Shiny Happy Bloggers Holding Hands

It has been brought to my attention that I have been a tad negative lately. The word "bitchy" was even used. I'm sorry if the prospect of living the rest of my life utterly alone has dampened my mood and thus made my blog a little less enjoyable than it might otherwise be, so on Monday I decided to have a better attitude. It's amazing what a positive attitude can do for a gent.

My Positive Day in Review

As I was driving to work at the perfectly reasonable time of 4:45 am, there were only two cars on the road: Mine and the one that pulled out in front of me going twenty miles an hour in a forty five zone. I calmly braked to avoid sending either of us to heaven before St. Peter had our bed made. The gentleman in the aforementioned vehicle thrust his middle finger at me as I passed him in the passing lane; it was then I realized that he was just trying to save me money on gas. After all, nothing says "gas guzzler" like someone who drives the posted speed limit. Shame on me. I was being an environmental terrorist.

The customers at Home Depot were simply lovely this fine day. Please, why waste valuable time and energy to go to a bathroom or walk outside when the floor screams "Spit on me"? Why wear a constricting belt and deprive the world of the wonders of the human ass? Some people see a hairy butt crevice; I see a cracked window to the soul.

Later in the day, as I walked through the aisles of my friendly neighborhood Wal-Mart, I was pleased to see that so many young ladies took heed of God's advice to "go forth and multiply." The delightful piper's song of the children crying in unison was sweet music to my ears; and the undercooked Big Mac I consumed at their McDonald's reminded me, by making me violently ill, that I've really been neglecting my diet lately. Thanks for the culinary wake up call, Mickey D's!

When I got home I watched my beloved University of Louisville basketball team, preseason ranked number four, lose their fourth straight game and fifth out of the last six. What a valuable learning experience it is for these young men to suffer one devastating setback after another, most in front of a national television audience. The character-building is off the charts, people. They will learn humility and....well, more humility. They are so lucky.

As I laid motionless in a pool of my own sweat, still feeling the results of my tainted lunch, I thought about how much time I'd save by being too nauseous to eat dinner. Hellllllo, weight loss.

Everyone have a wonderful Tuesday. It's "Two-fer Tuesday" at the local classic rock radio station, and that, my blog buddies, means back to back Foghat.