THE WAY IT SHOULD BE

This is the way it should be, and if I was in charge, the way it would be.

-Handicap parking passes to handicapped people only
Only people who can't walk should be allowed to park in handicapped parking spaces. If you have sore feet, or you're too fat to walk, park and walk like the rest of us. If you're old, you don't get a pass, okay? You were lucky enough to not have died young; what else do you want from fate, you fucking leech? Park and walk like the rest of us, old timer. If someone at the DMV gave you a handicap pass, shame on you for having your daughter blow a local government worker for special treatment. Get the slut tested for throat clap, then park and walk like the rest of us. Anyone who isn't crippled who uses a handicapped parking pass should be immediately made a cripple by means of gruesome bodily harm.

-Take the grape popsicles out of the variety pack
When I was a kid there would be five boxes of popsicle variety packs in the freezer, all of them chock full of grape popsicles. No one likes the grape. Why is it in the variety pack? I think the grape people have a deal with the popsicle people.

-If you robbed your company's retirement fund, the government gets everything you own
Ex-Enron CEO Kenneth Lay should not have one single solitary material possession. His houses, his cars, the clothes off his wife's back, the food his children are about to eat - everything - should be confiscated and either sold, given to charity, or burned in a public square. He and his family should have to live on the streets naked, exposed to the elements and begging for spare change. The only job he should be allowed to have is at the receiving end of a dollar-a-shot glory hole in the men's room of a transient hotel in the Bronx. Fuck Ken Lay. He should die and feltch Hitler for all eternity.

-Against abortion? Have I got a surprise for you
Next year, every tax form should contain this question, which has to be answered in order for your taxes to be considered filed: Do you think abortion should be illegal? Whoever answers "Yes" is given a crack baby. And, for good measure, a wedgie.

-Light Beer is named appropriately
When I seize power, any watered down domestic reduced calorie swill will lose the moniker "beer" in favor of the more appropriate "bitch-ass pansy little baby girl cuntwater".
This will lead to the following sentence being uttered at bars across America: "I'll have a Bud bitch-ass pansy little baby girl cuntwater and a Coors bitch-ass pansy little baby girl cuntwater."

That's all. Hey, I never said I wanted to be GOD.