Thursday, February 16, 2006
I Like Stories Where I Get a Blowjob
Note: This story is filthy and fucking disgusting. If you are squeamish or are at all dainty, please go to the next blog. Thank you. Do not comment that the story grossed you out, for you have been warned. I wouldn't even read this post. Seriously.

This may seem like a shock to some of you, but I used to frequent a strip club when I lived in Louisville. By frequent, I mean I'd go there about two times a month. That was all I could afford.

Being the nice, unthreatening sort, I got to know a stripper who would sit and talk to me and occasionally tell me her problems. She was a beautiful young thing and she never tried to hustle me. Of course, she hustled so many others it wasn't much of a sacrifice on her part. Also, she was under twenty-one, so when she sat at my table I wasn't buying drinks for her the entire time.

One night I was in the club and she ran up to me and said, "Hey, I'm finally twenty-one." To celebrate, I bought her two drinks as we talked while she was waiting for her turn to go onstage. She came back a little later and said she had to go hustle a table of rich guys and she'd "make it up to me" the next time she saw me. At the time I thought it was an empty promise.

About three weeks later my friend Wu and I were at a bar called The Phoenix Hill Tavern for their Rewind Wednesdays. They'd play seventies and eighties music in the main room and Coors Light cans were only seventy-five cents. I hate Coors Light but come on, SEVENTY-FIVE CENTS. That night, however, we were drinking cranberry juice and vodka.

I walked up to the bar to get a drink when who did I see but My Favorite Stripper. Lo and behold, she walked right up to me and grabbed my crotch. I know when to keep my hands to myself, but since the only things between her hand and my cock was a pair of boxers and some Old Navy jeans, I reached around and grabbed a few handsfull of her hot ass. I ordered drinks for us, we talked for a minute, and then we started making out in a dimly lit corner.

Just when I thought it couldn't possibly get any better, it got way better. Without saying a word, she lead me to the back exit, we got our hands stamped for re-entry, and the next thing I knew, I was leaning up against a dumpster and she's on her knees with my cock in her mouth.

Okay, at this point I need to give you, the reader, a bit of a backstory. I had already had plans to move to Vegas in the fall, but my lease had expired and they wouldn't renew it for less than a year. So, since I needed a place to live before I moved, I lived with my mom that summer. You'll know why I'm telling you this in a minute, but I CANNOT masturbate while my mom is in the same house. I had my own bathroom, but that wasn't good enough. It always seemed like any time she left the house I was at work. I went weeks without a good rub out.

As the off-duty stripper proved her mastery of the fellatic arts, she had no idea of the ticking time bomb she was about to set off. When the moment of truth was about to arrive, I gave her the tap out but she waved it off. She was in this to the bitter end, content to take in a heapin' helpin' of throat yogurt. Little did she know I'd had no release of any kind for the past month.

When I finally reached orgasm, I was the Energizer Bunny in reverse: I kept coming...and coming...and coming...and coming. I dropped about a half-gallon of liquid love down her gullet. At one point I think some of it came out of her ears. She damn near drowned in it. That would have been a tough thing to explain to the cops. "Actually, officer, she drowned in my spunk. No I'm not kidding."

The next time I saw the stripper she very politely introduced me to the guy she was going to marry. I never saw her again.


46 Comments:

Blogger Kopaylopa said...

You woudn't masterbate in the same *house* as your mom? Shit Todd. I did it in the backseat of the car during a long road trip once, dad and step-mother up front. Do you make funny noises or something? ;)

-K

Blogger Mark A. said...

That grossed me out...



in an arousing sort of way.

Blogger Egan said...

I can't wait for the responses to pour in on this puppy Todd. There's something about strippers man. I'm rendered a bit speechless I must admit. Thanks for sharing though. That's great stuff. Now do your third edition of Ask Todd Anything.

Blogger tlsd said...

K... yeah but you masterbate walking down the highstreet at lunch time!

Todd...'Coors Light SEVENTY-FIVE CENTS' - that truely is fucking disgusting!

I wouldn't drown... I can hold my breath for ages... I totally accept the challenge though.

Blogger Monalicious said...

Some of us ladies are just good and troopers like that. I say a round of applause for the stripper.

I'm sure she's happily married now, at least her husaband is.

Blogger Knitty Kitty said...

all i remember from that is "We drank cranberry and vodka"
I like that drink.
everything else is blocked.

Blogger JackassJimmy said...

As I read and marveled over this story, all I could hear was, Black Betty, Tom Jones or any other version as the soundtrack.

I had a thing with "jiggling the handle" if mom was around too.

"OH GARY, YOU TOLD US YOU WERE COMBING YOUR HAIR!!!"

Why is it with most stories involving strippers and blowjobs, 8 times out of 10 there is a dumpster involved?

Coincidence...I think not.

Cheers,
JackassJimmy

Blogger da buttah said...

i hope, for her sake, that you drank a lot of pineapple/apple/whatever juice the month prior to said release.

least she took it like a champ....hey, free meal, right?

Blogger SalamiSalome said...

Who knew you were a human protein shake maker?
I guess this redefines the term "cum dumpster" hunh?

Blogger Karen said...

"Actually, officer, she drowned in my spunk. No I'm not kidding."


I laughed so hard at that, a little pee came out....and now I have to go wash! LOL

Great story, Henderson!

V~V

Bravo! Throat yogurt is going into my mental rolodex of shocking things to say to random people.

Blogger Princess Steph said...

does it get any better than a bj in an alley next to the dumpster by a stripper? methinks not....

must find stripper friend- must top todd's story......

Blogger miss kendra said...

this story isn't gross.

try harder, man.

Blogger Cincysundevil said...

That is probably the most romantic thing I have ever heard. I've said it before and I'll say it again: How come I never meet nice girls like that?

Blogger little ol' me? said...

Is it strange that I was a little turned on? Something about a guy who doesn't want to rub the snake when his mom is around.

I promise....you don't go blind!

Blogger Egan said...

Is this post like that ABC show Lost? You provide a backstory and later it will tie in to a real life situation?

Blogger Trix said...

Honestly, I don't know what concerns me more...you drinking Coors Light, or getting a hummer from a stripper in an alley.

I'll go with the Coors Light option.

Now I know where Cetaphil comes from.

Guys who live with their moms.

Blogger genou said...

Been lurking for days and was starting to feel vaguely stalker-esque, so here's commentin'. Way to go, blow job.

Blogger Brookelina said...

I can't believe how much this story turned me on.

Blogger Monkey said...

Coors Light? Are you mad?

Blogger Livia said...

That was so gross!! God your sick.

Hahaha.

Blogger diadima said...

that's one to pass on to the grand kids.

except the coor's light part, you don't want them thinking less of you or something.

Blogger Slutbag said...

wow - thats all i can say.

Blogger Tumbleweed said...

The story was funny....the comments are gross. I am dissapointed about the Coors light too. That seems to be the theme here today. It's the headache beer!

Blogger Claudia said...

congratulations. You are officially "the man".

p.s. where should I go tomorrow night? Any suggestions? oh. no strip clubs either.

Blogger Rachel said...

Now that is what I call a sperm burpin' bitch!


I left you a message sugar, call me.

Blogger Dan-E said...

i just can't believe you went weeks without squeezing one out. that ain't right. i mean, it's your birthright. seriously, i could be in a full body cast and i'll still find a way to give myself a good wank. i'll macguyver it out if i have to.

and really, your story isn't that gross. you could have wrote that after she took a huge mouthful, she accidentally gagged, coughed up a lung, and sprayed your jizz from her mouth all over the place - even in your own eye - and it wouldn't have been gross.

Blogger yournamehere said...

kopaylopa,
no funny noises that I know of.

mark a,
you were aroused by that?

egan,
it will be several months before I volunteer to answer that many questions.

tlsd,
I accept your acceptance of the challenge. Yes, I know Coors Light is deeply offensive to Europeans.

monalicious,
I have nothing but love for that stripper. She never asked me for money when I was at her club and she blew me. What more could I have asked for?

knitty,
I told you not to read it.

j.assjimmy,
you go where you have to go.

da buttah,
"free meal". I'm falling in love with you.

salamisalome,
I'm usually resigned to "hand scooping" my protein shakes.

v-v,
I'm sorry I made you pee. The only way I ever get women wet these days.

Blogger yournamehere said...

andi,
you should say it to old people.

steph,
please top my story. Write about topping my story. Send me pictures of yourself topping my story. Come to Vegas and help me help you top my story.

kendra,
sorry my story didn't disgust you.

cincy,
the ones I meet are few and far between.

little ol',
I really like that this turned you on.

egan,
I don't know.

trix,
yes, I have drank Coors Light in the past, but that night I drank cranberry and vodka.

monk,
I don't recommend living with a parent as an adult.

genou,
thanks for stopping by. Comment all you want.

Blogger tlsd said...

Todd...

v-v,
I'm sorry I made you pee. The only way I ever get women wet these days.


... you so know that's not true...

Blogger yournamehere said...

brooke,
if I didn't think you were being sarcastic, I'd be turned on by your response.

monkey,
I'm mad that no one remembers that I didn't drink the fucking Coors Light that night.

livi,
I am rather embarrassed about publishing this.

diadima,
"Gather around, children, and let grandpa tell the story 'bout how he was blown by a stripper behind a dumpster."

slutbag,
A "wow" from you is all I need.

tumbleweed,
the comments are gross, huh?

claudia,
I had friends who lived in Indianapolis and Cincinnati, so I always went those places. I've only been to Nashville a few times, and we just drank near the hotel. Ask someone who works at your hotel where the action is.

rachel,
she didn't even burp. She gargled a little.

dan,
your determination is inspiring.

Blogger Egan said...

We'll have to wait and see just like we do with the show. Hope all is well Todd. (I'm being so friendly this week)

Blogger Blonde said...

That was THE BEST STORY EVER.

Please rub one out the night we meet just incase. Drowning in spunk is not how I want to die....

Blogger Lemon-Lyman said...

Liza Manelly and Nick Lachey. I saw them dry humping at RAIN in The Palms in Las Vegas. Nick Lachey was taking it up the ass like a man.

Blogger yournamehere said...

tlsd,
you flatter me so.

egan,
you are being friendly.

blonde,
I miss you. And I'll certainly abuse myself before I meet you.

Blogger Ćœbermilf said...

I learned some new things today.

Blogger yournamehere said...

Ubie,
I realize you're a grown adult woman who has given birth twice, and I know you're not the least bit naive or sheltered, but a part of me was hoping that you'd forget to read my blog today.

Especially after the nice things you said about me yesterday.

Blogger Egan said...

I have to chime in once again. What you just said to Ubie was awesome Todd. I feel you. Sometimes I kind of hope a few few bloggers may not read a post here and there on my blog. Have a wonderful Friday Todd.

Blogger Ilovebawlz said...

I knew I was in for a good read when I read the disclaimer.

Blogger The DogGrrrrl said...

Throat yogurt and cranberry juice equal a healthy urinary tract.

Blogger WhiteBoyBob said...

AWESOME DUDE!!!!!

Not sure ayone will see that comment, but kudos to you man. That story rocked!

Blogger n.v. said...

holy shit, Monkey Mac's comment made me split a meat curtain! LOLL!!!

Todderick, you should look into bukkake videos. Or audition to be in one.

Blogger Nick said...

I don't know what "split a meat curtain" means but it was the second best thing about this post.

Blogger yournamehere said...

egan,
I should have paid someone to distract her until this thing blew over (no pun intended).

bawlz,
I wrote the disclaimer not to scare others away, but to draw you in.

doggrrrl,
I'll meet you for breakfast. You bring the cranberry juice.

bob,
I saw that comment, and appreciated it greatly.

dena,
I have no idea what a bukkake video is.

nick,
I believe it means Dena has suffered an injury to her giner.

Blogger Princess LadyBug said...

Now there is a talent that I aspire to. My goal is to get so good at giving BJ's that the guy feels compelled to blog about it. I need more practice though. Know anyone who would volunteer to help me out? :P

Seriously, awesome post!

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