Saturday, January 28, 2006
I Don't Know if Wal-Mart is Evil, But it Does Suck
I was bored at work on Friday, so I left and wandered around Wal-Mart for about thirty minutes. Yes, this is some existence I've whittled for myself. Anyway, I noticed a few things I'd like to talk about in this forum.

The greeter is selective about who he greets.
This isn't a job that requires a huge amount of multi-tasking. A World War Two veteran finally earns his reward for storming the beach at Normandy by being paid minimum wage to stand at the entrance and welcome the throng of unwashed shoppers; but the guy at this Wal-Mart only spoke to the very old and the very young. He had no time for anyone between twelve and seventy. He tried to give all of the little kids a sticker, but he frightened most of them with his shaky, wrinkled hands and his old man smell (imagine a pile of wet cardboard).

If I live to be that old I'm going to stand at the door with my fly wide open. Will anyone tell an old man his barn door isn't shut? We'll see.

I'm no fashion plate, but for God's sake people, don't dress with your eyes closed.
The fashion atrocities almost overwhelmed me. Wal-Mart and the DMV are about the only places you can find someone wearing a tye-dyed shirt these days; but these aren't the colorful ones handmade by hippies and sold at art fairs. These are the dull mass produced piles of dung sold at outlet malls in and around Branson, Missouri. Also, any woman old enough to remember when "I Love Lucy" wasn't in reruns needs to not show her cleavage. "Is that cleavage, or are you trying to shoplift two bags of prunes?" And pop culture update: The trucker hat as ironic hipster icon was killed by Ashton Kutcher and Paris Hilton. Now you just look like the guy who operates the fried dough booth at the county fair.

You don't have to have a kid every time you fuck. No, really.
Thanks to the miracle of birth control, people can have sex without a resulting pregnancy. A lot of Wal-Mart people aren't aware of this, however. I think some of these toe-rags get knocked up just by sniffing cock. Hey, if you're going to burden society with four or five quasi-literate future morons, at least try to space them out a little bit, you assembly-line cunted dippoop. Spending the entirety of your twenties at some stage of knocked-upness won't convince God to forgive you for blowing your cousin on Thanksgiving when you were fifteen.


Remember when DVD two-packs made sense?
Just a few years ago, those DVD two-packs were very logical. They'd put Die Hard and Die Hard 2 in the same package, for instance. Now Wal-Mart just puts any two films together. "Oh, look; Full Metal Jacket and Bring it On, together at last. And here's Christmas With the Krumps with Million Dollar Baby. Cool."

Profanity is okay in movies. On CD's, not so much.
If you want to buy Eminem's greatest hits CD at Wal-Mart, the edited version is the only one available to you. Wal-Mart DOES NOT offer any "dirty" CD's. But do you want the film Scarface, where Al Pacino yells "Fuck" about a million times? That's perfectly acceptable.

I didn't make it past electronics. For the sake of what's left of my sanity, I went back to work.

Shameless plug: If you haven't played the "Remember when..." game yet, please scroll down and do so. Oh, and I'm thinking about selling vegASS t-shirts.


38 Comments:

Blogger Monalicious said...

Oh my god, this is how I feel when I go into Target. I get about halfway through the store before I abandon my cart and run out shaking.

Blogger Nick said...

Ah the joys of abberant humanity.

Why the fuck is everyone bagging on Branson lately? What the fuck did Branson do to you, except provide you with the opportunity to see many stars slightly past their prime in a 6 block radius. Fucking ingrate.

Also "bags of prunes" made my spleen burst.

Blogger Spirit Of Owl said...

If that bloke's mother had been told that her son's fate was to descend to a pile of wet cardboard frightening children with stickers, what ever would she have thought?

And Pacino says fuck much better than Eminem. It's like the difference between a dick pic in Gay Times and the David statue. One's valuable art, the other's some old flint.

Blogger Bill the Apostle said...

Jesus loves you

Blogger Ian McGibboney said...

This post is the reason why I read blogs. Here are a couple of atypical reasons why I don't like Wal-Mart:

1) The only windshield-washer fluid they offer is the super-toxic kind that could have put Dean Martin in an ethanol coma. On top of all that, it sucks. I can buy a non-toxic brand at Albertson's for 99 cents, and it works much better.

2) When the 24-hour supercenter opened here, it ran nearly every other 24-hour store out of business. Then, after Hurricane Katrina, it started shutting down at night as well. I'm a night person, and I don't appreciate that.

3) One of the clerks there once tried to save me, after admonshing some off-duty strippers in front of me for buying cigarettes.

4) Even at age 23, and being a man, I was almost abducted in the parking lot.

5) I have been in Wal-Marts all across rural Louisiana, and the experiences made me question evolution.

Blogger megan said...

I went to wal-mart today, and I thought that if I even breathed too hard on the greater, that he would disintegrate!

Blogger WunEyedDog said...

I hate Wal-mart with a passion. And it's put everything else in this godforsaken town out of business. It's like the only place to shop. I used to live across from one in Chicago that was pretty shady, now I'm in rural South Carolina and the Mall-Wart here makes that one look like a fucking palace.

Blogger Debby said...

Awwww, c'mon now, I want to be a Wal-Mart greeter. I've always imagined it would go something like this: "Welcome to Walmart, here's your cart, give us your money, and get the fuck out you moron!"

Blogger Rachel said...

Now you just look like the guy who operates the fried dough booth at the county fair.

LMAO, gawd I love you!

Blogger Crystal said...

Wal-Mart bashing is pretty popular these days and it is WELL justified. That company is so unbelieveably rich & powerful but they simply aren't sharing the wealth with employees, even their "managers" live basically at the poverty line! God Save America from Wal-Mart!

Blogger Amarula Dreams said...

"You don't have to have a kid every time you fuck." Brilliant.

Right up there with one of my all-time favorite song lyrics: "I've been around the world and found that only stupid people are breeding..."

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

Wal-Mart is so evil I don't know where to begin. When I read "Nickel and Dimed" I dreamt about bombing Wal-Mart for weeks.

Blogger Chris said...

We're gonna be swamped by "mouth breathers" in about 25 years at this rate.

We need to get smart, intelligent folk fucking! And soon people.

Blogger Brookelina said...

I have never been in a Wal-Mart. I'm a Target girl.

Blogger aughra said...

I think that I would buy Full Metal Jacket and Bring it On together, if I didn't already have them seperately. That just sounds like a nice afternoon.

Blogger yournamehere said...

monalicious,
I can handle Target. Hey, would you like to go out for a REALLY strong drink sometime?

nick,
congrats on your new job with the Branson Chamber of Commerce.

owl,
I love the word "bloke" and will attempt to use it more often.
Yes, Al Pacino is more talented than Eminem, but I still don't see why music is censored and movies aren't.

bill,
I'll remember that on my next dateless Saturday night.

ian,
the charm of small-town America? Destroyed by Wal-Mart. All small towns (except the ones who've successfully fought to keep Wal-Mart out) look exactly the same now.

megan,
wow. Disintegrate? What did you drink the night before?

wuneye,
Wal-Mart can't destroy Chicago, but it can fuck up a small town like nobody's business.

debby,
if a Wal-Mart greeter said that to me, I would laugh out loud and thank them for the honesty.

Blogger yournamehere said...

rachel,
I love you, too. I want to wander around the county fair for hours, laughing and eating fried dough.

crystal,
a lot of retail stores do business that way, unfortunately. Most of them, of course, don't hire as many people as Wal-Mart. Wal-Mart likes to schedule people for thirty-one hours a week so they aren't eligible for benefits.

amarula dreams,
I love that lyric, from "Flagpole Sitta" by Harvey Danger. Thanks for your comment and hope you come by again.

pants,
you dreamt about bombing Wal-Mart? I dreamt you were bombed in a Wal-Mart (and white trash guys were drinking Old Mil out of your boot). What a coincidence.

chris,
I was watching HBO and saw a profile on a porn star with an IQ of 165. She does a lot of fucking, but no procreating as of yet.

brooke,
never ever? I admire your conviction. (Note: "I admire your conviction" is guy-speak for "I want to have sex with you.")

aughra,
it certainly would put the problems of those cheerleaders in perspective.

Blogger Nick said...

My job is so easy, fucking Branson sells itself yo.

Blogger diadima said...

of course walmart is evil.

didn't you see that south park episode?

"oooh the bargains, the barGAINS!!!"

Blogger Randi said...

buying an edited version of eminems cd is pointless...all you would get is a beat...no words...

Blogger Spinning Girl said...

I just blew soda out of my nose on the Walmarters-procreating bit. Holy crap.

Blogger Rachel said...

Todd, it's a date!

Blogger WhiteBoyBob said...

Spooky, I just watched Full Metal Jacket tonight. Suffice to say that post was as funny as fuck.

Regarding to whole open fly thing, my father-in-law always says, "Dead birds don't fall out of nests."

Blogger yournamehere said...

nick,
yeah, it's kind of like being a bartender at a strip club. All of the cash, none of the shaking ass.

diadima,
most of the time I pay extra for groceries just to avoid the place. And I'm poor.

randi,
I like to play the edited enimen at parties and make up my own lyrics.

spinning girl,
I wish you'd hold me like you hold monkey, that's all I'm saying.

rachel,
I conveniently left out the part where we buy a dozen donuts and go to a secluded area behind the beer tent to play "ring toss".

bob,
your father-in-law is wise, maybe even sage-like.

Blogger Jo said...

I'll never understand you Walmart haters. What you outta do is live out of the country for a few years... you'll LOVE Walmart then! I can easily spend hours in there just looking at the full shelves and beaming happily.

I've noticed that the Walmart greeters here don't greet. They sneer. If they bother to look at you at all. I love Miami :-)

Blogger Kris said...

Oh yeah. Next time, spend some time in the candy aisle and watch moms BEAT THE CRAP OUT OF THEIR KIDS TRYING TO PULL CANDY INTO THEIR CARTS.

Stellar social experiment. Ugh.

Blogger Ilovebawlz said...

omfg, I hate wal-mart. omfg.

I had to go the other day, and it was godawful. AAAAnd there were only like three lanes open at 7pm on a fuckin' Tuesday. What the hell is that shit?

It surely made carrying my dresser across my lawn like Jesus a whole lot merrier. ;)

(sheeee's baaaack...)

Blogger Claudia said...

Whew, thanks for the warning Todd.

I better stop sniffing that stuff.

That could have gotten ugly...literally...ugly little moronic children running around smelling like cock.

Blogger yournamehere said...

jo,
I'm sure Wal-Mart is a little slice of heaven when you've been living in a mud hut somewhere south of the equator. But this is America, and I prefer Target. I mean, if I was starving to death I'd eat a dog's asshole, but I wouldn't like it.

kris,
sometimes when the mother and child have a tug of war over the candy and the bag rips open, I help myself to a pocketful of fun size Snickers.

bawlz,
I'll bet you're way cuter than Jesus.

claudia,
you're not a toe-rag, so feel free to sniff cock to your heart's content.

Blogger Ilovebawlz said...

but just as bloody!

Blogger yournamehere said...

Bawlz,
are you talking "Made-for-TV Easter weekend movie" bloody, or "The Passion of the Christ" bloody?

Blogger Ilovebawlz said...

Well, I've never seen the Passion, but I'm going to assume the blood factor is much gorier in that one, so I'll take Door #2, please.

Blogger Cincysundevil said...

You know, I've been trying to come up with a subtle way of saying that just because you fuck, you don't have to have a kid ... damnit, you always find those gentle euphemisms I can't quite come up with!

Blogger AWE said...

Remember where I fucking live and think about what I have to endure when I go to Wal-Mart.

A friend of mine used to work there, he said that at the first of the month when the Gov. checks were released the people that were on "Relief" came in. They would get dressed up in their best wife beater and bring every fucking relative that they know with them, most of them tried to smoke while they were in the store or they would spit in the trash cans on the shelf, so would their husbands.

Blogger Princess Steph said...

ok walmart is evil and i avoid it at any cost, but i did wander in there this weekend and the very nice young man in line in front of me paid for my purchase - see there are some good people out there!

Blogger your anti-hero said...

I feel your pain. Now take your WalMart experience and add the fact that anyone that ever shopped at WalMart fitting that description, was born in my town. They are all kin.

Blogger tlsd said...

...Wal-Mart chumps...

Over here(uk) we call 'em chavscum... they're everywhere...

http://www.chavscum.co.uk/

Blogger yournamehere said...

bawlz,
too bad. There was a new Mercedes behind door number one.

cincy,
I am a master of subtlety.

awe,
no retail outlet is safe from cretinous asses.

princess,
yes, there all sorts of good people out there who think you're hot.

anti-h,
ouch. Sorry to hear that.

tlsd,
I'll have to use that term.

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