Friday, March 10, 2006
I'm so angry I can't think of a title for this post...
All I was trying to do was go to Von's and pick up some fucking groceries, but I have to be confronted by another douchebag. The Rockettes don't see as many douches in a decade as I see in a typical week here in the good ol' Vegas valley.

Anyway, I'm driving along with the flow of traffic, when this cuntface assram in a Lexus sportscar starts weaving in between cars going about ninety miles an hour in a forty-five zone; missing cars by the width of a pubic hair and basically ENDANGERING LIVES so he wouldn't be late for his date to eat sushi with some vapid cunt he met at the Las Vegas Athletic Club.

And why shouldn't he behave that way? Obviously, judging by the eighty-thousand dollar car he was driving, life has richly rewarded him for being a selfish, overly aggresive prick. Life just loves fucks like him. He'll never wreck that car, hell he'll never get a ticket, and I'm sure he has his pick of women who love the fact that he's "confident", which is a buzzword meaning "If the outside is sleak and shiny the inside can be filled with worms for all I care." And of course I know not all women are like that; just enough of them to keep guys like him happy every day of their empty lives.

And you know what, his life isn't really empty if he's too shallow to realize it. I struggle to get out of bed in the morning while he'll never have a MOMENT of self-doubt or unhappiness beyond his favorite watering hole running out of Michelob Ultra.

I realize this post wasn't funny, or even entertaining, but I promise to go back to the regularly scheduled dog and pony show as soon as possible, provided I don't choke to death on my own bile.


45 Comments:

Blogger Cincysundevil said...

I hope the guy gets caught a la Martha Stewart, ends up in prison for insider trading, and ends up getting ass raped for years ... only then will justice prevail

Blogger Nick said...

What if his wife had went into labor or something?

Blogger Cherry! said...

I actually think it's these kind of show ponies that are the most insecure of us all.

Blogger Chris said...

I love the comedy value of the term Lexus sportscar.

Brilliant.

Ah *wipes tear of mirth from eye*


(terrible fucking car snob)

Blogger tlsd said...

Todds... I love it when you say "fucking"...

"missing cars by the width of a pubic hair" made me spit coffee over my keyboard...

I had an old boss who used to drive like that he wrote his MG off 3 times... the bastard just kept getting a new one.

Blogger katarina said...

I know a doctor that drives a Hummer that way. I'm afraid to leave the office for fear he'll plow right over my car and crush my head.

Blogger Lush said...

I did the Vagina Monologues tonight and heard the word cunt quite a bit but the use 'vapid cunt' still takes the cake. Loving you sick right now Todd!

Blogger Egan said...

This post was funny Todd. Not sure I agree with your definition of confident though, but whatever. This guy does sound like a major prick. Trust me, this dude's time will come.

Blogger JJ said...

Maybe not funny but it was entertaining and enlightening for this one point:

He's not empty, he's shallow.

It takes far less to fill a shallow container. There's no getting around it. It's why we invented the concept of Hell so that we can believe he will be punished in another time/place/life.

Blogger Nick said...

What if his son had been in an accident at little league practice?

Blogger FRITZ said...

Todd: Thank you for nailing this shit on the head.

I have this conversation all the time with The Intended. I see these asswipes in their fucking luxury cars driving POORLY (I can't even say 'dangerously' because people who drive 'dangerously' are generally stuntpeople). Anyway, they're on their fucking cell phones and listening to their fucking overpriced stereos and playing PS2 for all I know while driving a tank of a fucking Escalade or zooming around in a Mercedes 500SL. The fuck! You know that if one of those bastards hit me, my chance of dying is like fucking twice as much as theirs. Asswipes.

What? Like somehow they were DESTINED to be more fucking important than me? I'd like to believe that fate has nothing to do with it, but the fact of the matter is I'm a decent ass woman with morals and shit, and these fuckheads are probably gonna live longer and die richer.

Fuck. I'm so pissed off I wanna join you in the pucking. That's it. Someone's gonna pay...the next fake blonde bitch I see out on the road, talking on their goddam camera phone while driving a Jag is getting the finger. And I'm gonna yell, too.
"THIS IS FOR TODD, BITCH!"

sorry for the long-ass rant.

Blogger miss kendra said...

i live in LA.

nothing you say surprises me.

I don't find L.A. that bad.

I bet this dude is trying to make up for herpes. I

Blogger Nick said...

What if his daughter was supposed to go out on a date with you?

Blogger AWE said...

I beeped the horn as I came by you.

Blogger Monalicious said...

Amen. This post made me think of someone that I briefly dated, till I realized the shallowness was really as far as it went. It was hard for me to date someone so like myself.

Blogger Übermilf said...

Something struck me as I was driving through one of Chicago's wealthiest suburbs, and Lexus SUV after Lexus SUV barrelled through stop signs (stop signs, like taxes, are for the LITTLE people).

We complain about these people, while poor people complain about swaggering gang bangers, but I think we're all talking about the same group of people: selfish, materialistic bastards who think rules shouldn't apply to them.

In fact, that's who runs our government right now.

Anyway, these types have existed forever, and the decent people have existed forever, and we decent folks had best get our heads out of our asses and protect ourselves because we're being overrun at all sides by them.

Blogger little ol' me? said...

I've found that the more "confident" (read self important) the more insecure.

Most girls will figure out that these guys have no soul and the image will start to fade.

When I say "most girls" I mean the ones with half a brain.

Cheer up!

Blogger Claudia said...

I want to take a dump on him.

(in a gross way, not a sexy way...perv)

Feel better. Your my boy, blue.

Blogger Slutbag said...

i hate people. good thing i work with them on a daily basis. it makes leaving work that much better.

Blogger Blonde said...

I see guys like this all of the time. I always assume that they work for that brand car dealership and the car is free OR that they lease it. Either way they want people to think they have money and most of the time they don't.

Either way, may his breath smell like crotch rot forever for ruining my precious Todd's day!

Blogger Budding Rose said...

People suck ass.

Blogger Übermilf said...

Hey, Todd -- guess what we're having for dinner?

Blogger Hey Jo said...

Sometimes when I get a$$holes like that I want to get in their way and make them hit me. Maybe that'll teach them...probably not but, hey, it makes me feel a bit better.

Blogger yournamehere said...

cincy,
nothing bad will ever happen to this guy. Ever.

nick,
the hospital was in the opposite direction.

cherry,
I used to pretend that was true, but I think they're too secure.

chris,
cars do absolutely nothing for me. Even if I was a billionaire, I'd have a nice, safe sedan and that would be it. I'd have several residences and travel a lot, but I don't get the fascination with cars.

tlsd,
your old boss should suck cock in hell. I'm glad he isn't your boss anymore.

kat,
well, if he crushes your head at least he can operate on you.

jude,
you did the Vagina Monologues? Put in a good word for me, will you?

egan,
I think you misunderstood me. That was the definition of confident for a woman who would be attracted to a guy like that.

jj,
I have to believe in hell for that fucker because his ilk NEVER suffers on earth.

nick,
once again, the hospital is the other direction and Little League hasn't started yet.

fritz,
I enjoyed your rant. I like you even though you have morals.

Blogger yournamehere said...

kendra,
I've only been to Los Angeles twice, and both times the traffic was so gridlocked nobody had a chance to drive poorly.

monkey mc,
my guess is Vegas is worse because we get the shitheads from all over the country to converge on us. I hope he has herpes on his soul.

nick,
since women are never sexually attracted to me, he'd want me to date his daughter.

awe,
yeah, the horn on your bicycle is really neato.

monalicious,
people who are too much alike just don't get along.

ubie,
once again your brilliance makes my left nipple semi-erect.

little ol' me,
I've tried to cheer up. It may be a lost cause.

claudia,
you know I think you're very attractive, but shit isn't sexy to me, no matter how cute the butt that it comes out of.

slutbag,
I read your blog and you seem like a good person, so of course you hate people.

blonde,
it could be. Thanks to renting a house and having roommates, I live in a richie neighborhood and am very poor, so he could be the same.

budding rose,
yes they do.

ubie,
I was depressed, so I ate there last night. Funny, sitting in a restaurant alone while ruining my diet did very little to help my depression.

It was delicious, though, and it beat being depressed and eating crap.

hey jo,
I always threaten to not brake for the next person who pulls out in front of me, but reflex kind of takes over at that point.

Blogger Nick said...

You take all the fun out of insulting you, by trumping my insults with your own. I do that too.

Blogger Hoochie said...

"since women are never sexually attracted to me..."

Honestly? I find that very hard to believe.

Blogger Todd said...

Most "confident" guys usually turn into mincing gaywads when someone actually calls them on their bravado bullshit. He was probably fleeing the scene. That stripper in the hot tub was starting to smell.

Blogger Princess LadyBug said...

He won't always be happy. One day when he gets older and slower that young chick he's with (because you know he'll keep trading up after his cunt reaches a certain age) she'll leave him for the tennis pro or something. When that happens he'll be that sad, pathetic old guy at the end of the bar with money that can't even buy a date without actually BUYING a date. :)

Blogger Egan said...

Cool Todd. I realized after rereading your post that I probably didn't misinterpet what you said. I wish I could say that will be the last time, but that's highly unlikely.

Hey, what are you doing the last weekend of June? I will likely be in town with some buddies. It would be nice to meet up. Take care and have a good weekend.

Blogger Nick said...

Egan and Todd sitting in a tree...

I'm such as ass.

Blogger Steph said...

See this is why i don't believe in Karma. It's a crap load of bullshit, fed to us to make us believe that twats who deserve a stilleto in the eye, will get it. But the fuckers never do.

Blogger yournamehere said...

nick,
it's why we're destined to own the blogging world.

hoochie,
oh, believe it. I wish it wasn't so.

todd,
I would have followed him but my car wouldn't have been able to keep up.

ladybug,
I'm already that sad, pathetic guy at the end of the bar, only I don't have any money.

egan,
I'll have to look at my busy social calendar, but I probably have nothing to do.

nick,
go have sexual relations with yourself.

steph,
those lies are necessary, though, so we don't go around killing motherfuckers.

Blogger Egan said...

I have some real big problems with contractions. I am sure you're a smart guy and figured it out. It would definitely be cool to meet.

Nick, ...aw, forget it. You're a funny guy.

Blogger Brookelina said...

This describes a typical drive home for me. I don't care how bad it is out there, nothing compares to the fuckwits driving the south Florida streets.

I say we kick some ass.

Blogger wmy said...

I agree with the first comment, ass raping is definately in order!!
You just know his making up for a small penis with his shiny car!! Sorry, I had to say it!! LOL

Blogger mindlessgirl said...

while reading your post and feeling your pain i was comforted in believing that no doubt this guy has been ass-raped and humiliated on a number of occassions during his frat days, hence his need to be a complete douche-bag in his later years...and yes, i too work with people and hate them incredibly...(disclaimer: ... of course, my comment is in no way intended to make light of ass-rape or any type of rape for that fact...so, haters, before you come after me get off your goddamn soap boxes ...)
...psst...i love the word cunt ...so perfect in the fact that a one syllable word can pack so much meaning and feeling into it and using vapid as your adjective of choice just adds so much more to its poetic beauty...will try to work "vapid cunt" into as many conversations, today, as possible...

Blogger Jess Riley said...

This WAS an entertaining post. You managed to capture my exact feelings of late, only the target of my "affections" was a client.

The world is full of asses like that guy...which is why people like us who really do have souls have to stick together.

Blogger Ruben said...

It's moments like those that just make you wish that you had a large handgun in your car.

Blogger yournamehere said...

egan,
you don't have to be nice to Nick; the Special Olympics are over.

brooke,
Vegas is the new South Florida. Rich assholes from across the country are moving here, and none of them can drive.

wmy,
oh my god, you're back. But what if his penis is huge? What then?

mindlessgirl,
hey, you're not mindless...you're not mindless at all. Phoney. No, I'm glad you like the word cunt.

jess,
thanks for the recent comments. Your blog is great, and congrats on the book being published.

ruben,
no, I'm glad I don't, or I'd be on Death Row now.

Blogger Nick said...

Oh snap!

Blogger yournamehere said...

I didn't mean it, Nick.

Damn, I'm too nice.

Blogger Tel said...

You know he's driving that car and driving that fast because he has a little penis. It's all part of the Little Man Syndrome.

Blogger Me said...

Guess what's funny?

AIDS doesn't care if he has a Lexus.

:)

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