Monday, March 27, 2006
THE WAY IT SHOULD BE
This is the way it should be, and if I was in charge, the way it would be.

-Handicap parking passes to handicapped people only
Only people who can't walk should be allowed to park in handicapped parking spaces. If you have sore feet, or you're too fat to walk, park and walk like the rest of us. If you're old, you don't get a pass, okay? You were lucky enough to not have died young; what else do you want from fate, you fucking leech? Park and walk like the rest of us, old timer. If someone at the DMV gave you a handicap pass, shame on you for having your daughter blow a local government worker for special treatment. Get the slut tested for throat clap, then park and walk like the rest of us. Anyone who isn't crippled who uses a handicapped parking pass should be immediately made a cripple by means of gruesome bodily harm.

-Take the grape popsicles out of the variety pack
When I was a kid there would be five boxes of popsicle variety packs in the freezer, all of them chock full of grape popsicles. No one likes the grape. Why is it in the variety pack? I think the grape people have a deal with the popsicle people.

-If you robbed your company's retirement fund, the government gets everything you own
Ex-Enron CEO Kenneth Lay should not have one single solitary material possession. His houses, his cars, the clothes off his wife's back, the food his children are about to eat - everything - should be confiscated and either sold, given to charity, or burned in a public square. He and his family should have to live on the streets naked, exposed to the elements and begging for spare change. The only job he should be allowed to have is at the receiving end of a dollar-a-shot glory hole in the men's room of a transient hotel in the Bronx. Fuck Ken Lay. He should die and feltch Hitler for all eternity.

-Against abortion? Have I got a surprise for you
Next year, every tax form should contain this question, which has to be answered in order for your taxes to be considered filed: Do you think abortion should be illegal? Whoever answers "Yes" is given a crack baby. And, for good measure, a wedgie.

-Light Beer is named appropriately
When I seize power, any watered down domestic reduced calorie swill will lose the moniker "beer" in favor of the more appropriate "bitch-ass pansy little baby girl cuntwater".
This will lead to the following sentence being uttered at bars across America: "I'll have a Bud bitch-ass pansy little baby girl cuntwater and a Coors bitch-ass pansy little baby girl cuntwater."

That's all. Hey, I never said I wanted to be GOD.






40 Comments:

Blogger katarina said...

I'm a HUGE fan of the grape popsicle. We'd make a good pair. I'd eat the grape and you could have the rest.

I'm also a big Miller bitch-ass pansy little baby girl cuntwater fan.

Blogger katarina said...

But not at the same time.

Blogger Knitty Kitty said...

Oh Todd,
You make me laugh.
Loudly.
Thats why I love you.

Blogger Shannon said...

I love Grape popsicles. They're my second favorite after "Red."

You, sir, are wrong.

Blogger AWE said...

Throat clap has to go on your best of CD.

I also like the people that park on the zebra next to the handicapped parking.

Blogger Ćœbermilf said...

Maybe there should be degrees of handicapped parking. Like, guy in a wheelchair? Closest to the door. Wobbly people or people who's heart will give out if they walk too far? Next closest. Able-bodied people between 16 and 25? Farthest out.

All the rest of what you said is correct. I'd also like to add that I don't like strawberry skittles. Or black OR white jelly beans. I don't like grape jelly beans, either.

Wait. What were we talking about?

Blogger AMS said...

Coors bitch-ass pansy little baby girl cuntwater....yeah catchy!

it does have that je-ne-c'est-quoi ring to it!

Blogger Princess Steph said...

I'd like my crack baby now please.

It's going to be oh so tasty with grape jelly on the side.

Blogger tlsd said...

Your soft side's showing through Todds...

... next time an ungrateful-undead knocks me out of the way and then glares at me as if it was my fault, I'll scream: "You were lucky enough to not have died young; what else do you want from fate, you fucking leech?"... cuntards.

"bitch-ass pansy little baby girl cuntwater", hahahhahahahahahah love it!
So what would you call non-alcoholic beers/wines then, well, apart from fucking pointless?

Blogger ginonymous said...

you're a true vulgarian sir, a seditious one at that, and this is why i love you.

i don't come here often enough.

the crack baby idea is genius.

Blogger The DogGrrrrl said...

Crack Baby Popsicles will solve a few problems here.

It's awful that people park on zoo animals where ever Awe lives. Cats, sure (and encouraged). Here, bad zebras are fed to the homeless.

Blogger The DogGrrrrl said...

Oh, and give me a Heinekin/Lager/New Castle/un-pansy pussy water beer any day.

Blogger Claudia said...

Get rid of those orange popsicles. Those things always ended up thrown at my neighbour's window or smashed against the walls of his house when I was a kid. LOL...good times.

Blogger miss kendra said...

i know a few people who deserve a box of grape popsicles and a box of crack babies.

they come in boxes, right?

Blogger solethoughts said...

A crack baby and a wedgie??? Wow.

Blogger Egan said...

Surliness is such a sexy part of who you are Todd. Don't ever go a changin'.

Blogger JJ said...

I've said it before and now I say it again: Your word should be law.

Blogger Nick said...

Dude! Free Crack Babies?! I could double my tax return by selling it!

Blogger little ol' me? said...

It's as if you went into my mind and wrote down what I was thinking! How did you do that?

Blogger Van said...

whaaaaat? grape is the best! And great idea re: the crack babies.

Blogger yournamehere said...

Kat,
could I rub grape popsicles all over your body?

knitty,
I always thought you begrudgingly tolerated me. Love is better.

shannon,
yeah, I'm wrong; me and everyone on earth but you and Kat.

awe,
Throat clap actually exists; it's just called something less funny.

ubie,
no degrees. All or nothing.

ams,
as someone from Ireland, does Budweiser offend you?

steph,
I also hate grape jelly.

tlsd,
non-alcoholic beers are for recovering alcoholics who haven't fully recovered yet.

ginon,
you should come here more. There's punch and pie.

Blogger yournamehere said...

doggrrrrl,
yeah, you're a real drinker, which may be why I'm so drawn to you.

claudia,
your neighbor was one long suffering bastard, huh? I'll bet he peaked through your bedroom window when you were a teenager.

kendra,
yes, grape popsicles come in boxes.

solethoughts,
yes, and if they're female, the dreaded femme-wedgie, or grundy.

egan,
I don't consider myself surly, really.

Blogger yournamehere said...

jj,
my word should be the law of god.

nick,
crack babies make excellent gifts.

little,

the next time I'm in your mind I'm going to collect your dirty thoughts.

van,
they should make grape a separtate package for you fanatics.

Blogger yournamehere said...

jj,
my word should be the law of god.

nick,
crack babies make excellent gifts.

little,

the next time I'm in your mind I'm going to collect your dirty thoughts.

van,
they should make grape a separtate package for you fanatics.

Blogger Brookelina said...

Ok, so you don't like grape popsicles but you do like the Dallas Cowboys.

I need a moment alone please.

Blogger Egan said...

Okay Todd. I won't even type that word again on this blog. Can I call you tall?

Blogger Bama Girl said...

Is cuntwater like bong water but saltier?

Blogger Phain said...

todd...you are my hero...

Blogger MoDigli said...

Grape pops are GOOD! It's the green ones that always got left over when I was a kid. Really, who wants green (whatever the hell flavor that is) popsicles?

I'm all for the abortion/tax return thingie. You always hear how abortion is so wrong - but I never see those folks becoming foster or adoptive parents. Assholes.

Toddles, you're entirely wrong. The popsicle box is crammed full of orange, not grape, and it is orange that must die. More red flavours! *smooches* Reading your blog always cheers me up.

Todd,

As you know, I'm as big a capitalist pig as there is, but I have to say you're right on about Ken Lay. I hate that piece of human trash almost as much as I hate the IRS. He should die and be forced to give daily blumpkins to John Wayne Gasey. (In addition to the regular Hitler felchings)

Blogger katarina said...

That's hot. But you don't like the grape, so you wouldn't lick it off and I'd get all sticky and have to take a good shower before...

The comments on this post are funny as hell. Some very clever people come here.
Clever and insane.

Whoa, cunt and glory hole all in one post. I bow down before you oh wonderful Toddsky.

And the grape popsicle is the bane of my existence. Give me blue raspberry, give me cherry, even give me orange, but NO GRAPE.

Blogger MsHellion said...

Do you think they have a parking problem at the special olympics?

Blogger Princess Steph said...

I very disappointed that my comment only garnered "I also hate grape jelly."

I joked about eating crack babies for Christ's sake, this is ME were talking about, I don't joke about eating crack babies.

*sigh*

You are lucky I have such a big crush on you.

And let's hear it for generalizations, people that are anti abortion NEVER adopt/foster children? O. My. Gawd.

Blogger Udi said...

lol. death to light beer

Blogger yournamehere said...

brooke,
will you think about me while you're all alone?

egan,
yes.

bama,
no, cuntwater is light beer.

le chat,
really? Wow, thanks.

mo,
I'm talking about the three variety pack, with grape, cherry, and orange.

monkey mc,
I'm happy to cheer you up.

vast,
Kenneth Lay sucks.

kat,
uh, I would gladly eat the grape if it was all over you.

andi,
I knew there was a reason I loved you.

ms hellion,
The parking lot is full of short buses.

steph,
You have a crush on me? I'm floating on air right now, I'm so happy.
My comment was comedic understatement. C'mon.

udi,
a slow painful death.

Blogger da buttah said...

i think those people who are fighting abortion laws should pay an extra 35% tax to take care of the statistically proven criminals that will be born as a result of abortions being banned.

remember in the 90's, when everyone thought crime was going to rise into the 40 and 50th percentile? know why it didn't?

Roe v. Wade.

nuff said.

Blogger Ilovebawlz said...

I love grape popsicles!

Blogger Dale said...

Will there be any crippled crack babies? Maybe I could at least get a scooter and take a load off.

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