Things I've learned at strip clubs

I was so bored on Sunday that I wrote both this post and the one about 10,000 Maniacs. I was going to run this one yesterday, but then I had the brilliant albeit controversial idea of offering beads for tits. Since this is about strippers, I guess it fits the tit theme.

I haven't been to a strip club since I was back home for the holidays, and I don't think I'll go back anytime soon, but I've been to a few in my day, and those naked women have taught me valuable lessons.

The more tits in the room, the more you'll fork over for alcohol
"Oh, six dollars for a bottle of crappy domestic beer? No problem." The nightclubs in Las Vegas operate under the same premise, only the tits are semi-covered.

If you're a guy, the strippers probably hate you
The worst aspects of male behavior are waved in the faces of these women like so many flaccid cocks. They hate you for it. No, really; I know she stroked your ego and laughed at your jokes, but she fucking despises you. Once I got a stripper to admit that she loathed all men, myself included. I bought drinks for her the rest of the evening.

Okay, there's one thing they like about you
You have something every stripper wants. It's six inches long with a big head. It's the hundred dollar bill in your wallet.

Strippers use nice guys as cheap therapists
Her struggling musician boyfriend isn't going to listen to her drama; her girlfriends are as self-absorbed as she is; and most of her customers just want to slip a finger in her cootch. When she sniffs out a nice guy - and she can smell one like a fart in an elevator - she will pound him with her problems. This has happened to me before. A stripper wearing nothing but a g-string would sit at my table for an hour and never ask for a penny, but she'd unload her stripper drama on me. There's no drama like stripper drama. That's a David Mamet play kind of drama.
Some strippers are all business, though. They always ask for money and keep their problems bottled up inside them. They're the ones who eventually overdose on meth or oxycotin.

Strippers in Louisville lie about being from Louisville
All Louisville strippers are going to school at the University of Cincinnati and make the hundred-mile (each way) commute to earn money for college. At first it seems like a legitimate story because Cincinnati has strict adult entertainment laws that make stripping there about as lucrative as greeting at Wal-Mart, but I smelled a rat when they ALL floated the same bullshit.
One of the girls told me they say that because if people from Louisville think you're a native, they automatically ask what high school you're from, what year you graduated, and "Hey do you know insert random asshole's name here? He graduated the same year."
One girl told me her real name, the private girls-only academy where she attended high school, and which neighborhood she lived in. Good thing for her I wasn't a stalker or I'd be eating hard candy from her hollowed-out skull.

Don't worry about your appearance
I've never had a lot of confidence regarding the way I look, but that really doesn't matter at a strip club. If he had the money, Jabba the Hut could get a lapdance.

If there's a convention of farmers or rodeo cowboys in town, stay the fuck away
Do I really need to explain this one?

All strip club DJs sound exactly the same and play the exact same songs
Wanted: DJ with non-regional accent for work at a local gentlemen's club. Knowledge of the Motley Crue cataloque required. Must play Nine Inch Nails' 'Closer' at least four times a night.

There's no sex in the champagne room, but there is in the dark corner of a run-down shithole
It's true that if you go to a nice upscale titty bar you WILL NOT be having sex of any kind on the premises; but I knew these guys in Louisville who went to a place called the Greenlight, and apparently the light was always green when it came to paying the girls a little extra and then fucking the beheyzeus out of them. I also worked with a guy in Vegas who was banned for life from a dumpy old club for having sex with a stripper. If the establishment smells like tawdry sex, odds are you can have some if you're willing to pay for it.

That's about enough knowledge for one post.