Thursday, February 09, 2006
Really, I ask so little...
I suppose I ask too much of strangers. Up until now I actually had the audacity to demand that people not pull out in front of me and slam on their fucking brakes; I expected parents to actually watch their god damn children while out in public; and I wanted the person in front of me at Von's to not smell like a used condom filled with demon spawn. Well, I've abandoned all of those demands because TIME AND TIME AGAIN the god of inconsiderate bastards has conspired to ass-rape me back to the Stone Age, going in so deep I have his glans imprint on my pancreas.

All I ask now-ALL I CUNTING ASK-is for people to wash their hair. I was at my Weight Watchers meeting Tuesday night when I noticed how many of my fellow fatties had filthy, tangled, matted hair. Wash that shit, do you hear me? If you're from the South, warsh it; if you hail from Boston, wawsh it. Either way, introduce your scalp to some shampoo and warm water.

There I was, content with the fact that I lost weight last week despite attending a Super Bowl party where I ate like an ancient Roman with a tapeworm, when an entire family of dirty haired squatters entered the meeting. I wanted to say, "Yeah, nothing compliments morbid obesity like sporting a used mop on top of your head," but I sat and silently repressed my gag reflex.

Since then I've looked for dirty hair like a horny priest trolling for alter boys; and I've seen plenty, baby, plenty. Why would someone leave the house with greasy hair plastered to their dome? Why?!? And if you just have to go out in public with dirty hair, wear a hat. Oh, and while I'm ranting here, if you wear a hat IT BETTER be cootered (the process of bending the bill until it curves downward on both sides). Holy crap, I hate an uncootered hat. If you can set a drink on the bill of your hat, you're a douchebag. End. of. discussion. Kevin Federline wears an uncootered hat. I rest my case.

Have a great day, wash your hair, and cooter that fucking hat.


46 Comments:

Blogger Egan said...

Isn't dirty greasy hair the trend these days? You think your buds at Weight Watchers are just ahead of their time?

Shit. Here I was hoping you'd come to L.A. one day and we could go to some stupid hipster club. They don't warsh at all over hurr, you know.

Blogger Cherry! said...

HAHAHAHA!!! I love your blog! I've only read the last three posts, but I love it and I'm hooked!

Blogger tlsd said...

Babe, sooo much pent up anger...
if only I was closer I could get that out of your system, and work off some calories at the same time.

Perhaps you could give a presentation on how to raise self esteem at the next meeting... take some bottles of shampoo liven it up a little.

ps: How do you know what a" used condom filled with demon spawn" smells like? *GAG* you made me sick in my mouth a little then...

Blogger Blonde said...

Dirty hair is a pet peeve of mine too. I agree, if you go out with dirty hair, cover that shit up!!!

Blogger Nick said...

I hate dirty, greasy pubic hair.

Blogger AMS said...

i read an article in a magazine where this woman didnt wash her hair for 12 years. they washed and styled it for the feature but she said she wasnt gonna be washing it again. her boyfriend and kid didnt wash their hair either. stinky

Blogger The real me said...

Warsh it, wawsh it... Jezus Todd, you're on fire.

I think I love you.

Blogger Mushy said...

The smell of scalp is incomparable. Is it worse in the dry desert region of Vegas? It gets pretty bad in the northeast. Every time I go to Vegas, I wonder how filthy dirtbags are so stupid as to not feel uncomfortable walking around a city that is full of beautiful women (to strip of course). I thought they had mirrors in trailer parks . . .

Blogger AWE said...

I like the people that go through the trouble of making their hair look like it hasn't been washed.

Blogger JackassJimmy said...

Todd,

Great post! Congrats on dropping some lbs. Wish I could say the same. I fucking love the term, "cootered" for the bent bill on a hat. You should trademark the shit out of that!

Cheers,
JJ

Blogger katarina said...

Do you have PMS, sweatheart?
I do agree, though. At least they could comb it so it's not matted.

Nick, That made me throw up a little.

Blogger aughra said...

Wow. Is the lck of calories making you testy?

I understand, though. I hate ukempt people.

So, yeah... not much pisses me off more these days than a hat that is not only not cootered, but also is pulled down too far making it so the wearer has to tilt their head and look upwards to be able to see. AND is tilted just ever so slightly to the side... not really on right, but not sideways either... just askew.

Fuck.

Blogger MsHellion said...

Oops! I hatted my cooter. Guess I'll have to try again.

Blogger Princess Steph said...

hehe- you said cooter.

holy shit, next meeting come armed with lots of tiny shampoo bottles and pass 'em out.

thats so fucking nasty!!!

Blogger Ilovebawlz said...

I wash my hair! I do!

Blogger afromabq said...

hahahahahaha. that was so stinking funny! cootered! hahahahahaha.

Blogger JJ said...

I promise.

Blogger Trix said...

Smelly people suck. Dirty people suck. "Cootered" hat's are great. Todd, check your email.

Blogger Monkey said...

nothing compliments morbid obesity like sporting a used mop on top of your head

There were so many gems in this one, I didn't know what to rave about first, or second or third.

Congratulations on poundage lost. Maybe your fellow unkempt WW members were trying to help you achieve your goal by making you vomit repeatedly? I hear it's all the rage in weight loss plans.

Blogger Ćœbermilf said...

I wonder what their pillowcases look and/or smell like.

Blogger Heather said...

Oh my God. That was the funniest ones in a while! I absolutely understand EXACTLY where you're coming from!

Dirty hair is nasty. Just nasty.

And K-Fed is a douchebag.

Blogger WDaF? said...

I figured it would be easier to just shave my head and save money on shampo!!

Blogger miss kendra said...

i once saw a guy with unwashed dreads and an actual bug crawled out of them.

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

Nick made me vomit.

Blogger The DogGrrrrl said...

Cool, you are gaining more fans. All hail the Todd, the 7' god of Vegass. Not to be confused with the 7-footed god of Vegass - that's Jerome.

I wash my hair once per week. For some reason, by day 5 or 6, random people start handing me change or half a sandwich. I dont get it.

Blogger Ian McGibboney said...

"Warsh"....ugh!

I'm in the South, and I hate that word. Among many, many other things about the region.

Blogger WhiteBoyBob said...

Maybe they can't wash their hair becuase their flabby bingo wings prevent them from moving their arms.... or maybe they're just lazy motherfuckers.

Blogger little ol' me? said...

Another post with several depends moments! What would I do without your "issues" keeping me laughing everyday. I agree with you on every single one.

p.s. Nick....greasy pubic hair?? That made me pull a Nicole Richie with my breakfast! ewwwww

Blogger Rachel said...

All of my hats are fucking cootered pop tart.

Oh, and I wash my fucking hair.

Lovin' you!

Blogger Brookelina said...

Todd has always had a lot of fans. He is da man.

I am going to wash my hair now just for you. Are you picturing me in the shower? Good, that was for you too.

Blogger yournamehere said...

egan,
these people weren't trendy. Trust me on this one.

monkey mc,
I'd go to the dirty hair museum if accompanied by you.

cherry,
It's like crack in convenient blog form, really.

tlsd,
if only you were closer. And how do I know what a used condom filled with demon spawn smells like? Well, I'm a demon, and I practice safe sex.

blonde,
yeah, sometimes on the weekend Starbucks can't wait for the morning shower, so a hat can be one's best friend.

nick,
good one.

ams,
I guess people who stink just date other people who stink.

real,
are you trying to make up for insulting me the other day? It's working; I'm a sucker.

mushy,
the mirrors in trailer parks are usually covered with thick layers of dust, grime, cigarette smoke residue, and funk-participate.

awe,
they don't smell as bad, but they make up for it by being absolute douchebags.

j.j.,
"cootered" was fairly common in Louisville. We're some colorful motherfuckers.

Blogger yournamehere said...

kat,
no, don't comb it, wash it. I have permanent pms.

aughra,
yes, I am quite testy. I want to eat a large Chicago-style pizza all by myself.

roberto,
some people actually buy hats that magically hover an inch above their head. I hate that, as well.

mshellion,
I think you just invented a best-selling t-shirt.

princess steph,
I should wrap a recipe for sugar-free low-fat brownies around a bottle of shampoo.

ilovebawlz,
I believe you. You seem well-kempt.

afromabq,
I love the word "cootered".

jj,
we'll hold you to it.

trix,
there's nothing sexier than a beautiful woman who knows how to cooter a hat.

monkey,
in all fairness, there are several clean people at my meeting.

Blogger yournamehere said...

ubie,
oh shit. I never thought of that.

heather,
I think even Hamas and Israel agree that K-Fed is a douchebag.

wdaf?,
hygenic and practical.

kendra,
even bugs have limits.

pants,
because of his comment, or just in general?

doggrrrrl,
I'm actually the 6'6" god of Vegas. And you'd think a god could pull a piece of pussy once in awhile.

ian,
I had to train myself not to say "warsh".

bob,
"flabby bingo wings". Ha!

little ol',
I actually refuse therapy so I can keep you amused.

rachel,
of course your hats are cootered, because you're a good person.

brooke,
not only am I picturing you in the shower, I'm imagining myself as your loofah.

Blogger its her again said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

Blogger Sindy said...

oh yea.. Cootered.. Thats good stuff right there.

Made my Day Todd.. You Rock.=)

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

His comment! I prefer not to think about pubic hair, especially greasy pubic hair.

(I just puked in my mouth, again.)

Blogger Debby said...

Sorry, can't comment now, running to corner store for Depends - LMFAO!!!!! This one is priceless for sooooo many reasons I can't even start to name them.

Congrats on the poundage loss hon!!

Blogger The real me said...

Yes... that's exactly what I'm trying to do...

My hair is squeaky clean!

Blogger Egan said...

Todd, you make my heart flutter.

Blogger yournamehere said...

sindy,
I like to make your day.

pants,
I knew you were talking about the comment.

debby,
depends? Control yourself, woman.

real,
mission accomplished.

egan,
I'm sorry.

Blogger Cincysundevil said...

Thank God all my ballcaps are cootered!!

Blogger Nick said...

I made three people vomit! (One of them vomitted twice!) It's a new personsal best!

Blogger Nick said...

Or whatever that word is.

Blogger Tumbleweed said...

Shit that was great. I could not have said it better. I have great hair...oh and the hair on my head is nice too!
I always use cootered ball hats when I play softball, I just had no idea that is what it was called. My hair is still clean underneath, I just like the look.

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