Wednesday, February 22, 2006
Make the Movies My Way for Once
I hate most of the movies I see because they're always so predictable and unbelievable. I'd like for movies to be more like real life.

-When a group of teenagers approaches another group of teenagers and does an elaborate, choreographed dance routine punctuated by the line "You got served!", I'd like a spokesman for the "served" group to say "What the hell kind of fruity shit is that? I don't have time for this."

-When an Asian crime syndicate wants to kill a do-gooder martial arts master, instead of sending a hundred guys with swords to get individually snapped in half, why not hire a sharpshooter and give him a nice rifle with a laser scope? What, these guys are ruthless criminals but it's dishonorable to shoot a motherfucker?

-Have the girl pick the handsome, rich jerk instead of the nice, affable everyman. It happens quite frequently in real life. The last scene of the movie should show the rich jerk, in a fit of drunken rage, pushing the woman down a marble stairwell.

-Have the lovable team of misfit overachievers get absolutely crushed by the bigger, stronger, faster team. Bonus points if the kid who overcame the most adversity gets paralyzed from the forehead down on the last play of the already hopelessly out of reach game.

-A veteran cop's misgivings about his new partner - a hot-headed, impulsive, out of control rookie - are proven to be well-founded when the rookie makes a critical mistake and gets them both killed.

-No one listens to the eccentric scientist when he warns them about an approaching meteor. Of course they don't listen; there is no meteor. The guy's insane.

-A popular high school jock bets his friend he can turn any girl in the school into the prom queen; and instead of picking a beautiful model-type who wears thick glasses and dresses unfashionably, the friend chooses a girl who has horrible acne, weighs about four hundred pounds, and is missing her nose. The jock is so humiliated he commits suicide.

-A group of young adults are staying at a cabin in the woods when one of them is mysteriously murdered. Instead of wandering around the dark forrest waiting to be butchered, the survivors get in their car and ride the fuck off. As the credits roll, one of them says, "Yeah, Jennie was a nice girl and all, but us getting slaughtered isn't going to bring her back."

I ask for so little. Get started, Hollywood.


34 Comments:

Blogger Princess LadyBug said...

LOL! I can't wait to see the movie that fits your guidelines. I'm thinking it might be pretty damn short, but worth the money to see it. :P

Blogger Super Mongo said...

Stumbled in here through the blog chain. I have seen you comment on other blogs and like an idiot did not investigate your site 'til now.
I laughed out loud at this post and I'm sure you know that laughing out loud at someones post is something that does not happen often.

Blogger Nick said...

And when the guy who was wrongly imprisoned breaks out to rescue his true love from imminent death the guys in the guard tower gun him down like a dog.

It's a heartwarming family film.

Or,
A wayward puppy beats all odds to find his way home and when he finally reaches his destination he sees his owners and begins running happily to them and gets squashed by a truck.

Blogger Nick said...

Typing all that cost me first comment.

Blogger Cincysundevil said...

You should totally be a director. But these ideas wouldn't fly with American audiences. I was reading that Kevin Smith did a test screening for "Chasing Amy" and got negative comments because Affleck didn't come away with the girl.

Blogger K said...

I'd pay good money to see what you could with Disney movies...

Little Mermaid's futile effort to rid herself of that "fishy smell".

Lion King declines grubs and bugs opting to disembowel his tasty new jungle friends.

Lady and the Tramp skip the spaghetti foreplay and get straight to the dirty dog luvin'.


Just a thought...

Blogger Claudia said...

I say you come to Canada and pitch that stuff to Hollywood North. The overhead costs are way less and you'll pay in CAD.

Also, it is absolutely normal that rival cliques in highschool have a "dance off" in Canada.

oh, and by "dance off" I mean "stab off".

Blogger X-GF said...

love it!! genius!

Better yet, have the Vice President shoot the eccentric scientist on a hunting trip.

"Have the girl pick the handsome, rich jerk instead of the nice, affable everyman. It happens quite frequently in real life. The last scene of the movie should show the rich jerk, in a fit of drunken rage, pushing the woman down a marble stairwell"

You sir, are worthy of David Lynch and John Waters! I'll be the first in line to see that film!

Blogger Egan said...

Wonderful stuff Todd. You da man.

Blogger Cherry! said...

HAHAHAHA! I fall more in love with you every day!

Blogger tlsd said...

Todd... you have to write a screenplay... you have to... you should try watching more brit-flicks we make 'em more real.

supper mongo... LOL- it happens all the time here... in Todds blog.

Blogger Kopaylopa said...

Start watching Chinese dramas. The moral of most Chinese films is the needs of the individual never prevail over karma and the big picture and honor and duty and shit. Anyone looking to find love or be happy is destined to a horrible and graphic ending. Cheery!

Blogger AMS said...

todd your talent is wasted!

Blogger afromabq said...

You're way beyond hollywood thinking!

By the way, the bus we talked about should be there this Friday. If you're interested, let me know.

Blogger JJ said...

You should watch Arrested Development. When one group of dancers dressed as gang members approaches a real gang on the street and starts dancing, the next line is:

"Oh, my God! I've been shot!"

Blogger da buttah said...

hey, i'm that 400lb, acne ridden, noseless prom queen

it can happen!

also, i want the chick, who found out the guy was not who she thought he was to MOVE ON, and tell him to fuck off when he comes back and tries to get in good with her again. none of this "well i love him" bullshit!

Blogger AWE said...

And when the girl gets the message "I know what you did last summer", she kills herself for having that 3 way with her 2 cousins.

Blogger Kris said...

If Jenny McCarthy is set to star I'M SO THERE.

Blogger Kris said...

Nick, take back the one about the puppy. Seriously.

Blogger Onyx said...

This is why I loved Not Another Teen Movie...

"Not Jamie! She has (sputters in disbelief and disgust) pigtails and paint covered OVERALLS!"

Blogger miss kendra said...

this made my morning better. thank you.

Blogger Ćœbermilf said...

Your blog made me cry.

Blogger Nick said...

I take it back.

The puppy made it across the street without any trouble, reunited with his family and lived happily forever and ever.

Blogger Tumbleweed said...

All you're asking for is reality TV. I don't want to waste my money on that. I want to sit in a dark theatre for 2 hours and watch shit that can never happen and leave there thinking I should go gash my wrists.

Blogger Slutbag said...

and when a husband and wife OR people who you just know are going to fall in love eventually, shoot at each other, one gets hit!

M: oh my god, i've been hit. you stupid bitch. you have better aim that i would have given you credit for.

W: Thats right bitches, i'm the bomb. oh, yeah...that leg looks like it might have to be amputated. i did love you but it looks like you may be deformed if not a cripple for the rest of your life. screw that, there are way hotter people out there who have all there appendages and have better aim

M: no please...my mom was right, you are a cold, heartless bitch. you realize i'm going to die out here, don't you?

W: Hasta la Vista - Baby.

Blogger yournamehere said...

ladybug,
they would be more like short features, but what the hell.

super mongo,
I'm assuming by the fluidity of that comment, it was written by mongo's handler. Please let mongo himself comment occasionally. I'm a fan of the profoundly retarded.

nick,
really, first comment is so fleeting but your reply was funny, and that will last forever.

cincy,
people love happy, sappy endings.

killer bits,
The Lion King should eat like a king, not like a dirty hippie.

claudia,
the Canadians are much too polite to do these horrible things. Except for you, of course. You're cool.

xgf,
thanks for your kind words.

andi,
come on, Republicans don't know any scientists.

writeproc,
thanks.

edan,
no, you da man.

Blogger yournamehere said...

cherry,
it's all part of my master plan. By year's end, perhaps you'll love me enough to relocate.

tlsd,
the only brit-flicks I've ever seen are those insufferable Merchant-Ivory period pieces.
I like you, though.

kopaylopa,
honor and duty will fuck you up every time.

ams,
oh, I know.

afromabq,
if this is the bus to party town, I'm on it.

Blogger yournamehere said...

jj,
because that's what would happen.

buttah,
you are hot and I'll have none of your self-loathing. I have enough of my own. You are right: The big deception is a fucking deal-breaker. No one forgives for that shit.

awe,
did you just describe a snuff film?

kris,
who would you want to play you in a movie based on your life?

onyx,
I've never seen that, but "She's All That" is ripe for satire.

kendra,
I do what I can.

ubie,
I hope they were tears of laughter. I guess I could try to make people weep with sadness: "Today, on a very special viva las vegASS..."

nick,
sellout.

tumble,
no, I hate reality tv because it's just a bunch of talentless douchebags celebrated for their lack of self-respect. I like the fact that happiness depresses you, though. A marriage proposal is in the mail.

slutbag,
I appreciate the scenerio, complete with dialogue, no less.

Blogger Knitty Kitty said...

god I'm late for all this as per usual!

I just wanted to tell you that TFG has been walking around the apartment saying "Heapin' helpin' of throat yogurt!" and laughing hysterically.
Thanks for making my boyfriend and I laugh uncontrollably lately, especially since we don't' have cable.

Blogger megan said...

oh. my. god. that is so damn funny. i would most def watch those movies.

Blogger Tumbleweed said...

Only other peoples happiness depresses me. I will be checking the mail everyday now. I will keep you in suspence with my answer!

Blogger Jo said...

Todd, please don't tell anyone this, but that movie? You Got Served? I liked it. And I've watched it THREE times.

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