Can beggars really be choosers? I guess so, because there are some things I look for in a member of the opposite sex. This list has been going around, but the last place I saw it was at Trix's blog.
Keep in mind I am a very desperate man as far as the whole "wanting to have sex again before the earth spins off its axis and heads toward the sun" thing. I'm a little more selective when it comes to a real relationship.
1. Intelligence
She doesn't have to be in Mensa or anything, but the ability to hold a conversation is fairly important to me. I'm also not one of those assholes who doesn't want to date anyone who's smarter. Please, be smarter than me and teach me things.
2. Sense of Humor
When a woman really makes me laugh I love her right away. It also helps when someone "gets" me. I can be sort of strange sometimes.
3. Integrity
When she goes out with the girls I know flirting will occur. That's good; that's healthy. Blowing a guy in the men's room? Not so healthy. I'd much rather be dumped than cheated on.
4. Appreciates her own space and gives me mine
I am not overtly macho. I won't be running with the bulls anytime soon. But I do like watching selected sporting events at a bar screaming obscenities like a buffoon. If that isn't something she enjoys, fine, but let me have my fun and I promise I won't bitch and moan when she pursues her interests.
5. Puts up with some of my shit
Everyone has annoying traits and habits. I have them in abundance and with a fuckin' vengeance. My ideal partner would be able to see beyond my faults and appreciate my better qualities. I would in turn show her the same courtesy.
6. Doesn't put up with all of my shit
I want, no I need, someone to call my bullshit. Everyone needs this. The person who doesn't have their bullshit called on a regular basis eventually becomes a fucking prick.
7. Kindness (believe it or not)
I swear to god I wouldn't date Jessica Alba if we went out to dinner and she was rude to the server. Yeah, I'd still fuck her but I totally wouldn't call her again. God damn, nothing pisses me off more than that shit. Despite what you think you might know about me from reading this blog, I try to treat people the way I'd like to be treated.
8. My penis should spend a lot of time in her mouth
Sorry, this is the superficial one, so give me a break. I want blowjobs, damn it. First of all, I love going south o' the border on a woman and I'm not half bad at it, either; so how about stepping up to the mic every now and then?
A few that didn't make the list:
Must know all of the words to "New York Groove" by Ace Frehley.
Must have a big ass I can go all "Bad Santa" on.
Must set me up with two threesomes a year.
Can't think Gallager is funny.
That is all.
Note: The "few that didn't make the list" were a joke, comic relief if you will. I don't expect any threesomes. It's damn near impossible for me to find ONE woman.
Keep in mind I am a very desperate man as far as the whole "wanting to have sex again before the earth spins off its axis and heads toward the sun" thing. I'm a little more selective when it comes to a real relationship.
1. Intelligence
She doesn't have to be in Mensa or anything, but the ability to hold a conversation is fairly important to me. I'm also not one of those assholes who doesn't want to date anyone who's smarter. Please, be smarter than me and teach me things.
2. Sense of Humor
When a woman really makes me laugh I love her right away. It also helps when someone "gets" me. I can be sort of strange sometimes.
3. Integrity
When she goes out with the girls I know flirting will occur. That's good; that's healthy. Blowing a guy in the men's room? Not so healthy. I'd much rather be dumped than cheated on.
4. Appreciates her own space and gives me mine
I am not overtly macho. I won't be running with the bulls anytime soon. But I do like watching selected sporting events at a bar screaming obscenities like a buffoon. If that isn't something she enjoys, fine, but let me have my fun and I promise I won't bitch and moan when she pursues her interests.
5. Puts up with some of my shit
Everyone has annoying traits and habits. I have them in abundance and with a fuckin' vengeance. My ideal partner would be able to see beyond my faults and appreciate my better qualities. I would in turn show her the same courtesy.
6. Doesn't put up with all of my shit
I want, no I need, someone to call my bullshit. Everyone needs this. The person who doesn't have their bullshit called on a regular basis eventually becomes a fucking prick.
7. Kindness (believe it or not)
I swear to god I wouldn't date Jessica Alba if we went out to dinner and she was rude to the server. Yeah, I'd still fuck her but I totally wouldn't call her again. God damn, nothing pisses me off more than that shit. Despite what you think you might know about me from reading this blog, I try to treat people the way I'd like to be treated.
8. My penis should spend a lot of time in her mouth
Sorry, this is the superficial one, so give me a break. I want blowjobs, damn it. First of all, I love going south o' the border on a woman and I'm not half bad at it, either; so how about stepping up to the mic every now and then?
A few that didn't make the list:
Must know all of the words to "New York Groove" by Ace Frehley.
Must have a big ass I can go all "Bad Santa" on.
Must set me up with two threesomes a year.
Can't think Gallager is funny.
That is all.
Note: The "few that didn't make the list" were a joke, comic relief if you will. I don't expect any threesomes. It's damn near impossible for me to find ONE woman.
27 Comments:
Shit. I love Gallagher.
The Kindness is a good call. If she's nice to the waitresses you won't be getting any burgers a la spit. Not to mention, you never know when a hot waitress will be up for a threesome.
Nick,
I'll be happy to go all Brokeback Mountain on you, I just won't date you.
wun,
I'll settle for the "no spit in my food."
trix,
1. of course she can come along. I'd be the envy of every man who's with someone who doesn't appreciate sports.
2. Yes, I wrote it JUST for you. It was originally going to be "She must like to give blowjobs, hail from Chicago, have a great rack, and go by the screen name 'Trix'", but I didn't want to weird you out.
I have to give you credit for number 8. I read it and thought of Trix, then I saw the comments. (Sorry Trix, it is a male thing.)
Are you sure I am not writing Vegass?
What if Ann Coulter were to meet all your requirements?
Sounds like a lot to ask in a woman. Whatever happend to just settling for a nice set of tits. Oh yeah...and make sure she can clean.
Oh Thank God.
ok, sounds reasonable, but:
... the stepping up to the mic every now and then... BJ's yummy... I would insist on at least once a day. Is that acceptable?
... would you watch Arsenal(soccer)matches and not be offended by me screaming profanities.
... surely there's nothing wrong with a 3-some if you both want to fuck the other woman? And I have some really attractive single friends.
... is it ok to blow a guy in the mens room if it's your partner?
... go on let me teach you something... let me... ;0)
That's unbelievable! I match almost everyone of those. Here are the variations, let me know if you can handle it. I don't have the particular song by Ace memorized, but I love him and Ozzy too!
I have never had a threesome, but you said that wasn't manditory. Galliger is related to Carrot top and they are both idiots! I'm not in Mensa, but was a Girls Scout for years, does that count? I don't swallow! I will call you on your bullshit if you will do the same. I don't want you around all the time, so you better have some friends to hang out with once in a while. I will be glad to scream profanities at sports players because I could do it better! I'm not funny looking, but I have a big ass!
I can't believe I'm actually turned on by #8. Yes, all the others are great, and good and should be what we all should be looking for in the opposite sex, but yeah, 8....makes me :).
awe,
I'm fairly sure you aren't writing this, unless you HAVE CONTROL OF MY MIND.
vegasvix,
the threesome thing was a joke, but I understand the post started out semi-serious and then throwing the jokes in there was kind of weird.
kat,
you more than exceed every requirement I could ever have.
ubie,
you've read or seen Ann Coulter, right? Do you think she even meets one of the requirements? Kindness? Please. And yes I know you were joking. Some things just shouldn't be made light of, like being in a relationship with Ann Coulter.
foo,
I'll be honest and say a nice set of tits can blind me into thinking she meets the other criteria when in fact she doesn't.
nick,
Okay. Thanks, God.
tlsd,
a blowjob every day? Have I told you how much I love you? As for soccer, if you blow me every day I'll watch drunks trying to catch a lightening bug on television. Please teach me. Ever been to Vegas?
tumbleweed,
as long as I know ahead of time that you don't swallow so I can give you the old "tap out", I'm cool with it. I have friends and I love big asses!
afromabq,
I'm turned on by the fact that you're turned on by #8.
Ann Coulter called. She wants to see you in the men's room right away.
Hmm. With regard to the sports thing...What if she argues with you about a play has been challenged and is being reviewed by the officials?
What if she end up being right about the call and proceeds to stand up, point to her crotch and say, loudly, "Lick this!"
Are those dealbreakers?
Not that I would ever do that, of course...
I fucking hate people who are rude to waiters because at least 95% of the time I've watched it play out-the waiter didn't deserve it.
Maybe I'm just sensitive, though, because I used to work in customer service and secretarial positions in college and there was always that blowhard that had to make sure to let me know he was a doctor/lawyer/blahdeblah and I was just a lowly admin/CSR. I hate people that de-humanize others that way-either it's deep insecurity or a cruel streak but it's highly unattractive.
i see no mention of "must be breathing, as proof of life" OR "should have been born a woman."
You may want to reconsider #1. I have a friend that joined a Mensa group and they were freaky-deeky.
Face it, you'd give up all of them if you could have #8 on a regular basis. I don't know a man who wouldn't.
What if she does #8 but uses her teeth?
when I step up to the mic, I rock the mic right.
I guess I hadn't told you that my father is Gallager?
Ubermilf- I once heard someone say, "Put a little teeth into it." Ack!
Pants made me snort.
I would rather he had snorted than asked for teeth.
Number 8... can I get an Amen?!!
Enjoyed your blog...
andi,
but it's number 8 with a bullet!
ubie,
my parade is next week. Better practice your rain dance.
anti,
but rub it in you did, my friend.
indie,
I love women that are interested in football, but I'll be okay as long as she doesn't interfere with my football viewing.
claudia,
do you hum the Canadian national anthem?
mo,
kindness just makes everything easier to deal with.
teri,
if it's any consolation to your husband, you were terrific.
pants,
"Put a little teeth in it"? Jesus, don't you screen these motherfuckers? And if your dad is Gallagher, next time drinks are on you.
nick,
you and me both.
pants,
at least he didn't say, "Suck it like my sister".
bawlz,
oh, the sound of someone stepping up to the mic. Is there a finer sound on this earth?
gigem,
AMEN, brother.
I am your perfect woman. I just wish you wouldn't cheat on me with all of these other blogger broads.
blonde,
I've known you're the perfect woman for me since the first time I read your blog.
ubie,
I'm a blog whore. What can I say?
cheska,
I'm glad you said that twice! That comment made my mouth water.
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