Saturday, March 11, 2006
My personal ad
SIN CITY SINGLE SEEKS SOULMATE
(or at least a decent blowjob)

VITAL
name: Todd
gender: Male
body type: Fat but dieting
occupation: life-waster
age: too old for the mosh pit

SEEKING
female, age "old enough to drink legally" to "won't break hip if falls"

ABOUT ME
I'm quite witty and charming if you've never met anyone who actually is charming. In my spare time I enjoy blogging to soothe my fragile ego, drinking bourbon to excess, watching women make out, eating pizza and feeling guilty about it, and one-sided flirting.

ABOUT MY MATCH
The female for me would be smart, funny, be able to laugh at life's absurdities, and be moderate to liberal politically, but not a dirty smelly hippie. Ability to suck the chrome off of a trailer hitch a plus.

LIKES
Yodeling in the gully (also known as eating at the 'Y'), receiving blowjobs as a result of successful yodeling, recreational lesbianism, women who aren't palsy-twats.

DISLIKES
Arrogance, self-importance, dirty smelly hippies, women who are palsy-twats.

IN MY OWN WORDS
I'm tired of the dating scene (the scene of my dating consists of me masturbating while weeping uncontrollably) and would like to meet someone who doesn't resent my being alive. I'm willing to relocate, but only to someplace good. If your town sucks then move here already. I promise to keep you laughing; if not with me, then at me.


40 Comments:

Blogger FRITZ said...

Garn. If I didn't have an Intended and everything, I would so be on that. However, I must ask...
What is a palsy-twat?

Blogger Anna said...

I currently live in Ireland where I moved for better weather. How do you feel about husbands and children? Can we work something out?

I mean I could dress hubby up as a lesbian; the kids are nearly old enough to reach the stove...

Blogger mindlessgirl said...

hippies are dirty and smelly...i live in the armpit of hippiedom...the politics here are grand, but come at too high a cost...too many danskos and too much patchouli...

Blogger Übermilf said...

Hmmm... I can't fulfill the requirements, but I can write a testimonial for you.

"Todd really works! I've tried other Todds, but this Todd far surpassed any other Todd on the market.

If you've tried other Todds and been disappointed, make this Todd the very next Todd you take home. Satisfaction guaranteed!"

Blogger Cherry! said...

I also need to clarify the 'palsy-twat' thing too....

Blogger your anti-hero said...

I'd hook you up but I know only palsy twats.

Blogger Debby said...

Good ad - straight to the point - how could any woman resist.

But, what exactly is a palsy-twat?

Blogger yournamehere said...

fritz,
I must say, your intended is a lucky man. A palsy twat is just slang I invented meaning a horrible female, just a bad person in general.

anna,
better weather? Where did you live before, the North Pole?

mindlessgirl,
what's so Republican about bathing?

ubie,
I worship you as a god.

cherry,
see above explanation.

anti,
no, you're just hogging all the non-palsys.

debby,
how could any woman resist? Ask them all.

Blogger mindlessgirl said...

my point exactly...like being a progressive and deoderant are somehow mutually exclusive...just makes me nuts, i tell you...also, stinky hippies mixed with chai makes me gag...that's another thing my town has a lot of...chai drinkers...

oh and hey, yeah, what is a palsy twat?? is it a twat that's spastic...prone to tics...what is it??? see, perhaps my still waters don't run too deep and that the mindless thing isn't a sham...anyway, please right my cluelessness...

Blogger tlsd said...

Todds... well you know I'd apply...

Added bonus: I'm not a palsy-twat
*ahem*

ps: it was ubermilf's testimonal that did it for me...

Blogger Knitty Kitty said...

wow.
Thats a personal ad I would reply to.

Blogger Todd said...

As a "Todd", I fully endorse Todd as a potential soulmate.

Blogger Princess LadyBug said...

Well I don't think I'm a palsy-twat and I have been told I could suck the chrome off of a trailer hitch.

But if I apply I'm just going to look like a stalker, aren't I? Or even a Todd groupie. Does that lessen my appeal? What can I do to sway your decision in my favor? I'll do anything. Anything at all!!

That doesn't sound too desperate, does it? :P

Blogger FRITZ said...

Ah! I blush...momentarily. Thank you. And thank you for the clarification on palsy-twat. Now that we are clear on that, I shall be borrowing from you. I know several palsy-twats.

Also: when the twat has an orgasm, it also has a palsy. So, at some point, all women are palsying twats. Hopefully all women.

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

If I were to fall, I'd probably break a hip.

I'm it. Dallas is good. Come hither.

Blogger Nick said...

I do that "masturbate while I weep uncontrollably" thing, except I use my tears as lube.

That ad is like a case of champagne and a Ferrari, dude! You are so there!

"I promise to keep you laughing; if not with me, then at me."

The one caveat. After almost fifteen years, the Missus stopped laughing at me and just throws things at me.

Blogger The DogGrrrrl said...

I'd answer this before any other ad. I'd prefer vulgar wit over the repetitive pussy boy sensitive ads these inane twits use. Then again, I'm attracted to anyone who uses the term twat regularly.

Oh, and I'd give you testimonials too.

Blogger Cincysundevil said...

You're totally the romantic. You'll probably have women throwing offers at you while the only thing women will be throwing at me are restraining orders.

Blogger Empress said...

I've never had a Todd.

Blogger yournamehere said...

mindless,
I've already explained palsy twat, and there will be a quiz later.

tlsd,
ubie is quite the salesperson.

knitty,
I enjoy your barely-concealed disdain for me.

todd,
thanks. We todd's need to stick together.

ladybug,
really, a stalker is just someone with persistance, except for that guy who shot the girl from "My Sister Sam." He was nuts.

fritz,
that term, for our purposes, has nothing to do with orgasms.

Blogger yournamehere said...

pants,
I think you know you'd get an excemption from any regulations I might have.

andi,
One day your mom is going to call you at work and say, "Andi, there's a big middle-aged man on our porch who says he moved here to be your soulmate. You know anything about this?"
I'd take you up on this if you were serious.

nick,
that is a great tip. Thanks, man.

writepro,
I'm sure your reflexes are tuned now, from years of ducking and dodging.

doggrrrl,
I'll only say "twat" if that's what you want.

cincy,
what I am, it's the opposite of what anyone wants.

empress,
most haven't.

Blogger Secret said...

Darlin', I'm sorry I'm already married but I got a cute sister-in-law.......I sooo get your humor but she's kinda shallow.....I'm going to be in Vegas in may......

Blogger tlsd said...

... London's cool... fancy relocating to London? If you don't like it, I'd try LV/Louisville...
*wink*
xxx

Blogger Princess LadyBug said...

Well in that case I'll be your stalker. Is Houston an improvement over Las Vegas?

Who says I'm not serious?! If I ever make it out to Vegas you're in trouble.

Blogger Brookelina said...

Oh oh oh, I think I have to rip off this idea. I will give you props for the idea. And I'll throw in some sex too.

Blogger Egan said...

You're the apple of my eye Todd.

Blogger Trix said...

She's out there, Todd...you're f'ing fantastic. You'll find her.

Blogger guerrilla blogger said...

god you are pathetic. i know this cause you sound EXACLTY like me, only now that i think about it, i am actually more pathetic than you, so, dude, you are pretty damn cool....

Blogger Phain said...

...can't...get...wedding ring...off...fast enough... I'm coming big boy!

Blogger yournamehere said...

teri,
the story of my life is that the one who gets me is married and the one who's single would probably hate me.

tlsd,
there's a town in Kentucky called London, but I wouldn't live there.

ladybug,
no offense, but no, I don't think Houston would be an improvement.

andi,
you're the kind of "trouble" I need more of. Please hurry up and visit.

brooke,
less props, more sex, please.

egan,
your wife would be jealous.

trix,
thanks, but I'm about to give up, I think.

guerilla,
pathetic and cool, that's me.

le chat,
I don't want your marriage to break up or anything, but how soon can you get to Vegas?

Blogger K said...

What? No photo? It seems to me that a request for a soulmate and/or blowjob would merit at least a little picture... ;o)

Blogger Lushy said...

Hmmm. I would totally respond to that. Of course, I placed the following ad: I am an open, funny, kind, attractive 31 year old who enjoys meeting new people. I like reading, spending time with friends making fun of people, communicating with my internet friends, watching football while screaming at the tv, laughing until my sides hurt and drinking excessively. I spend entirely too much time at a desk during the week so on any given evening or weekend you can find me sitting at a bar with my beer or at home masturbating. I also watch a fair amount of reality television. I love my cat and will spit on anyone who is mean to her. I don't really look forward to meeting you and deciding whether or not you are a freak, but I suppose it is a necessary step in this torture called dating.

I don't know why I didn't get many responses. Maybe the part about my cat scared men off.

I think you should place that ad, even if it is to generate dates that will be good blog fodder. You may even get a decent blowjob out of it.

Blogger Nick said...

You'll be alone forever. There's no such thing as love.

I chose to go the other way with my comment. I'm a subversive at heart.

Blogger Tumbleweed said...

I'm right here babe, why are you looking so hard. Although, I am not sure what a palsy twat is, but I do still have the taste of chrome in my mouth from the last guy I was with....months ago!

Blogger Tumbleweed said...

Yea, just read the palsy-twat definition, so I am hoping dumb blonde falls into your catagories.

Blogger Blonde said...

I am packing my shit and moving to Vegas today.

That was the funniest personal ad I ever read.

Blogger Princess LadyBug said...

Yeah, I didn't think Houston was better either.

I can't afford to move to Vegas so I guess I'm not the girl for you. :(

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