Wednesday, February 01, 2006
My Eight "Perfect Partner" Requirements
Can beggars really be choosers? I guess so, because there are some things I look for in a member of the opposite sex. This list has been going around, but the last place I saw it was at Trix's blog.

Keep in mind I am a very desperate man as far as the whole "wanting to have sex again before the earth spins off its axis and heads toward the sun" thing. I'm a little more selective when it comes to a real relationship.

1. Intelligence
She doesn't have to be in Mensa or anything, but the ability to hold a conversation is fairly important to me. I'm also not one of those assholes who doesn't want to date anyone who's smarter. Please, be smarter than me and teach me things.

2. Sense of Humor
When a woman really makes me laugh I love her right away. It also helps when someone "gets" me. I can be sort of strange sometimes.

3. Integrity
When she goes out with the girls I know flirting will occur. That's good; that's healthy. Blowing a guy in the men's room? Not so healthy. I'd much rather be dumped than cheated on.

4. Appreciates her own space and gives me mine
I am not overtly macho. I won't be running with the bulls anytime soon. But I do like watching selected sporting events at a bar screaming obscenities like a buffoon. If that isn't something she enjoys, fine, but let me have my fun and I promise I won't bitch and moan when she pursues her interests.

5. Puts up with some of my shit
Everyone has annoying traits and habits. I have them in abundance and with a fuckin' vengeance. My ideal partner would be able to see beyond my faults and appreciate my better qualities. I would in turn show her the same courtesy.

6. Doesn't put up with all of my shit
I want, no I need, someone to call my bullshit. Everyone needs this. The person who doesn't have their bullshit called on a regular basis eventually becomes a fucking prick.

7. Kindness (believe it or not)
I swear to god I wouldn't date Jessica Alba if we went out to dinner and she was rude to the server. Yeah, I'd still fuck her but I totally wouldn't call her again. God damn, nothing pisses me off more than that shit. Despite what you think you might know about me from reading this blog, I try to treat people the way I'd like to be treated.

8. My penis should spend a lot of time in her mouth
Sorry, this is the superficial one, so give me a break. I want blowjobs, damn it. First of all, I love going south o' the border on a woman and I'm not half bad at it, either; so how about stepping up to the mic every now and then?

A few that didn't make the list:
Must know all of the words to "New York Groove" by Ace Frehley.
Must have a big ass I can go all "Bad Santa" on.
Must set me up with two threesomes a year.
Can't think Gallager is funny.

That is all.

Note: The "few that didn't make the list" were a joke, comic relief if you will. I don't expect any threesomes. It's damn near impossible for me to find ONE woman.


Blogger Nick said...

Shit. I love Gallagher.

Blogger WunEyedDog said...

The Kindness is a good call. If she's nice to the waitresses you won't be getting any burgers a la spit. Not to mention, you never know when a hot waitress will be up for a threesome.

Blogger Trix said...

Ok, coupla questions...

1. If she likes watching sporting events at a bar & screaming like a buffoon, can she come with?

2. You wrote #8 for me, didn't you? Say yes, or no blowjob.

Blogger yournamehere said...

I'll be happy to go all Brokeback Mountain on you, I just won't date you.

I'll settle for the "no spit in my food."

1. of course she can come along. I'd be the envy of every man who's with someone who doesn't appreciate sports.

2. Yes, I wrote it JUST for you. It was originally going to be "She must like to give blowjobs, hail from Chicago, have a great rack, and go by the screen name 'Trix'", but I didn't want to weird you out.

Blogger AWE said...

I have to give you credit for number 8. I read it and thought of Trix, then I saw the comments. (Sorry Trix, it is a male thing.)

Are you sure I am not writing Vegass?

Blogger Karen said...

Ya had me right up to the three some stuff. Oh well..... :(


Blogger katarina said...

The threesome thing didn't bother me, it was "New York Groove". I don't think I know that song. And I kinda like Gallager.

Out of the real ones:
I'm definately not smarter than you and I spend pretty much time staring into space daydreaming of being 100 feet tall and sqwooshing everyone I hate. I may be lacking in the conversation department on those days.

Blogger Übermilf said...

What if Ann Coulter were to meet all your requirements?

Blogger Foo said...

Sounds like a lot to ask in a woman. Whatever happend to just settling for a nice set of tits. Oh yeah...and make sure she can clean.

Blogger Nick said...

Oh Thank God.

Blogger tlsd said...

ok, sounds reasonable, but:
... the stepping up to the mic every now and then... BJ's yummy... I would insist on at least once a day. Is that acceptable?
... would you watch Arsenal(soccer)matches and not be offended by me screaming profanities.
... surely there's nothing wrong with a 3-some if you both want to fuck the other woman? And I have some really attractive single friends.
... is it ok to blow a guy in the mens room if it's your partner?
... go on let me teach you something... let me... ;0)

Blogger Tumbleweed said...

That's unbelievable! I match almost everyone of those. Here are the variations, let me know if you can handle it. I don't have the particular song by Ace memorized, but I love him and Ozzy too!
I have never had a threesome, but you said that wasn't manditory. Galliger is related to Carrot top and they are both idiots! I'm not in Mensa, but was a Girls Scout for years, does that count? I don't swallow! I will call you on your bullshit if you will do the same. I don't want you around all the time, so you better have some friends to hang out with once in a while. I will be glad to scream profanities at sports players because I could do it better! I'm not funny looking, but I have a big ass!

Blogger afromabq said...

I can't believe I'm actually turned on by #8. Yes, all the others are great, and good and should be what we all should be looking for in the opposite sex, but yeah, 8....makes me :).

Blogger yournamehere said...

I'm fairly sure you aren't writing this, unless you HAVE CONTROL OF MY MIND.

the threesome thing was a joke, but I understand the post started out semi-serious and then throwing the jokes in there was kind of weird.

you more than exceed every requirement I could ever have.

you've read or seen Ann Coulter, right? Do you think she even meets one of the requirements? Kindness? Please. And yes I know you were joking. Some things just shouldn't be made light of, like being in a relationship with Ann Coulter.

I'll be honest and say a nice set of tits can blind me into thinking she meets the other criteria when in fact she doesn't.

Okay. Thanks, God.

a blowjob every day? Have I told you how much I love you? As for soccer, if you blow me every day I'll watch drunks trying to catch a lightening bug on television. Please teach me. Ever been to Vegas?

as long as I know ahead of time that you don't swallow so I can give you the old "tap out", I'm cool with it. I have friends and I love big asses!

I'm turned on by the fact that you're turned on by #8.

Blogger Cincysundevil said...

No#6 and #7 should be gospel. I hate people who treat others like shit because they have this fucking idiotic belief that they're somehow better. Yeah, I'm like you; I talk alot of shit on my blog, but I also treat everyone decently.

No#6 is way underrated too. A girl shouldn't call you out on everything, but she should call you out on some things.

Blogger JJ said...

Ann Coulter called. She wants to see you in the men's room right away.

Blogger Lushy said...

Hmm. With regard to the sports thing...What if she argues with you about a play has been challenged and is being reviewed by the officials?

What if she end up being right about the call and proceeds to stand up, point to her crotch and say, loudly, "Lick this!"

Are those dealbreakers?

Not that I would ever do that, of course...

I fucking hate people who are rude to waiters because at least 95% of the time I've watched it play out-the waiter didn't deserve it.

Maybe I'm just sensitive, though, because I used to work in customer service and secretarial positions in college and there was always that blowhard that had to make sure to let me know he was a doctor/lawyer/blahdeblah and I was just a lowly admin/CSR. I hate people that de-humanize others that way-either it's deep insecurity or a cruel streak but it's highly unattractive.

Blogger miss kendra said...

i see no mention of "must be breathing, as proof of life" OR "should have been born a woman."

Blogger Karen said...

Oh! Well if the 3 some thing is a joke, never mind!! I've always wanted to do one! ;)


Blogger Cheska said...

This post has made me come out of my lurking just to say that reading about a man who like to go "south of the border" makes me extremely hot and bothered...

Blogger Used Hack said...

Nice list. My wife fits all those criteria (including the threesome) but you can't have her. :)

I'm a very, very lucky man. ;)

Blogger Onyx said...

You may want to reconsider #1. I have a friend that joined a Mensa group and they were freaky-deeky.

Blogger Brookelina said...

Face it, you'd give up all of them if you could have #8 on a regular basis. I don't know a man who wouldn't.

Admirable alright. I'm impressed to see that the penis in the mouth made it all the way to #8!

Blogger Übermilf said...

What if she does #8 but uses her teeth?

Blogger your anti-hero said...

Woah....My list would read the same. Not to rub it in but...haha...I have a woman that meets the entire list-all 8.

It's awesome.

Blogger IndependentGrl said...

Pretty good list Todd, but I am shocked that Interest in football wasn't somewhere on the list.

Blogger Claudia said...

when I step up to the mic, I rock the mic right.

Blogger MoDigli said...

I'm not surprised about your kindness comment at all. Kindness is basic. If you can't practice basic politeness/kindness (especially to servers and other strangers you encounter in life) you're probably an asshole.

Blogger Secret said...

My hubby HATES it when I blow guys in the bathroom too! Damn men! You guys are no fun....

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

I guess I hadn't told you that my father is Gallager?

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

Ubermilf- I once heard someone say, "Put a little teeth into it." Ack!

Blogger Nick said...

Pants made me snort.

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

I would rather he had snorted than asked for teeth.

Blogger Ilovebawlz said...

*tap tap* is this thing on?

Blogger zac said...

Number 8... can I get an Amen?!!

Enjoyed your blog...

Blogger yournamehere said...

sometimes I'll see an asshole and wonder why his girlfriend puts up with it.

she probably wants to "humble" me by whipping out her enormous penis.

those things you mentioned would turn me on so much.

monkey mc,
it's a good indication of how someone really is.

it's hard for a corpse to have a sense of humor, or give a decent blowjob; and I think someone with integrity wouldn't try to pass off their "option" pussy as industry standard.

I'll meet you at the Green Valley Ranch. You bring the other woman.

I'm all about life below the equator. Seriously, I'll camp out there until the job is done.

used hack,
damn, you are lucky. Congrats.

I said they don't HAVE to be Mensa; if she is, that's cool.

shut up. I'm trying to look all sensitive for the chicks and you and your logic are blowing my cover.

Blogger yournamehere said...

but it's number 8 with a bullet!

my parade is next week. Better practice your rain dance.

but rub it in you did, my friend.

I love women that are interested in football, but I'll be okay as long as she doesn't interfere with my football viewing.

do you hum the Canadian national anthem?

kindness just makes everything easier to deal with.

if it's any consolation to your husband, you were terrific.

"Put a little teeth in it"? Jesus, don't you screen these motherfuckers? And if your dad is Gallagher, next time drinks are on you.

you and me both.

at least he didn't say, "Suck it like my sister".

oh, the sound of someone stepping up to the mic. Is there a finer sound on this earth?

AMEN, brother.

Blogger Blonde said...

I am your perfect woman. I just wish you wouldn't cheat on me with all of these other blogger broads.

Blogger Übermilf said...

Are you cheating on Blonde? You bastard!

Blogger Cheska said...

#8 made my mouth water.

Blogger Cheska said...

#8 made my mouth water.

Blogger yournamehere said...

I've known you're the perfect woman for me since the first time I read your blog.

I'm a blog whore. What can I say?

I'm glad you said that twice! That comment made my mouth water.

Blogger your anti-hero said...

Did I mention that #8 was especially true? I'm just back to rub it in.

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