Friday, March 24, 2006
My "To Do" List
I'm a slacker, I suppose, if I may conjure up a word from the early nineties; but I'm not completely without ambition. There are a few things I'd like to get done.

-Go back on my diet. I've been pretty much eating whatever I want lately and that has to stop. I was just starting to look less Jabba-the-Huttish when depression and I played the roles of Ike and Tina Turner. I was Tina, I missed my cue, and Ike slapped the shit out of me. I quickly turned to my old friend, food. He never lets me down, other than ruining my life by making me a fat tub of goo.

-Cheer up. Jesus, did you read that last fucking sentence? What a load of morose crap. I'm like a meat-eating, heterosexual Morrissey.

-Get the word "cunt" put on currency. I've been lobbying congress to have "cunt" put on our money. How about In Cunt We Trust or E Pluburis Cunt'em?

-Beat up a mime. Will he cry out for help if I punch him repeatedly in his spleen? I have to know.

-Spend an entire day talking in my outrageously bogus British accent. "I shan't finish the kippers. Pip pip and all that."

-Rip off a tourist. C'mon, everyone else in town does it. "Yes, this is the way to the airport. You have to go through Utah to get there."

-Teach a stripper about irony. I just think naked women are a little sexier if they know about irony, that's all.

-Finish my novel. Okay, start my novel. All right, learn how to read and write. Yeah, I'm illiterate. I dictate this blog to my houseboy, Rahjmed.

-Fart in public more often. I have something to share, people. It's selfish of me to keep it to myself.

Damn, I'm exhausted just writing this. I'd better get started.


27 Comments:

You said pip. I find that so attractive...moreso than a stripper who knows about irony.

And I'm off the diet wagon. I had cheesecake tonight. Must stop. *flogs self*

Blogger Nick said...

At work tonight, this girl was flirting with me but I think I scared her off when I just stood there silent, jaw agape, for five minutes after I realized it.

Blogger Karen said...

E Pluribus Cuntum.......LOVE that!

Blogger tlsd said...

"Pip Pip"??!!!!
WTF

Have you ever actually heard anyone say PIP PIP?... hmmmm

Millions & squillions of hugs and kisses(on your soft bits)...

Blogger Cherry! said...

I think the english accent and cunt money should be the priority. Put them at the top of the list.

Blogger AWE said...

You will never get to the Mime if he puts that invisible shield up.

If we end up having cunt money maybe we could have pubic change for the drink machines.

Blogger Udi said...

in cunt we trust. now thats hilarious

Blogger Übermilf said...

Todd, I fucking hate that fucking cunt, depression.

It ruins EVERYTHING. And people think you can control it, that it's somehow your decision to be depressed.

Luckily for us, anger is also part of depression, and we can hit those people in the face with a shovel.

Blogger miss kendra said...

i hate that cunt too, ubie.

and nick is adorable. i want to hug him.

i also think strippers should know about irony. also if the mime cries out, you should get him disbarred. mimes have a bar right?

Blogger your anti-hero said...

What? You fell off the wagon? Buck up old chap. (My contribution to your Brit-ness). So what gives?

Blogger JJ said...

I will hold that mime for you.

Blogger Ian McGibboney said...

"I'm like a meat-eating, heterosexual Morrissey."

Well, he IS famous, you know. And you're very funny.

Blogger little ol' me? said...

Cunty depression and I have been aquainted before. I hate it and it's never easy to get out.

The only "pip pip" that I've heard was on Southpark.....a very British show, I know.

Cheerio!

Blogger Claudia said...

Pip pip, snap to it...also learning to read and write isn't al it's cracked up to be. Look at me. I have no job and eat food and drink beer all day... wait a minute...

Blogger Brookelina said...

I think farting more should be a priority.

Blogger Nick said...

You don't want to hug me, my lack of self-worth is contagious.

Blogger Übermilf said...

I wish I could just disappear... just start walking and never stop until I just drop dead somewhere.

Blogger FRITZ said...

Diet crap=death. That's what I'm FUCKING FINDING OUT. Jesus. I've lost 16 pounds (roughly the size of my overweight cat that died two years ago) and it's taken me fucking THREE MONTHS. Ridiculous.

You know, I'm so at the point of saying screw it and turning to meth. No, really. Well, maybe not.

Anyway, this is YOUR awesome blog, so I'll shut up about me, but mostly I know this: You put your damn blog into a word document and send it to someone in New Yuck. You'll get published. What novel? Your life's read is incredibly funny and incredibly touching.

I farted in the locker room today. Talk about slack jawed! I figured these ugly women keep stripping in front of me, what's a little gas?

I don't make many friends.

Blogger yournamehere said...

andi,
I'll say "pip" to you anytime you want.

nick,
quit stealing my moves!

vixen,
"A cunt a day keeps the doctor away."

tlsd,
I've heard plenty of people say "pip pip"; they've all been on cartoons, but still...

cherry,
I'm with you on this one.

awe,
a big "no" on the pubic change.

udi,
thanks.

ubie,
cheer up. Just kidding. I used to be worse, as in I never wanted to leave the house.

kendra,
mimes work independently of any and all organizations.

Blogger yournamehere said...

anti,
it was either eat or stick my head in the oven, and I chose to eat.

jj,
I'll let you get a few shots in, man.

ian,
Morrissey has a better agent.

little,
yeah, South Park. Pip said "pip pip."

claudia,
you don't have a job? Oh, that's right, you're Canadian.

brooke,
I wanted to put you on my "to do" list.

nick,
that's not true, you worthless liar.

ubie,
don't drop dead in Las Vegas, because I'd be there to resesitate you.

fritz,
do what with my blog? This blog seems to be running in place, not going anywhere.

Blogger Nick said...

fair play. I left a comment about skinning you alive and making a jogging suit out of your flesh on the previous post.

Blogger yournamehere said...

nick,
I just saw that comment. How timely. You know, I have several posts from last April and May that don't have a lot of comments if you'd like to add your two cents.

Blogger Blonde said...

E Pluribis Cunt'Em has my vote. In Cunt We Trust? Hmmmmm....you know you can't trust a cunt.

I wish you weren't so sad, or a straight man's Morrissey, becuase you are so fabulous. I adore you. You are a rock star.

BTW, I ate brownies for breakfast this morning. Im all set on getting back into watching what I eat too. Don't sweat it.

Blogger n.v. said...

Morrisey is gay??

Blogger n.v. said...

Todderick, I askidentally tore a loud fart at my cubicle yesterday. Everyone in my area was absent, so I thought oh I'll just let the stinker go 'cause my stomach was killing me. Well, it didn't just poosh out. It squinked and bounced and burpled like a runaway Indian rubber ball. Smelled good though. Don't tell anyone, okay?

Blogger mindlessgirl said...

i like a man with goals...

Blogger Rrramone said...

Seriously, thanks for teaching strippers about irony. :-)

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