Thursday, March 02, 2006
I Spleen Hippies
The other day I was at work when I decided to take a break. It was a warm, sunny day, so I went outside and sat down on a bench. I was enjoying the nice weather but I did turn my body sideways to keep the sun from being directly in my face.

Everything was perfect until an unknown odor gave my olfactory senses the ol' 702 beatdown. The ungodly combination of patchulli oil and rampant stank made me think to myself, "Is the lead singer of Phish butt-fucking a skunk directly behind me?" No, it was a hippie. It was a god-damned stinking filthy good-for-cunt-all-nothing hippie.

Normally, when I'm in public and someone objectionable sits down next to me, my Southern mastery of fake politeness kicks in, and I wait a few minutes before I make my getaway. Not this time. I said aloud "What is that fucking smell?" and glared at the tragic waste of nature's handiwork as I walked away.

I know hippies are hated by people like Dick Cheney and Bill O'Reilly and Cartman; and that pisses me off even more, the fact that I'm forced to agree with those people about something. But I can't help it:
I hate hippies. I hate hate hate motherfucking hippies.
It's not like hippies are political, anyway. These spoiled, upper middle class lazy brats have one issue: The legalization of drugs, because it'll help the economy. What does some ass who's been living off a trust fund most of his life and has NEVER held a job know about the economy? And why do they think patchulli oil is a fair substitute for TAKING A SHOWER? Patchulli is in and of itself an offensive odor. Now try adding armpit funk to the mix.

Yes, hippies are basically harmless. When they inevitably ask for change and you tell them "no" they usually don't give you shit about it. Yes, there are far worse people in the world. I just can't smell them from a block away.


25 Comments:

Blogger Ilovebawlz said...

the smell of patchouli is pretty un-cunting-godly

Blogger Cherry! said...

I hate the walking cesspools of stench too. There are a few other strains of that vile odour gettin around here in Italy too. Revolting and highly offensive.

I often wonder 'Can't you fucking smell yourself?!?!'

Blogger katarina said...

Most old people smell that way. I have to work around it all day. I usually hold my breath until they move along.

And then there's the Amish. They only bathe one day a week. Don't even get me started.

Blogger AMS said...

down with crustiness

Blogger FRITZ said...

I guess my question is: "WHAT THE FUCK IS POLITICAL ABOUT NOT SHOWERING??"

But the answer (I think) is something about soap being inhumane to a species of lemur found on the northern pointe of Madagascar.

God Bless It, I hate hippies, now, too.
Well, add that one to the fucking list, as well.

Blogger Cincysundevil said...

I can totally see you sitting outside and doing your best not to wretch as that un-godly smell eminates from the unwashed hippie next to you. While I can appreciate the whole "Save the earth" or "legalize marijuana" thing, you're right; there is nothing wrong with being clean and taking a fucking shower every now and then.

Blogger Claudia said...

My parents were hippies, thanks a lot.

----

Isn't it the worst when you make a joke about something and then someone outta nowhere pulls out the "my father is a ..." or "my mother was a..." happens to me all the time.

by the way, my parents weren't hippies, I just wanted you to feel as uncomfortable as I do for a sec.

Blogger AWE said...

That makes me sick just thinking about BO.

Blogger Trix said...

Here, here!

I hate those smelly, granola-eating, tree-hugging, Birkenstock-wearing mother fuckers.

But I love you.

Blogger √úbermilf said...

Hippies taste good on crackers.

Blogger miss kendra said...

i agree 100% completely. patchouli is the smell that would make satan cry.

and i'm sorry, but 99% of white people look rigoddamdiculous with dreads so shave the nasty bug homes off!

Blogger Slutbag said...

the worst is around here they all drive subaru's. if you are poor and trying to live off the land, you don't need to roll an 2004 subaru. its not right!

Blogger Shelly said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

Blogger Shelly said...

I totally agree. And I will extend it to anyone who thinks that dumping a bottle of cologne over their head is equivalent to bathing. Ewwww.....

Blogger Egan said...

Subarus? I thought they all drove old VW campervans.

Todd,

I live blocks away from the Haight-Ashbury and we don't call them Hippies over here. They having nothing to do with the original spirit of Hippiedom and it's just like you said, they're just a bunch of brats that don't want to take baths and just do drugs all day.

I remember the original Hippies and they had three days funk at worst, these cats just want to do meth, crack or heroin. They just panhandle and break into your car when they didnt' scrounge up enough for their next fix.

They just want to jay-walk against the light across Stanyan and cuss at you when you toot (not honk) your horn.

For those who think I'm being harsh about this:

Try replacing your car windows twice, try having anything you leave outside for a minute stolen, try walking your child around the pitbulls that they can barely keep leashed or explain to your kid why are they shooting up in broad daylight.

Don't even get me started about the smell...

Blogger JJ said...

I've never really figured out what being stanky has to do with being a hippie. Maybe it has more to do with being lazy.

Blogger Tumbleweed said...

I didn't know what dreads really were until recently. Now I am totally grossed out! As for the hippie, I just think it sucks he ruined a wonderful moment like that. I would give anything to go out in warm weather and sit on a bench. Bastard!!

Blogger Brookelina said...

People who wear patchouli should be skinned alive and their organs donated to science.

And those are my good thoughts.

Blogger yournamehere said...

bawlz,
I applaud the liberal use of the word "cunt".

cherry,
I think they get used to the smell.

kat,
I loathe the Amish. Step up to the twenty-first century, assholes.

ams,
crustiness must be eliminated.

fritz,
I like to give people more things to hate.

cincy,
water is still kinda cheap, even in the desert.

claudia,
I didn't feel uncomfortable. You would have forgiven me.

awe,
you should have smelled it.

trix,
And I love you, too.

Blogger yournamehere said...

ubie,
hippies usually are crackers.

kendra,
I don't get whiteys with dreads.

slutbag,
yeah, all of the Louisville hippies drove gas-guzzling SUVs.

shelly,
the elderly unwashed like to bathe in Old Spice.

egan,
the old school hippies drive the VW buses.

writepro,
you said it better than I did, man. I LOVED the Bay Area when I was there, but there seems to be a climate in San Francisco that encourages panhandling.

jj,
I don't mind lazy; just don't turn your laziness into a self-important psuedo-movement.

tumbleweed,
yeah, it won't be long before it's 120 degrees here and I won't be able to stand it outside.

brooke,
you're sexy when you're violent. And when you're not violent.

Blogger Rachel said...

I am so glad you know that I shower.

Lovin' you in all the ways you like.

Blogger Knitty Kitty said...

TFG says the same thing about hippies.

Another post that was better then cable television. Thanks for making us laugh.

Also! I love your boob-centric-ness, keep it up.

Blogger Lush said...

I sat next to one of those woolie bastards on the bus yesterday. There was no out, it was a packed express bus. It started to rain and people started shutting the windows and hatches. I'm lucky to not have suffocated from that Stinker.

Blogger Lulu said...

Do you want to know what is worse than the nasty fucking patchoului? I'll tell you what's worse. Goddamn Nag Champa. That motherfucking inscense they burn to cover up the smell of a fithy house filled with stank ass clothing and dog shit and whatever the hell they happen to be smoking at time. That's what worse than Patchouli.

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