Tuesday, February 14, 2006
"Roughriders! Wooooo!"
I sometimes hate Vegas, but for the first six months I lived here, I loathed it every second of my existence and with every fiber of my being. I think it had something to do with an incident that occurred my first full day in town. It's an incident that will go down in history as "The Roughriders Affair".

No, despite the name, I wasn't gang-assed by a roving band of gypsies, at least not physically. Emotionally, however, it was as if I was the new bitch of the cell block. I was leaving the Dirty Von's supermarket, already in shock that as a resident of a developed nation I had to endure such shody grocering, when I saw something that made me want to don a big-and-tall sized bunny suit and hop back to Louisville.

These two teenage boys, and I mean much closer to nineteen than thirteen, were each riding one of those ridiculous motorized scooters, the kind that are like a skateboard with handlebars. They sported mullets that would have curled Billy Ray Cyrus' toes, and they were weaving in between parked cars shouting "Roughriders!! Woooooooooooo!!"

I don't know how it happened, but my left shoe fell off when I saw this shit. I was putting it back on when they decided it would be fun to drive in front of moving vehicles. When a lady in a mini-van honked at them to get the fuck away from oncoming traffic before they were killed, they flipped her off and called her "Cunt". Come on, cunt is hilarious when I say it, here on my blog among friends; but screaming it at a woman in front of her small children? Only mildly amusing.

No, not funny at all, actually, and I wanted to go over there, but I know I would have killed them. I was so filled with rage that once I got a taste of their inbred blood I wouldn't have stopped until they were both dead.

I grew up in a blue collar neighborhood in a semi-Southern city, and THAT was the most white trash thing I'd ever seen. Not wanting to spend the rest of my life being non-metaphorically gang-assed, I starting walking in the opposite direction, their insipid cries of "Roughriders!! Woooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!" bouncing around in my skull.

Some nights it still haunts my dreams.


Blogger miss kendra said...


that was me and my dad before our surgeries!

Blogger Cincysundevil said...

What? People with mullets not behaving in a civilized manner? Say it ain't so!!

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

A really disgusting human being once called my sister and I cunt and it made my dad go Incredible Hulk.

Blogger Karen said...

yeah well, that's Henderson for ya! ;)

Those mullet boys sound like the type to weave in and out of traffic, cause and accident, and seriously think they're innocent while being hauled away in the back of a b/w.

Blogger tlsd said...

How the hell did your left shoe fall off?

I'll have you know mullets are very popular in the uk with the Trendy.
(unfortunately this is actually true)

Blogger Ćœbermilf said...

I don't know what to say to comfort you. I just want you to understand that what you saw wasn't your fault.

I know you feel violated. There are bad people in this world.

But know that I love you and Pants loves you and Miss Kendra loves you and a whole bunch of other people.

We'll get through this together.

Blogger AWE said...

Scooter - Mullet, didn't he work for the vice president?

Blogger da buttah said...

your left shoe was trying to tell you something man

what it was? no fucking idea.

Blogger Tumbleweed said...

You were supposed to throw that shoe at them! I can't believe you missed that. It would have distracted them and then that lady would have smacked into them and avoided being called a cunt. It's hard to scream cunt from under the tire of a mini-van!

Blogger Tumbleweed said...

Todds cute! I saw a picture and you have heard it hear. Don't believe all his "I'm ugly" hoo-hah!

Blogger Tumbleweed said...

heard it here...shit I need to proof read. Nick makes enough fun of me that way it is!

Todd is not ugly! It is all a myth!

Blogger tlsd said...

... and he doesn't have a mullet...

Todd... do you still have that cute lil tuft at the front?

Blogger Rachel said...

The image of that is all that is keeping me going today.

I love you!

Blogger Rachel said...

Oh, and not fair, where the hell is MY photo huh?

In all the time I've known you have you once offered to send me one?

Not fucking fair I say, fowl even!

Blogger Sonya said...

That is some crazy shit. Happy Valentines!

Blogger Trix said...

That's too bad...Roughriders are my favorite brand of condom...

Blogger little ol' me? said...

I agree...the left shoe was telling you to throw it at them.

Happy Valentine's Day

Blogger Brookelina said...

You should have killed them.

Blogger Sindy said...

Happy VD Todd. ;o)

Blogger Knitty Kitty said...

How is that VD healing up Todd?

I lived in Alabama and that is still pretty high on my redneck meter..

Blogger yournamehere said...

so you changed your age and gender, but your dad opted for just being younger? Interesting.

it's hard to believe.

you gotta be crazy to drop the c-bomb on someone's daughters. You could get an ass whuppin'.

I'll bet they race down Water Street every weekend.

yeah, but didn't it used to be cool in England to look like Morrissey?

you could all send me baked goods. And naughty pictures. That would make me feel better.

insert your own "Dick Cheney shot someone" joke here.

since you've given me carte blanche to be a dirty old man as I see fit, I want to take my left shoe and spank your fine ass with it.

Blogger yournamehere said...

I should have thrown the shoe, huh?

And stop telling people I'm cute. I'm not cute and people will be very, very disappointed if they meet me.

yes, I do. Not the mullet. The tuft.

I want to build up suspense for when you come to visit.

happy Valentine's to you, too.

in that case: "Roughriders!! Woooooo!!"

little ol',
Happy Valentine's Day to you.

I don't want to go to jail.

there's nothing happy about VD.

it hurts when I pee.

YOU lived in Alabama? That's got bad UPN sitcom written all over i

Blogger tlsd said...

hey... leave Morrisey out of this... I was a kid it was the 80's, I didn't know any better...

... and I love the tuft... I wanna play with it... all night long...

ps: I think you're cute...

Blogger Knitty Kitty said...

I lived in Alabama for 5 excruciating years and being in public school means it was exactly like a UPN sitcom and my character name was "token" when they all realized that being from Canada meant that I wasn't the biggest fan of the confederate flag they warmed up to me.

ALSO I'm not on your VIP world list... that made me cry a little.

Blogger Danny said...

I wish I had problems as trivial as this. I wish I were dead

Todd, I would ask you to be my Valentine for 1) use of the word cunt and 2) a mullet post, but I think every chick on your blogroll has already asked you. Still, kisses to toi :)!

Blogger yournamehere said...

I loved the Smiths, I just had no desire to look like them.

from Canada to Alabama, huh? Wow.

are you a real person, or are you Calzone, or Nick, or Anthony, or Ubie, or Brooke?

monkey mc,
I'll be your Valentine because you are a gorgeous young lady.
Kisses right back at ya.

Blogger katarina said...

Happy (late) V-Day, sweetie!

Stop telling people you're not cute. The truth is out.

Post a Comment

<< Home