Monday, February 06, 2006
Things I've Learned From Reading Blogs
I've read a lot of blogs, my friends, and they've all taught me something. Most of the time, the lesson is "Stupid people aren't quite as annoying when you can't hear their voice". And of course, I'm not talking about any of the lovely souls on my VIP lists and/or the charitable commenters who say such nice things about me. Well, I'm talking about ONE of you, but that's not the point. I'm just kidding. Or am I? Yes, I am.

Back to the planet Earth, here is a list of things I've learned from reading blogs:

Egan is the only person on the web who supported the Seahawks
And he's from Seattle, so he almost had to. Everyone else seemed to love the Steelers. Even here on the left coast, all the stores sold were Pittsburgh jerseys. I wish the game would have been more entertaining, but at least the hot female Steelers fans I know are happy.

I've come to admire anyone who keeps an "alter ego" going for more than a week
I've had my share of second blogs and alter egos, but they didn't have staying power for me. I just lost interest. My first was called "Strategery", written by "President Bush", but I stopped it when I realized I was making that dumb fuck way too charming and entertaining. Then I started "Take the Dress to the Cleaners" by Bill "Willie Jeff" Clinton. I love the Willie Jeff character as far as leaving comments but the blog got old fast for me. I was also Mary Worth's Smug Sense of Self-Satisfaction, but I'm the only person on earth who thought that was funny, so I shitcanned it.

The word "fucktard" is very popular these days
Really, I think Oprah used it to describe that writer who "lied". By the way, who gives a fuck about that? I'm glad he lied to anyone stupid enough to buy a book based soley on the recommendation of Oprah.

Apparently, guys with average-sized cocks aren't getting laid
It seems that every time a woman writes in her blog about having sex, she was either ran-through with a man-spear or prodded with a baby carrot. No one seems to get fucked by a penis that doesn't either shift her organs and cause eternal bleeding or make her think she's being pinky-screwed. I'm sure a lot of guys fall somewhere in between having a third leg and being able to use a thimble as a codpiece, but their sex partners must not have blogs. This is a sweeping generalization, by the way, so don't take it literally.

Don't get me wrong, I love the stories; at least someone's having sex. I'd love to have a lousy lay at this point, or receive a tentative, not-so-enthusiastic blowjob. It's better than nothing.

I tend to skip any blog that openly supports President Bush
Notice I said "openly". A lot of blog are apolitical, so I don't know how they feel; but once I start seeing pro-Bush sentiment, I'm out of there. That really isn't fair, is it? I know conservatives who read this blog. Okay, I know of one, whom I love, but she reads despite my liberal musings. Why can't I look the other way on occasion? Oh yeah, because I'm petty. And because conservatives tend to think Rush Limbaugh is funny. And they think Ann Coulter, the cunt, has a reasoned world view.

I've learned some other things, but apparently not when to keep my stupid opinions to myself.


48 Comments:

Blogger Digby Carlisle said...

On the balance, I am a greedy bastard with a very unconventional sense of morality, yet I think Rush is a moron and Ann Coulter is a psychotic bitch. The fact that I am delivering this opinion is a very, very sad commentary on the state of the world.

Blogger Trix said...

Darling, of course men with average sized cocks are getting laid. But the stories wouldn't be nearly as funny if we wrote things like, "Oh baby, give it to me hard with your medium-sized penis." See? Nothing humorous about that at all.

Blogger Yoda said...

"she's being pinky-screwed

LOL! That's funny :-)

Blogger Ian McGibboney said...

1) I also supported the Seahawks. Which is the direct reason why they lost. I even tried ironically pulling for the Steelers, but that reverse psychology apparently works only when applied to the World Series. As a Saints fan (and a Bush non-fan), I hate to see the favorite win. Especially when they have the entire crowd at a "neutral" location.

2) Yes, keeping an alter-ego fresh is hard. Actually, blogging in general is hard to keep up if you're doing anything besides writing about what pisses you off. Bonus points for Mary Worth, though. I would have dug that.

3) I hate the word "fucktard."

4) Guys with huge ones also aren't getting any. So I hear.

5) Yeah, I agree. It isn't just that I don't agree with the GOP (because I link and engage with some of them), but because a lot of those bloggers are content to ape anything the media tells them and their apathy for having their own voice makes their blog uninteresting to read. Of course, that's just as true on my side as well.

6) Don't keep your stupid opinions to yourself. Not here, anyway. You're far too entertainingly snarky for us to just let you go like that!

Blogger Egan said...

Thank you for the shout out Todd. Ian, you are so right about the "neutral" field thing, but I'm not sure there's much the NFL can do about it. I so wanted to see the Seahawks win to shut up the fucking skeptics. Oh well. There's always our beloved Seattle Sounders.

Blogger katarina said...

Sports and politics are two conversations I don't get involved in or read about.

There's no huge penis in my bed. Unless it's store-bought.

Blogger IndependentGrl said...

Todd, if I ever find who took the pics, I may have one or two to share with ya. And you can thank 4 Smirnoff Ices and the following shots: Jager, chocolate cake, flaming Dr. Pepper, and a Jim Morrison ;-)

Blogger Shannon said...

I wanted the Seahawks to win, but then again, I don't follow football and booked a flight during the game.

Blogger tlsd said...

- It's not that "Stupid people aren't quite as annoying when you can't hear their voice" they're just easier to get away from...
- Steelers... Seahawkes??!! er.. is that superbowl? It didn't get much coverage over here as we're only interested in footie, rugby or cricket...oh and horse/dog/feret racing... *smirk*
- We don't blog about average lays... who the hell would want to read about it anyway...
- Surely you'd love a fantastic lay/bj better...a subject which appears to be on your mind alot of late...
- I was somewhat surprised the phrase fucktard wasn't used in the Bush muttering...
- Which fucktard said you're opinions are stupid?

Blogger Bill the Apostle said...

Alter egos are for poons...I loved Mary Worth and shit like that.

Blogger Malicia said...

alter egos are for poons I loved Mary Worth and shit like that

Blogger Calzone said...

alter egos are for poons...fuck it

Blogger afromabq said...

I've noticed in reading blogs this past year that a person can either get offended or they can embrace the writer's style and philosophy. I love humor so....

Blogger Ćœbermilf said...

You've learned something from blogs? Hmmm. Maybe I haven't been paying enough attention.

I KNEW you were Bush and Willie C. You rock my jock, Todd.

Blogger MsHellion said...

You're not Republican!?! OMG When did this happen? Did our fevered nights of hot pamphlet making at summer Repubicamp mean nothing to you?


Christ. It hurt to type that shit even in jest! Now I feel like I'm wearing an arcylic sweater dipped in cod liver oil. Must get clean...

Blogger Princess Steph said...

ann is so hot. ;) I'm going to have to fly that Republican flag more openly now to stir the pot huh?

and im not messing with dates with men with small penis'- its going to be one of my opening questions.

down with average (sorry boys)

Blogger Karen said...

I kinda like "asswipe" myself. Sort of has the same conotation.

Blogger miss kendra said...

i am saddened to learn you don't find me educational.

Blogger your anti-hero said...

Blogs are a funny thing...for me it's almost becoming a 'myspace' thing and I hate that.

Blogger JJ said...

It's perfectly okay to not listen to the right wing bullshit, Todd. Keep thinking for yourself and keep the machine out.

Blogger Tumbleweed said...

I think I must be one of the stupid people.
On the other hand, I didn't care who won the superbowl. I hate politics and the last time I got laid, he was VERY average in length.

Blogger Monkey said...

Mary Worth was you?? I loved her. I wrote fan letters to her. Did you reply? No. Fucktard.

Calzone has no penis.

Blogger Rachel said...

Hey, I supported the Seahawks or were absent that day from my blog?

Maybe you just aren't paying attention to me anymore *sigh*

Oh, and I don't know if men with average sized cocks are getting laid or not...I'll let you know next time I get laid.

Lovin' you and I owe you a phone call!

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

I'm going to have to disagree with you on the average-sized cocks. I think that people who seek attention by writing about sexual exploits (real, or otherwise) aren't the kind of people who are going to give honest details.

Monkey,
"Calzone has no penis."
HA!

Blogger Trix said...

Todd: Is melliferous pants referring to me? ;)

Blogger Kath said...

Not only did I support the Seahawks on my blog, I supported them vocally at a party teeming with Steeler fans.

Payoff is a bitch as I owe 2 cases of Corona as payoff.

Blogger Brookelina said...

1. I went for the Seahawks for Egan's sake, but I really didn't care who won. Don't tell him.

2. I have one alter ego and I've used it about 4 times. I adored Mary Worth. I am very disappointed you didn't keep her going.

3. I used fucktard in my post today.

4. I haven't gotten laid by any sized cock. Thanks for bringing that up.

5. I actually asked a guy I was into recently if he was a republican because he just seemed to perfect for me. I figured if he was a republican, it would break the spell and I could hate him. Damn liberal.

Blogger Brookelina said...

And Monkey, I told you months ago that Calzone had no penis. Seriously, look at him. There is no penis there. Totally dickless.

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

Trix-
That wasn't directed at anyone! :-)

Blogger Monkey's Human said...

I am Monkey's alter ego.

Calzone has no penis.

(Thanks for the back-up on that Brooke and Ms. Pants.)

Blogger Egan said...

Pants et Brooke - je vous adore

Blogger Candi said...

I am Brooke's alter ego. I'm so pathetic I don't even have a real blog. I just go to other blogs and make comments. I even comment to other bloggers, as if its my blog, like I'm going to do now.

MH - of course! I've been calling him dickless for ages, and for very good reason.

Egan - parlay vous mahama mama.

Blogger yournamehere said...

digby,
even my Republican brother thinks Ann is nutty.

trix,
you're right, that was not an amusing sentence. And I love it when you call me "darling".

yoda,
comment, did you.

ian,
people who want more nuanced political opinion should definitely turn to your blog. Turn to his blog, folks.

egan,
I have no idea who the Sounders are, unless the Mariners or Sonics were renamed.

kat,
you rock. There should be a penis in your bed.

indie,
I'll be waiting for those photos. If you can't find the photographer you could always just re-enact.

shannon,
you didn't miss a lot as far as excitement went.

tlsd,
I'd love a fantastic lay/bj and am willing to travel to get them.

bill,
Mary Worth loved you.

Blogger yournamehere said...

malicia,
you aren't really a hot chick? I feel so embarrassed that I used to rub one out when I read your blog.

calzone,
I'm proud that I rub one out when I read your blog.

afromabq,
I love it when my style and philosophy are embraced. Thank you.

ubie,
another thing I've learned is that you are wise to the point that blogging has nothing to teach you.

andi,
I'd love to rock your jock.

mshellion,
I know it pained you to type that, and I thank you for sacrificing for the betterment of these comments.

princess steph,
what do you consider average? Whatever it is, add an inch or two and I'm fairly sure that's me. If not, I'll buy you stuff.

vegasv,
I'm quite fond of "douchebag".

kendra,
I am utterly fascinated by you and want to one day annoy you by my mere presence.

your a.h.,
I've only gone to myspace once, but I'll take your word for it.

jj,
I've fallen for left-wing bullshit in the past, but I'm better at weeding out the extremists now.

tumbleweed,
you're not stupid. And "VERY average" sounds like kind-speak for "small".

Blogger Calzone said...

yeah that malicia thing was the best..shaken and stirred all horny and all.

Not everyone wants to screw a stuffed dragon

Blogger yournamehere said...

monkey,
Calzone has no penis? Well, I'm a fucking atheist now, it's official. Thanks a lot.

rachel,
I was just joking. I guess by the law of averages, average dudes are laying average pipe on a daily basis. I'll never stop paying attention to you.

pants,
My sweeping generalization is being taken literally, but it is driving up the comment count on this post.

trix,
I was going to reply, "You'll have to ask her", but she already answered.

kath,
two cases of Corona? Someone's getting drunk.

brooke,
My of-undetermined-length penis isn't seeing ANY action, so I feel your pain.

brooke,
I was about to "go to far" with my response to the Calzone lack-of-penis comment. I stopped myself.

pants,
good. I adore you and Trix and want you to get along with each other.

monkey's human,
all I ever see is the back of your head, so from now on I'm going to refer to you as "my prom date".

egan,
I like 'em too.

candi,
I want you to dissolve in my mouth.

Blogger tlsd said...

... but you told me you didn't like long plane journeys...

I was really disapointed... I'm so worth it...

Blogger Monkey's Human said...

Your prom sounds like it was either very sexy and naughty or kind of sad.

Blogger Calzone said...

My cock is huge yo...the other day my cock was on time for work but I was three minutes late

Its that big.

Blogger The real me said...

There's just way too many comments here for me to jump in now... I feel like I've missed the boat.

Blogger Egan said...

Hey, why not fuel the ego The Real Me? Todd is a great person.

Blogger Candi said...

pssssssssst....Calzone has no penis...pass it on...

Blogger yournamehere said...

calzone,
I actually kind of know Shaken. She was just playing along. I, however, was ready to propose marriage to malicia.

tlsd,
oh, I'll bet you're worth it. If I had the money I'd get over there as fast as I could.

monkey's human,
all of the above.

calzone,
hey, one of you guys is lying to me...

real,
just talk about your loved one's penis size. It's all the rage.

egan,
thanks for the assist.

candi,
is Calzone's schlong huge or non-existent? I'm so confused.

Blogger Claudia said...

Can someone say cock/shlong/penis/dick ONE MORE TIME...I don't think this space phalocentric enough.

p.s. Nubbins are weird. Just look at this guy I met on Halloween.

http://onewaybanter.blogspot.com/2005/11/series-of-unfortunate-events.html

(not a plug, just a visual aid)

Blogger Princess Steph said...

oooo- you will buy me stuff? I'm in.

pardon me while I go masturbate to a picture of Ann.... I mean you..

Blogger Tumbleweed said...

I forgot to tell you I liked Mary Worth too, she made me laugh!! Bring her back!

Blogger Mung said...

monkey's human,
all I ever see is the back of your head, so from now on I'm going to refer to you as "my prom date".

I almost just pooped myself (after injesting myself) after reading that.

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