I Don't Know if Wal-Mart is Evil, But it Does Suck

I was bored at work on Friday, so I left and wandered around Wal-Mart for about thirty minutes. Yes, this is some existence I've whittled for myself. Anyway, I noticed a few things I'd like to talk about in this forum.

The greeter is selective about who he greets.
This isn't a job that requires a huge amount of multi-tasking. A World War Two veteran finally earns his reward for storming the beach at Normandy by being paid minimum wage to stand at the entrance and welcome the throng of unwashed shoppers; but the guy at this Wal-Mart only spoke to the very old and the very young. He had no time for anyone between twelve and seventy. He tried to give all of the little kids a sticker, but he frightened most of them with his shaky, wrinkled hands and his old man smell (imagine a pile of wet cardboard).

If I live to be that old I'm going to stand at the door with my fly wide open. Will anyone tell an old man his barn door isn't shut? We'll see.

I'm no fashion plate, but for God's sake people, don't dress with your eyes closed.
The fashion atrocities almost overwhelmed me. Wal-Mart and the DMV are about the only places you can find someone wearing a tye-dyed shirt these days; but these aren't the colorful ones handmade by hippies and sold at art fairs. These are the dull mass produced piles of dung sold at outlet malls in and around Branson, Missouri. Also, any woman old enough to remember when "I Love Lucy" wasn't in reruns needs to not show her cleavage. "Is that cleavage, or are you trying to shoplift two bags of prunes?" And pop culture update: The trucker hat as ironic hipster icon was killed by Ashton Kutcher and Paris Hilton. Now you just look like the guy who operates the fried dough booth at the county fair.

You don't have to have a kid every time you fuck. No, really.
Thanks to the miracle of birth control, people can have sex without a resulting pregnancy. A lot of Wal-Mart people aren't aware of this, however. I think some of these toe-rags get knocked up just by sniffing cock. Hey, if you're going to burden society with four or five quasi-literate future morons, at least try to space them out a little bit, you assembly-line cunted dippoop. Spending the entirety of your twenties at some stage of knocked-upness won't convince God to forgive you for blowing your cousin on Thanksgiving when you were fifteen.


Remember when DVD two-packs made sense?
Just a few years ago, those DVD two-packs were very logical. They'd put Die Hard and Die Hard 2 in the same package, for instance. Now Wal-Mart just puts any two films together. "Oh, look; Full Metal Jacket and Bring it On, together at last. And here's Christmas With the Krumps with Million Dollar Baby. Cool."

Profanity is okay in movies. On CD's, not so much.
If you want to buy Eminem's greatest hits CD at Wal-Mart, the edited version is the only one available to you. Wal-Mart DOES NOT offer any "dirty" CD's. But do you want the film Scarface, where Al Pacino yells "Fuck" about a million times? That's perfectly acceptable.

I didn't make it past electronics. For the sake of what's left of my sanity, I went back to work.

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