Friday, May 19, 2006
Right-Wing Douchebag of the Month

Don't look at this image of Pure Evil for too long, or you'll turn into a pillar of salt. This piece of human filth is Eugene Scalia, son of Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia. He is the inaugural winner of the not-at-all-coveted vivalasvegASS Right-Wing Douchebag of the Month Award.

How did he do it? How did he beat out such stalwart right-wing douchebags as Karl Rove, Rush Limbaugh, and our own "president"? Well, it should be noted that Dick Cheney, as Douchebag Emeritus, is ineligible for the award; but that still left a stellar field to be vanquished by the son of Antonin Scalia (who's no sloutch in the douchebag department himself).

Eugene Scalia is a lawyer with one specialized focus: He represents large companies against workers in cases involving repetitive stress disorder.

Repetitive stress disorder is what happens to a human being when she, let's say, guts fish for eight hours a day, using the same motion over and over again. When these workers become crippled, Eugene Scalia swoops up from his home directly under Satan's nutsack and tries to get a refusal of any sort of worker's comp or benefits.

If that isn't enough to justify his lofty position in the Douchebag Rogue's Gallery, he is also an outspoken opponent of ergonomics, the study of how the human body reacts to work-related physical stress. He called it "junk science" in front of a joint session of Congress, despite the fact that he isn't a scientist, ignoring the views of every real scientist on the planet Earth. Eugene Scalia, well-educated and by all accounts highly intelligent, contends that repetitive motion doesn't cause stress-related injuries, so there's no need at all to adopt safety measures to prevent them.

In short, this sharp-minded man could have chosen any area of law and would have inevitably been rewarded handsomely. As the educated son of a Supreme Court justice, he could have named his price at any law firm in the country. Instead, Eugene Scalia has devoted his professional life to make damn sure impoverished, poorly-educated workers, the vast majority of whom are women, are held down and force-fucked by the sweat shop industries. For that, he is our Right-Wing Douchebag of the Month.

Oh, here's the punchline: From 2001 till 2003, Eugene Scalia was Chief Solicitor (Head Lawyer in Charge) for...yep, the Department of Labor. In other words, if your company fucked with you in those two years, you stayed fucked. Rumor has it if you filed a claim against a company when Labor's Worst Enemy was in charge of defending Labor, you got a letter in the mail which read "Claim denied. Welcome to Dick Cheney's America, motherfucker."


There are remarkably few areas of law that prevent you from being a douchebag (at some point or another). And the country's best law firms are nothing but a cockroach hive serving the needs of the wealthiest subhuman emotional bottomfeeders from all over the world. Hey, even I'm kinda a douche on a daily basis. I make rich people richer.

He probably liked workman's comp and went to work in that field...for the wrong people. I see it happen in environmental law a love the field but the only ones that can pay you are the "bad" side.

Oh, what am I defending him for? He's probably spiritually ranker than Satan's foreskin cheese. My daddy ain't so rich and famous that I could afford to be picky.

Blogger yournamehere said...

monkey mc,
I'm all for the free market. The rich get richer? Fine. But this man seems to delight in the suffering of others.

"But someone has to do represent Tyson Chicken against crippled women who don't have a high school education." Yeah, but that doesn't make it right.

Blogger Van said...

That is scary. People like that are scary.

Blogger MoDigli said...

maybe he'll get repetitive ass-drip syndrome from talking out of it for over 8 hours a day.

Blogger Egan said...

Wow, he does sound like fucker. If he's so against ergonomics, I hope he drives a shitty GM car.

Note: not all lawyers are shitty like this fuck.

Blogger The Lone Rangers said...

I hear he's gonna be denouncing other "false" sciences soon too. Physics, Biology and the like...

Blogger Übermilf said...


Blogger Claudia said...

What's the difference between a porcupine and a Mercedes Benz full of lawyers?

The porcupine has pricks on the outside.

I just thought that was a funny joke. m'kay. later.

Blogger Übermilf said...

TjODD! I WANTE to talk to yOU@

I had lots of ti gin!

uh huh.


May he suffer from carpal "pummel" syndrome from all of those he wronged.

Todd, you ignorant slut! This is John Schwartz (it really is). I demand that you email me at so we can plot the overthrow of the government and catch up on old times. I found your blog because you tell a couple of our stories (camp and the famous derby puke day). Your blog is f'ing hilarious, bro. EMAIL ME!


Blogger SS said...

So I get an IM from my husband, telling me I have to read this blog entry about him at church camp... As if I haven't already heard his church camp stories. Worse, he has early Alzheimer's I think, so I've heard all of his church camp stories at least 20 times each. I was thinking of telling him that yes, I visited your blog (our whole marriage is a web of lies), when I decided to actually come here. When I saw that you wrote about someone coming out from under Satan's ball sack, I fell in love and realized I married the wrong church camper.

I'm John's wife, and I've heard so many stories about you, living with you, and your drunken adventures. Please contact John so we can begin our affair and go on Jerry Springer as soon as possible. I need the money.

Blogger yournamehere said...

what's frightening is that no one really seems to care.

HA! That would serve him right.

I know not all lawyers are shitty. Monkey Mc, despite her douchebag claims, is a lovely young lady and incredibly nice. Also, sometimes you need a lawyer.

the lone,
"false science" means "This indisputable truth is going to cost my client money."

if you dip the darts in a poison that causes a complete shut down of the central nervous system, and shoot it at Eugene Scalia, I'll buy you that gun.

that was a funny joke.
They have lawyers in Canada? I thought all claims were settled by the politboro.

you cyber-drunk dialed me. Cool.

unfortunately, none of his victims can make a fist.

Blogger yournamehere said...

holy crap! How you been, man? I'll email you very soon.

non-camp friends have actually attempted suicide while listening to repeated stories of the good ol' days.

As for our future affair, Springer only pays scale, but we'll clean up on the book deal (and merchandise, such as t-shirts and coffee mugs).

Funny you should mention holy crap. I'm finishing a new novel called The Da Vinci Commode. It's all about how Leonardo (the Teenage Mutant Turtle) hid information in his feces that, if revealed, would shatter the very fabric of modern Scientology. If I can keep it under Tom Cruise's formidable radar long enough to find a publisher, we'll all be stinkin' rich. EMAIL ME DUDE!

Blogger Cold Hands said...

its SO obvious that you want to be one of us...... ;)

I am you. This is just your newest personality. The meds have stopped working! See your shrink immediately! GO NOW!

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