you my boobs.

Blogger Egan said...

Who's up for a trip to Chicago?

Blogger Egan said...

Bill O'Reilly sends his love.

And yes, that was a joke.

Blogger Monkey said...

I keep getting hypnotized by Trix's bum. I've got my comment ready and.... nothing.

However... looks like things are just ducky and peachy keen in the new Land of Todd. And I say... those little blobs of spit? Why just look at them sparkle and shine!

Blogger miss kendra said...

i found this disturbing.

please return to your regularly scheduled motherfuckery.

Blogger JJ said...

I liked you better the way you were, but the "cracked window to the soul" line is going in my collection of things to claim I said first.

Blogger AWE said...

You need another trip to the Party Hut, wear your cammo this time.

Blogger Übermilf said...

Come to Chicago! Trix can show you all of her attractive body parts, and I can make you lunch. With martinis and cupcakes!

Blogger Dr. Chingasa said...

Do we get any cheese with that w(h)ine?

Blogger JackassJimmy said...

Todd-

No one does sarcasm like you. You're the man. Keep up the good work!

Cheers,
JJ

Blogger yournamehere said...

claudia,
I'd look through your bay window anytime.

kath,
it's me, I swear.

bawlz,
don't you mean skee-bawlz?

nick,
super kean reply.

pants,
okay, you have a point there.

sindy,
I should be coming home from your place at 4:45.

owl,
thank you for correcting me, my friend.

egan,
way to embrace the concept, man.

kat,
I'm positive I want you.

tlsd,
even though you just insulted me, I love "whinge bag" as a phrase.

Blogger yournamehere said...

brooke,
I hope your day went swimmingly.

mushy,
I was raised to be polite, and I am very polite away from the blog. But nice and polite are two different things.

roberto,
all classic rock DJ's sound exactly alike.

lushy,
yes, because the part that makes you gain weight stays put.

salamisalome,
I'm not always miserable; I just think negativity is funny.

ubie,
if I pretend it wasn't sarcasm that comment just totally made my day.

rachel,
I'm happy just thinking about how happy I'd be if I met you.

onyx,
I'm a white American male. I have NO right at all to be angry. But angry is funny.

ms. hellion,
how about contentment? Please?

Blogger little ol' me? said...

Bring back the "real" Todd...

4:45 am...in my world this is called "stupid o'clock"...

Blogger yournamehere said...

Trix,
I have a feeling that drink wouldn't come close to cheering me up, so I'll have to see those boobs. Over and over again.

egan,
I've never wanted to travel more in my entire life.

monkey,
every time I see your profile pic I smile a little bit. Unless I'm really pissed about something.

kendra,
I wouldn't want to disturb you. Or would I?

jj,
you use my wit to pick up chicks, don't you?

awe,
dawg, Party Hut is tight and shit.

ubie,
can Trix show me her boobs while I eat cupcakes and drink martinis? And can I place something over my lap to hide the massive erection I'll have from being so deliriously happy?

dr. chingasa,
yeah, you can have some fromunda cheese.

jj,
sarcasm?

Blogger Egan said...

I can gift you some miles man. To Chicago we go to see some Trix.

Blogger tango jellybean said...

"Tainted Lunch" is my favorite song by Soft Cell. Thanks for the guilt trip, er I mean, call the other night to shake me back into blogging.

Blogger Jo said...

I'm in a pissy mood, Todd. You're not helping. Now I'm angry, frustrated AND sad.

Blogger yournamehere said...

egan,
I actually was planning a trip to Chicago in April for an unrelated reason. Dude, if you have miles, my poor ass could use some.

amie,
you're back, huh? We'll see.

jo,
did I make you angry, frustrated, sad, or all of the above? I certainly didn't mean to.

Blogger Trix said...

Hey, Todd. Drop me an email. Since you never leave me yours, you've left me no choice but to proposition you via your comments. Oh, how did I sink so low?

You can find it on my site.

Blogger Egan said...

I would love to donate some airmiles to you Todd. Let me see if there's anything I can do.

-meet me in the crowd, people...people, throw your love around...happy...

Blogger Crystal said...

YeGods. You need to sacrifice a goat or a virgin.

I'd wager a goat would be much easier to find.

Blogger yournamehere said...

little o' me,
hey, your comment was sandwiched between my long replies. The real Todd is already back.

trix,
I'm glad you "sank so low". It's the only way I'd have a chance.

egan,
I'll bet you have a lovely singing voice.

canoworms,
not a lot of goats in Vegas, either. Maybe there's a petting zoo.

Blogger Cincysundevil said...

Maybe there is something in the air at Wal-Mart that makes people who shop there regularly breed like rabbits. Maybe they've got spanish fly in a mist form?

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