Friday, February 17, 2006
Hypocrisy is a stern taskmaster
I am, above all else, a hypocrite. Most people are, but that's fodder for another post. I know I've blogged before about believing that sexually active single women are unfairly criticized in our society. I truly believe this. I've also stated, for the record, that I enjoy reading of their exploits on their various blogs, even if the chick turns out to really be Calzone.

But all of that would change if I had a daughter. Seriously, I'd want my daughter to remain a virgin until marriage, and even then I'd want her husband to have the smallest penis in the world. I can't imagine being a father and just knowing that someone was doing to your daughter what you did to girls when you were younger; the lies she was being told, the ludicrous amounts of alcohol she was being given, the hamfisted "sexual" dialogue she was being subjected to while on the receiving end of nothing more than a means to some schmuck's nut.

And what about accidentally stumbling upon your daughter's blog? Christ on a jet ski, I shudder to think of the horror. "Hey, great...my little girl has a blog called The Cock Chronicles, and apparently her last partner had a tool like a baby's arm holding a big red apple. I'm going to kill myself now." And if my daughter was twenty-two and some guy my age was flirting with her via the internet, I'd make it my life's mission to find that man and make him suffer.

I think a problem is that I didn't have a sister. I think accepting the fact that your sister has been entered by friends of yours goes a long way to coming to grips with your daughter's sexuality. If you can forgive Bobby the neighborhood kid for decorating your sister's prom dress with his premature ejaculate, maybe you can accept the fact that your daughter likes it up the ass.

I wasn't afforded that luxury, so if I ever have a daughter I'm putting that 'giner on lockdown. I'll hire the school bully to pulverize anyone who even tries to talk to her; and if the bully tries to get some, I'll take out a mafia hit on the fucker.

Also, I really like strippers; and they don't have to blow me. They had me at taking their clothes off. But if my daughter became a stripper, I'd burn down the club where she worked and poke out the eyes of each and every patron who ever saw her in a state of undress; then I'd castrate any pervert who ever got a lapdance from her. After that, I'd start getting revenge.

Sometimes I think the hypocrisy coursing through my veins is what keeps me alive.


35 Comments:

You'd just live in fantasy world, actually. My parents studiously ignored my sister and now-bro-in-law's one bedroom apartment. They fastidiously overlook the fact that I run off on vacation/visits to boys.

The lies you tell yourself. That's what will get you through your little girl giving someone a blowjob up against a dumpster.

Blogger Kath said...

Interesting post.

My best friend in high school was a player before the term was coined. He broke hearts left and right. It never bothered him one bit.

Then he got married and had 2 daughters.

Now...well, he is a different person. His daughters are teens. Smokin' hot model-gorgeous teens. Boys have broken their hearts. He has seen them cry over boys that aren't worth a dime. And yes, he has wanted to KILL those boys. But what is a worse burden for him to bear is that he used to be 'that boy'. And now that the shoe is on the other foot, he told me recently he would give anything to go back in time and undo all the hurt he caused.

Having a child changes you in ways you can never imagine.

Blogger Ilovebawlz said...

that was beautiful.

Blogger Karen said...

I think it's known as karma, my dear! :) LOL

V~V

Blogger Egan said...

Hmmm, I have a sister and I just hope she's happy no matter what. She's much older than me so it's probably a bit different. This stance of yours truly surprised me. I will say "giner" whenever possible tomorrow.

Blogger lily b said...

I'm the only child of an Italian father and I was really afraid to tell my dad that I was moving in with my boyfriend in college, but he took it amazingly well.

When that boyfriend became my husband, my dad took him aside at the wedding and threatened him with the mafia if he ever hurt me. I think he was kidding...

Blogger tlsd said...

Todd... we'd better have son's then...

... but if we did have daughters you could offer them sound advice like: 'check that cute guys with tufts have rubbed one out in the last 4 weeks BEFORE taking them outside to the dumpster for a blowjob...'

Blogger WhiteBoyBob said...

I have a daughter, and I love her more than life itself. The thought of some boy.... well sorry, I just don't want to think of it.

But on the other hand I hope she's been raised right and has common sense. As long as she's happy and not being taken advantage of, what she does is her business. I'll be there for her whenever she needs it.

Blogger WhiteBoyBob said...

And remember women have the power because they have what we want. On the whole I think they know what they're doing. It's us men that are the emotionally fragile ones.

Blogger Mushy said...

Awww . . . That was such a sweet post!

Seriously though, my brothers can't even stomach the stories I tell them about my exploits. So I like to make them queasy by talking about waxing my cookie, hickies and cramps.

Blogger afromabq said...

WOW - some baby girl is going to love her daddy. Anyone who is thinking about it before it even happens, is ready to love a child. She's already blessed.

Awww, Todd....your paternal side is cute. Now, kill kill!!!

Blogger Tumbleweed said...

I'm not 22...flirt away!
I am erasing the rest of the post from my mind...I have 2 daughters.

Blogger Ćœbermilf said...

I amuse myself at my husband's expense sometimes. My husband is very similar in temperment to a border collie -- friendly, affectionate, playful -- but mention some guy even coming to the door to pick up an UberGirlie for a date, and his expression changes to a growl and his brows knit together.

Monkey Chaps is right, though. Dads immerse themselves in a cloud of denial. Unlike my mother, who asked about AIDs tests and such when I started dating a new guy.

Blogger Rachel said...

Awww, that touches me...

somewhere.

So I probably shouldn't continue to torment my father when we go shopping and I buy the smallest thongs I can find huh?

Good to know!

Lovin' you ;)

Blogger miss kendra said...

that sounds about right.

imagine how those strippers dads feel.

watch you eyes, my friend.

i have to go watch mine.

Blogger waygon112 said...

my daughter had a son by immaculate conception.
I'm sure she's never had sex yet at the age of 25!!!!!

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

Three girls in my family, no boys. We weren't allowed to date anyone that drove a van. Seriously.

I've said it before and I'll say it again; I'm saving my flower for marriage. At least that's what my dad thinks.

Have you seen the Chris Rock- Never Scared dvd? He does this whole 'your main purpose in life is to keep your daughter out of clear heels and off the pole' thing. You'd love it.

Blogger Zombie Lou said...

Bob said "on the whole".

Blogger little ol' me? said...

I'm the younger sister who has a brother and believe me, it was difficult getting a date in high school. My bro would put out warnings to anyone wanting to hook up with me. The warnings turned into threats if the guy was one of his friends.

Between my brother and my dad it's amazing I have any kind of a relationship with a guy at all...their overprotectiveness was starting to strangle me.

Hhmmmm, maybe that was the reason I had to go to Europe for a year right after high school. I let loose like you wouldn't believe..... ;)

Blogger Cherry! said...

I haven't been able to read your blog for TWO WHOLE DAYS. It was worth the wait! xxx

Blogger WhiteBoyBob said...

Preperation H is good.... on the whole.

Blogger Brookelina said...

My one brother was the biggest man-whore on the east coast when he was growing up. He now has an eight year old daughter who is well on her way to becoming an absolute stunner. When she starts high school I plan on spending my weekends sitting in a beach chair on his front lawn with a bowl of popcorn so I can watch him chase off all the horny young boys.

Blogger yournamehere said...

monk,
yeah, she's someone's daughter, I know. I just couldn't see myself saying, "You'd better not. What would your father think?"

kath,
especially if I have children at this late age; I'll be a grumpy old fart.

bawlz,
thank you. The entire text of that post is available on a commemerative plate.

vv,
I hate karma.

egan,
you're a much more reasonable person than I; it's pretty well known.

lily b,
I know of a man who killed his only brother when the brother was strung out and threatened the man's daughters. Do not fuck with someone's kid.

tlsd,
you'll have to talk to our alleged daughter about that sort of thing.

bob,
damn, you're reasonable as well.

mushy,
siblings exist so we can torture them.

afromabq,
she'll hate me when I use every resource at my desposal to ensure that she's the Last American Virgin.

andi,
I really want to marry someone who already has kids and doesn't want any more. Then if my step-daughter is a real slut I can get some good blog posts out of it.

Blogger yournamehere said...

tumbleweed,
Oh, I'm still going to flirt with the younger ones. I'm a fucking hypocrite, remember? But you're hot and when you come to Vegas I want to spank you with a collectible replica of the Stratosphere.

ubie,
I've said it before, but your husband is a wise man. He knows what's up.

rachel,
my daughter is going to be Amish. I've just decided this.

kendra,
whenever I hear someone on Howard Stern's show say "Oh, my dad knows I do porn and he's cool with it," I think to myself "That girl was molested by her dad."

waygon,
hell yeah, that's what I'll tell myself. My daughter's cherry will be popped by Jesus.

pants,
I have the Chris Rock Never Scared DVD. My mom gave it to me for Christmas last year. She's cool, I just can't masturbate if she's in the same zip code. And your dad really thinks you're a virgin?

lou reed,
heroin heroin heroin. (That's what he sees when he tries to read words, people. I'm just saving myself from having to think of something).

little ol',
if a Frenchman ever touches my daughter, I will become Secretary of Defense just so I can bomb their country back to the dark ages.

cherry,
two days? How did you survive? Just kidding. Thanks for coming back.

bob,
he'll be here all week, folks.

brooke,
your evil side turns me on. (That would be the back side, by the way).

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

My dad doesn't really think I'm a virgin, but my best friend's dad pretends that she is. Before she got married I told him that yes, she is a virgin because lesbian sex doesn't count. He's still fuming. I live to piss him off.

Blogger Egan said...

Todd, that hypocrite post would just write itself out in my head. It's so hard for me not to contradict something I said would or wouldn't do. Thanks for validating that.

Blogger ginonymous said...

two things: my brother forbade me to ever date any of his friends because he knows what men say about women in the company of other men, and didn't think he could handle for one of those discussed-women to be me. so far, so good.

the other thing, my roommate frequently calls me 'giner. it's an unfortunate nickname that stuck.

Blogger little ol' me? said...

Don't worry about the Frenchmen.....worry about the Italians instead.

Not that I would know anything about that, of course!

Blogger Knitty Kitty said...

When we were in Alabama my parents had a couple over from Birmingham and my boyfriend at the time was upstairs in my room with me.

When the couple asked where we were my father replied "In her bedroom".
My father's friend then turned to him and said "Now Buddy, if you ain't got a shotgun of your own we could go to my house and get one"

I was a father's worst nightmare.

Blogger The real me said...

Some people shouldn't have kids...

Look at Britney Spears, for example...

What?! I'm just saying....

Blogger yournamehere said...

pants,
I made a good decision when I decided to adore you. That's hilarious.

egan,
I embrace my hypocrisy.

giner,
I like that nickname for you.

little ol',
yeah, but I like Italians.
Just kidding, French lovers.

knitty,
my daughter and I are moving to Alabama.

real,
hey, I do the Britney bashing around here.

Blogger Cherry! said...

It wasn't easy!

Blogger Princess LadyBug said...

You are simply the sweetest guy! Dads are supposed to feel that way about their daughters.

Personally if I thought my Dad actually cared enough to read my blog then I'd purposefully write about having sex. Heck, I'd make up stuff. I'd have to actually since I haven't had any in many months and no hope of having any for many more months. But both of those are whole other blog subjects. :)

My Mom likes to pretend I'm still a virgin. I find that odd since I'm the oldest of two kids and my brother has been sexually active since he was in high school. My Mom has been aware of it since he was about 18.

I on the other hand waited a really, REALLY long time to have sex. Still my Mom & my brother pretend I'm still a virgin. Wonder why that is.

I also wonder why I've suddenly started putting more personal information about myself in your comments than in my own blog. Sorry.

Blogger MoDigli said...

"'giner on lockdown" ?!?!? ha! WHERE do you come up with this stuff?!

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