I suppose I ask too much of strangers. Up until now I actually had the audacity to demand that people not pull out in front of me and slam on their fucking brakes; I expected parents to actually watch their god damn children while out in public; and I wanted the person in front of me at Von's to not smell like a used condom filled with demon spawn. Well, I've abandoned all of those demands because TIME AND TIME AGAIN the god of inconsiderate bastards has conspired to ass-rape me back to the Stone Age, going in so deep I have his glans imprint on my pancreas.
All I ask now-ALL I CUNTING ASK-is for people to wash their hair. I was at my Weight Watchers meeting Tuesday night when I noticed how many of my fellow fatties had filthy, tangled, matted hair. Wash that shit, do you hear me? If you're from the South, warsh it; if you hail from Boston, wawsh it. Either way, introduce your scalp to some shampoo and warm water.
There I was, content with the fact that I lost weight last week despite attending a Super Bowl party where I ate like an ancient Roman with a tapeworm, when an entire family of dirty haired squatters entered the meeting. I wanted to say, "Yeah, nothing compliments morbid obesity like sporting a used mop on top of your head," but I sat and silently repressed my gag reflex.
Since then I've looked for dirty hair like a horny priest trolling for alter boys; and I've seen plenty, baby, plenty. Why would someone leave the house with greasy hair plastered to their dome? Why?!? And if you just have to go out in public with dirty hair, wear a hat. Oh, and while I'm ranting here, if you wear a hat IT BETTER be cootered (the process of bending the bill until it curves downward on both sides). Holy crap, I hate an uncootered hat. If you can set a drink on the bill of your hat, you're a douchebag. End. of. discussion. Kevin Federline wears an uncootered hat. I rest my case.
Have a great day, wash your hair, and cooter that fucking hat.
All I ask now-ALL I CUNTING ASK-is for people to wash their hair. I was at my Weight Watchers meeting Tuesday night when I noticed how many of my fellow fatties had filthy, tangled, matted hair. Wash that shit, do you hear me? If you're from the South, warsh it; if you hail from Boston, wawsh it. Either way, introduce your scalp to some shampoo and warm water.
There I was, content with the fact that I lost weight last week despite attending a Super Bowl party where I ate like an ancient Roman with a tapeworm, when an entire family of dirty haired squatters entered the meeting. I wanted to say, "Yeah, nothing compliments morbid obesity like sporting a used mop on top of your head," but I sat and silently repressed my gag reflex.
Since then I've looked for dirty hair like a horny priest trolling for alter boys; and I've seen plenty, baby, plenty. Why would someone leave the house with greasy hair plastered to their dome? Why?!? And if you just have to go out in public with dirty hair, wear a hat. Oh, and while I'm ranting here, if you wear a hat IT BETTER be cootered (the process of bending the bill until it curves downward on both sides). Holy crap, I hate an uncootered hat. If you can set a drink on the bill of your hat, you're a douchebag. End. of. discussion. Kevin Federline wears an uncootered hat. I rest my case.
Have a great day, wash your hair, and cooter that fucking hat.
35 Comments:
Isn't dirty greasy hair the trend these days? You think your buds at Weight Watchers are just ahead of their time?
HAHAHAHA!!! I love your blog! I've only read the last three posts, but I love it and I'm hooked!
Babe, sooo much pent up anger...
if only I was closer I could get that out of your system, and work off some calories at the same time.
Perhaps you could give a presentation on how to raise self esteem at the next meeting... take some bottles of shampoo liven it up a little.
ps: How do you know what a" used condom filled with demon spawn" smells like? *GAG* you made me sick in my mouth a little then...
I hate dirty, greasy pubic hair.
i read an article in a magazine where this woman didnt wash her hair for 12 years. they washed and styled it for the feature but she said she wasnt gonna be washing it again. her boyfriend and kid didnt wash their hair either. stinky
Warsh it, wawsh it... Jezus Todd, you're on fire.
I think I love you.
The smell of scalp is incomparable. Is it worse in the dry desert region of Vegas? It gets pretty bad in the northeast. Every time I go to Vegas, I wonder how filthy dirtbags are so stupid as to not feel uncomfortable walking around a city that is full of beautiful women (to strip of course). I thought they had mirrors in trailer parks . . .
I like the people that go through the trouble of making their hair look like it hasn't been washed.
Todd,
Great post! Congrats on dropping some lbs. Wish I could say the same. I fucking love the term, "cootered" for the bent bill on a hat. You should trademark the shit out of that!
Cheers,
JJ
Do you have PMS, sweatheart?
I do agree, though. At least they could comb it so it's not matted.
Nick, That made me throw up a little.
Wow. Is the lck of calories making you testy?
I understand, though. I hate ukempt people.
Oops! I hatted my cooter. Guess I'll have to try again.
hahahahahaha. that was so stinking funny! cootered! hahahahahaha.
I promise.
nothing compliments morbid obesity like sporting a used mop on top of your head
There were so many gems in this one, I didn't know what to rave about first, or second or third.
Congratulations on poundage lost. Maybe your fellow unkempt WW members were trying to help you achieve your goal by making you vomit repeatedly? I hear it's all the rage in weight loss plans.
I wonder what their pillowcases look and/or smell like.
I figured it would be easier to just shave my head and save money on shampo!!
i once saw a guy with unwashed dreads and an actual bug crawled out of them.
Nick made me vomit.
"Warsh"....ugh!
I'm in the South, and I hate that word. Among many, many other things about the region.
Another post with several depends moments! What would I do without your "issues" keeping me laughing everyday. I agree with you on every single one.
p.s. Nick....greasy pubic hair?? That made me pull a Nicole Richie with my breakfast! ewwwww
Todd has always had a lot of fans. He is da man.
I am going to wash my hair now just for you. Are you picturing me in the shower? Good, that was for you too.
egan,
these people weren't trendy. Trust me on this one.
monkey mc,
I'd go to the dirty hair museum if accompanied by you.
cherry,
It's like crack in convenient blog form, really.
tlsd,
if only you were closer. And how do I know what a used condom filled with demon spawn smells like? Well, I'm a demon, and I practice safe sex.
blonde,
yeah, sometimes on the weekend Starbucks can't wait for the morning shower, so a hat can be one's best friend.
nick,
good one.
ams,
I guess people who stink just date other people who stink.
real,
are you trying to make up for insulting me the other day? It's working; I'm a sucker.
mushy,
the mirrors in trailer parks are usually covered with thick layers of dust, grime, cigarette smoke residue, and funk-participate.
awe,
they don't smell as bad, but they make up for it by being absolute douchebags.
j.j.,
"cootered" was fairly common in Louisville. We're some colorful motherfuckers.
kat,
no, don't comb it, wash it. I have permanent pms.
aughra,
yes, I am quite testy. I want to eat a large Chicago-style pizza all by myself.
roberto,
some people actually buy hats that magically hover an inch above their head. I hate that, as well.
mshellion,
I think you just invented a best-selling t-shirt.
princess steph,
I should wrap a recipe for sugar-free low-fat brownies around a bottle of shampoo.
ilovebawlz,
I believe you. You seem well-kempt.
afromabq,
I love the word "cootered".
jj,
we'll hold you to it.
trix,
there's nothing sexier than a beautiful woman who knows how to cooter a hat.
monkey,
in all fairness, there are several clean people at my meeting.
ubie,
oh shit. I never thought of that.
heather,
I think even Hamas and Israel agree that K-Fed is a douchebag.
wdaf?,
hygenic and practical.
kendra,
even bugs have limits.
pants,
because of his comment, or just in general?
doggrrrrl,
I'm actually the 6'6" god of Vegas. And you'd think a god could pull a piece of pussy once in awhile.
ian,
I had to train myself not to say "warsh".
bob,
"flabby bingo wings". Ha!
little ol',
I actually refuse therapy so I can keep you amused.
rachel,
of course your hats are cootered, because you're a good person.
brooke,
not only am I picturing you in the shower, I'm imagining myself as your loofah.
oh yea.. Cootered.. Thats good stuff right there.
Made my Day Todd.. You Rock.=)
His comment! I prefer not to think about pubic hair, especially greasy pubic hair.
(I just puked in my mouth, again.)
Sorry, can't comment now, running to corner store for Depends - LMFAO!!!!! This one is priceless for sooooo many reasons I can't even start to name them.
Congrats on the poundage loss hon!!
Yes... that's exactly what I'm trying to do...
My hair is squeaky clean!
Todd, you make my heart flutter.
sindy,
I like to make your day.
pants,
I knew you were talking about the comment.
debby,
depends? Control yourself, woman.
real,
mission accomplished.
egan,
I'm sorry.
Thank God all my ballcaps are cootered!!
I made three people vomit! (One of them vomitted twice!) It's a new personsal best!
Or whatever that word is.
Shit that was great. I could not have said it better. I have great hair...oh and the hair on my head is nice too!
I always use cootered ball hats when I play softball, I just had no idea that is what it was called. My hair is still clean underneath, I just like the look.
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