Tuesday, March 07, 2006
I watch the Academy Awards so...oh, fuck. Nevermind.

I was going to do a review of the Academy Awards the way I've done the last few M-TV award shows and the Golden Globes, but I missed most of the show. They showed it live here, starting at 5pm pacific time.

I thought it would be tape-delayed, like everything else. Who the cunt wants to watch the Oscars before dinner? So I tuned in at 8pm and the god damn thing was almost over. I missed the supporting actor categories and my favorite part, when they play sad music and show all of the movie stars who died in the past year. How am I supposed to keep up with my dead celebrities? I like watching that and thinking to myself, "Damn, I thought he died years ago."

Of course, I also missed all of the stupid production numbers, lame musical guests, and those stiffs from Price-Waterhouse explaining how the votes are tabulated, so maybe it was for the best.

I saw about the last thirty minutes of it, so I guess I'll review it.

-When I turned on the TV Reece Witherspoon was accepting her Best Actress award. I thought she should have won for Legally Blonde, so this is way overdue. She was very gracious in her speech. She even thanked her non-talented husband, Ryan Witherspoon.

-As someone who likes to write I guess I should have paid a little more attention to who won the Best Screenplay awards. The guy who wrote the script for Brokeback Mountain was wearing a tuxedo jacket and a pair of jeans. The presenter should have bounced the Oscar off his skull. Every shitty club in Las Vegas has a dress code, but this guy can just wear whatever he wants to the Academy Awards?

-Ang Lee won Best Director. Okay, is this the guy responsible for that dreadful Hulk movie a few years ago? I don't care how good his latest movie is; he should be ineligible for ALL AWARDS because of that Hulk shit. Todd angry. Todd smash.

-Jack Nicholson came out wearing his stupid sunglasses. I wonder if dimwitted people think he's doing a Christian Slater impression?

-In a stunning upset, Crash, a movie not about gay cowboys, won Best Picture. I haven't seen any of the pictures nominated, because none of them promise madcap misadventures, hilarious hijinks, or zany antics.

-Okay, so a producer of Crash was accepting her award and they cut her speech short. What the fuck? The band played her off the stage. Hey, dickwads, this wasn't Best Foreign Documentary or Best Choreography Involving Teens Who've Just Been "Served"; this was BEST PICTURE. I would have gone insane if I was her. I would have screamed obscenities and hurled an Oscar at the band.

Jon Stewart hosted. I hope he didn't ruin his career. Letterman's ratings have never been the same since he hosted.


Blogger diadima said...

ryan witherspoon...i love it.

i didn't watch it either- due to my new spartan existance where i am sans television.

if you haven't seen crash yet, you should. it's excellent.

Blogger miss kendra said...

i saw exactly the parts you did.

i watched the independent spirit awards though. they were funny. i didn't even know they were happening until i drove by.

Larry McMurtry was the writer for Brokeback. He can, indeed, wear whatever the hell he wants. And could probably buy and sell everyone there. Right on jean-wearers of the world!

Blogger guerrilla blogger said...

everyone is talking about crash, i thought it was that movie based off the j.g. ballard book, where people get off on car wrecks...

Blogger guerrilla blogger said...

oh, and call it heresy or whatever, but jack nicholson is a one trick pony, and i'm bored with his one crappy ass trick...

Blogger Cincysundevil said...

Crash was a decent movie; I liked it alot. What is even funnier is that I can't convince anyone to go see Brokeback. It's as if they're afraid that they'll be thought of as gay. I, for one, am not afraid of this; I've been told by gay friends in college that NO ONE would ever mistake me for gay because I don't dress nice enough.

Blogger Cherry! said...

They didn't show any of it here in Italy, so I'm busy checking websites etc for the fashion and goss.

Blogger katarina said...

I didn't watch it. I never watch it. I haven't seen any of the movies that were nominated.

Just not a fan of award shows. They're long and boring. I can think of much better things to do for 3 hours.

Blogger FRITZ said...


I spent my evening perusing free porn sites for mocking purposes. Much more fulfilling.

Blogger Claudia said...

I thought she deserved that Oscar after that awesome movie where she was dead and then some guy who is alive and iving in her apartment falls in love with her and she realizes that she's dead but love brings her back to life. That shit was deep.

Also, I cound not believe that they shooed the producer of Crash off the stage either! WTF! I would have kicked them all in the balls while calling their mothers bitches.


I just re-read my comment and I have come to the conclusion that I have a potty mouth today, sorry. I can already see the direction this day will take...

Blogger tlsd said...

Todds... YES when you win an Oscar you can wear anything you bloody well want.

Ang Lee… everyone’s allowed a fuck up occasionally! The guy did Brokeback Mountain AND Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, and is therefore allowed to make fuck-ups from now until the end of time.

The twat who didn’t stop the band playing should being publicly hung, drawn and quartered.

Who the fuck is Jon Stewart anyway.

Blogger AWE said...

I might have watched the Oscars if they hadn't been showing the African beetle on the learning channel.

Blogger Trix said...

Thought I'd stop by & say hi...I've been MIA for a few days. Miss you, Todd!

Blogger Anna said...

For all your dead celebrity needs.

Blogger Übermilf said...

I hate Robert Altman.

Blogger Lush said...

I'm all montaged out...couldn't make it the whole way.

All the celebs are probably having their personal chefs cook up a storm as they can finally eat again.

Look for upcoming issues of WHO/PEOPLE about 'Celebrities fighting fat.'

Blogger Knitty Kitty said...

We have no daily show here so it was nice to get my Jon fix, otherwise it was all pretty bland.

I did love that it got a little easier for a pimp (or did you miss that part too?)

Everyone expects the oscars to run long, so cutting people off really quickly and playing the music from the start of acceptance speeches was just insane.

Blogger yournamehere said...

no television? Are you Amish?

of course you did, because you thought it would start at 8:00 like it did every fuckin' year.

I am aware of Larry McMurtry, thank you. He could have rented a tux, is all I'm sayin'.

yeah, Jack was great as the Joker, but that was 1989.

I'm too unfashionable and out of shape to ever be thought gay. Is Brokeback Mountain as good as Unforgiven, though? If not, I'm not going to see it.

they don't have the Academy Awards in Italy? Oh, yeah, they have actual culture there.

I can think of a better thing to do for three hours. It involves me, you, and a tub of whipped topping.

do you mock them via email? "You call that fucking, limp dick?"

Blogger yournamehere said...

I have no idea what you're talking about.

I didn't like Crouching Tiger. And Hulk was abysmal. Just terrible.

Who is Jon Stewart? A funny guy when he isn't on award shows.

the African beetle is the unladen swallow of the insect world.

I miss you too, hottie.

thank you. I'll check that out.

then I hate him as well.

oh no, one of them might not have protruding ribs.

no Daily Show? Are you Amish?
I must love that joke.

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

Who's Jack Nicholson?

Blogger Ilovebawlz said...

Mr. Witherspoon or not, he's ha-ta-ta-ta.

Crash was truly awesome. I'm glad it won.

Blogger Knitty Kitty said...

no daily show in australia, silly!

Blogger yournamehere said...

you know WAY too much about Brian Austin Greene, so you'd better know who Jack is.

he's more talented than K-Fed, I'll give him that.

duh. I was using my tired ass Amish joke out of context.

Jon Stewart's on basic cable, he can't possibly hurt his ratings.

Don't forget that Ang also did "Crouching Tiger" and "Eat, Drink, Man, Woman."

"everyone is talking about crash, i thought it was that movie based off the j.g. ballard book, where people get off on car wrecks..."

There's forty minutes of my life that I can never get back.

Blogger yournamehere said...

Tina Fey said "Eat, Drink, Man, Woman" was Arnold Schwartzenegger asking someone out.

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

Of course I don't. I mean do. I mean, I'm heavily medicated and I think my tongue is turning into bubble gum.

Egan taught me everything I needed to know about Brian Austin Greene. Egan is a sponge for 90210 trivia.

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