"Roughriders! Wooooo!"

I sometimes hate Vegas, but for the first six months I lived here, I loathed it every second of my existence and with every fiber of my being. I think it had something to do with an incident that occurred my first full day in town. It's an incident that will go down in history as "The Roughriders Affair".

No, despite the name, I wasn't gang-assed by a roving band of gypsies, at least not physically. Emotionally, however, it was as if I was the new bitch of the cell block. I was leaving the Dirty Von's supermarket, already in shock that as a resident of a developed nation I had to endure such shody grocering, when I saw something that made me want to don a big-and-tall sized bunny suit and hop back to Louisville.

These two teenage boys, and I mean much closer to nineteen than thirteen, were each riding one of those ridiculous motorized scooters, the kind that are like a skateboard with handlebars. They sported mullets that would have curled Billy Ray Cyrus' toes, and they were weaving in between parked cars shouting "Roughriders!! Woooooooooooo!!"

I don't know how it happened, but my left shoe fell off when I saw this shit. I was putting it back on when they decided it would be fun to drive in front of moving vehicles. When a lady in a mini-van honked at them to get the fuck away from oncoming traffic before they were killed, they flipped her off and called her "Cunt". Come on, cunt is hilarious when I say it, here on my blog among friends; but screaming it at a woman in front of her small children? Only mildly amusing.

No, not funny at all, actually, and I wanted to go over there, but I know I would have killed them. I was so filled with rage that once I got a taste of their inbred blood I wouldn't have stopped until they were both dead.

I grew up in a blue collar neighborhood in a semi-Southern city, and THAT was the most white trash thing I'd ever seen. Not wanting to spend the rest of my life being non-metaphorically gang-assed, I starting walking in the opposite direction, their insipid cries of "Roughriders!! Woooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!" bouncing around in my skull.

Some nights it still haunts my dreams.