Wednesday, May 03, 2006
The Most Offensive Post of All Time
NOTE: This is extremely offensive. If you read it and are horribly offended, you have no one to blame but yourself.

A little joke for you:

A man walks into a talent agent's office and says "I have a great act for you. They're a family; a father and mother and their son and daughter. They all walk out on stage stark naked. The dad starts fucking the mom and fingering his daughter. The mom blows her son, who has his asshole licked clean by the family dog. The dog, a Great Dane, takes a huge steaming shit on the stage and the dad, right after jizzing in his daughter's face, sticks his finger in the pile of dog shit and fashions a Hitler shitstache right under his nose. He then spouts horrible anti-Semitic rhetoric while fucking a midget dressed as Anne Frank. Then a group of post-op trannys come out dressed as Jesus, Mohammed, Ghandi and Buddha. They all jack each other off while reading in unison from the Satanic Bible, while the father pisses in their faces and the son buttfucks a hamster until it splits in half. Then the mom and dad savagely butcher the trannys with a dull hatchet, allowing the son and daughter to chew hungrily at the newly-carved flesh. And finally, the entire family rolls around in a putrid stew of blood, piss, cum, shit, and vomit; then they lick it off of each other."

The agent looks terrified. "What do you call this act?"

"The Aristocrats."

EXPLANATION FOR THIS: I recently saw a documentary about the above joke. The joke itself has been around since Vaudeville days. It's been passed down from comedian to comedian because the only constant is the beginning and ending; allowing the individual to describe any and all horrific things that this "family act" does. Some of the versions I heard in the film were actually more offensive than this one. For more information: www.thearistocrats.com


25 Comments:

Blogger MoDigli said...

ha! Your version is pretty funny, Todd. The movie, on the other hand, was pretty dull to me. It just wasn't all that funny to me. Oh well. What did you think of it?

Blogger Knitty Kitty said...

goodness.
so thats something.
was that your version?

Which version was your favorite?

Blogger yournamehere said...

mo,
I thought the movie was more interesting than funny. Stand up comics fascinate me and I like to observe them. Parts of it were hilarious, though.

knitty,
yes, that was my version. I'm only a little ashamed.

My favorite was the one the South Park guys did, just because it was funny to hear Cartman tell it and see how offended Kyle was.

Blogger Knitty Kitty said...

oh todd, take pride.
I listened to some clips on itunes and by far the most disturbing ones are bob saget and when howie mandel said "cunt" and "cunt loogie" about 15 times in 30 seconds.

That described something I once saw in a West Virginia Wal Mart parking lot.

Blogger Me said...

*blink*

I wasn't offended in the least... I want my money back!

Blogger Faltenin said...

I must have slept through that part of the Walt Disney film.

Of, wait... "crats", not "cats". Got it. Sorry. :o)

Blogger Cherry! said...

I can see how that would offend some people. Imagine if that guy you wrote about yesterday read it. hahahaha!

Blogger Secret said...

Umm..Kinda gross. I read EVER word of it though! Hahahah. Now I gotta go look up the others. Have I mentioned I missed you?

Blogger ChiroMum said...

Is it sick that I want to plaster an annoying 'holier than thou' rabid right-wing coworker's cubicle with your fantastic version of this joke? You did it justice (even though my favorite is the Cartman version)!

Blogger Ćœbermilf said...

Did it have a musical score? Like the Sabre Dance?

Blogger Trix said...

Holy SHIT, Todd. That's f'ing awful. I loved it.

Blogger Anita said...

HAHA! I especially like that the dog breed is named. Was that your touch? =)

Thank you for spelling jizzing with two "z"s. I hate it when people misspell that. =)

Blogger solethoughts said...

Jesus walks into a motel and throws three nails on the counter at the clerk and says, 'Can you put up for the night?'

Blogger JJ said...

I get the joke, I just don't get why comedians get off on telling it so much.

Blogger JJ said...

Okay, I've got one for you:

A man walks into a talent agent's office and says "I have a great act for you. They're a family; a father and mother and their son and daughter. They walk out on stage and one after another each goes into a voting booth and votes for Bush."

The agent looks terrified. "What do you call this act?"

"The Aristocrats."

Blogger tlsd said...

erm...

*speechless silence*

... blimey you're back with a vengeance... maybe I'm more delicate than I thought...

*wink*

Blogger Todd said...

I only know one offensive joke:

What do you call a retarded Chinese kid? Sum Ting Wong

Blogger MadMeer said...

"While fucking a midget dressed as Anne Frank."

This is your version? That has got to be the most demented thing I've read (today)!

Oh wait...I just got to the part about fucking the hamster until it splits.

You are sick.
Funny, but sick.

Blogger Claudia said...

bob saget is nasty. yet strangely alluring.

Blogger yournamehere said...

knitty,
Bob Saget saying those horrible things put a smile on my face.

vast,
and you saw it for free, lucky bastard.

me,
you get what you pay for.

faltenin,
Walt Disney was one twisted motherfucker.

cherry,
I hope he reads it.

teri,
thanks for the kind words.

chiromum,
the Cartman version hit its stride when he said "And now here's our impression of the victims of 9/11".

ubermilf,
I'm sure it could be put to music.

Blogger yournamehere said...

trix,
it is just terrible. Glad you liked it.

anita,
yeah, I wrote this one.

sole,
you know why Jesus doesn't eat M and M's? They fall through the holes in his hands.

jj,
they say it's because they can improvise and make the joke their own.

..and your version of the joke is just too offensive.

tlsd,
you are a delicate English flower...

todd,
there are a hundred million retarded Chinese outside your door right now.

madmeer,
being sick is part of the joke.

claudia,
I feel the same way about Meredith Viera.

Blogger poet1b said...

todd, in my boring existance, you are the bright light of my day. This has got to be the most boring post so far. Nothing like scooping a story so old and completely digested it makes crude look like a Spring daisy. Why don't you have those web ads on your site? Heck, I am a nobody and I have people advertising on my site. I would gladly click a few links to send you a few bucks. I love your shit man, as long as I can read about it from a safe distance.

Blogger MLE said...

My favorite version of the joke was the mime's. But in the dvd extras, the mime having an abortion was pretty foul.

Blogger FRITZ said...

AWESOME.

Your crudeness takes my breath away. Offended? NAY. This is art, in its purist, most redolent state.

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