Friday, March 03, 2006
America's Next Top Reason for Me to Run Away and Live in the Fucking Mountains, Relying Only on My Wits to Survive

I like television, and I like looking at beautiful women, but I can't stand even a nanosecond of America's Next Top Model. In fact, I just saw a commercial for the new season, and it made me want to bury myself alive in a bodybag full of rats. Congrats, Tyra Banks and company, for making it unbearable to stare at women in skimpy outfits.

How is this possible? Well, they let these vain, moronic twits open their mouths. Just from watching a thirty-second ad, I can tell that every conversation these women have is the prattle of the damned. A few of the contestants "introduced" themselves. One of them said, "Not everyone's going to like me." Nice people aren't even liked by everyone; a self-important GASH like her will be roundly despised. Another girl stated, "I'm not cocky but I'm confident." I'm confident that she loves only her looks and will slit her wrists when age fades her beauty.

I'm sorry, but some of these models are too skinny. One chick looked like the Crypt Keeper after a "queer eye" makeover. She refers to Nicole Ritchie as "fatso". If I ever had the chance to sleep with her, I'd use my cock to play her ribs like a xylophone. She needs to step away from Tyra Banks and get her boney ass to a buffet.

Of course, this just might be the part of me that despises Reality TV. The only Reality show I ever liked was Average Joe, because it confirmed everything I hold to be true about human nature. The producers stacked the deck by having the final "average Joe" be a funny, interesting guy while the good looking guy was a complete zero. And she still picked the one who looked better! Then they let the average guy have his own show AND HE DID THE SAME FUCKING THING. He learned absolutely nothing from his public humiliation. A woman declared her love for him on national television and then three days later dumped him for Fabio's nephew, and he responded by picking the beautiful woman he had nothing in common with over his quite attractive SOULMATE!!! Both times I got to say "I told you so" to the whole cunting world.


Blogger Cladeedah said...

Are you freakin' kidding me? Have you read Elyse's blog? That's right babe - that's Top Model Cycle One right there.

I think you would like this show. You should give it a chance. Girls talking to ferns! Girls who think Panda Express is Japanese food! To the extent these new girls are as stupid/crazy/beautiful as in the past, this season is going to rock.

Blogger Cherry! said...

I once watched the entire Top Model Series in one day one the TV. They called it a 'model-a-thon'. I love to watch these idiots take themselves so seriously and get bitchy with each other. I also love the shameless self promotion of Tyra Banks (showing the girls 'how it's done' hahaha!) and her modelling agency.

Also on the Aus series 'model-a-thon' that I watched they had a girl that was VISIBLY sick. Going to the bathroom after eating very little to throw up, skin hanging off her revolting skeletal frame and they let her stay over a gorgeous healthy looking girl.

As much as that disgusted me, I still watched because I love watching people make fools out of themselves.

Blogger Housekeeper said...

Hot chicks making asses of's better then Jessica Simpson asking if tuna is chicken.

Blogger katarina said...

"If I ever had the chance to sleep with her, I'd use my cock to play her ribs like a xylophone."

This turned me on a bit.

Blogger FRITZ said...

I want to eat those girls. Alive. And munch on their bones like a raptor, or something.

But I also like to rip apart the Victoria's Secret catalog and burn the faces off of the models.

I think that's called 'projection', or something.

Blogger Ćœbermilf said...

Reality TV is preserving our civilization's decline for future generations.

We had to read a book if we wanted to know what happened to the Romans; those lucky bastards in 2123 will just pop in a DVD.

Blogger Secret said...

Your writing cracks me up. If you do write a book, I'm so going to the book signing! I like this show but now you make me want to watch it in the dark...with no-one knowing!

Blogger tlsd said...

urgh... do you have to export that crap to us? ... and why do they call it reality TV? Do any of those walking skeletons really have a clue about reality?

Todds... my head hurts... *sulk* ... can you kiss it better?


Blogger Rachel said...

Gawd I fucking love you so much!!

Is it wrong for me to use "fucking" and "love" in the same sentence?


Blogger Cincysundevil said...

I love how those dimwitted fucks at MTV call that shit they put on the air "reality shows". For instance, I loathe the Real World. Yeah ... because in the real world, someone will just give a bunch of the best looking 22 year olds a house where they don't have to work, they can drink all day, and fuck all day. Yeah, that's reality. The old Real World was great where they had to get jobs, they had to pay bills, and people were getting into fist fights over who ate whose food ... now that is reality.

Blogger afromabq said...

i agree w/ have a way w/your words that do that to me quite frequently... :)

Blogger tlsd said...

... fucking and love go soooo well together in a sentence.. it works equally well this way around...

I love fucking.


Blogger Shelly said...

Fucking hilarious, Todd!!! Prattle of the damned, indeed.

Blogger JJ said...

Yeah, but you have to feel sorry for these women. They...

No, I guess you don't have to feel sorry for them.

Blogger miss kendra said...

and they get uglier and uglier.

they don't even look like women.

Blogger AWE said...

I would kill myself before I would sit down and watch a show. But on the other hand I would stop if they were showing Tyra as I flipped through.

Blogger Nick said...

Thye say that reality tv is popular, but every person I know claims they don't watch it. Many comments on this post exemplify this behavior.

You claim to only watch it because you like seeing people make asses of themselves, well it doesn't matter why you like it, the fact is you like it. They will never stop making shitty tv as long as mouth breathers who get off on watching other people's miserable fucking existences wise up and turn the fucking tv off.

Blogger Egan said...

This post pleases me very much. Todd, you ARE still in the running to become America's Next Top Model.

Oh, I had a sorry obsession with that show but then they kicked alcoholic Dickinson off and it went kinda downhill. The first and second seasons were pretty good, though.

"She refers to Nicole Ritchie as "fatso". If I ever had the chance to sleep with her, I'd use my cock to play her ribs like a xylophone. She needs to step away from Tyra Banks and get her boney ass to a buffet."

LOL! I'm rolling on the floor and Lionel Hampton is rolling in his grave!

Todd, what's your set list? "D'em Bones" and "Material Girl?"

Blogger diadima said...

i love that you've modified the word
cunt to be used as an adjective.

the whole cunting world.

bloody brilliant

Blogger Brookelina said...

It's a twat eat twat world.

Blogger yournamehere said...

I don't argue with people who are smarter than I am, so we'll just have to disagree on this one.

when I want to watch people make fools of themselves I go out in public.

see above response.

really? With you, I'd use my cock to have intercourse.

at least the Victoria's Secret models have curves.

Jesus, I wonder how dumb people will be by 2123? Will they be able to operate a DVD player by then?

don't feel ashamed because of anything I say. I'm sure your live isn't nearly as sad and pathetic as mine.

reality for them is called "old age" and it will hit them like Mike Tyson in his prime.

no, please use "fucking" and "love" in the same sentence the next time you talk to me.

I moved to Vegas when they started showing Real World Vegas. All it did was make me depressed about the blandness of my own life. Why couldn't I live at the Palms and drink all the time? I haven't watched a Real World since.

thanks. When I speak or actually meet someone it usually has the opposite effect.

Blogger Nick said...

I wasn't speaking of anyone in particular, just, you know, speaking. Out of anger.

Blogger yournamehere said...

good example. Way to show your work.

it's dialogue officially sanctioned by the keepers to the gates of hell.

Maybe they're all misunderstood. Or just cunts.

they look like boy transvestites.

Tyra is gorgeous. And my friend helped her at a Barnes and Noble he works at here in Vegas and said she was very friendly. She's just so overdramatic from the clips I've seen.

you are in rare form this week. Good stuff.

I could be the "before" in a weight loss ad, but that would be about it.

monkey mc,
ladies who show cleavage on their profile pics are immune to my criticism.

I'd play "Gone Daddy Gone" by Violent Femmes.

cunt isn't an adjective?

ummmmm, twat.

Blogger Princess LadyBug said...

I almost never say this out loud or in print because I'm overweight and I don't want it to sound like sour grapes. But when I look at women that skinny all I can think is that it much hurt to make love to them. I mean when you're poking a girl do you really want something poking you back?

Just a thought.

Blogger tlsd said...

Todds... it's 3.20am and I still want you to kiss my (new) hangover better....


Blogger Steph said...

" I'd use my cock to play her ribs like a xylophone. " BEST. QUOTE.EVER.

Blogger Zombie Lou said...

Lou Reed had sex with a girl that skinny once, he had to put it in soft and then get hard and listen to the bones crack.

Blogger Brookelina said...

Twat do I owe the pleasure?

Blogger FRITZ said...

Lou is a perfect make me...kinda vomit.

Blogger Lush said...

Once again a superior use of the word cunting.

I'm heading to the kitchen to get eat a cupcake in your honor.

Blogger Ilovebawlz said...

are you cunting kidding me!?

this show PWNZ! Mainly for one reason and one reason alone: Janice Dickensen cameos.

It doesn't get better than a coked up Janice Dickensen talking shit to 29 some self-conscious mary kate and ashley clones...nosiree.

Blogger Blonde said...

One of the girls this season is from Beaver Falls, PA. For cunts sake, you have to root for an emaciated twat from a place called Beaver Falls!

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