Tuesday, February 07, 2006
I had a good time, but...
My friend had his bachelor party Saturday night. I had a good time, but I was hoping for a little more debauchery. I'm actually getting too old for out of control shenanigans, but I wanted things to get out of hand for one reason: An easy blog post.

Seriously, if someone does coke off a whore's taint or we catch an underground donkey show, that's a post that practically writes itself. Instead, we ate and drank at Margaritaville, I won some money playing video poker, we saw a comedy show at the Improv, we drank a little more at a karaoke bar and we went home.

I had a great time, but reading about it didn't do anything for you, did it? Replace Margaritaville with "Jose's Cantina" and the Improv with "Jolly's Chuckle Barn" and we could have been in any city in America. When you mention bachelor party and Vegas in the same breath, people expect craziness. They want to hear about impossibly attractive women engaged in the kind of behavior that would make Charlie Sheen blush; they demand tales of drunken riots and casual bloodbaths; they expect you to tell in excruciating detail a story you swore on a hotel Bible you'd take to the grave. They think you've dined with Emeril Lagasse, drank with Nick Nolte, traded jokes with Jerry Seinfeld and banged J Lo up the ass while calmly explaining why you find her talentless.

But even for a mild-mannered groom-to-be and his four unhip friends, it's still Vegas. I still saw more beautiful women in one night than a lot of people see in a year. Hula dancers practiced their art, bikini-clad women dove into vats of margarita mix, guys on stilts fashioned "r"-rated balloon hats for wasted bachelorettes, hot girls kissed JUST TO BE NOTICED, drunks sang karaoke both incompetently and hilariously, and I somehow ended up walking down the Strip drinking from a 24-ounce "ghetto can" of MGD. I hate MGD.

So the post didn't write itself. Maybe the next time someone I know gets married we'll have a proper orgy complete with human sacrifice.


Blogger Jess Riley said...

The same thing happened to me this weekend...a situation that should have been ripe for the blogging but ultimately fizzled.

Blogger Ilovebawlz said...

Beats my weekend!

Blogger Karen said...

Got a question for ya: Do you prefer real or fake mammary glands?


Blogger yournamehere said...

I blogged about it anyway. My life isn't that interesting, so I have to work with what I have.

yeah, but you're fabulous. That counts for something.

I like 'em real. Silicone is just horrible (and dangerous). Saline looks good and feels soft, but they're always cold. There you have it.

Blogger tlsd said...

... mine are real... and I'm stacked...

...hot girls kissed JUST TO BE NOTICED is so much fun... it really can turn a dreary evening around... and guy's will always offer to buy you a drink. Still it's best to make sure it not double Tequilla... or you might end up racing to the toilets together to vomit... oh that evening did not end well... urgh

Blogger katarina said...

I'll take the orgy, but leave the human sacrifice.

Girls kissing is hot. I find myself staring when it rarely happens. Unless it's bull-dike vs. bull-dike. Then I throw up a little.

Blogger Cincysundevil said...

Wow and to think I was stoked the Steelers won the Superbowl! I certainly didn't get to see hot chicks making out.

Blogger AWE said...

Coke off a hooker's ass could be fun.

Blogger da buttah said...

nothing will ever compare to the glorious experience of snorting some blow of a whore's taint.

if you need a whore, you let me know ;)

and vegas is up there on the "rampant beautiful" women scale..but, i think nyc has it a bit beat....(and i really don't say that because i'm a shithead new yorker...seriously)

Blogger Cheska said...

Thank God you hate that cat piss MGD. And I think you have crossed the lines into true bloggerdom by actually hoping things will happen in your real life so you can blog about them. And I love how you specified using the taint and not the ass. The taint is truly underutilized in today's literature.

Blogger Trix said...

Todd...honey, that brings a whole new meaning to "What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas." Boy, do we need to find you a little excitement!

Blogger afromabq said...

Isn't getting married sacrifice enough???

Blogger miss kendra said...

i made valentines this weekend.

you win.

Blogger Ćœbermilf said...

Maybe now it's Hip to be Square.

I'm with bawlz. Sure beats being abandoned in bed.

Blogger Monkey said...

"Jolly's Chuckle Barn" is one of my favorite haunts! Damn your hide.

I learn so much here. I had no idea that saline boobies were cold to the touch. Now that is a creepy detail.

Blogger Debby said...

Could you somehow come up with a post that includes an orgy, a satanic sacrifice and a blood bath all in one? Now that would be kick ass! Oh yeah, and some lesbo dominatrix action. Yeah, now we're talking.


Blogger little ol' me? said...

Overall a much more exciting weekend than mine. However, the post brings back memories of a bachelorette party...drinking, dancing with each other while ignoring the guys around and ending up singing on stage with the band at a place called "Sweaty Betty's"....aaahhhh now that was a party!

Blogger Tumbleweed said...

Even your boring stories are exciting! I am so easily amused, God I need to get a life!! I have never seen a whore or cocaine. Wow, I bet I would bore you out of your mind with the plain old sex and blow jobs we would have together. Damn.

Blogger yournamehere said...

I love stacked girls who make out with each other. I know, I'm taking a really controversial stand here...

no human sacrifice? C'mon.

there were only a few.

the hookers don't like to share the coke, that's the problem.

da buttah,
thanks for commenting. I like you because your blog is called "Bitch Took My Weave". I laughed while typing it.
I've been to NYC but we didn't go anywhere beautiful girls would hang out. I'm 6'6" and nearly caused a riot in Chinatown, however.

I might hit you up for that whore.

I like good beer, what can I say? The taint is underrated in many aspects.

a. Yes, I need excitement.
b. If you would provide it I would be very happy.
c. I love it when you call me "honey".

I would think so.

Blogger yournamehere said...

no, you're always a winner. Who's the big winner? Who's the big winner on the blog?

never has been, never will be.

monkey mc,
First of all, someone should market t-shirts which read "I'm With Bawlz"; and anyone who'd abandon you in bed is a fucking idiot.

the saline tits don't feel bad, just different.

I could include those things in a post, but they would all be lies.

little o',
I think I was one of those guys you ignored. I cried myself to sleep that night.

you crack me up. Obviously sex and blowjobs with you wouldn't be boring...for me anyway.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Todd, I hate to break it here in public, but sex and blowjobs with anyone wouldn't be boring for you...

What?! I'm just saying...

Blogger Calzone said...

Wait...are you telling me that you tell the truth on your posts?

I always assumed you were really an old pissed off lady from Nebraska

Blogger Brookelina said...

I forgot what I was going to say.

Blogger Claudia said...

My weekends are one big blur.

At least you remember yours.

Blogger yournamehere said...

hey, way to kick a guy when he's down.

damn, you found me out. I even went as far as to pay some big ugly guy to play the character and meet other bloggers.

you were going to say, "I love you, Todd."

next weekend, only drink half a bottle of vodka.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

C'mon... I'll help you back up...

Blogger Crystal said...

I call bullshit, Todd! You're just sticking to that old rule, "What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas."

Come to Chris' bachelor party. Hell, throw the thing for him. His best man is my 13-year-old son and I'm sure that my poor fiance's idea of a bachelor party involves more than XBox 360 and eight "baths" in one day.

Blogger at the Lake said...

underground donkey show! lol

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