Friday, May 12, 2006
Back for more abuse...
I just returned from my trip to Irvine, California, where I stayed at the Atrium Hotel. If Irvine is the anus of Orange County, the Atrium is the pus-emitting sore on that anus. Oh, don't get me wrong, the Atrium was a fine hotel... in 1978! In fact, I think some scenes from the Linda Blair film Roller Boogie were filmed there. I also think it was where actor Bob Crane was bludgeoned to death, so it has that going for it. However, the word "remodel" clearly isn't in the vocab of the owners of the ol' dump, and there was a musky smell in my room that reminded me of the time I got drunk and went down on Rue McClanahan.

The work aspect of the trip was as dismal as I predicted. For eight excruciating hours a day I had to sit in back-twisting chairs and listen to vendors talk about their products. The ones who weren't brain-cell-destroyingly boring were hostile to the point of wanting us dead. One guy had the nerve to say "When you do your job and make my product look good, that means more money for me." Oh, really? That truly motivates me to do a good job. Maybe if I bust my ass he'll finally be able to dip his balls in liquid gold and buy a full length coat made from Queen Elizabeth's pubes. I'll never touch his fucking product again. I hope he's ruined financially and has to eat his children for sustenance.

The highlight of my trip was meeting my blogger friend Monkey Mc. She is as funny, charming, intelligent, and lovely as I thought she'd be. When she picked me up at my disco hotel, she apologized for being late, as she lived FIFTY MILES away. Holy shit! Then we went into a place called Hamburger Mary's that turned out to be a gay version of Red Robin. When the guy up front said, "There's a five dollar cover for the all-male review" we decided to take our thirsty livers elsewhere. As Monkey Mc said, "You don't need some guy teabagging you while you're trying to eat a hamburger." Truer words have never been spoken.

We ended up at a rather dismal sports bar, but the drinks were strong and the company was good, so all was well. Unfortunately, she got a ticket for making an illegal u-turn on the way back to my hotel. In case any California state officials are reading this, she was completely innocent and the police officer who pulled her over was obviously insane and maybe even high on oxycotin and blueberry ripple.

Oh, and the next evening some coworkers and I found a Chick-fil-A and ate there. There are no Chick-fil-A's in Vegas, so this was quite a treat. Yes, I live a sad life. Shut up.

I also discovered that a lot of annoying people work for my company, and a lot of them are in upper management. Our Human Resources person and the Vice President of Operations are both so attractive yet vapid they're living, breathing examples of the old saying "Looks aren't everything." As for my fellow service reps, for every one person who asks too many fucking questions because of a misguided but well-meaning thirst for knowledge, there's five who ask too many fucking questions because the sound of their own voice fascinates them.

I'd better end this because I have to be in the stores at 6am.


29 Comments:

Aww, thanks. I figured I'd let you blawg about it because you're funnier.

On another note, I brought my citation into the office and waved it all about and I swear Mentos practically jizzed himself on my desk. After the standard "idiot!" admonishments he was totally like "you're gonna file a motion? Right? Right? This could be good."

So it's all good. Like I told ya, free legal work.

Glad to hear there weren't any dead hookers in your boxsprings. Did you blacklight the sheets and pillow cases at that fucking place? I venture to say it would not be a pretty site.

I have to know something; Did Rue McClanahan's naughty parts look like one of Yogi Berra's worn out catchers mitts?

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

Glad you made it back from the happiest county on earth safe and sound with your sense of humor intact.

I once stayed in vapid hotel with copious amounts of pubic hair and a large wet spot on my "clean" sheets. To make up for the mess the staff baked me homemade cookies. As if I'd fucking eat them, lord only knows what was in 'em. That's Utah for ya.

Blogger Egan said...

Cool, you're back. I'm sure the Home Depot powers that be are rejoicing. Hopefully work isn't too sucky for you Friday.

Blogger tlsd said...

Welcome back babe, glad you made it back in one piece...

I hate twats who love the sound of there own voice so much, when they eventually stop for breath even they don't know what the fuck they were talking about. I work with one of those twats.

Thanks for making me laugh-my-head-off on a friday morning... best get my ass to work 'suppose.

Blogger katarina said...

That's my kind of hotel.

Bow-chick-a-bow-bow

I would've went with it. Buy an outfit from the consignment shop and feather my hair.

Blogger livinlife said...

Corporate crapola will be the death of us all, words never to use outside of work, proactive (gag, this one is the worst), team, goal, you get the drift. Were I president it would all be illegal.............

Blogger FRITZ said...

FUCK the cops!

Well. Except for that nice one who always flirts with me at the gas station. And that other one who shot that burglar dude dead when he broke into my house. And that other guy who pulled my mother out of a flame-riddled carbeque.

Yeah!
FUCK 'EM!

(Nice to have you back)

Blogger Tumbleweed said...

When you finally decide to put out a book, call me. I want to be the first one to get it. You are such an awesome, entertaining writer....and quite a flirt!!

Blogger Tumbleweed said...

See there is a sincere side of me!

Blogger Cold Hands said...

welcome back.

we need to discuss this Rue incident in more detail.

Blogger JJ said...

You know the guy who asks questions when the boring presenter asks if there are any questions and prolongs your misery? I've never fully understood why I'm not allowed to light that guy on fire.

Welcome home.

Blogger Rachel said...

Glad you're back darlin'

Blogger Claudia said...

Welcome home, buddy!

But seriously, do you just close your eyes and imagine the most grotesque thing (i.e. pube coat) you could possibly think of and somehow drop it in a sentence like it won't make someone reading it huddle in the fetal position??

I wonder is Bobby Brown had gold dipped balls back in the "Don't be Cruel" and "My Perogative" days...gross. Thanks for that.

Blogger Nick said...

Sounds like a decent trip.

Blogger Shelly said...

No Chick-Fil-A in Vegas???!!! That's it, I'm not going!

Glad you're back, Todd. It's been a slow week without you!

Blogger TubbyAZ said...

Stayed at a Westin in Atlanta once, and the biggest damn cockroach I've ever seen walked across the bathroom floor. He looked at me sitting on the throne, as if to say "don't fuck with me, pal".

Oh, and BTW, Bob Crane was bludgeoned to death in Scottsdale AZ, not Irvine (though both are equally annoying places).

Blogger Violet said...

Yay - you're back! Funny post. I sure hope the elderly appreciate your charity work.

Blogger Onyx said...

Yeah, there's a billboard in fron tof our house for a builder that says, "You're house isn't done until I say it's done."

Everytime I go by it, I say: "No it's done when 'I' say it's done bitch!" What a stupid ass!!

Blogger solethoughts said...

Welcome home and you make me feel better knowing that I'm not the only one that works with a bunch of windbags.

"I also think it was where actor Bob Crane was bludgeoned to death, so it has that going for it."

Naw Todd, that was Scottsdale, Arizona.
http://us.imdb.com/name/nm0186314/

I saw that in the E! True Hollywood Story and "Auto Focus" with Greg Kinnear, who did a credible Bob Crane in otherwise, boring film.

Orange County does have that effect on people though, it makes you fear being bludgeoned or it makes you want to do it to someone else. All of that fake, squeaky, "Pleasantville" goodness coupled with too much sun, can give you "The Shining" effect.

Blogger little ol' me? said...

A lively story from Toddy! My week is complete ;)

Blogger yournamehere said...

monkey mc,
I still feel bad that you got a ticket. You're a sweetheart.

vast,
her naughty parts looked like Yogi Berra's face, unfortunately.

pants,
Irvine isn't that happy. It's the OC's bitter uncle. The OC's bitter, boring uncle.

egan,
the Home Depot doesn't care if we're there or not.

tlsd,
some people live life like they get paid by the word.

kat,
I'd only go back to that hotel if you were waiting for me there.

livin,
I hate "think outside the box." How ironic to suggest individual thought by using the most tired, cliched piece of tripe ever.

fritz,
I'm sure the Los Angeles area has more pressing problems than someone doing a u-turn on an almost vacant road at twelve thirty at night.

tumbleweed,
so I can only call you when I have a book deal?

cold hands,
I could always demonstrate my technique.

jj,
on the last day, some windbag asked yet another question of yet another boring prestenter, and I sighed audibly. Really, people in the row in front of me started laughing, I sighed so loudly.

Blogger yournamehere said...

rachel,
I suppose I'm glad to be back.

claudia,
I think the only thing Bobby Brown dips his balls in now is Whitney Houston. I'll bet all that crack makes his balls tingly.

nick,
it wasn't all that bad compared to everyday life.

shelly,
The guy who founded Chic-fil-A is really religious, so maybe he has something against Las Vegas. And making lots of money.

tubbyaz,
I think Scottsdale is a little more happening than Irvine, although the weather is hotter.

violet,
no one appreciates anything I do outside of the blog world.

onyx,
I hope that builder goes bankrupt.

solethoughts,
windbags are universal.

writepro,
I meant it just looked like the kind of place where Bob Crane would fuck a midget and do lots of coke circa 1978.

little,
happy to complete your week.

Blogger Ćœbermilf said...

I have never had Chick Fil A. Nor have I had In n Out Burger.

But I've had Portillo's.

Blogger Cladeedah said...

We always make a special side-trip to CHick-Fil-A whenever we're in LA. We usually bring the big 'ole 64 piece trays back w/ us to Vegas/ I'll keep you in mnbd next time we go. :-)

Blogger Livia said...

I love Chick-Fil-A!! There are none in CT either. Bastards.

Blogger Kath said...

Oh wow...my cousin was an exhibitor at your conference. Hope he wasn't one of the boring ones...he's a really nice, down-to-earth guy. Did you see any of those types?

Blogger MoDigli said...

A-ha! We have a Hamburger Mary's here in San Diego, too. DD and I went in for a burger and quickly found out it was a gay bar! It was a fun night, actually. :)

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