Monday, March 13, 2006
I gave a dime to the gods of bad music, and I got a Nickelback
For every genuine genre of music, there's a group of photogenic assrots there to exploit the public's lack of good taste. Meet Nickelback, maybe the worst popular band around since Creed broke up. The lead singer has a voice that suggests he sucked the cock of Satan and was rewarded with a throat full of pumice-jizz.

Yes, I said worst popular band. There may be a band of limbless hare-lips practicing in a garage somewhere, trying to play instruments with their stumps, who are worse than Nickelback, but you aren't going to see them on M-TV2.

I never even tried to become a rock star because, let's face it, Todd is not a rock and roll name. No one has ever said, "Dude, that guy Todd rocked the house." The lead singer for Nickelback, pictured here failing to look complex, is named Chad. My aunt's girdle is more rock and roll than the name "Chad".

Have you ever heard their hit song "Photograph"? Unless you live in a cave or Reno* or something, you've heard it a million times. I appreciate the song because I always wondered how Bruce Springsteen would sound if he was profoundly retarded. Now I know, thanks to Nickelback. Seriously, Ubie, I nominate the song for Bad Music Thursdays. Find the lyrics and be prepared to die a little inside.

Sure, in a few years Nickelback will be opening for Hootie and the Blowfish at a shitty casino soemewhere, but for now they're reaping the rewards of the shitty tastes of "music" fans everywhere. Thanks, CD-buying public, for making it impossible for me to turn on the radio or enter a retail store without hearing this shit. Fuck you. Oh, and they're Canadian, so I'm blaming Claudia for their popularity.
*Just kidding. Reno is a fantastic town, a thriving metropolis that is kind of like New York City with mountain views, or Chicago with a cleaner lake. Truly one of the finest cities in the history of western civilization.


39 Comments:

Blogger Ian McGibboney said...

First! And well said. I do like their name, though.

Blogger Knitty Kitty said...

GAH nickleback and celine dion are two things canada will have to answer for on the day of reckoning.

and I have no distain for you todd, only real stain.

Blogger sugafree9 said...

Thanks for the disclaimer on the Reno comment. However it did sound a slight bit mocking in tone... Reno is WAY nicer than Chicago or New York.

As far as Nickelback goes. They suck. Like cheap Canadian tippers, they left a dollar tip and asked for a nickel back.

Blogger Ilovebawlz said...

seriously, everytime I hear one of their songs, I get a bit nauseous.

Blogger Cherry! said...

I wish I could say they don't play that crap here, but it seems there is no escaping....

Blogger Nick said...

I'll say this, they're better than that shitty "Led Zeppelin" band. What a bunch of queers those guys were, huh?

Blogger tlsd said...

oh Todds... how I love your rants... You speak so succinctly and on behalf of so many... such words of wisdom... *sigh*... I almost died laughing...

I have to disagree with one thing though I think Todd rocks...

;0*

Blogger katarina said...

**Don't throw tomatoes, please.**
I used to like that song before they played the shit out of it.

Blogger Secret said...

Limbless hare-lips! Pee'in!

Blogger Kris said...

Can't stand them.

And Reno is so not a great town. Unless you count the Nugget.

Blogger AMS said...

Im sorry but i hate that song too - somehow its on my ipod and keeps coming up in shuffle - its god's way of letting me know he hates me

Funny you should mention them. We poke fun of the university newspaper all the time (how they find all the fuckers on campus that failed english 101 and make them write for the wider public), and we've put up a board of "Nameless Newspaper's Greatest Hits" at work for everyone to see. End of last semester their "music reviewer" (a Norman in Abercrombie) did a review of that album Photograph is on (not gonna bother to look). When we, my smartass friends and I, got to one section in which this uber-cool reviewer wrote, "And what exactly is on Joey's head?" I did die a little inside. My left ovary will never be fruitful again.

Blogger Cincysundevil said...

Absolutely outstanding post! I blogged about these guys in a post aptly titled Things That Annoy Me. They were number 1.

I don't understand their popularity. I think they're popular with the crowd that has an airbrushed license plate on the front of their car. I think they'll be opening up for Loverboy on their national County Fair tour!

Blogger Übermilf said...

Message received.

Also, I wrote something for you on my blog.

Blogger The real me said...

I bet they get into a lot of women's private parts though!

And honestly, the radio-friendly crap songs are the worst ones on their albums. Some of the songs actually rock.

Blogger Nick said...

Pink Floyd too, those guys suck.

Blogger afromabq said...

love your title post...good! nickelback....bad! i thought i was just too old and didn't get their fame....

Blogger miss kendra said...

nickelback is my father.

Blogger Ian McGibboney said...

Andi, you have to tell me what newspaper you're talking about! I collect bad college-newspaper prose and parody. You can e-mail me if you want (see my profile).

Blogger Kris said...

Off topic, but I have some friends going to Vegas for the weekend - I want to make them a Vegas survival kit. What might one need to survive there for three days? (Other than your phone number . . . )

Blogger 3.14 said...

i know!!!
i think you should add default and a few others that sound all the same. TERRIBLE!

Blogger FRITZ said...

I ABSOLUTELY concur with this denouncement.

Nicklesuck can probably ONLY be countered with one other sucky, troglodytic band...

Puddle of Shit
(Puddle of Mudd).

Fuck this. Now, I'm going to listen to some Jesus and Mary Chain.

Blogger Übermilf said...

I need a nap.

Blogger Hulkster said...

Dude, Todd is totally a rocknroll name. What about Todd Rundgren? He don't want to work, he just want to bang on the drum all day! Some of the kickassest rock stars ever have pretty fruity names...Elvis, Freddy, Roger, Jimi, Geddy...what the hell kind of name is Geddy?

I mean, c'mon...we can't all be named Bono or The Edge, right?

Blogger Todd said...

They suck and sound like a Def Leppard cover band, and the lead singer's perm is offensive as his lame asss lyrics. No, I don't know what the hell is on Joey's head, and quite frankly, I find it bit sarcastic that you would ask me when you know good and well how that cum got there.

Blogger yournamehere said...

ian,
they spent all their creative energy on the name.

knitty,
as long as your hatred of me keeps you young, I'm okay with it.

sugafree,
are you in any way connected to "housekeeper"? Are you married to her? She's my usual Reno watchdog.

bawlz,
we can't have that, can we?

cherry,
crap is universal.

nick,
you will now be forced to spend your afterlife listening to Kenny G. I hope your little joke was worth it.

tlsd,
your flattery is much appreciated.

kat,
I'm mailing the tomatoes to you, and they are rotten. I still love you, though.

teri,
I hope you weren't wearing nice panties.

Blogger mindlessgirl said...

hey,what about big head TODD and the monsters...???...oh wait, you're right...yeah, todd + rock=suck, sorry...

Blogger yournamehere said...

Kris,
you are going to have to answer to my Reno people.

ams,
how did it get on your ipod? Have you no control?

andi,
the stupidity of supposedly educated people always amazes me.

cincy,
I think couples who have each other's names airbrushed on t-shirts pick Photograph as "their song".

ubie,
you are the best. Thanks.

real,
I can't imagine them being anything but sucky.

nick,
I'm really not much of a Floyd fan.

afrom,
not too old, too smart.

Blogger yournamehere said...

kendra,
then send me some money. It's the least you can do for having such a rich, sucky dad.

ian,
bad college newspaper writing is very funny.

kris,
they'll need money, a jacket, condoms, back-up liver, and no sense of shame.

3.14,
amen.

fritz,
I don't have as many unwanted "encounters" with Puddle of Mudd songs.

ubie,
sweet dreams.

hulkster,
Todd Rundgren? Nope.

todd,
that perm makes me angry.

mindlessgirl,
aren't they dirty smelly hippies?

Blogger Housekeeper said...

Todd-

You've made me so happy. Ignore Sugafree9, that's not you to mock or be sarcastic. How about I name my first born after you? Shit, had him three years ago and didn't name him Todd. How about I tatoo your name on my ass, oh wait already have a "I love Reno" tatoo there. I guess you will have to be satisfied with the smile that you put on my face.

Blogger Jess Riley said...

I was seriously FRIGHTENED when I saw how well their last CD was selling. Clearly, thousands of people enjoy this tripe.

Then again, this nation made Barry Manilow hit #1 on the charts recently, too.

Blogger Kath said...

While 'Photograph' isn't my favorite song, I really like them. Just my 2 cents, of course.

And no, I don't have an airbrushed front license plate.

Blogger Nick said...

Kenny G. is the bomb.

Blogger The Muse said...

Not sure how I showed up here, but I thought I'd say hello. You're personal ad from the previous post is entertaining. And Nickleback? They can kiss my ass.
From a Vegas native transplanted to Atlanta (who spent the better part of the last month trying to remember how to get from one end of the city in under 30 minutes to the other in rush-hour traffic), just wanted to say hello. :)

Blogger Phain said...

What?!? No more airbrushed shirts?!? Damn

(((strikes a match and burns "Todd & Kitty 4-Ever" shirts)))

Blogger sugafree9 said...

You are correct.

I don't get around the internet much you see...

Blogger Nick said...

I like how that new person showed up and had to stare at my "Kenny G. id the bomb comment" That makes my day.

Blogger your anti-hero said...

Besides the, 'What the hell is on Joey's head?' lyric...I hate the fact that every dive bar I go to has the one song about ripping off a girl's pants and some idiot trying to karoake to it. Fuck.

Blogger Claudia said...

ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH! Im so pissed I missed this post@!!!!!!!@#$@$#@$

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