I was going to do a review of the Academy Awards the way I've done the last few M-TV award shows and the Golden Globes, but I missed most of the show. They showed it live here, starting at 5pm pacific time.
I thought it would be tape-delayed, like everything else. Who the cunt wants to watch the Oscars before dinner? So I tuned in at 8pm and the god damn thing was almost over. I missed the supporting actor categories and my favorite part, when they play sad music and show all of the movie stars who died in the past year. How am I supposed to keep up with my dead celebrities? I like watching that and thinking to myself, "Damn, I thought he died years ago."
Of course, I also missed all of the stupid production numbers, lame musical guests, and those stiffs from Price-Waterhouse explaining how the votes are tabulated, so maybe it was for the best.
I saw about the last thirty minutes of it, so I guess I'll review it.
-When I turned on the TV Reece Witherspoon was accepting her Best Actress award. I thought she should have won for Legally Blonde, so this is way overdue. She was very gracious in her speech. She even thanked her non-talented husband, Ryan Witherspoon.
-As someone who likes to write I guess I should have paid a little more attention to who won the Best Screenplay awards. The guy who wrote the script for Brokeback Mountain was wearing a tuxedo jacket and a pair of jeans. The presenter should have bounced the Oscar off his skull. Every shitty club in Las Vegas has a dress code, but this guy can just wear whatever he wants to the Academy Awards?
-Ang Lee won Best Director. Okay, is this the guy responsible for that dreadful Hulk movie a few years ago? I don't care how good his latest movie is; he should be ineligible for ALL AWARDS because of that Hulk shit. Todd angry. Todd smash.
-Jack Nicholson came out wearing his stupid sunglasses. I wonder if dimwitted people think he's doing a Christian Slater impression?
-In a stunning upset, Crash, a movie not about gay cowboys, won Best Picture. I haven't seen any of the pictures nominated, because none of them promise madcap misadventures, hilarious hijinks, or zany antics.
-Okay, so a producer of Crash was accepting her award and they cut her speech short. What the fuck? The band played her off the stage. Hey, dickwads, this wasn't Best Foreign Documentary or Best Choreography Involving Teens Who've Just Been "Served"; this was BEST PICTURE. I would have gone insane if I was her. I would have screamed obscenities and hurled an Oscar at the band.
Jon Stewart hosted. I hope he didn't ruin his career. Letterman's ratings have never been the same since he hosted.