This past Saturday it was the middle of the afternoon and I was bored, which is a rather common occurrence in my life. Suddenly, I remembered that I had a postcard good for a "Mystery Gift" at the "Rewards Center" of a Station Casino near me. Oh, who can resist the lure of the mystery gift? I headed almost immediately to the Green Valley Ranch Resort to claim my treasure.
It was a fanny pack. Mystery solved.
But it's so much better than the fanny pack pictured here. It's a darker, more manly shade of blue; and instead of Tough Traveler, the corporate logo for Station Casinos is boldy emblazoned on its front. This way, it not only says "I'm a tool who's one step away from the dreaded man purse," but also "I may in fact be a degenerate gambler."
At first I'll admit I was a tad disappointed. Why couldn't they have given me something I can use, like a martini shaker or a saw that cuts through human bone? But the more I think about it, the more stoked I am to own this promotional giveaway! Seriously, think about its many uses. Okay it has one use: storing things that won't fit in my pockets, but imagine what I can put in this handy contraption. They include:
-my cell phone. Now when it rings, instead of inconspicuously reaching into my pocket to answer it, I can make a public spectacle of myself by digging around in this crotch-level carryall.
-drugs. I don't do drugs, but I can't think of a better time to start. How bored would I be if I spent my free time stumbling about the seediest areas of Las Vegas, looking for my next fix? Not very.
-the ashes of Jessica Tandy. Yes, I recently stole the ashes of Jessica Tandy from the Jessica Tandy Museum in Pasadena. Now I have a place to keep them until I make it back to Louisville and spread them over the grave of my grandfather, who was a huge Jessica Tandy fan.
-my dignity. If I wear this couture abortion, my dignity can be held in a very small space.
While at the Green Valley Ranch, not only did I score the fanny back, but I had enough bonus points on my Station Casinos card to get a free salad at the cafe. You want my life, don't you?