This past Saturday it was the middle of the afternoon and I was bored, which is a rather common occurrence in my life. Suddenly, I remembered that I had a postcard good for a "Mystery Gift" at the "Rewards Center" of a Station Casino near me. Oh, who can resist the lure of the mystery gift? I headed almost immediately to the Green Valley Ranch Resort to claim my treasure.
It was a fanny pack. Mystery solved.
But it's so much better than the fanny pack pictured here. It's a darker, more manly shade of blue; and instead of Tough Traveler, the corporate logo for Station Casinos is boldy emblazoned on its front. This way, it not only says "I'm a tool who's one step away from the dreaded man purse," but also "I may in fact be a degenerate gambler."
At first I'll admit I was a tad disappointed. Why couldn't they have given me something I can use, like a martini shaker or a saw that cuts through human bone? But the more I think about it, the more stoked I am to own this promotional giveaway! Seriously, think about its many uses. Okay it has one use: storing things that won't fit in my pockets, but imagine what I can put in this handy contraption. They include:
-my cell phone. Now when it rings, instead of inconspicuously reaching into my pocket to answer it, I can make a public spectacle of myself by digging around in this crotch-level carryall.
-drugs. I don't do drugs, but I can't think of a better time to start. How bored would I be if I spent my free time stumbling about the seediest areas of Las Vegas, looking for my next fix? Not very.
-the ashes of Jessica Tandy. Yes, I recently stole the ashes of Jessica Tandy from the Jessica Tandy Museum in Pasadena. Now I have a place to keep them until I make it back to Louisville and spread them over the grave of my grandfather, who was a huge Jessica Tandy fan.
-my dignity. If I wear this couture abortion, my dignity can be held in a very small space.
While at the Green Valley Ranch, not only did I score the fanny back, but I had enough bonus points on my Station Casinos card to get a free salad at the cafe. You want my life, don't you?
30 Comments:
Hulk Hogan wears a crotch bag, so you can pull of the look too ;).
a saw that cuts through human bone
uh...about that trip of mine to Vegas, honey, we may have to talk.
Still lovin' you though.
But now you can store the saw to cut through human bone in the fanny pack. Easily accessible is key.
I think fanny packs are worse then a murse.
I was at a store with TFG and the sales woman asked him what he thought of the name "Man bag" for a murse they were trying to market. We both looked at her and said "man bag makes me think of testicles"
blonde,
and no one will ever make fun of Hulk Hogan for wearing that bag.
egan,
I don't think Station Casinos would put their corporate logo on a pussy bag.
rachel,
don't be afraid of me. I'm harmless.
monalicious,
fashionable and sociopathic. All right.
knitty,
it's that kind of honest feedback that retailers really appreciate.
vast,
it also comes with an optional Screech change purse.
i do, i do indeed want your life.
I didn’t know about that Jessica tandy museum, I must visit.....
move to Texas, its exciting here *(ok thats a lie, but move here and I will show you my tits.)
Sadly, I know someone who uses the fanny pack or the man purse everyday. It's quite sad actually. It truly is the most immasculating thing in the world ... along with the mini-van.
you said "fanny"...
hahahhahahahahaha
hahahahahahahahahahahahaha
PS: It's much more fun if your cell phone is on vibrate...
I was going to say the same thing as Egan. Where I come from a vagina is called a 'fanny'. I always got a good giggle when watching Different Strokes as a child and the father would say 'Do you want me to smack your fanny?'.
last year i made one of my best friends throw her fanny pack away because it was embarrassing!! it was denim w/a hole in it. very bad fashion statement todd, please don't do it!!! :)
Some really old grannies and pappys that come in on the gambling bus tour may really enjoy the fannie pack. They can safely store their false teeth, extra coins and and a nice snack of prunes in there.
That's fucking hilarious. I actually laughed outloud about five times while reading this. A saw that cuts through human bone, and Jessica Tandy's ashes?
Brilliant.
If you ever get a vasectomy, you could fill it with ice to soothe your private parts.
Dilf had to use bags of frozen peas.
I hope you didn't get salad dressing on it.
I never have been able to resist a man wearing a fanny pack... ;)
Are fanny packs out? When did this happen?! Where will I keep my hairspray, banana clips and scrunchies?!!
I want your life.
Hysterical. I had to hold it in since I was reading it at work. I thought the Jessica Tandy-ashes-on-grandfather's-grave gesture was really sweet. But I have to wonder if you would even need a fanny pack to hold your dignity in, because I'm not sure any would exist...
Why haven't I seen your profile on Robin Leech's show yet?
It's a mystery!
Here's another use: Turn it around, unzip your pants and you can store your dick in it. The bag will cover it and it will always be handy when needing to use the restroom in a rush!
i can't believe i missed the last several days of this wonder.
thank you for giving me something to do now that i have internets again.
Apart from all those brilliant uses, you could store in it the look of surprise on your face as you suddenly remembered having the redemption postcard. This look might help you avoid imminent danger next time!
cold hands,
how about if I just visit? or if you just visit? Or if you email me.
cincy,
this guy gets all the chicks, I'll bet.
bawlz,
you can carry a bottle of Belvedere in there in case the date doesn't go so well.
teri,
no, I think Jessica Tandy was stuffed and mounted.
tlsd,
I shall continue to say "fanny" to you if you do not appease me.
cherry,
the Different Strokes dad smacked a lot of fannys. Conrad Bain was a pimp.
afromabq,
denim? She should have "bedazzled" it.
toronto,
wine into milk? What a waste.
kat,
ummmm...prunes. I'm regular just thinking about them.
aughra,
I do have a saw that will cut through Jessica Tandy's ashes.
ubie,
me get a vasectomy? These days, that would be a tremendous waste of money.
awe,
no, I had my dressing on the side.
le chat,
oh, I'd wear one for you.
pants,
I felt the same way when the fashion gods deemed my beloved short-sleeved leisure suit out of fashion.
jj,
my condolences.
eden,
my grandfather liked Diagnosis, Murder as well, but I think if I spread Dick Van Dyke's ashes over his grave that would be a tad homoerotic.
little ol',
you mean his new show, "Lifestyles of the Poor and Anonymous"? I'm on next week.
tumbleweed,
I was really hoping this scenerio involved you unzipping the fanny pack. I'm a little disappointed.
kendra,
hail hail the internets.
dale,
they gave away a cooler last month, but I forgot about it.
egan,
I'm all for packing the vagina.
It's a European carry-on...v.stylish
i cannot think of a better pairing of two words...fanny & pack...although vapid & cunt is a close second...
I think i had one of these back when I was eight - better dig it out if they're making a comeback.....
eh
lets not and say we did
I think it's the perfect size to hold the ATM receipts.
And the residue of crushed hopes and dreams. (It tastes like bile)
Todds...how exactly would you like me to appease you?
*smirk*
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