Tuesday, March 28, 2006
Las Vegas Pro and Con
I'm of two minds regarding Las Vegas. I kind of hate living here, but it pisses me off when obnoxious pseudo-intellectuals insult the town without staying longer than a weekend.

Last year the New York Times wrote a series of articles very critical of Las Vegas, mostly because of the brilliant realization that hey, Las Vegas is no New York. Thanks for that discovery, Ponce de Leon. Hey, this just in: Courtney Love has a smelly cunt. Tell us something we don't know.

However, Las Vegas has its faults, and who better than a miserable son of a bitch such as myself to point them out in convenient blog form. Here are the Pros and Cons of Sin City.

Pro: Thousands of people move into the Las Vegas valley each month, making it the fastest growing community in America.
Con: Almost all of these people have been asked to leave their respective hometowns for violating local anti-douchebag ordinances. All of the biggest pricks and dumbest cunts flock here to meet other pricks and cunts, mate with them, and create what may in the future turn out to be the worst society in recorded history.

Pro: Gambling is easily accessible.
Con: It's too easy to gamble. You can play video poker at bars, in supermarkets, in convenience stores, at the car wash, even at the airport. There's nothing more pathetic than someone gambling at the grocery store at three in the morning. If you want to gamble at a Supermarket, buy a pound of hamburger at the Dirty Von's.

Pro: The bars are open twenty-four hours.
Con: At my age, this is overkill. Last call in Louisville is at 4am, and I honestly don't need a place to stay open past three. I can't afford the fifteen-dollar martinis for too long.

Pro: Almost every celebrity or near-celebrity chef has a fantastic restaurant here in town.
Con: I can't afford to eat at any of them. Really. Not even apps.

Pro: In-n-Out burger has several locations.
Cons: There are no cons to this. Gandhi would eat an In-n-Out burger with a raging hard-on.

I think I'll go to In-n-Out. Uuuummmmm.


32 Comments:

Blogger n.v. said...

Todd, you forgot the biggest pro of Las Vegas. You. Yes . . . you.

Blogger n.v. said...

Wow, it's like I'm stalking your blog. But I'm not.

Blogger Princess LadyBug said...

We don't have In & Out Burger down here. Is it that good?

Blogger Ćœbermilf said...

I would love to try In&Out Burger.

Sigh.

And NonVocab is right -- you're a major attraction. I think someone should videotape you and make a documentary. I'd watch it.

Blogger MLE said...

mmmmm....in & out...the only fast food place where I'll actually voluntarily consume food. Even if they do have bible references on all their packaging.

Unfortunately, we don't have them in CO, so I only go there when I'm in SoCal.

Blogger Brookelina said...

You should send this to the Las Vegas Tourist Commission. No seriously. You should.

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

Goddamn you! Now I want In-n-Out!! In-n-Out is so good I would trade my left kidney for a #2.

And I wouldn't move to Vegas unless there were video poker machines in the gynecologist waiting room.

Todd,

For every douchebag here, there are two Jackasses everywhere else. Here, the douchebags are usually conceited, over confident ass fucks who live up to the very last penny they make at their mediocre jobs.

Back home, the jackasses are usually slack jawed, mulletted, middle school drop outs that wear acid washed jeans and a torn up Def Leppard t-shirt, drive a psuedo monster truck and cruise Wal Mart looking for the chick with the most teeth. (They are the reason I haven't been to a Wal Mart in 4 years and nearly lost the will to live)

Forced to make the choice, I have to take the douche over the jackass.

Let's go play some video poker tomorrow! (Not at the gas station)

Blogger 3.14 said...

in-n-out so very yummy... but the biblical references a little creepy. i wish the middle of nowhere had an in-n-out, it really is that good!

Blogger Cincysundevil said...

Do people still buy the "In and Out Burgers" bumper sticker and then black out the B and RS in burgers? If they do, there may be hope for Vegas yet.

Blogger yournamehere said...

dena,
you're not stalking my blog? I'm disappointed. I don't think I'll be the biggest pro of Las Vegas for long.

ladybug,
it's that good.

ubie,
if you really wanted to sink into the deepest depression of your life, you'd watch a documentary about me.

mle,
it doesn't bother me that they have bible references because they pay their employees a decent wage. In other words, they don't just talk it.

brooke,
they'd have me killed. They're that ruthless.

pants,
maybe they do, because when Vegas girls have sex they pay off in tokens.

vast,
I hesitate to argue this point with you, but I see the jackasses here as well. You haven't been to a Wal-Mart since you moved here, but I have. Even the one on Eastern is chock full of the mulleted fucks you describe.

3.14,
In-n-Out really is that good.

cincy,
some people do, but mostly it's "My child is an honor student at Silverado High School".

Blogger Livia said...

One more con! I'm not there anymore!!

I missed Sopranos on Sunday. I'm very upset about it too!

If you keep talking about In-n-Out you're going to have to UPS me a burger, and that could be quite the disastrous mess.

I live in the slowest growing city in America. Maybe not a city. More the crotch crevice of civilization.

Blogger tlsd said...

So what makes In n Out so special?

PS: Todds you're the only reason I'd go back to Vegas, so you're the only pro for me...

Blogger Phain said...

I'm always ready for a lil' In & Out *wink wink*

Blogger FRITZ said...

All right! I'll confess. I HATE VEGAS. Hate it right down to its soulless, neon plastic hookers. And the airport. I hate the airport.

But Michael loves it for all the reasons I hate it. Which means...one day, we'll have to visit, and I will drench myself in liquor to avoid a Dostoevsky-like running monologue, and he will take pictures all day long.

Maybe I will meet a hooker, and ask her about the meaning of life.

Blogger Knitty Kitty said...

I miss my In and Out grilled cheese and fries.. so tasty.
My brother was a fan of the 4X4

Blogger AWE said...

You forgot a pro - the adds that all of the mexican workers hand out on the strip.

Blogger da buttah said...

jesus chrsit i miss in'n'out!

damn thee!!

Blogger AMS said...

thanks - starvin now!

Blogger yournamehere said...

livi,
I miss you and I'll miss your blogging, too. But I'll stay in touch and hopefully I'll see you in September.

andi,
you know how much I want to give you the In-n-Out. The burgers, that is. Get your mind out of the gutter.

tlsd,
aw, shucks...I'm blushing.

le chat,
you and me both.

fritz,
you hate the Vegas airport? Because of the constant din of slot machines, or because it's woefully undersized for the amount of people who come through it every day?

knitty,
grilled cheese? No meat? I swear, if you weren't so cute...

awe,
yeah, nothing beats an illegal immigrant trying to hand you smut in front of your mother on Mother's Day.

buttah,
Insert your own "I'll give you some In-n-Out" joke here.
Ha...I said "insert".

ams,
didn't mean to make you hungry.

Blogger JJ said...

In-n-Out burgers rule. Except for Tommy's chili burgers. And sliders, of course.

Blogger solethoughts said...

Haha..Ponce De Leon??? That had me spitting up breakfast cinnamon rolls.

Blogger Princess Steph said...

just give up and move to Texas, its the only answer.

Blogger Princess Steph said...

you know you want to.

Blogger Claudia said...

mmmm. burgers.

F**c. I hate dieting.

Blogger little ol' me? said...

I've never had an "In & Out" before....well, not the burger kind anyway (smirk)

I agree with non vocabulum....YOU are the best thing in Vegas Toddy!

Blogger Rachel said...

In & Out fucking rocks...uh, yes, the burgers...



and you totally rock too!!

kisses!

Blogger yournamehere said...

jj,
Never been to Tommy's. White Castles are the best drunk food ever.

sole,
I can't eat those anymore.

steph,
if I move to Texas, will you let me touch your naughty parts?

claudia,
I'm back on one.

little ol',
No, I think In-n-Out burger is better than me.

rachel,
I adore you, my dear.

Blogger Crazy Lady said...

I like your pro's & cons of Vegas. I too, have a love hate relationship with this place. Seriously funny stuff.

Blogger MoDigli said...

I have also discovered In and Out burgers since moving out west. And I must say, they are fantastic!!! Yum! Everytiime I pass the one closest to my house - and it doesn't matter the time of day - the line at the drive thru is 10 cars long. Seriously.

The celebrity chef restaurants sound cool. But really, you can't even afford the apps.? That's total highway robbery! THey're already gaurenteed major business. The least they could do is make is somewhat affordable.

Blogger Tumbleweed said...

This was really funny! I want an in and out.....burger.

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