Wednesday, March 01, 2006
Things I've learned at strip clubs
I was so bored on Sunday that I wrote both this post and the one about 10,000 Maniacs. I was going to run this one yesterday, but then I had the brilliant albeit controversial idea of offering beads for tits. Since this is about strippers, I guess it fits the tit theme.

I haven't been to a strip club since I was back home for the holidays, and I don't think I'll go back anytime soon, but I've been to a few in my day, and those naked women have taught me valuable lessons.

The more tits in the room, the more you'll fork over for alcohol
"Oh, six dollars for a bottle of crappy domestic beer? No problem." The nightclubs in Las Vegas operate under the same premise, only the tits are semi-covered.

If you're a guy, the strippers probably hate you
The worst aspects of male behavior are waved in the faces of these women like so many flaccid cocks. They hate you for it. No, really; I know she stroked your ego and laughed at your jokes, but she fucking despises you. Once I got a stripper to admit that she loathed all men, myself included. I bought drinks for her the rest of the evening.

Okay, there's one thing they like about you
You have something every stripper wants. It's six inches long with a big head. It's the hundred dollar bill in your wallet.

Strippers use nice guys as cheap therapists
Her struggling musician boyfriend isn't going to listen to her drama; her girlfriends are as self-absorbed as she is; and most of her customers just want to slip a finger in her cootch. When she sniffs out a nice guy - and she can smell one like a fart in an elevator - she will pound him with her problems. This has happened to me before. A stripper wearing nothing but a g-string would sit at my table for an hour and never ask for a penny, but she'd unload her stripper drama on me. There's no drama like stripper drama. That's a David Mamet play kind of drama.
Some strippers are all business, though. They always ask for money and keep their problems bottled up inside them. They're the ones who eventually overdose on meth or oxycotin.

Strippers in Louisville lie about being from Louisville
All Louisville strippers are going to school at the University of Cincinnati and make the hundred-mile (each way) commute to earn money for college. At first it seems like a legitimate story because Cincinnati has strict adult entertainment laws that make stripping there about as lucrative as greeting at Wal-Mart, but I smelled a rat when they ALL floated the same bullshit.
One of the girls told me they say that because if people from Louisville think you're a native, they automatically ask what high school you're from, what year you graduated, and "Hey do you know insert random asshole's name here? He graduated the same year."
One girl told me her real name, the private girls-only academy where she attended high school, and which neighborhood she lived in. Good thing for her I wasn't a stalker or I'd be eating hard candy from her hollowed-out skull.

Don't worry about your appearance
I've never had a lot of confidence regarding the way I look, but that really doesn't matter at a strip club. If he had the money, Jabba the Hut could get a lapdance.

If there's a convention of farmers or rodeo cowboys in town, stay the fuck away
Do I really need to explain this one?

All strip club DJs sound exactly the same and play the exact same songs
Wanted: DJ with non-regional accent for work at a local gentlemen's club. Knowledge of the Motley Crue cataloque required. Must play Nine Inch Nails' 'Closer' at least four times a night.

There's no sex in the champagne room, but there is in the dark corner of a run-down shithole
It's true that if you go to a nice upscale titty bar you WILL NOT be having sex of any kind on the premises; but I knew these guys in Louisville who went to a place called the Greenlight, and apparently the light was always green when it came to paying the girls a little extra and then fucking the beheyzeus out of them. I also worked with a guy in Vegas who was banned for life from a dumpy old club for having sex with a stripper. If the establishment smells like tawdry sex, odds are you can have some if you're willing to pay for it.

That's about enough knowledge for one post.


38 Comments:

Blogger Ilovebawlz said...

wow...so much...information!

Blogger yournamehere said...

bawlz,
I'm like a walking encyclopedia, huh?

Blogger Egan said...

Which cute blogger has blue fingernails? No mention of shower dances? I guess there's always a next stripper post.

Add this to your stripper information. In Washington state you can't drink booze at strip clubs. Just pop/soda. Makes you feel like an even bigger perv if you ask me.

Blogger Cherry! said...

You should write a book on this subject.

Blogger Empress said...

Henderson, have you ever been to Glitter Gulch? I went to Glitter Gulch down on Freemont Street, before it was FREEMONT STREET. Took a guy friend in there....he was a good old Mormon boy, visiting me from Salt Lake City.

I'm an adventurous gal.....could swing both ways if the right gal offers, but the strippers at the Gulch had to have been the most butt ugly dames, and ok....get your vomit bag ready....WITH SORES ALL OVER THEIR ASSES!!! Shaking them in our faces! I had to tell one to get her VD ass out of my face or I was going to kick it! After that, Mormon boy and I got out of there and went back to my place and washed ourselves with antiseptic.

I still have nightmares about those sore asses in my face.....*shudder*

Blogger AWE said...

Stripper drama, I have been on the receiving end of that. It got to the point one time that I told the girl to shut the fuck up.

Blogger Nick said...

All strip club bouncers are roided up.

Blogger Mushy said...

I am pretty sure most states have a law that says if they serve alcohol, the strippers can't get naked. If the strippers take it all off, they can't serve alcohol. That is how it is here on the east coast anyway. But I think my brothers told me the same about Vegas . . .

Blogger WhiteBoyBob said...

Another top-notch post. I particularly liked the therapist bit - hilarious!

Seriously man, you ought to get all the best bits from your blog and make a book out of it. World-wide best seller, I guarantee it!

Blogger tlsd said...

Todds... ah see I never need go to a strip club now...

You're soooooo wise.

I feel so enlightened.

Blogger Tumbleweed said...

I bet you were hoping we would all have more respect for stippers now...not happenin, but I'll go watch them take their clothes off.

Blogger yournamehere said...

egan,
blue fingernails? Pants? I guessed her because you seem to bring her up a lot.

cherry,
I was going to write something where the main character gets caught up with a stripper.

empress,
every one of them had sores on their asses? I guess the lesson to be learned is "Ladies, if you have to use the toilet at Glitter Gulch, do the old hover manueveur."

Never been, though. When I visited here as a tourist, our cabbie practically INSISTED on taking us there instead of Club Paradise, where we wanted to go (and is nowhere near Fremont, as you know); we ignored him (thank god) and when to CP.

awe,
they badmouth the other dancers. One of them said "She'll blow anyone for fifty dollars after her shift" and I'm thinking "Is this supposed to be a bad thing?"

nick,
Ironic how they're muscle-bound and surrounded by beautiful women, but the roids have made them sport hamster junk.

mushy,
there was a place in Louisville that always fought that law, so they'd serve alcohol and (in a smart move to avoid any lawsuits) allowed the girls to decide if they wanted to take the bottoms off. Most did, because they made more money that way. The strip club laws in Vegas are actually more strict than the ones in Louisville.

bob,
Will you be my agent?

tlsd,
when you come to Vegas, yes you do have to go to a strip club.

andi,
I am an enlightener.

tumble,
no, I don't have respect or disrespect for them. Most of them are money-grubbing but it's understandable because they can't strip forever and their is no stripper retirement fund. I'm with you in that I'd just like to watch them take it off.

Blogger da buttah said...

so i gotta find a sleezy ass stripper joint to get laid?

damnit! this shit is too complicated!

Blogger Übermilf said...

I think I'll just look at my own boobs in a mirror, pound some gin and tonics and read my old high school journals.

I'm on a budget.

Blogger tlsd said...

Todds... could you do a lap dance for me instead and then I wouldn't have to experience toilet hovering...

I'd tip generously...

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

I don't have blue fingernails. (Viva- this is where you can mention how we've met and Egan will do that I want to put hard candy in Pants' skull dance.)

I don't really have anything to add to the stripper discussion unless you want to hear about frightening male strippers.

Blogger tlsd said...

pants... do tell, how exactly did you frighten male strippers?

PS: the vision of egan doing a 'I want to put hard candy in Pants' skull dance made me faint...

Blogger Egan said...

Pants, I'm feeling a little...you know... horny today. Don't tease me.

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

Whoops, I didn't mean to insinuate that I frightened male strippers. Male strippers frighten me. A lot.

Blogger tlsd said...

Pants... shame, that sounded interesting!
*smirk*
Male strippers... *shudder*... why do they exsist?

Egan... Nice horn.

Blogger AWE said...

Just thought I would add that in TN they bare it all and serve alcohol. Hell you can still smoke here.

Blogger SRB said...

At one point I wanted to go to all the seedy tiddy bars of Louisville because of something I was writing for school. Paticularly Thoroughbred Lounges I-IV (roman numerals, neon paint and all) that line Dixie Highway. Your post makes me feel like I've already been there. Mmm... the smell of skank sexin'.

One time at the Connexion (or however you spell the misspelling) I found myself eye level with a nearly nude male stripper's ass (and if he turned around, his cock). He had to have been over 6 feet normally, but with his cowboy boots it was like 6'6 or something. I had never seen any guy who was so skinny yet so "curvy" at the same time - all encased in a pink thong. That's my strip club story.

Blogger Slutbag said...

you are so full of knowledge - i am smarter for just knowing you!

Blogger Trix said...

I was thinking of a career change. After reading this, I think I've ruled out stripping.

Blogger BSN said...

C'mon, guys, tip your favorite dancer - she's working hard to keep you that way!

Mmmmmm... memories...

Blogger Brookelina said...

I love Todd.

Blogger Hackneygirl said...

Jesus. You should come to England.
David Mamet? How evolved. Here, it's more like Alan Bennett. English strippers only seem to evoke a sense of despair.
They remove their thongs when the weight of coins drags it down...

Blogger joanne said...

I am glad I am not male.

Blogger Knitty Kitty said...

Wow,I never have to enter a strip club, ever
lucky me "That's a David Mamet play kind of drama
made me laugh uncontrollably, what with my addiction to all things Mamet lately.
Sidenote watching "Glenngary Glenn Ross" before looking into used cars is key.

Blogger Delilah A. said...

Well. That just about described my mother's life to a 'T'.

What the fuck does that mean,anyway...'to a T'?

I got fucked in the laundry room once but the motherfucker has yet to pay up.

Blogger Budding Rose said...

Naked = good.

Blogger Übermilf said...

I almost punched out a male stripper once.

He was dressed as Zorro.

I was as uncomfortable as the time I was 9 and my friend's dog was humping my back.

Blogger yournamehere said...

buttah,
I think if you really wanted to get laid, you would merely have to go where guys are.

ubie,
why am I turned on by the thought of you reading your old high school journals?

tlsd,
if by "tip generously" you mean you'll give me a blowjob, then yes.

pants,
I did meet you, didn't I? And, as I recall, you met me.

tlsd,
I think having a vagina would frighten most male strippers, because they're gay.

egan,
a unicorn? Why not a Care Bear for Christ's sake?

pants,
they shouldn't frighten you. You don't have a penis (as far as I know) so it's not like they'd attack you.

tlsd,
they exist for really old drunk women and gay men.

awe,
you gotta love Tennessee.

eden,
I've been to only two "seedy" places in Louisville, The Chicago Club, which is long gone, and The Bodyshop, which I believe is still open. I'll have to write about the Bodyshop experience. It was surreal.

Blogger yournamehere said...

slutbag,
I am the Johnny Appleseed of worthless information.

trix,
from what I know of you, you seem way too genuine to be a stripper. But she's hot enough, folks.

bsn,
hey, they said that at the club I used to go to. Proving my point that they must send those DJs to Strip Club DJ school.

brooke,
I love you; and I'm glad you're back, sweetie.

hackney,
they tip strippers in coin? Ha.

joanne,
they aren't all as horrible as me.

knitty,
I wrote that line specifically so you wouldn't completely despise me for being so boobcentric these past few days.

delilah,
will he pay in coins?

budding rose,
I agree. I didn't put up with bad music, expensive drinks and stripper drama for nothing, you know.

ubie,
the thought of you punching a male stripper fills my heart with joy.

Blogger Cincysundevil said...

Damn it all to hell!!! I went to Univ. of Cincinnati and trust me, there were very, very few stripper quality girls there. Oh why must I be tormented so?

Blogger yournamehere said...

It was all a lie, Cincy. A few girls, because of the conservative nature of your former city, would live and strip in Louisville on the weekends, but most of them were lying Louisville natives.

I'm from Louisville. I never had any sleazy stripper sex.

I'm going back with a 50. Is that enough?

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