Tuesday, April 25, 2006
Vicious Beatdowns
Some of you might have seen on the national news a videotape of about a dozen or so Las Vegas teenagers giving a hotel security guard a vicious beatdown. Well, it seems these upstanding citizens, most of them under eighteen, spent the weekend dispensing the V.B.s like Nicole Ritchie's doctor hands out diet pills. They kicked the shit out of all kinds of people!

Now, I'm against this, because it was totally random and it could have been me. I'm a big goofy looking giant. Even in a crowd on the Strip, I stand out like a turd in a punch bowl. And these people were just innocent bystanders, just trying to do their jobs or shop for food or buy touristy trinkets.

The key is to harness the rage of these future prisoners for the common good. I'm talking about Controlled Vicious Beatdowns. Yes, with CVBs, at last justice would be swift and unmerciful; and I, as CVB Director, would chose who gets them.

Doing seventy-five in a school zone? Welcome to a town called Vicious Beatdownsville.

Doing twenty when the speed limit's forty-five? Prepare yourself for a VB, and since you're most likely old, a shattered hip.

Writing a check at a retail establishment? How do like the taste of your own blood, motherfucker?

Are you white and just referred to your white friend as "My nigga"? You'll enjoy an old school ass whippin', home-biscuit.

Did you just ask me who I think will win American Idol? I'm not going to give the "stop" signal until you're already dead.

I'd also like to be able to force parents who can't control their children to give them up for adoption and/or overseas slavery. "MMOOOOOOOOOM!!!!!!! I WANT THESE NIKES! I WANT THESE NIKES! IIIII WWWAAAAAAANNNTT THEEEEEEESSE NIIIKKKEEEEEES!"
A week later, he'll be making the fucking Nikes.


32 Comments:

Blogger Knitty Kitty said...

damnit, your write an interesting post and I get in on it too late.

I'm with ya on the kids, 2 frickin brats came and stood right next to me on the ferry and kept telling eachother to, honestly, "stop breathing on me!" There should also be a VB for parents who don't understand that just because they chose to spawn doesn't mean they get to let their bratty kids run all over a ferry where most of the people are sleeping. WE didn't sign up for that shit, so we don't have to take care of them.

ah much better, thank you.

Blogger myboyfriendiscrazy said...

As long as your readers are exempt from your VBs, you have my vote of confidence.

Blogger Ćœbermilf said...

I would like to join the call for a VB on bad parents.

I remarked just this weekend how I never used to speak with authority, and was somewhat meek and over-eager to please. I didn't stand up to anyone, much.

Now that I'm a parent, I can control not only my own kids, but cause teens to tremble with fear armed with nothing but my icy stare and an eerily controlled tone. "Is something funny?" I'll ask, looking them straight in the eye, as they make fun of the handicapped boy playing with his parents in the park. "Perhaps we should ask your mother. Would she think it was funny?" Mumbles. "I'm sorry, could you speak up? I didn't quite hear you."

"No, ma'am."

"No, ma'am' what?"

"No, ma'am, it's not funny."

"Good. Perhaps you should find a better way to spend your time, then."

Terrified, red-faced adolescents scatter.

Hee hee.

Blogger Nick said...

How will Todd react at Kitty's highly passive aggesive implication that his posts aren't normally interesting? Will Todd's ego recover? Can the wily Canadian keep him on the ropes? Find out on the next episode of The VegAss.

Blogger Nick said...

Yeah, I don't know what that was all about. Sorry.

I can't wait til those fucking punks happen upon a guy packing heat and he shoots a couple of them right in the fucking face.

We should get a group of thugs three times the size of theirs, hunt them down, and scourge the living shit out of their bitch asses. I say mob justice for these assholes.

CVB's are a much needed tool in today's world. Unfortunately, there are just too many people who need the fuck stomped out of them. If only I could be given the power to smite...........

Blogger Trix said...

Can you include this on the "deserving of a CVB" list:

Soccer moms in their SUV's, talking on their mobile phones instead of watching where they're driving?

That would be awesome. Thank you for your consideration.

Blogger Todd said...

I would like to start a CVB for the blogosphere as well:

Pimp your blog in the comments of my blog? My blades don't need reloading, and if that didn't come across as violent as I wanted it to, I should probably rephrase it.

Blogger Knitty Kitty said...

nick I meant nothing of the sort.
you suck

Blogger yournamehere said...

knitty,
I'll bet you're sexy when you're angry.

mbfic,
most of my readers are exempt. You're exempt.

ubie,
first of all, your neverending quest for everyday justice inspires me, and I mean that with all sincerity. All punk kids fear a credible authority figure.

nick,
Knitty can get away with this because of her exotic good looks. Also, since she's Canadian, what would entertain a normal person might not register with her.

vast,
if we stomped everyone who deserved it, this city would be a Ghost Town.

trix,
I don't believe in men hitting women, so I would have to employ my Female CVB Unit to rough up the soccer moms.

todd,
I hate comment spam. Those people are leeches.

Blogger yournamehere said...

knitty,
we all kid. Nick makes me laugh, as I hope you did with my Canadian joke.

If you, Dena and Claudia are any indication, Canada is chock full of hot chicks.

Blogger Knitty Kitty said...

nick and I have a relationship where we regularly insult one another.

I know you have a soft spot for us canadian girls, or is it a hard one?

Blogger Claudia said...

Oh CANADA...

oh boy..I'm drunk.

Blogger Karen said...

Todd, you need to run for mayor. Seriously. Just think of all the chicks you'd get! And free booze!

And I hope they catch every last one of those assholes. The one they have in jail now is, of course, denying he was in the gang. He's also a supposed honor student. Let him deny all he wants. That video is pretty damn clear, so there shouldn't be any mistaken identity shit with this one.

Blogger Cherry! said...

CVB's. Great concept. I think Tom Cruise deserves a few of these.

Blogger Nick said...

Dayum Kittty. Not-tay!

Blogger katarina said...

Can I bring my shovel?

Blogger JJ said...

Can I be Vice Admiral In Charge Of Cutting Up Driver's Licenses? It's pretty much what it sounds like except instead of having "scissors" we have what are called "attack helicopters" that blow your car into a cloud of easy to drive through aluminum flakes.

Blogger AWE said...

People that write the damn checks need a VB, they are the ones that write the whole damn thing out. They don't even realize that the cashier can print it twice as fast. Get a fucking checkcard people, get with the program.

I like vrwc's comment on the pretend thugs. I would like to see a bigger gang corner them.

Blogger Violet said...

A proposal for social justice based on the transgression of appropriate social behavior - I think I'm in love.

Blogger aughra said...

CVB? Brilliant.

Blogger Crystal said...

I just want to do the exit interviews.

Blogger Cherry! said...

Also loving ubermilf's comment. It reminds me of my ex bf's sister. Her top lip quivers when she gets pissed off. I can see the lip quivering in the scenario that you played out, ubermilf. Keep on making those teen punks shit their pants.

Blogger Carson said...

I so want to move to that town. Where idiots get VB's all day, everyday.

Blogger wmy said...

haaaaaaaaa...I love you man!! You never fail to give me a good ol' belly laugh!!

Blogger Cold Hands said...

should I be afraid to come to Vegas?

ha - I would kick their punk asses.

Blogger DogGirl said...

A BESPECTACLED turd dear.

(you're not going to get all pissy and call me a cunt again are you?)

Blogger The Lone Rangers said...

Great site Your! Really hilarious! Mind if I link ya??

Blogger reefinfection said...

love your site! i'm all for CVBs - esp parents who don't know how to parent, people with obnoxious cars, and most attorneys. cocky m-f'ers.

Blogger yournamehere said...

knitty,
oh, it's a hard one all right.

claudia,
I love hot drunk girls.

vixen,
mayor of Henderson? All you'd get is a free buffet at the Fiesta.

cherry,
Tom Cruise needs to get punched in his soul.

nick,
she teases me so.

kat,
just bring your big nipples. I'll provide the shovel.

jj,
the job is yours.

awe,
it's always old people. Fuckers.

violet,
this love you speak of, does it involve presents and oral sex?

Blogger yournamehere said...

aughra,
thank you, my dear.

crystal mcknob,
Exit interviews? "How do you feel about the vicious beatdown?"
"Okay, I was being a dick, but they went WAY overboard."

cherry,
ubie is my hero.

carson,
unfortunately, I live in a town where innocent people get the VBs.

wmy,
oh my god, a wmy appearance. How are you?

cold hands,
just don't walk around alone.
Gee, I'll have to escort you.

doggirl,
C'mon, I didn't call you a cunt, I said your comment was cunty. And I apologized. I am wondering if you comment drunk sometime, however. HA.

lone,
Link away. Thanks.

chris,
I hate those Fast and Furious cars. Fuck that.

Blogger Violet said...

I would enjoy receiving presents and oral sex - thank you!!!

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