Saturday, April 01, 2006
A culture of artifice
Yesterday afternoon I was so anxious to escape from work that I took a little break and wandered around Wal-Mart for a few minutes, taking in the sights and sounds; visible and audible evidence of the decline of any sort of society a person with even a cunt-hair's worth of imagination can bear. I usually try to avoid the whole Wal-Mart metaphor thing, but when it beats you about the head until you lose consciousness, takes a picture of itself teabagging you, and posts it on the internet...that's hard to ignore.

I was rummaging through a bin of discount DVDs when I heard something coming from the television monitor hanging from the ceiling a few feet away from me. A man, in a Southern-enough-to-sound-folksy-but-no-so-Southern-as-to-seem-inbred voice, was reading a list of Wal-Mart employees across the country who've "moved on"; and gee, the company sure is going to miss them and wishes them all the best.

Okay, what difference does it make in the life of Nurleen Toadstool of Cockfight, Alabama that I, a disinterested party in Las Vegas, know that she finally got tired of being scheduled thirty-one hours a week so Wal-Mart didn't have to offer health insurance so she went out and found a job at the rendering plant just outside the county line? If I may answer my own rhetorical question, it does not a fucking thing for Nurleen's life. It's all about how Wal-Mart wants to be perceived.

Wal-Mart spent time, effort and money producing this video (the down-home, neighborly Ned Flanders narrorator didn't come cheap, I'll bet) so the public would think it cares about its employees.

Oh, the guy kept going on. He announced promotions, birthdays, anniversaries, births, employee picnics and award ceremonies; all so Cletus the Slack-jawed Shopper will hear it and think, if only on a subconscious level, "Wal-Mart is a great place to work."

Obviously, if Wal-Mart really cared about its workers they'd be paid better and offered insurance, but why tell you something you already know? Instead, I offer the Wal-Mart message I'd like to hear:

"Well, the following associates across this great land of ours finally succumbed to the bitter mix of desperation and humiliation only experienced by working retail and took their own lives:
Danny Wilson of Ratturd, Texas, was found hanged to death in the family barn. Best of wishes to Danny's family. Hang in there, folks.

"Paula Moss of Pfffffft, Kentucky, blew her brains out in front of her five children and common-law husband. Looks like the oldest daughter is going to have to drop out of school and take her mom's job at Wal-Mart. Oh, the circle of life..."

Have a great weekend, blog readers. I care about the quality of your free time. No, I really do.


Blogger Übermilf said...

May I please be permitted to fondly your buttocks, sir?

I'm ever so gentle. I'll warm my hands first, too.

Cootchie, Cootchie, Coo.

Blogger Hulkster said...

I've been to Cockfight, Alabama. Nice town.

Blogger Secret said...

Todd, Todd....Sometimes you worry me! You make me laugh like crazy, but you worry me too! *smile*

Blogger Princess LadyBug said...

Dude! WalMart = Evil. 'nuff said.

Blogger Brookelina said...

This is what you get for taking your break in Wal-Mart.

Blogger Steph said...

We have Walmarts cheaper cousin in Oz. It's called Big W. Yes the W stands for wankers.

Blogger Dale said...

My favourite thing that's happened while in a Wal*Mart is to hear a Stepford announcement over the P.A. that they use - Attention Associates -- please return to your stations and straighten up your aisles.

The ensuing March of the Blue Smocks is a sight to behold. Dozens of these poor folk banging into things and walking into their shelves repeatedly to straighten product is only missing Morgan EveryNarrator Freeman as the announcer.

Great posts.

Blogger Kris said...

If anything from Lion King was playing in the background I probably would have headed to the gun section.

Hillarious Todd! Every time I go into a Wal Mart, all the employees and even the shoppers give me a look with their eyes thay seems to say "Will you please brain me with a crow bar?" It really freaked me out, so I haven't been back in over 4 years. F Wal Mart.

Blogger Knitty Kitty said...

if ubie gets to fondle, I want to spank.

They call wal-mart "Big W" here, but its exactly the same. You can't find prices on anything and it smells like beaten children and broken dreams.

Blogger yournamehere said...

I'm blushing. Really.

the blizzards at the Dairy Queen there are extra-thick.

I worry myself.

but the prices are so low.

the Target is too far down the road.

"wankers". Ha.

they better drink the kool-aid or they'll lose their jobs.

actually, Lion King on Ice was playing on the monitor next to the folksy announcer guy.

you should go to Wal-Mart. Do it.

I want to fondle AND spank you, my fine Canadian-turned-Californian-turned-Australian friend.

Blogger katarina said...

I just came from WalMart. I hated every minute of it. Except when I bought the PMS ice cream.

If Ubie gets to fondle you and Kittie gets to spank you, than I want to lick you.

Blogger Knitty Kitty said...

It's funny how fondling and spanking go hand in hand..
One without the other just seems unnatural.

Blogger FRITZ said...

Firstly, this is a very important post.

I had read somewhere about Wal-Mart's policy on unionizing. While it is completely legal (and, daresay, CUNT-FUCKING important) to organize unions at work, Wal-Mart has a freakin' S.W.A.T. team that shuts down any rumors of unionizing.

I once asked a Wal-Mart employee about this.
"You don't get paid very well, do you?"
She looked around furtively.
"no" she whispered.
"Do you ever think about how a union might help?"

She literally RAN away from me.

Those fucking corporate ASSHOLES.

Blogger Blonde said...

I can't believe that you went to WalMart on your work break to clear your head. Your job must really suck donkeys balls.

I refuse to step foot in WalMart. I drive an extra five miles just to go to Target.

WalMart is a cult.

Blogger AMS said...

Hmmm how funny would it be to hijack the editing studio that puts that video together and release todd's version into the wal martsphere?!

Blogger Princess Steph said...

I know for sure that there is no WalMart in Ratturd Texas, only that one porn store...... now I have said too much.


Man there is a lot of fondling, spanking and licking going on here today. I approve heartily.

Blogger AWE said...

I was just wondering if there was really someone in the store working. Most of the time when I go to a a Wal-Mart there is noone to be found except the two guys running around in flannel wife-beaters looking for chainsaw accessories.

Blogger Claudia said...

Walmart blows. I used to work at Walmart and would avoid customers like the plague. Especially customers with no intention to buy anything and simply "on break" from work. Thanks for that.

Blogger megan said...

i fucking hate wal mart.

that is all.

Blogger tlsd said...

Todds... did you get stuck in Walmart? I hope the lack of Todd-blog doesn't mean you got linched by slack-jawed shoppers hunting for bargins...

Blogger Übermilf said...

We could all fondle, spank and lick Todd simultaneously.

Blogger Übermilf said...

Wait, was that dirty?

Blogger yournamehere said...

I get last lick, baby.

I don't know. I usually don't spank breasts after I fondle them.

it may be an important post, but if I want a lot of comments I have to talk about strippers.

people would suck donkey balls to get the taste of what my job sucks out of their mouth.

I heard an audiotape of a guy quitting Home Depot over the intercom. He named his managers by name and talked about how the place sucked. It was great.

the guy lived in Ratturd. He worked at a Wal-Mart in neigboring Crapville.
I'm glad you approve of everything, especially the licking.

there are never enough cashiers, that's for sure.

ha! I like to ask the employees stupid questions and berate them when they don't know the answer. For hot girl employees like you I simply repeatedly ask for your phone number in an outrageously fake foreign accent.

thanks for making that perfectly clear.

no, I had nothing to blog about, really. But has that ever stopped me before?

I'm no picnic to look at, you know.

Blogger Cold Hands said...

dirty is good, no?

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